Whether hopeful or hopeless, be happy!

If being hopeless makes you peaceful, be hopeless. What’s important is that you be at peace with yourself!

Yesterday a reader wrote to me saying she didn’t want to be hopeful about her Life anymore. She said she had made peace with her miseries. I did not disagree with her. If she is peaceful, even while she’s ostensibly in a lot of pain, that’s what matters the most. It is wrong to assume that people can’t have a truck with their problems. Always, that’s how acceptance comes. But the key is that you must be happy accepting your Life the way it is. If you are not happy, if you are not at peace, then such acceptance is, virtually, no acceptance. An intrinsic effect, an outcome, of acceptance is that it puts an end to all your suffering. The pain continues to be there. But the suffering ceases. If you are still suffering then you have not accepted your situation fully, you are still grudging it.

I have found that being hopeless is not a bad thing to do – as long as you don’t sulk, brood and become depressive. Hopelessness is nothing but acceptance. You reach a state when you decide that things are going to be the way they are and you can’t do anything but endure the Life you have. So, if this is the state in which you find inner peace, then it is completely irrelevant whether you call it hopelessness or acceptance! But there’s a caveat here – don’t complain or grieve about your situation. Just learn to cope with it and live with it. You of course can continue to work on trying to solve your problems, but with acceptance and not with resentment!

Now, whether you accept a situation or not, whether you are hopeful about Life or not, your Life will change over time. Everything changes. And every situation passes on. What comes, goes away. And something new comes in its place, to soon go away. Hope and hopelessness are human inventions. They are mere labels we stick on otherwise listless events and circumstances. Think about it: if you are likely to get what you want, you are hopeful; and if you are unlikely to get what you want, you are hopeless. But neither your wanting something, or resenting something, is going to stop whatever is coming your way. This is how Life works – it has a mind of its own and it keeps on happening to you, irrespective of how you feel. So, why label situations as hopeful or hopeless – and sweat over either? Just go with the flow, living with what is. But if you can’t avoid labeling, live with the label too – like the reader who wrote in yesterday. Whatever you do, be at peace with yourself, with your Life, and, important, be happy!

Pain always offers a teachable point of view

You appreciate Life’s inscrutability only when you don’t get what you want or when you get what you don’t want!

This is an amazing truth about Life. It is a revelation, a discovery, that often strikes you, dawns on you, when you are in the throes of pain and despair. When everything is going per your aspirations, your desires, you conclude that you are in control, that you are the Master, that it’s all your doing. You matter the most to you in such times – this is how it works: you do well in academics, land yourself a dream job, get married to a person of your choice; you think you managed all of that ‘success’ on your own steam; because of your brilliance, genius and effort. Undoubtedly, you have worked hard and efficiently. There has been your contribution. But to imagine that the design of your Life was woven by you smacks of ignorance, not just arrogance, of the way Life works.

I met a Tamizh movie director, a very successful man, recently. He is smart, intelligent and very creative. He said, “I don’t believe in dreams. I believe in subconscious aspirations, dedicated effort and flawless execution. You make your own destiny.” Poetic words. Makes sense to the rational mind. Except that Life doesn’t always work this way. A very successful industrialist I know, who went bankrupt and has clawed his way back into reckoning, and profits in business, has this learning to share: “When things were going fine, I was thinking it was my leadership, my acumen, my business-sense that were causing my success. When we started losing money and eventually went bust as a business, I found that the same leadership and acumen__mine__were of no use. That’s when I awoke to the reality that Life has a mind of its own.” I have learnt that it’s a good thing to not always get what you want and to sometimes get what you don’t want too. That’s when you learn from Life. The best thing about pain is that it always offers a teachable point of view. And trauma is a good transformation agent, a catalyst.

There’s no rocket science to why we__you and me__awaken only when in pain. Life is best understood by asking the right questions. And we pause to ask questions, explore with curiosity, only when we don’t get what we want – or when we get what we don’t want! Interestingly, the questions we ask may often get us no answers. Just more questions emerge. And the more questions we ask, the closer we are to understanding Life. That’s when we realize that Life is, well, inscrutable! 

A Life lesson from Neerja’s father, Harish Bhanot

Don’t allow anyone to do injustice to you and don’t suffer injustice.

