Why faith in relationships is over-rated

The best way to have wonderful relationships is to do two things: never expect anything from it or from the other person and always respect the other person’s choice.

When we expect someone to be what we want them to be, we are not respecting the person as a special, unique individual. Where expectation comes, respect goes out, and agony comes in! Much of the problem in marital or personal relationships is because there is an expectation of faithfulness. While it is important that deceit or cheating must be avoided in any relationship – so honest, open conversations are always the best way forward in such situations – the nature of the expectation of faithfulness is an indicator that we have stopped respecting the other person. To be faithful cannot mean living someone else's Life. Or you cannot insist that someone live their Life as you want them to for you to be able to call them faithful. To be faithful means to be true to yourself, first doing what you want to do as long as it will not harm anyone else. When all people in a relationship are true to themselves, and don't harm each other, a harmonious environment is born that respects each individual in it. That's when relationships become meaningful and stand the test of time.

Osho, the Master, argues this perspective immensely well: "Who are you to demand faith from anyone else? Demanding faith is like demanding slavery. There's a misconception in people that love must be permanent. Only stones are permanent. To ask for faith is wrong. There was a season__the spring, the faith, the love arose in you. You did not create it. It was just a happening. Just like a breeze it comes and just like a breeze it goes. When it comes, rejoice. And when it goes, say good-bye. Millions of couples in the world know there's no love between them anymore. But for the sake of society, reputation, for respectability, they go on pretending they love each other. This pretension is the real sin, the real crime."

This is not to conclude however that love cannot be eternal between people. It can, as long as there is respect for the other person and there are no expectations, while being true to yourself first in the relationship.

A friend teaches me that true love means “compassion”

The compassionate are the richest people, they make this world so much better!

A reader, perhaps spurred by the flavor of the month, Valentine’s, asked me if love is a motivator or is it a responsibility. And I write this post to share what I know of what true love is.

Let us understand that love is fundamentally an expression of energy. The lowest form of that energy is when you make love, have sex; that energy is purely physical. That energy is also called passion. The next level of that same energy is love, where you go beyond the physical and feel for the other. There is give and take beyond the physical state in love and this is what makes people be with each other and thrive. And the third level of that energy is compassion, when there is something deeply spiritual that unites two people. And each only wants to be a giver. Each does not expect anything in return. This is the best and the purest state for a couple to be in. It may be possible that only the giver may be compassionate and the receiver may not reciprocate. But the giver goes on giving, with no expectation, with no complaints. So, the love that we commonly talk about at a romantic level, is mid-way between passion, plain love-making or sex and the deeply spiritual compassion.

Pure love is when all the energy in you transcends the physical, passionate, state, goes beyond the feeling stage and reaches the giving state, the compassionate state.

Let me share with you the story of my friend, who is now 50. I met him earlier this week, many years after he had separated from his wife. His wife actually had dealt with him rather unusually – taking over his property, deserting him and migrating to the US with their child. While she may have had her own reasons for her actions, my friend was devastated. He just could not reconcile, for several months, with what had happened. I remember him telling me: “I loved her and still love her a lot. She could have just told me that she wanted to break away from me and I would have walked away without a question. That she chose not to trust me with her decision hurts me more than her leaving me. And why deny me access to my own child?”

Over time, my friend immersed himself in his work. And all of us around him felt he had managed his emotional state pretty well. When I met him a few days ago, I asked him how he was coping. What he told me blew me away completely and my admiration for him has swelled. Here’s how the conversation went.

Me: “So, how are you coping with Life?”

Him: “Life’s beautiful. I married a Kashmiri woman whose husband died of cancer some years ago and adopted her son as my own.”

Me: “That’s wonderful. How old is the boy? And how has he adapted to you?”

Him: “The boy is 12 now. It’s been three years. He calls me ‘daddy’ and we are great friends. My wife and I are also great friends. To tell you the truth, I have a special and beautiful friendship with her. After her husband’s death, her in-laws were not supportive. They harassed her and blamed her for their son’s death (he was diagnosed with cancer within a few months of their marriage). She even contemplated suicide as she could not handle them nor get over her loss. She loved her husband a lot and did not see a meaning in her continuing to live. We have a mutual friend who asked me if I could consider marrying her so that she could get out of the tyrannical clutches of her in-laws. When I met her for the first time, she told me openly that she did not want to ever physically consummate our marriage. Because she still feels the presence of her husband in her Life. So, she told me that our own marriage may not work out. I liked her openness. And her concern for me. I told her we could still marry and be great friends. That’s how it all started and all three of us are very, very, very happy!”

Me: “That’s such a great choice and gesture. I respect you. But don’t you miss something: maybe physical intimacy? Maybe your first wife?”

Him: “Life’s not about sex and physical relationships alone. I still love my first wife. But she’s gone. What’s the point in pining for her or holding a grudge against her? I decided to channelize my love for her and my first child, who’s with her, toward my second wife and her son. Their presence in my Life keeps me anchored and their friendship keeps me going.”

Even as I recall this conversation here, I feel blessed and grateful that my dear friend reiterated for me a learning that’s so invaluable. Love’s not only about physical intimacy with a partner. There’s a special friendship that’s possible if you make the effort. And if nurtured, through sharing, caring and compassion, as in my friend’s case, it can take Life to a spiritual level, making it beautiful and meaningful!

