‘Learn’ to be content by appreciating what you have

Being content with what you have comes with a sense of gratitude, with a deeper understanding of Life.

We recently met a very successful, young, corporate executive, who, in his late 20s, heads a business division for a large MNC. This is the job he always wanted and loves. Yet, he confessed, that he ‘may not be happy’: “I find something missing in Life. It is nothing material. I have everything money can buy. But I am missing inner peace – is that what you call contentment?”

I don’t find the young man’s feeling alien. I have been there in his place and I have felt like him. In my late 20s I have globetrotted continents and lived out of the finest hotels but I have yearned for being with my family. And when I found the time to spend with my family I have felt insecure that if I am not ‘visibly’ working hard at my job, I may lose it. So, contentment – the sense of fullness, completeness with what you have – may appear elusive. But, over the years, I have learnt that it is important to learn to be content. Contentment is not something that will arrive subject to certain conditions being fulfilled. It will come when you are appreciative of what is, of what you have. It comes from gratitude.

Urdu poet Nida Fazli saab (1938~2016) says it so beautifully:

“Kabhi Kisiko Mukammal Jahaan Nahi Milta,

Kahin Zamin Toh Kahin Asmaan Nahin Milta!”

It basically means you are never going to get a complete, a perfect 10 on 10 in Life at any time. Something, somewhere, sometime is going to be unstuck. And while trying to fix that department in your Life, while trying to mend that situation, you have to find your inner peace by being grateful for what you have. Life is never going to help you here. You have to help yourself. And only you must do it – no one else can do it for you!

“Unbroken” Spirit: An inspiration from our own “Magic” Johnson

Physical – and financial – limitations cannot debilitate your spirit if you choose to stay strong.

Every once in a way, Life will pin you down and nail your feet to the ground. You will feel crippled, beaten, battered and burnt out. That’s when you must make a choice – to stay strong. Staying strong is not rhetoric. It is an imperative in Life situations when you have no other evidence, except your own self-will, to assure you that you will prevail – no matter how grim your situation may be.

The other day a friend of mine called me to say that he was feeling disillusioned and defeated. He is out of job, has cash to last just three more months and is very anxious about his future. He said he feared if he would even be able to provide for his young daughter’s education going forward. I could empathize with him completely. I have been out of work – and out of cash – for over 28 months now. No matter what we try, and what we do, work, and therefore income, remains elusive. In fact, it is in the darkest hour of my Life, that I wrote my first Book – “Fall Like A Rose Petal – A father’s lessons on how to be happy and content while living without money” (Westland, August 2014). I am humbled that my Book’s been sold out since its launch and my publisher has gone in for a reprint! My friend asked me, how do I manage to stay positive, and how did I manage to write a spiritual, uplifting Book, when my own situation was “grim and grave”. I must confess I also get drawn into depressive spirals. People, situations, events – none of these are in your control. Anyone – or anything – can cause your inner equilibrium to be disturbed. But every time I am disturbed or am plunging into a depression, my awareness – spurred by my daily practice of mouna (observing silence periods) – helps me leap back into staying calm, peaceful and anchored. The other thing I do consistently is to look around me and get inspired by Life, by people and by nature. When I do that I discover, every single time, how blessed I am in Life – despite my circumstances. That way, I celebrate my blessings, feel grateful, pick up myself and move on!

Madathinakath "Magic" Johnson
Photo Courtesy: The New Indian Express/T.P.Sooraj

My latest dose of inspiration came from a story buried in the inside pages (sad – I would have preferred it on Page 1 as the lead feature in all editions) of this morning’s The New Indian Express. Ashwathi Krishna reports from Kozhikode (Kerala) about this amazing man, Madathinakath Johnson, who despite being crippled by polio leads a Life of dignity and creates value through his business. Johnson, now 45, was paralyzed by polio when he was barely six months old. But over the years of growing up, Johnson learnt to overcome his physical limitations. He set up a company, M-Digital, that makes energy-efficient lighting systems – LED lamps, solar-powered lamps and such – in 1993. Today his clientele are both from the institutional and retail sectors. His company’s products are available in 50 stores across Kerala. He starts his busy day with a prayer at 5 AM and believes that he must do whatever it takes to promote awareness of energy conservation and alternate energy sources – especially among the youth.