Rama and Harish Bhanot - both have passed on
Picture Courtesy: Neerja Bhanot Archives/Internet

Yesterday, I watched Ram Madhvani’s brilliant biopic on Pan Am flight purser Neerja Bhanot (1963~1986) - ‘Neerja’. And I cried twice. Once, at the theatre, when Neerja (Sonam Kapoor in an unforgettable performance) reads out the letter that her first husband Naresh, undoubtedly a poor human being and an MCP, wrote to Harish Bhanot. And the second time I cried when I thought about that scene again, later in the evening, while sitting on my couch at home and nursing a drink. The letter is a cold, brutal, factual expression of how women are treated in our country, in some of our families. I cried the first time because I could relate to every word in that letter – because that’s how my mother has always treated Vaani. I cried the second time because I felt guilty that, in the early years of our marriage, I had not succeeded in fighting the injustice that was meted out to Vaani and me. And that’s precisely what Harish Bhanot teaches his daughter, Neerja: “Never allow injustice to happen and never suffer it.” I wish I had known this back then – that I must not just stand up, I must stand firm, even if it was against my mother, for Vaani. I wish I had stood firm the very first time that Vaani was treated unfairly.

I am not saying this by way of justifying my insufficient action at that time. But the context in a typical TamBrahm – perhaps in most Indian families it is so – family of the 60s/70s/80/90s was that the daughter-in-law shall slave it out. And the mother-in-law will dominate. The son shall not speak up to the parents even if it meant standing up for his companion; because how dare you let down your mother in front of your wife? Besides, this lousy logic that ‘all mothers-in-law will have problems with their daughters-in-law’ and ‘it happens in every home’ was used to smother the fires. In our family particularly, no one dared to question the source of all things fractious and manipulative – my mother! And every time I tried, whenever an episode of injustice happened, I failed miserably. Each time I tried to protect Vaani, I would be shouted down in a long-drawn, physically draining, and often-times violent too, completely uncivil war of words. That my mother and I had a poor chemistry, that in deference to her wish, we are staying in ‘their’ home in the first 18 months of our marriage, didn’t help matters one bit. We had to pay for phone calls that Vaani made to her parents and we had to pay for the food that her family members consumed when they visited her. Vaani was never allowed to use the washing machine and she had to wash everyone’s clothes by hand. The maid was sacked on the pretext of being a perpetual latecomer – but the ‘real’ reason was that since Vaani was now expecting a baby (Aashirwad) and was going to be at home, ‘let’s save the maid’s salary and put Vaani to work’. There are countless horror stories that can fill a book and that consumed several nights of our early, young, adulthood owing to the domestic strife we had to face.

It is possible that I may be appearing to be petty recalling all this here, after all these years. It may also look like I am being uncharitable to my mother who may not necessarily have grown up, though she’s certainly grown much, much older. To be sure, for my own inner peace, I have forgiven her long ago. But the truth about Life is you can forgive people but you can’t always forget what happened to you (I have shared more on how this can practically work in my Book ‘Fall Like A Rose Petal’; Westland, 2014). That part of ‘Neerja’, the letter-reading scene in particular, brought back painful memories that I did not want to ever revisit. Yet, this is not about my past, this is not about how heartless and remorseless my mother’s behavior has been, this is about a lesson that no one taught me then. In fact, I didn’t even know there was a lesson. But upon reflection I feel everyone should know this one lesson – even if you don’t learn anything else in Life: You, and only you, are responsible for your inner peace, dignity and happiness. Don’t allow anyone to do injustice to you and don’t suffer injustice.

You don’t have to always fight – as I foolishly tried to for years – with a view to avenge your detractor or change the person, you can simply walk away. The biggest power we all have, the simplest option we all have, is to get up and walk away from a situation or a person that hurts us or makes us unhappy. We don’t exercise this option because we wonder how society will look at us, we think of how that person will feel if we walked out. I have learnt, from experience, that how you feel is most important to your inner peace and happiness. If you feel something’s not right, something unfair is happening, stand up, say no, and leave.

It’s time all of us made a sincere effort to change our lives and our world. Especially the way we treat our women. Spouses, companions, friends, parents, siblings, family – whoever you are, if you must stand up for your lady, do that. As the father of a young, adult, daughter today I can relate to the pain that Vaani’s parents must have felt seeing her go through what she did and seeing me so helpless – they knew I loved her do deeply. I definitely don’t want my daughter to ever go through what Vaani had to experience. And this time, I know I will not just stand up, but stand firm.