So, as a Valentine’s Day message, let’s take away the need to evolve and attain the state of compassion, when you are only giving, with no expectation of anything in return. 

If you are lonely in each other’s presence, it’s probably best to separate!

Loneliness is a virtue if you are alone, a learning if you are in a crowd and a curse if you experience it in a relationship – particularly in a marriage!

Someone who read my recent blogpost on Bajirao Mastani (http://avisviswanathan.blogspot.in/2015/12/what-we-can-learn-from-kashibai-about.html) shared her perspective: “I don’t think Kashibai deserves to be deified for her choice of separating from Bajirao. Perhaps, she was uninteresting and very traditional, housewife-ish? Perhaps Bajirao found Mastani very refreshing, vibrant, oozing mohabbat from every pore…perhaps the trappings of being a Peshwa and being bound to tradition – wife, kingdom, mother, army – shackled Bajirao and he just wanted to break free? And Mastani’s offer to be his companion gave him that exit route?”

Hmmm….! In the absence of the real Bajirao, the real Kashibai and the real Mastani, you can’t entirely disagree with this reader’s point of view. Besides, if that is what drove Bajirao go with Mastani, nothing wrong with it at all. It is definitely a better choice than being lonely in a marriage – which, interestingly, leaves your spouse lonely too! In the movie The Lunchbox (Ritesh Batra, 2013), Lillete Dubey, who plays Illa’s (Nimrat Kaur) mother, poignantly alludes to how lonely – and dreary and traumatic – her Life has been until her husband’s passing away. In fact, she confesses, not in a grief-stricken state of stupor, but in a moment of absolute clarity, that all she really wants to do, to perhaps celebrate her new freedom, is to eat parathas! The reference to parathas is purely figurative. It could be anything that you love doing - anything except feeling lonely in a relationship, anything except suffering alone, anything except being shackled!

A marriage is nothing but an arrangement, equivalent of a business contract. If, for whatever reason, it doesn’t work out, the arrangement must be dissolved. There’s nothing to grieve about, feel sorry for or berate when a marriage fails. A marriage fails because the two people in it have stopped looking forward to each other. They can’t relate to each other anymore. They are lonely in each other’s presence. How much more banal and painful can it get? When you put up with loneliness of this kind in a relationship the entire responsibility of your suffering is yours. Remember: you have a choice. And that choice is to opt out.

I am not trying to suggest that all of us must break away from our marriages. All I am saying is that if you are unhappy, lonely and suffering in a marriage – or any relationship – exercise your choice to break free. The brutal truth is none of us has too much time left here. This Life has to be lived – each moment is to be celebrated and you must be happy every step of the way! When something or someone pins you down and makes you lonely, sad or unhappy, either get it or them out of the way or you get out of the way yourself! Simple!!

Of friends in the family

The key to happiness in a family is the friendship between the parents!

Last week we were invited to tea at a friend’s place. Our friend, his wife and their daughter sat with us.  As we sipped some exotic Kashmiri Kahva tea, the conversation meandered to the subject of marriage. We all shared our thoughts on how companionship is more important than just being held hostage in the social framework of a marriage – where two people are trapped, unhappy with each other, trying to please the whole world! It was an interesting discussion that examined how marriage, as a socially-acceptable label, was perhaps losing relevance as a long-term engagement proposition.

Our friend’s daughter talked about the live-in relationship she had when she lived in Europe some years ago. She told us that because her partner could not make the move to India they decided to pursue their careers independently even if it meant separating from each other. But she added that despite their living on different continents their friendship has thrived. She looked at her parents and thanked them for supporting her choices all through – to live in with Mark, to choose to return to Chennai without him, and to continue to be friends with him. Our friend said, “We feel like Mark is one of our own.” And his wife exclaimed, “We will always love Mark. He’s a great guy!”

I found the entire conversation mature, honest and beautiful. For a couple of reasons. One, marriage as an institution indeed requires deconstruction and reengineering. Clearly the happiness of the people involved must be focused on more than the relationship. And that can happen only when two people are relating, in a present continuous sense, with each other. Often times – look around you and you will find so many examples of this – people are just clinging on to the social definition of the relationship although it has long been dead in a truly, deeply, personal sense! The other reason this conversation interested me was that this family inspires us and show us why we must respect the choices and preferences of our children. It beats me why some parents still want to control their children and force them to make choices for their (parents’) sake!

A good marriage is one where there’s a great friendship between two people. And a good family is one where parents and children respect each other for who they are – this means individual choices, opinions and decisions are not just welcome, they are encouraged; and everyone is free to live their Life, their way, without the fear of being judged. Simply, the friendship between parents impacts the destiny of the family – often determining how their children find love, meaning and happiness in Life! 

“When you value each breath, you will learn to be happy.”

‘The Happiness Road’ is a weekly Series on this Blog that appears on Sundays where I share my conversations with people while exploring their idea of happiness!

It will be easy to introduce Maneesha Ramakrishnan as “the lady who has seen death at close quarters.” But I prefer referring to her as the one who knows “the true meaning of Life and happiness”!

On 23^rd February 2010, Maneesha was trapped on the 7^th floor of Carlton Towers in Bangalore when the building caught fire. She survived the over-one-hour entrapment, but she had to go through nine surgeries over the next few years to be able to live on and tell her story. She has lost most of her voice, she breathes through a tracheotomy tube implanted in her larynx, and she has no sense of smell.