When I read the story, I told myself: “Bravo, “Magic” Johnson!” American basketball legend Earvin “Magic” Johnson was first called “Magic” in 1974 when he was a star at his school. He was given the nickname by a sports writer who had just seen the 15-year-old prepster notch 36 points, 16 rebounds and 16 assists. But to me, Madathinakath Johnson is our very own “Magic” Johnson! Reading about him this morning made my spirt soar. I realized, one another time, that it is so easy for us to drown ourselves in self-pity. The smallest of our unmet expectations can drive us to despair. When we are lamenting about what we did not get or do not have, we miss the opportunity to try out different things. If one route is not working, we fail to see if there’s another way of doing things. Our self-obsession with our problems leads us to imagine that we are cursed and doomed. That’s when, as I learnt to do, we must look around us and we will find not one, but a million, inspirations like Madathinakath “Magic” Johnson.

I inject myself with the spirit of people like “Magic” Johnson daily. That’s how I stay anchored, focused and on the path. That’s how, even if depression taunts and tempts me, I don’t succumb. That’s how, really, despite all that which may paralyze you, you too can ensure that your spirit is untouched – and unbroken!

What I have learnt from Chetan Bhagat's journey

Don’t judge anyone unless you have walked their path.

Judging people comes easily to all of us. And at times we judge people about whose lives we have no idea. We just go with popular opinion – either agreeing or disagreeing with it – while passing judgments about such people. I believe each of us must develop a responsible and compassionate attitude towards others instead of being reckless or fickle.

I have a confession to make. I am not a fan of Chetan Bhagat. Not because I have read his book(s) and ended up not liking what he wrote or his style. I simply chose to not be his fan because there were many I knew – some of whom had read his work(s) – who disliked him. My opinion of Chetan Bhagat was an acquired one and not based on personal experiences or preferences. This opinion was acquired way back in the 2004~2005 timeframe when Five Point Someone was released. I was definitely not as evolved as I am today, back then. I have never read Five Point Someone, till now, though I understand (having been told so by some of his die-hard fans) that it is Bhagat’s finest work to date. Over the years, even as Bhagat’s stature and popularity grew immensely, somehow I preferred to ignore every time Bhagat the person, his work, or his columns, popped up around me – on TV, in the papers, in social conversations, on social media and such. “Chetan Bhagat, no, thank you,” would be my sub-conscious, even pre-meditated, response each time.

Picture Courtesy: India Today/Internet

And then, this week, the latest issue of India Today hit me! I have worked for the magazine in the 90s and I know that if my former boss, and India Today Editor-in-Chief, Aroon Purie, clears a story to go on the cover, it – the subject or the person – has to have some serious merit. The magazine has changed a lot since I left the India Today Group in 1995, but I know it still stays rooted to some strong values and principles. And what hit me this week is that Chetan Bhagat is on the magazine’s cover! I read the story written by Mini Kapoor completely. I am not going to comment on the quality of the story or the pictures or the layout. I am simply going to share what I learnt from it – from understanding Bhagat’s Life and his path to success as a writer, better.

My learnings could not have come at a more opportune time. Just this past month, in August 2014, Westland published and released my first Book – “Fall Like A Rose Petal – A father’s lessons on how to be happy and content while living without money”. As a first-time author, I am trying to understand how publishing works, how the book trade works, how a book is distributed, what drives people to pick up a book, what kind of people read the kind of book I have written – these are just some of too many angles to consider while you work towards your book going out, reaching people, touching their lives and, hopefully, making a difference. Even as I am grappling with these aspects, I read Kapoor’s cover story on Bhagat in India Today. I just realized that in a decade-long career as a published author his books have sold eight million copies! I knew he was a banker who had kicked his white-collar job to follow his bliss as a writer, but I had never paused to understand why he did that. Now I know that it was a phase of darkness in his professional career that impelled him to write, to share and to express himself. I saw a parallel there to my Book’s birth – it came in the throes of our Firm’s bankruptcy and our personal cashless situation. I read his interview in the magazine and was impressed with his vision for being a change agent – by using his connect with young Indians, to invite them to be the change that we so urgently need to see in India. I could relate to his sentiments about changing India completely. Thanks to what I read, and what I internalized, my respect for Chetan Bhagat just went up several, several notches.