There’s a part of all of us that is always wanting to be warm, willing to adjust, open to accommodate and ready to tolerate. But let all the warmth, adjustment, accommodation and tolerating happen at a practical, material level. And let it stop there please. Don’t allow anyone to affect your dignity just because they are older to you or more powerful – whoever they are. Because when you allow that you end up becoming unhappy. Your inner peace and happiness are the only wealth you have – protect them till your last breath! 

You suffer only when you partner with your grief

How can anyone forgive when in grief and when still mourning the betrayal?

It is possibly true for all of us that we have all been, at some time or the other, let down by people whom we trusted and loved deeply. It is always numbing to discover such a let-down. You will feel beaten and betrayed. The after-taste of the episode will continue to haunt you for a long, long time. At all such times, remember this: People do what they do because they think they are right in doing it that way. So, there’s no point in either talking sense to them in such a time that they are gripped by their own stupor or in grieving over their behavior. The best approach is to take the one that Jesus took on the Cross – “Forgive them O! Lord, because they know not, what they do!”

You will perhaps argue that this is easier said than done. How can anyone move on when the heart aches, when the mind is lamenting why such a thing has happened in the first place?

I have learned that it is fine to be a fool sometimes in Life. A fool is one who doesn’t know anything. He or she is not worldy-wise. So, he or she, will continue to trust despite the evidence pointing to the contrary. The fact that you stand betrayed points to your having been a fool. So, simple. Continue being a fool. If you find forgiveness difficult, just continue being trusting or being vulnerable. A few more times people will continue to hurt you. But they will soon give up when they realize that you are refusing to get hurt. People love, in a sadistic sense, to see that their actions, in this case negatively, impact their target audience. When you subtly, through your, even if feigned, foolishness, deny them that pleasure, they will cease to persist with their designs.

The other case for ‘moving on’ and not ‘retaliating’ is that the world is already divided. By several zillion factors. If it is a close friend or relation, perhaps from the family, that has let you down, your sulking or wanting to avenge, is only going to divide your already fractured world further. It is only going to make the distances between you both grown wider, and often, render them unbridgeable. It takes two hands to clap. Suppose you don’t offer yours, there will be no thunder. And hence no issue. Or at least a complicated situation will not get further confounded with your participation.

Here’s an interesting story that came my way.

"In the forest there is a banana plant with its smooth wide leaves next to the thorny berry tree. The wind causes both to dance and to sway. The thorns of the berry tree rip the leaves of the banana plant. 

Who is to be blamed? The wind for causing them to sway?

Or the banana for growing close to the berry tree?

Or the berry tree for having thorns? 

The sage wonders, and realizes that if he did not exist, these notions of who to blame would not exist. Only humans blame and begrudge and resent, because we can imagine an alternate reality. 

The rest of Nature go about their own business."

So, let go. Go about your own business as if nothing’s happened. In a betrayal, as in any other situation involving pain, you suffer only because you choose to partner with your grief. Choose instead to be a fool and go on trusting or choose to believe as if you do not exist. Know that there is no alternate reality. It is what it is. This the only way you can be happy, and untouched, in the wake of the pain that follows let-downs!

A chef whips up a recipe for ‘non-suffering’!

Sometimes Life’s problems will confound you. It could be a relationship tangle, a financial situation, a health crisis or a professional challenge. You will find, to your dismay, that whatever solution you attempt will just not work. Because some things are simply not meant to be.

I recently met a man who is a master of his craft. He’s an extremely successful chef at a leading hospitality chain. We got talking. And I politely enquired about his family. He laughed heartily.

Taking a deep breath, he replied: “I have been married thrice. I got divorced twice. And widowed once. I have a 20-year-old autistic son who lives me. So, that’s my family!”

I felt sorry I had asked him that question. But he showed no signs of discomfort. Just so that we made the conversation easier, I remarked: “Oh! I am sorry. Must be tough on you. But you seem to be very enthusiastic about Life!”

He said: “Sorry? Don’t be. I have realized that I cannot have a regular, normal family that many others have. I have accepted that companionship is not part of my Life’s scene! Raising my son as a single parent has been difficult but I don’t complain anymore. My problems go through me! I don’t go through any problems. Not anymore!”