Before the Carlton Towers fire episode, her Life has not been exactly smooth either. She has had to deal with two relationships – that culminated in marriages which did not last; she has raised her two children, Akarsh and Dhruv, as a single parent. She has had to ‘stumble and struggle’ through various career options to ‘earn a living’. And then the Carlton Towers fire left her physically, financially and emotionally devastated when she was just 40!

Anyone in her position would have lost the will to live. But Maneesha has not just survived and soldiered on, she has learnt to be happy despite her circumstances!

Vaani and I know Maneesha through a common friend. We had invited her to receive a copy of my Book ‘Fall Like A Rose Petal’ when we launched it in Bangalore in August 2014. What she said back then, while receiving my Book, has stayed with us: “Value each breath. It is precious. I know what it means to be unable to breathe. When you value each breath, you will learn to appreciate the gift of this lifetime, and to be happy.”

On The Happiness Road Series this Sunday, I invited Maneesha to share her awakening, inspiring, perspectives on living and happiness! I have retained the Q & A format in which this conversation happened, because I find Maneesha’s thoughts simple and easy-to-hold and, above all, I feel adding on my views to them will mean diluting, or perhaps even adulterating, the essence of what she is saying! The green highlights in each of her answers are intentional – they are the key takeaways or learnings we can borrow from Maneesha’s beautiful, shaken-but-not-stirred Life!

Pictures Courtesy: Maneesha's Personal Album

What does happiness mean to you?

The act of giving myself away before I need to or I am asked to. It is, well, a responsibility!

Has your idea of happiness evolved over the years?

Indeed it has.

As a child, I used to care for my two brothers – we three were born in consecutive years. My first idea of happiness was caring for them, caring for my cousins and making other people happy. My parents were caught up in their own struggles; their focus was not on us children. So, I found great warmth and joy in visiting my grandparents in Kerala for summer vacations. I used to be deliriously happy visiting them.

So, that was my early idea of happiness.

The Carlton Tower fire changed my idea of happiness, and of Life, forever. When I reflect back on how I was trapped in there on that fateful day, I realized that I was exposed to the “deepest form of human suffering – fighting for just a breath of fresh air”! I now know the value of each breath that I am breathing, that each of us is breathing. Ever since, I have been creating a lifetime in moments. And I am addicted to it. This addiction to live fully, moment by moment, to me now is happiness.

You have been through a couple of relationships - were you searching for something through them/in them?

Because I didn’t think my parents focused on me, I grew up becoming a rebel. I desperately wanted to get out of home and so, as soon as I was 18, I married my neighbor, who I was deeply in love with. But, to my horror, I realized that he was alcoholic and had no job. My husband’s mother was very kind to me, she loved me dearly with all her soul, she protected me and treasured me. But she sadly passed on soon after my first son was born. I tried to break away from the marriage but it ended up being messy – my father made things worse by launching a legal battle against my husband. In an effort to resolve the mess, I went back to my husband to try and make a new beginning. But after my second son was born, and when I did not see any point or hope in the relationship, I separated from him.

I carried on with my Life, raising my two boys, supporting them with money that I was earning from tuitions that I was offering to children in our neighborhood. This is when I met a counsellor, whose views on Life and happiness attracted me to him. He loved me deeply. More important, he taught me the value of loving myself. He made me feel special. I moved in with him. Over time, we married. It was a Christian wedding and I dressed in my dream dress. But he was 20 years older to me, and soon, he felt he needed to let me go. But as we separated, he told me, “Thank you for the best years of my Life that you have given me.”

Both these relationships taught me something very important. That Life just keeps on happening to us. We make some decisions based on how we feel about something, about someone, at a given time. When that circumstance, or person, or both change, we must be open to change too. Clinging on to a situation that you don’t want makes you unhappy. Letting go sets you free and allows you to invite happiness in your Life!

How did the Carlton Towers fire change your Life?

I think about the Carlton Towers fire every day.

But not the way I did on 23^rd February 2010, the day when the fire happened. She (yes it’s a “she”:)!) crosses my mind like a spring cardinal that flies past the edge of my eye: startling, luminous, lovely and she’s gone! The event of the fire and the tragedy is something that I’ve come to look at as a significant segment of the journey that I’ve been on in this lifetime. I have learnt from her over a long period of time. It is not about getting over it or healing. No. It’s about learning to live with this transformation. For the experience is transformative, in good ways and bad, a tangle of change that cannot be threaded into the usual narrative spools.

2011: I felt it exhilarating and liberating that I was free from the bondage of Life support systems. Even as I grappled with a loss of vitality, and impairment in physical functionality, I was happier being the way I was. My wind pipe and vocal cords have got constricted because of the amount of smoke I inhaled on that tragic day. Despite repeated surgeries they have refused to get back to normal. So I breathe with the help of a tracheotomy tube inserted in my larynx. When I must speak, I block the tube’s opening and that makes me audible – it restores normal functioning of the vocal cords because we do pause our breathing when we speak.