I may perhaps never be his fan in that sense – because I don’t read fiction much. But I read the excerpt of Half Girlfriend, that India Today has carried, and I felt his story-telling is good and he caters to the reading-ability and the social sensitivity of his target audience well. I paused to reflect and ask myself why was I not willing to even consider Bhagat’s existence until now? And why this sudden transformation in my attitude towards him? That’s when I realized that I had just been swept by popular opinion and I had been, I must admit, judgmental. Without reason, without a personal experience. In my Book too, in the context of our Life, I have championed the need to stay away from judging anyone unless we have been on the same path that they are on. Only when I turned an author and got on to the road,  on which Bhagat is several light years ahead, I realized how challenging his own journey must have been and I truly understood the value he has created for those people who have read his works.

Every time an urge to judge someone or pass a random – often rabid – opinion arises in us, let us pause and ask ourselves – Do we know them? Do we know their story? Have we been on the same road, the same journey as them? Do we have a personal experience with them that substantiates the opinion that we are beginning to see form in us? This is one way I am learning to stop being judgmental about people. And at such times when I do have a personal experience driving my opinion, I still ensure that I keep my sentiments to myself or I share it with the person concerned. This is how, I believe, we can make our world a better place for all of us to live and thrive peacefully!

                                                                                                                                                               

A true companion makes Life beautiful – and meaningful

True companionship goes beyond the physical and financial aspects of living together. It is about being there for each other – no matter what.

Nadia and Aamir Kabeer: True Companionship
Picture Courtesy: Open/Ashish Sharma/Internet

I read a heart-warming story in the latest issue of Open magazine written by Ashish Sharma. In a photo essay, Sharma profiles young Aamir Kabeer, a resident of Baramulla, Kashmir, who was caught in a crossfire by security forces to quell civilian unrest in September 2010. Kabeer who was returning home from a friend’s place was struck by pellets in his eyes. He lost his eyesight in that incident. Hospitalization in Srinagar, at the famed AIIMS in New Delhi, in Indore and in Chennai was unsuccessful. Doctors concurred with each other that he had suffered severe retinal damage. All through this ordeal, Kabeer’s girlfriend, Nadia stood by him. Last June she married him much against the wishes of her parents. Sharma writes: “Today, he (Kabeer) sees the world through her (Nadia’s) eyes.”

This is such a beautiful example of companionship.

I believe that the entire essence of living together – as a couple – is about companionship. And companionship is about a deep friendship – of being true to each other, no matter what the circumstances may be. Being true again does not mean being “nice”. It means being compassionate, being honest – doing what is right at a given moment, than what appears to be right. It is about holding up a mirror when it has to be held up and yet walking alongside, every step of the way.

At a “Fall Like A Rose Petal” (also the title of my Book published by Westland) Talk that I delivered recently, someone from the audience asked my wife why – and how – she chose to stay with me despite “my inability to provide for the family” and because our grave financial circumstances were caused by “my erroneous decisions and choices”. I was overwhelmed with my wife’s answer. She said: “I have known AVIS from when he was 19. He had nothing with him apart from his integrity and his sense of purpose then. That’s why I was drawn to him. The money, the success we have seen in business and Life, came much later. And then later came the fall. But his integrity and sense of purpose is just the same. As long as this part of him does not change, I don’t see any reason why I should not be with him.” Please forgive my indulgence with my wife’s sentiments, but this is what true companionship is all about. In my Book, in a chapter titled “Rise In Love”, I do talk about this special friendship that my wife and I share.

