One of the key responsibilities we have as parents is to be honest
and speak the truth with our children.
There may often be the urge to hide the truth
from children imagining that they may not comprehend or they may not be able to
handle the real world. So, whether there is a relationship issue between
parents or there is some difficult or unique Life situation that the parents
are handling, with regard to either the children or the family, it is best to
share whatever is going on with the kids. Honestly. Transparently. Of course,
you can always package the truth in a creative yet simple manner in which the
children will understand it better.
All of us know that children are very
perceptive, intelligent and curious. Yet we are reluctant to share what we have
learnt from Life with our children. Really, the adult view that children will
not understand is a myth. They know almost everything about everything. Often
times, they know better than the parents! An integral part of parenting is to
have open conversations even on “seemingly difficult or taboo” subjects like
sex or a biological process like menstruation or divorce. Children have no
notion of right or wrong. And none of what is socially taboo is really wrong.
So, by not discussing with them or telling them what we know when they ask us,
we are encouraging them to either conform to mindless social norms or to think
of those subjects as wrong! Which is unfair. For if sex were something wrong to
indulge in then children wouldn’t be born in the first place. Or how can a
biological process, which is as an aspect of creation, be wrong? It is like
saying facial hair in men is wrong – even if you don’t like it, can you do
anything about the way a male is biologically engineered? Is going for a divorce
really wrong? It is only an affirmation of incompatibility between two people –
which really is a great step towards their own happiness and inner peace. It’s
another matter that most parents can’t handle incompatibility issues maturely
and make the divorce process messy – particularly for their children.
Don’t philosophize the truth with your
children. Tell it the way it is. Children are phenomenally intuitive. They
grasp the truth. And internalize it quickly. My own experience with parenting
has been full of interesting moments of truth and learning opportunities.
I remember when our son was about three years
old, we attended the weddings of a few of our friends – all of which took place
in the same year. And naturally, in the following year, some of these women got
pregnant. We attended their baby shower events with our son in tow. Around
then, my wife and I were also expecting our second one. One evening our son
demanded to know from my wife: “Mom, how do people have babies?” My wife
replied matter-of-factly: “When they get married!” There was a long silence for
several minutes. It appeared to us that our son had forgotten both the question
and the answer. He seemed to be immersed in playing with his collection of Hot
Wheels miniature cars. Suddenly he looked up and shot his next question: “But
dad and you never got married, so how did you have me? And now you are having
another baby?” Startled, my wife and I looked at each other and smiled. Obviously,
since our son was not at our wedding, he didn’t think of us as married at that
time! I explained: “Babies are born when a man and a woman come together. Most
of the times they are married when they come together. Just as your mom and I.
You will learn how this works when you grow older. It’s pretty simple actually!”
That’s it! Our son did not have another question. And we have never discussed it
again!
Children are also always watching their
parents – and imitating them. The first heroes and icons for a child are her or
his parents. As a young CEO, I was wantonly aggressive in my 30s. I used
swearwords all the time. My son was barely eight when I caught him swearing. The
computer, on which he was playing a video game, was hanging. “F#%$!”, he swore. I happened to
be in the room. I looked at him and told him in a stern tone: “No! That’s not a
word you must use son!”. He shot back: “But you use it all the time!” I
remember being caught defenseless. I quickly apologized to him and promised him
that I would not use it again. My assurance didn’t matter to him, I suppose,
for he asked: “What does f#%$ mean, dad?” I concealed my shock and replied with
a straight face: “It’s a word that people use to swear. It means the act of sex
that a man and woman have. Again, I am sorry for using it. It’s not a word that
people should use. Definitely not children. And you will understand this word
and what sex means when you grow up. I won’t use the word again. It will be
nice if you also don’t use it!” From that day on, I curbed my urge to swear –
eventually I have given up swearing totally! I guess my son may be swearing at
times, like most people do in a subconscious sort of way these days – but I am
also sure he will remember this conversation from an educational perspective, of
what he learned from me, just
as the way I remember teaching him!
Surely, discussing the truth – in any context
– is always uncomfortable. Yet, whenever we have had to discuss difficult
situations or issues with my son and my daughter, through their teens and into adulthood
now, my wife and I have always told them the truth. If we know better than them
we share what we know. If we don’t know something, we admit we don’t know.
Simple. At the end of every conversation, we pause and ask them if they have
questions. If they don’t we invite them to come forward to ask them whenever
they have one. We have found this approach very productive; evidence being that
their adolescent years have been very enriching – full of learning, sharing and
camaraderie – for all of us!
The initial growing up years of children,
from childhood to adulthood, are both precocious and precious. It is important
that parents hold their hands and walk them through this phase. What they learn
through this time stays with them forever. Irrespective of the circumstances in
which you have to be a parent to them and irrespective of the environment they
have to grow up in, if you can help your children know and face the reality of
their lives, of this world, you will have given them the best education that
they can possibly receive. One reason why many of us like to avoid telling it
as it is to children is because our parents never told us so. But that’s not a
great excuse. The world we live in is not the same world in which we were
raised. What our parents did__or did not do__was from their worldly view. Surely
we don’t necessarily hold the same view. So, we can be progressive, a lot more liberal
and certainly direct and upfront. Not that our children will not learn without
us. They eventually will. But there’s greater joy in educating our children and
empowering them with the truth than watching them struggle, stumble, fall and
learn!
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