2012 & 2013: I resolved that I was going to work on myself. I began by moving away from self-pity.  I stopped obsessing over the repeated trials and tribulations in my Life culminating in some way with this gruesome fire and tragedy. I began to nurture my children. This helped me repair and resurrect myself. I started to participate in the movement to bring justice and closure to those nine families whose loved ones did not survive the fire. This gave me a sense of purpose. It was not easy. But it kept me moving in a direction that I was very happy with. I stopped viewing myself as a helpless, hapless victim. I decided to call myself “The Queen of the Carlton Fire”. That change in perspective, in personal perception, opened me to the opportunity that all of us has in embracing abundance thinking. Happiness is really celebrating what you have, celebrating who you are!

2014: I relaunched my career as a “Chef on Hire”. It gave me a physical, practical, financial and blissful anchor. But Bangalore weather can play truant with someone who now as a permanent breathing impairment. After struggling with a couple of winters, I realized I have to stop looking at external reference points and circumstances to change for me to be happy, for me to be at peace. I simply went within and have found complete bliss.

2015: Finally, I am alive again. :) Each day, each moment, I allow myself to just be! I feel all the more entitled to be living Life fully now.

Yes it’s taken five long years to get here! But I am happy I am here!

How has it been raising two boys - for most times as a single parent?

Maneesha with her soulmates Akarsh & Dhruv

Akarsh and Dhruv are my soulmates. They have grown up into young adults despite their entire childhood, their teenage years and young adulthood being ridden with chaos, uncertainty and stress. They have given me reason to love, live, laugh and they have loved me so unconditionally. They have taught me the value of compassion – they doted on me through my several stints in hospital; with Dhruv even refusing to leave my bedside. Ours is a great friendship – I have always been open, sharing with my boys and I am always willing to learn from them. I am so grateful to God that this area of my Life, as a parent, a single parent, has been so blissful, so blessed, so beautiful.

How do you cope with your practical lows - when there isn't enough money for a medical procedure or when you want to do something for your boys? 

We are so blessed. Yes, we have been pushed to edge several times but the Universe has never let us down! It is a very compassionate Universe. People who hardly know us have kept supporting us financially. Whenever I can I have provided what my two boys need. But when I have been unable to, I have always told them openly why I have been unable to give them what they want. This honesty has helped immensely. I have also never allowed the feeling of financial constraint to get to me. If I have not had money to give my maid or a helper at home, I have cooked them a meal. Such acts of serving, has always made me happy; and for them…I guess…they have felt loved and cared for. So, yes, there are practical everyday lows, but you overcome them with love!

How do you manage to walk the tightrope between living happily in the moment and earning a living?

Life is a tightrope walk. But you must not see only the tightrope. You must see how blessed you are to be on it, with all the love and compassion that holds you up there. I remind myself daily that I am “God’s favorite” – that I will never be let down, I will always be looked after. I have accepted the tightrope as an integral part of my Life. When you accept your Life for how it is in the present moment, you can be nothing but happy!

What is the message you would like to give to the world? To the millions out there who don't know they are blessed and instead are taking their blessings for granted and are leading unhappy, miserable lives?

See your Life as a fantastic growth school! Everything that you experience, both good and challenging, has come to you to teach you the lesson that you need to learn for you to evolve as a person. Understand this truth. Keep asking yourself, 'What opportunity does this person or situation represent in terms of your personal growth?’ This is a great source of inner peace. The best way to live Life is to live the authentic Life. Never betray yourself.

Have you ever thought of where you want to go in Life from here?

I want to share with the world this blessing I have, that of a capacity to temporarily put away all the

circumstances that surround me, that hold me hostage in a physical sense, to go within and find inner peace and true happiness. Post the Carlton fire, in 2012, when I was going through intense physical trauma, an epiphany occurred to me. I chose to let my pain be where it was and chose instead to look at the pain and suffering of another. I saw the families of those who were lost in the fire. I saw their grief. I gave them all my love. That was a huge healing process for me. I want people to learn from my experience. I want to share this awareness, this method too, with the whole world.

I visualize myself driving around in a food truck, with lots of balloons, giving away food and home remedies to people who need them the most. Not just to humans but to animals and birds. I believe that in living in the beauty of each moment, fully, with love and compassion, we can be eternally happy!

“Laugh at Life, at your situation and at yourself!”

‘The Happiness Road’ is a weekly Series on this Blog that appears on Sundays where I share my conversations with people while exploring their idea of happiness!

This Sunday it’s a blessing to be featuring Manohar Devadoss, Chennai’s iconic artist, author and story-teller!!

Being Manohar Devadoss is not easy.

He’s 79 now. And blind.

Manohar & Mahema Devadoss at their Wedding
December 30, 1963
Photo Courtesy: Manohar Devadoss

He was married to his love Mahema for 45 years. She passed away in 2008. Of these 45 years, Mahema was a quadriplegic – devastated by an accident in December 1972 – for 35 years. And Mano, who began to have progressive, degenerative eyesight around then – leading eventually to total blindness – cared for Mahema for all those 35 years. If Shahjahan built the Taj Mahal for his beloved, Mano ensured – though his love for her, his compassion, his practical thinking, his toiling – that Mahema lived through those 35 years, unable to use her limbs, without a single bedsore! He also anchored himself to stay strong, alongside Mahema, as they raised their beautiful daughter Sujatha in the midst of their individual, physically debilitating, conditions.