There’s great beauty in companionship. It makes journeying through Life meaningful – even if not outright easy. When choosing a partner for Life, the key factor to be considered is whether you believe this person will make a great friend and compassionate companion. Nothing else matters. Because the circumstances that bring you together can change. Your financial status can change. Your health situation can change. Your physical appearance will change. But if the friendship between you and your partner, companion, remains unchanged, you can be sure to face Life strongly, stoically. To expect a Life free from challenges or problems is naivete. But if you have a companion who is walking by your side, every step of the way, no matter what you have to go through, consider that your biggest blessing! You will need nothing – and no one – more to face Life!

The ‘Malvika Effect’ – unshackled by the past, undaunted by the future

Every once in a while, you will meet someone who will inspire you to live your Life differently. Soak in that inspiration and every time you feel desperate or depressed about something in Life, employ that person’s spirit, his or her joie de vivre, to revive you!

Last week we met one such person – Malvika Iyer. She’s a bilateral amputee, who lost both her hands in a bomb blast in Bikaner, Rajasthan, caused by a fire in an ammunition depot. It was a near fatal accident. Her two legs were badly injured too – she had multiple fractures in both of them; nerve paralysis in the right leg and hypoesthesia (loss of sensation) in the left leg. She was barely 13 then. She was hospitalized for 18 months and went through multiple surgeries in hospitals in Jaipur and Rajasthan. Today, almost 12 years on, Malvika is a Ph.D. Scholar and Junior Research Fellow at the Madras School of Social Work. She made up for the time she lost while she was in hospital, by completing her 10^th standard through a private appearance – she scored 97 % overall, with a 100 % each in Math and Science! Importantly, she finished in the same year that she would have, had she not met with the accident; which is, she did not lose an academic year! Malvika then went on to graduate from the famed St.Stephen’s College, New Delhi, even as she worked extensively with differently-abled children at the Centre for Child and Adolescent Well Being in New Delhi.    

Lady Courage - Malvika Iyer
Picture Courtesy: The Week/Internet

We went to meet Malvika, armed with all this information – of an achiever who had succeeded despite all the odds. But we ended up meeting the most down-to-earth person ever, a girl-next-door, who wore her ‘specialness’ on her sleeve. She is aggressive but not bitter and combative, she’s resolute but not abrasively feisty, she’s accepting of her ‘special’ condition but not apologetic, she’s conscious of her future – and the challenges it will bring along – but lives every moment to the fullest! Malvika says that she realized early on that camouflaging her disability was not a solution to her problem. Accepting the way she now was and living with the awareness of what she can and cannot do, was the only way, she reckoned, to live her Life fully, meaningfully!

There’s an infectious air of positivity about Malvika. Sitting with her you can feel your confidence levels receive a boost. You know that you too can face Life – squarely and with a smile! Behind Malvika’s quiet courage is her mother Hema’s unflinching support. Hema says Malvika’s accident changed their entire family’s attitude to living. Fear, insecurity, worry, anxiety – all these emotions, says Hema, did not mean anything, anymore. That Malvika had survived and that she had to live a full Life began to engage the entire family. So when Malvika – who chose not to wear her prosthetic hands when we visited her – whips out her smartphone and sends you a Friend Request on facebook, all by herself, without having hands like you and me, you know how right Hema’s been with dumping wasteful sentiments like self-pity and bitterness and encouraging Malvika to live and celebrate Life!

It is but natural to get stumped by one of Life’s blows. It takes time to make sense of what’s going on when Life socks you and shocks you. You don’t know how you are going to cope with your new reality. You don’t even know if you will make it, if you will survive to tell your tale. Surely, Malvika’s Life too went through precisely the same pattern, but where she changed the game for herself is to accept – and not resist – her new reality. From her acceptance, an inner peace was born. And that’s the resoluteness, the quiet courage that reflects in her. She employs this spirt to live her Life fully – unshackled by the past and undaunted by the future.

We came away inspired after meeting Malvika. You can all it the “Malvika Effect”! We were particularly delighted that she had accepted our invitation to receive the first copy of my forthcoming book “Fall Like A Rose Petal – A father’s lessons on how to be happy and content while living without money” (Westland) when it releases in August this year! I will carry the memory of this meeting in me for a long, long time – for it is not often that you meet someone who reminds you that you have, well, met Life!