Temple Chariot
by Manohar Devadoss

Manohar & Mahema Devadoss
"A Quiet Courage"
Photo Courtesy: Manohar Devadoss

Despite such a challenged Life, spanning over 50 years, Mano has immersed himself in his art – he has drawn sketches of several temples and chronicled the architecture of his favorite city Madurai; his ink drawings on a heritage series of greeting cards are still a huge draw! And he has written books – two on Madurai and several oh Mahema. Most important, he has always been not just resilient, but has been – and is – happy. You will never find Mano “moping and mourning”. You will only find him smiling beneath his thick moustache, from ear to ear, as he gives you his fullest attention, even while not being able to see you.

Which is why I say, being Manohar Devadoss is not easy.

I ask him how he makes a lifetime’s hard work of accepting and living with adversity so easy – so inspiring.

He replies, “I am not sure my Life is inspiring. I have never tried to be inspiring. I have only tried to live with the way my Life has been. Perhaps, I have this natural flair to laugh at things that normally make you sad. Bringing in humor is a wonderful way to cope with a tough situation. Laughing at yourself and Life helps.”

Manohar & Mahema Devadoss
Photo Courtesy: Manohar Devadoss

Sure. One should learn laughing at oneself from Mano! On their 36^th wedding anniversary, on December 27^th, 1999, Mano gifted Mahema and himself a pair of rusted dumbbells. When Mahema looked on quizzically, Mano said, “You weigh like a sack of potatoes. My back is giving up. In order to lift and move you several times in a day, I need to strengthen my biceps. So, I thought this would be the best gift for us.” He recalls Mahema laughing unstoppably! But Mano went to work on his biceps – working over 700 lifts of the 12.5 kilo dumbbells daily! Result: during the next 9 years that Mahema was alive, Mano never had a back problem!! He says, “Here was a situation. Mahema was unable to move. I was unable to see. But I needed to make sure she was moved around painlessly. I was past 60 – not exactly young – and with a back condition. I had to think practically. I had to find a creative way to stay fit. Besides, working out is a happier way of dealing with a challenge than complaining about a bad back!”  “In fact, later on, I would remark to Mahema that she wasn’t weighing like a sack of potatoes anymore, she weighed just as much as a basket of flowers would!” he adds, laughing heartily.

Manohar Devadoss
Photo by Vaani Anand

It’s hard for me to describe what I feel for the man in front of me. He’s personally tossed up a special salad – with lettuce and walnuts in a fresh home-made mayo dressing – that he calls “Tulsania”. He’s gone to the grocer’s in the morning to shop for the salad. He insists that his helper at home whips up an apple milk shake – “with very little added sugar” – for Vaani and me. Looking at the way he is, the way he cares for you, the way he goes about his Life, you can’t say this man’s been through so much. He’s seen so much pain, so much stress, so much constraint, all through his Life. And yet he has the ability to laugh? So truly, genuinely, happily? I conclude that I don’t feel sorry for him. I feel love. I feel compassion.

The Tulsiana that Mano tossed up
Photo by AVIS Viswanathan

His daughter Sujatha lives with her husband and children – he is an American diplomat and so is always serving in another part of the world. Mano lives alone in their Santhome home in Chennai. Vaani is curious to know how Mano copes on a daily basis – now that Mahema is not with him anymore. Mano replies, “It was difficult. But then I feel Mahema’s presence. She is always there with me. I work on the endowments we set up to keep her memory alive, I write books celebrating her Life, I create art which sells and the proceeds go to support causes. You know, when Life has a Purpose, it is easy to deal with Life. Mahema taught me this. I live by this principle to keep myself going, happy and living in the moment.”  

Any fears, any insecurities? “Honestly, I try not to think of the future. Yes, but surely I don’t wish I have a paralytic stroke or something, especially at my age, with my eyesight being nil, I don’t want to cause any problems for people around me. I live each day as it comes. Ask me about today and I can tell you how I am feeling, how I am coping. But I can never say anything about tomorrow, nobody can.”

Mano’s Life is not just inspiring. It is awe-inspiring. You will not find Mano philosophical. You will not find him preachy. You will not find him extra-ordinary. You will not find him depressed – never. He’s the perfect embodiment of Zen which teaches us to live Life simply accepting what is – “when hungry eat, when tired sleep”.

That’s why I say, being Manohar Devadoss is not easy. But through the way he has lived his Life he shows us that being happy is easy. Mano’s secret of happiness could possibly be this – accept the situation, think practically, be creative and laugh – at Life, at your situation and at yourself!

Listen more about Mano and Mahema Devadoss’ beautiful Life in this audiobook, “A Quiet Courage”, by Charkha Books here - http://www.flipkart.com/quiet-courage-english/p/itmddg38um4zra4g

One of Mano’s books on Madurai is available here: http://www.amazon.com/Multiple-Facets-Madurai-Manohar-Devadoss/dp/8188661627

"Rise In Love" - A film inspired by "Fall Like A Rose Petal"

In early 2008, AVIS Viswanathan and Vaani Anand - soul-mates, friends, husband-wife, business partners - were staring at a bankruptcy of their Firm. A series of business decisions had brought them to the brink of penury. AVIS wrote a Book "Fall Like A Rose Petal - A father's lessons on how to be happy and content while living without money" which was published by Westland in August 2014. The Book shares, through letters AVIS wrote to their two children, Aashirwad and Aanchal, the spiritual lessons that the family learnt through their Life-changing experience - of hopelessness, of fear, of court cases, of police complaints, of insolvency, of pennilessness. Also of faith, patience, love, companionship, abundance and soul. 

'Rise In Love' is a film made by a young film-making student Shalu C. She was inspired by AVIS' Book and was keen to explore how "true love thrives in the face of adversity". In a world ridden with dysfunctional relationships, Shalu discovers that a rare magic and chemistry between Vaani and AVIS has helped them both deal with their complex, numbing Life situation strongly, even as it has kept this small family of four together, despite a storm ravaging their material lives.

The film is based on a series of conversations Shalu had with Vaani and AVIS and with people who know them very well. It's a film that teaches you to appreciate the beauty of companionship, that inspires you to be happy despite the circumstances, that tells why relating between people is more important than the relationship itself, that motivates you to face Life squarely and that shows you how you too can 'rise in love'!

PS: This film is not a complete re-adaptation of AVIS' Book nor does it attempt to portray all the challenges that Vaani and AVIS are faced with.

Refuse to hate whatever or whoever you don’t like

At the core of all our suffering is hatred.

Whenever we hate something or someone, we suffer. Consider this. You are in a relationship. And then you break up. Till the break-up happened, you did not suffer. But now you do because you hate the sight, even thought, of that person for all the reasons you ascribe to the break-up. Or you go to a restaurant and order food, let us say a paneer tikka sizzler. And what you get is a chicken tikka sizzler. You eat a bit of it and want to throw up! You hate the restaurant, the chef, the owner, everyone! You suffer. So to put an end to your sufferings from situations and people, you must stop hating__anyone and anything!

Learn to treat each event dispassionately. Believe that things will and do happen. People will and do behave differently at different times. Such is the nature of Life. By hating people for who they are, over which you have no control, you are hurting yourself. By all means, express yourself. Choose not to put up with nonsense or behavior that you find despicable or even hate. But don’t hate the person. It is indeed possible to not hate a person and yet fight their action. This is what Gandhi taught us. He said, famously, “I do not hate the English. I just don't like the way they rule my country!” The essence of this philosophy is that all Life is equal, that people will do things which you may not subscribe to. In each such situation, bring in understanding and compassion. Pour love into that situation, for your own peace, and so that you don’t suffer, refuse to hate the person causing that situation. And refuse to hate the situation either. Like Gandhi, go down to work on changing the situation.

This is the true strength of your character, of your indomitable will. Doing this, each time you are oppressed, attacked, betrayed, or let down, means you are strong. Doing this, each time you are in a situation that you did not want or expect, means you are strong. Think about it. Do you have it in you? Try it. You will discover that you indeed do have it in you! Remember: Only when you stop hating, do you stop suffering!

Don’t shut yourself to love

It is fine to fail in love in Life. The bigger tragedy is to not get any love or, worse, shut yourself to love.   

I read the story of a 62-year-old man from Bihar yesterday. In his early twenties he had an affair with a South-Indian, Tam Bram, girl. Her parents had her hurriedly married off to a Tam Bram engineer when they heard of the affair. Today, 39 years hence, the man still pines for her. He lives in Nainital presently but visits Hyderabad each year just to see her. He recently wrote this on facebook: “Today she has 2 kids; one son married and the other son is in the United States. She also has a grandchild, a girl. She lives in Hyderabad. Every year for the last 39 years, I have gone to see her. I don't meet her or make her even aware that I am there. I don't want her to feel embarrassed. I guess I live my Life through her. I never knew why she didn't have the courage to fight for “us” – something that I was willing to do. I guess I will never know. I am 62, unmarried, retired; I live alone in a three bedroom cottage, and today, when I reflect back, I wonder if I made the right choice?”

Clearly, this man is clinging on to his past. He has simply shut himself to love. It is fine to fail in love. Sometimes things don’t work out. Either before marriage or, as it often happens, even after marriage. The truth is marriage plays no role in helping two people relate to each other. When the relating stops, the relationship ends – whether or not you marry someone. In this man’s case, his beau succumbed to the pressure she faced from her parents – a story that has been played over and over and over again in many a Bollywood film right up until the late 1990s. In fact, films of those days merely portrayed what society was experiencing. By clinging on to what he believes is true love, the man has shut himself out for 39 long years. He need not have married again. But he surely could have been open to allowing himself to be loved and cared for.

Interestingly, this man and his story are but a metaphor. The learning from his story applies to all of us – whatever be our contexts. His is a tale of a lost relationship. But so many of us are trapped in the past too. We are clinging on to something which is dead. By holding on to what isn’t there, we are missing out on what is. And what is, is the perfect present – the now. Where love is in abundance. Where peace is in plenty. But to experience all of it, we must be present here – in the now.

Ask yourself: “What am I clinging on to?” Let go of whatever that hasn’t worked out or worked for you. Simply let go! Open yourself up and offer yourself to the opportunity in the moment. Then you will feel the difference. Your Life will be filled with love, peace and joy! 

Practice magnanimity: receive, embrace and transform hate into love

Don’t fight anyone, any situation in Life, by struggling, suffering and despairing. Feel deeply, practicing magnanimity, to understand the person, the situation, that is causing you distress. You will eventually prevail with love and compassion, than from fighting and engaging in a battle.

There are so many situations that you__and I__have encountered, and are perhaps even now facing, when people have been unkind to us. When they have schemed against us__in business, in families, at work, in the communities we live in__and have gained an upper hand by embracing falsehood and by using dishonest means. We have been devastated by the unfairness of people’s ways. And have become cold, numb and even turned cynical. We have lost trust in all of humanity perhaps too. We are suffering. Each one of us is. At times, it is not just individuals, but Life itself that has been ‘unfair’. A perfect Life has been thrown asunder by a health challenge or a devastating blow has been dealt to you by death snatching away someone that meant everything to you. You have never quite recovered from that tragedy. You are suffering. In either situation, the one caused by people around you, or the one in which Life dealt with you ‘unfairly’, practice magnanimity. Look at the person or situation deeply. Understand why that person is doing what she is doing. The truth is that a mother-in-law who is causing suffering to her daughter-in-law is actually suffering more. Her actions are actually a manifestation of her suffering. A boss who is trampling on his team member’s self-esteem, causing untold misery on the poor professional, is actually suffering more because of his own Life’s experiences. A rapist who outrages the modesty of a young teenager is actually representative of a mind suffering from a huge inferiority complex and craving for attention and love. The one who causes suffering is already suffering. Know that. And understand that if you respond with wanting to retaliate, avenge, fight, with I-will-teach-you-a-lesson attitude, you will only continue this chain of suffering.

Feeling deeply, practicing magnanimity, is what will break this chain. It may seem difficult and impossible. How can I be magnanimous in the face of deceit, dishonesty and a vulgar display of power, you may ask? I am not Gandhi, I am just a human being, you may argue. The truth is Gandhi was also a human being. A mere mortal. So was Jesus. But they did not suffer like you and I do. They ended their suffering by feeling deeply for those who perpetrated inhuman acts against them. When one side stops fighting, the other side HAS TO come on the path of love, awakening and peace. Hate cannot end hate. A fight cannot end a fight. Feeling can, magnanimity can.

The Buddha taught this to his disciple Rahula thus: “There are four great elements__earth, water, fire and air. Learn from them, Rahula. Whether people pour milk or fragrant liquids, deposit flowers or jewels, or pour urine, excrement, and mucus on the earth, the earth receives them without discrimination. Whether people throw into water things that are pure and pleasant or wash in it things of filth and stench, water quietly receives everything, without feelings of pride, attachment, grievance or being humiliated. Fire has the ability to receive and burn all things, including things of filth and stench, without grieving or feeling humiliated. Air has the ability to receive, carry away, and transform all odors, sweet or foul, without pride, attachment, grievance or feeling humiliated. Why? Because the earth, water, fire and air have the capacity to receive, embrace and transform. The earth can receive excrement and urine because it is immense. It transforms them into flowers, grass, and trees. Water has immense embracing capacity, is ever-flowing, and has the ability to receive and transform whatever it takes in. Fire has immense receptivity and the ability to burn and transform whatever people bring to it. Air has immense embracing capacity and the extraordinary faculty of mobility. If you cultivate your heart so that it is open, you can become immense like the earth, water, fire and air, and can embrace anyone or anything without suffering.”

Try responding to a person or situation you are currently grappling with in your Life, with the attitude of the four great elements__earth, water, fire and air. This does not mean that you merely accept, and resign to, a situation that is causing you grief or unhappiness. It means invoking your immense capacity to be magnanimous, to feel deeply, understand and, therefore, transform your current plight into an opportunity for abundant happiness. In fighting, you continue to be unhappy. And suffer. In feeling deeply and embracing with understanding why some people behave the way they do, you become bliss.

Embrace compassion and enhance your humanness

To serve selflessly, compassionately, is one of the greatest qualities of being human. When you have done that, your Life will have counted.

Over the last several weeks, I have been watching my wife Vaani care for her dad. He’s 84 and is paralyzed on the left side having suffered a stroke earlier this year. His speech is impaired too. With an additionally agonizing prostrate condition, he is bed-ridden. The patient care team we have recruited to attend to him at home is inconsistent and low on quality. So, Vaani has had to not just lead the entire 24x7 operation of looking after him, she has often had to manage every bit of it. Whether or not the nurse shows up, whether or not the doctor is accessible, whether or not family members are willing to chip in and help beyond what they want to do, Vaani has never complained even once. She, in fact, personifies ‘devotion’ through the way she cares for her father. I must confess that I can never quite achieve her level of commitment to such a cause. Of course, I support her with all the logistics required to run the 24x7 operation. And her sister and brother support us too with the infrastructure and resources. But I believe we are all light years behind her when it comes to being selfless and unquestioningly compassionate.

I am reminded of reading what Osho, the Master, had once said. “Compassion is the purest form of love. You can call compassion prayerfulness. You can also call compassion meditation.” When I connect what Osho said to how Vaani is caring for her dad, I can relate to how compassion works. It heals the one who is being cared for and it energizes the one who is caring. In effect, compassion is therapeutic. Osho likens being compassionate to a rain-bearing cloud. He says, “Just like a cloud full of rainwater has to shower, you too shower compassion because you have it and you have to shower to unburden yourself. When a rainwater-bearing cloud has showered and the earth has absorbed, you can hear the cloud saying “thank you” to the earth. Because the earth has helped the cloud unburden. So, compassionate people are compassionate to the ones they serve with a deep sense of gratitude.”

I am still learning this way of Life. I am not even a beginner. I have not even reached the play-school stage. I am just an infant waiting to be served. But Vaani inspires me. And she humbles me at the same time. This may appear to be a paean in my wife’s praise. Let me clarify that this is more than just that. It is a celebration of what it takes to be human. It is an invitation to understand what compassion is. And a call to learn to be compassionate. If each of us can embrace this quality we can enhance our humanness. And make our world a lot better than it is today!

Firewall your inner peace

Love your peace so much that you would want no one or nothing to disturb it.

Every incident or individual that frustrates you does so because you allow it or them to do so. Be selfish here for a change. Build a wall around you that is impregnable. A wall that is made of intelligence, forgiveness, love and awareness. What frustrates us? People not behaving the way we expect them to. Or when events that we least expected pop up to challenge us, to test us. Or when Life’s not exciting enough, has become a drag and nothings seems to work out. First, employ your intelligence. You are not dumb. You know that people are entitled to their thoughts, behaviors and opinions, just as you are entitled to yours. So, every time you are frustrated with the people, know that, that’s the way people will be. You must therefore rise above and forgive them. Love people and Life for the way things are. Because Life never promised fair play. It is our misplaced expectation that everything must be as we wish which causes us to feel frustrated. Live with the deep awareness that ‘it is what it is’. And additionally, love the peace that you are, that’s within you.

                 

Only when you allow someone permission will they invade the private precincts of your peace. It’s like a wireless network. Unless the network is password protected, anybody with a wireless device will be able to access your network. But if you have firewalled your network, having an access key known only to you, the network will be visible, but inaccessible. So, firewall your peace with love__love for yourself, love for all of humanity. Because when you don’t react to every frustration that comes your way, you are helping those that are frustrating you as well. You are helping conserve precious human energy which would have been lost otherwise in attacks and counter-attacks, reactions and retaliatory actions. Way back in the 17^th Century, Roman Catholic Saint and former Bishop of Geneva, St.Francis de Sales (1567-1622), taught this unputdownable lesson: “Do not lose your inner peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset.” Remember: you and I are not chemicals. We can think before we react, if we are aware that our inner peace is non-negotiable, non-tradeable and no one should be allowed to even touch it, let alone disturb it.

Being POPO-ed is a dimension of Life that you have to live with

POPO: Pissed On and Passed Over!

This often happens to all of us in Life. And leaves us frustrated, fuming, feeling negative and vengeful. So, when this happens to you, or if it is happening to you just now, take it easy. You are not the only one. We are all POPO-ed__one way or the other. When this happens in a relationship, you feel like a used paper tissue. And the grief of having been taken for a ride, taken for granted, takes a long, long time to heal. At work, it leaves you disenchanted and grumpy. You sulk. You stop putting in your best and reason with yourself asking ‘what’s the use?’

But here’s a different take. When POPO-ed don’t do the normal. Don’t grieve. Don’t sulk. Don’t give up on the individual. Instead keep giving your 100 %. Grieving, sulking, bad-mouthing and cold-shouldering are acts of cowardice. Fight the injustice but with love, with mindfulness, by serving. In fact, whatever happens in Life, happens because it was meant to be so. If someone got promoted, that person perhaps deserved it. But in your eyes, you deserved it more. Instead of saying ‘hey, this is unfair’ respond with ‘how could I have served better so that I could have got it.’ This whole idea of deserving must be preceded by serving. Serve to deserve. And even then if you don’t get what you think was truly yours, live in the acceptance of that verdict. This is what will help you retain your sanity, stay anchored and keep moving on.

When we get caught in the cesspool of negative energy, resentment, anger and vengefulness, we are hurting ourselves. We must be selfish here. If someone pissed on you, trampled on you, let you down, they did it because they wanted to hurt you. And you will be, by being angry with them, by carrying vengeance and hatred in your heart, allowing them to succeed. If someone overlooked you and gave another what must have truly come to you__a job, a raise, a promotion, a gift, a compliment, a reward, whatever__understand that this person may either want to hurt you or must have a different point of view. By burning within, you are helping this person get what she wants. By reacting without understanding her point of view, you are being judgmental. So, the most selfish, the most blissful response to being POPO-ed is to be selfless and give the situation love, all your attention and magnanimity, to keep doing what you would have done if the situation did not exist. This is your way to inner peace.

Now, many times, people tell me, “But I am not Saint or a Mahatma? I am not evolved. I am just human.” Please know that Gandhi was also an unevolved, hurting human and he died only because he was human. To be evolved you don’t need to be a Saint. And being a Saint does not mean you are meek. A Saint, a true Saint, is a warrior of a different kind. Someone who has conquered the demons within. Someone who knows that it is but natural for Life and people to be unfair, that being POPO-ed is but a dimension of Life, a phase that we have to live with. Not with suffering. But with peace.

This doesn’t mean that the peaceful should not fight the injustice. But fight it differently. First don’t hurt. Next, return love for hatred and respect for contempt. Third, if there has truly been a case of injustice, choose a form of protest which rises above the ordinary and refuse to yield to the injustice by giving the situation 100 % of everything. These are not contradictory approaches. They are complementary. When you are peaceful, you will be able to fight meaningfully and successfully. So when POPO-ed, be mindful and loving, don’t be sulking!