His simple, matter-of-fact attitude is very inspiring. Indeed. Isn’t that a practical way to look at Life? We normally respond to Life’s challenges with a sense of shock and dismay. We always lament about Life and wonder how difficult it is to go through the problems we are faced with. But here my chef friend has flipped the paradigm. His sense of acceptance has made him unflappable! There’s a learning here for us too. When you grieve over the Life you have you suffer. But when you accept it, while there may be pain, there will be no suffering. Perhaps, you may want to try this chef’s recipe for ‘non-suffering’: “let your problems go through you; you simply accept what is.”

Denial delays – and often denies – happiness

The more we deny, the farther we are moving away from happiness.

Life’s problems don’t always happen all of a sudden. They often build up over a period of time. We don’t see the problem as it is because of the state of denial we are often in.

A smoker knows smoking will lead to cancer. But he or she keeps denying that this reality will affect his or her Life; and so goes on smoking.

Many, many months before my Firm went bankrupt, a wise client (and a close friend) of mine had told me that “if you continue running your business this way, pretty soon you will go bankrupt”. I denied his sage counsel. I thought since he was older to me, he was conservative and hence not a risk-taker. So, I did not heed his advice. Eventually, when my Firm’s fortunes came crashing, I awakened to the realization that I should have never denied the problem we were in all that while.

Someone we know, who is very creative, is struggling to get one of his events off the ground. He just can’t find sponsors. He already owes money to people for an event he staged some months ago. So prudence demands that he does not launch a new event without settling his previous dues and without tying up sponsors. But he simply wants to plough on and is getting all stressed out as the event date approaches. He’s often breaking down and cries aloud that the Universe is not compassionate to him. Indulging in self-pity is a sure sign of denial. What this person must recognize is that the business model he is following is not taking off. So, something new must we worked on. Pushing forward without sponsors will only mean that he is digging himself a bigger grave – of debt!

Denying something even though you know it exists__a financial, relationship, health or self-belief problem__doesn’t make the problem go away. Or simply, denial does not help you avoid experiencing pain in a problem situation. It, in fact, increases your suffering. Because, since the problem doesn’t cease to exist, and continues to nag you, you are forever consumed by your fears. Wherever there is fear, suffering will be there too. To be sure, on the other hand, accepting__and not denying__a problem too does not make the problem go away. But because you accept it, and therefore you attempt to work on solutions__however long they may take__despite the pain, despite the circumstances, you do find inner peace and happiness.

There are no two ways to live Life. There is just one way __ live in total acceptance. The moment you deny whatever is happening, whatever you are going through, you are not saying yes to Life. You are not saying yes to whatever is. Know that saying yes to what is always leads to happiness – whatever be the circumstances!

‘Karma’ or no ‘karma’, simply take Life as it comes!

Your being good or having integrity does not necessarily mean you will not have to face Life’s upheavals.

I am often asked if karma has a role to play in our lives. Honestly I don’t know if karma works the way people believe it does. Karma is best understood as the law of action – of what goes around coming around. But I am not sure if the law works the way Hinduism and Buddhism profess it works – that it is “the sum of a person's actions in this and previous states of existence, viewed as deciding their fate in future existences”. Since no one I know, who has died, has ever come back to tell their tale, I prefer only taking this lifetime into view. From what I have seen, experienced and learnt, yes, what goes around often – may not always – comes  around. So, if this is karma, then it works. But if you ask me if we carry over credit and debit balances from previous births, and into future births, or states of existence, well, I have no first- hand experience. Nor do I know anyone who has one!

Then how does one explain “goodness” in Life being met with or “rewarded” with pain or tragedy? Or simply, why do “good” people have to go through Life’s trials and tribulations?

My answer to both these questions is that there’s nothing called “good” or “bad”. Who says anyone, or anything, is good or bad? It is a human point of view – this good or bad argument. It is society that sticks the label on an event or a person. Or it is a person who does it to himself or herself. If things go your way, you call the going good. If they don’t you say things are bad. But look at Life from Life’s from point view. There’s a design and the design is playing out. All the problem is arising only because we humans don’t have access to Life’s design – to the Master Plan. So, we analyze and theorize and come up with karma and such related arguments. None of this, in the larger scheme and design of your Life, or mine, really matters. Consider it objectively. Of what use is it knowing if you are paying for actions of a previous birth or existence? Or what use is it to be forewarned that you may pay for your actions in a future existence? Seriously, such awareness and information is purposeless. What matters is, are you present in the now, in this lifetime of yours, are you living in the moment, fully?

Mohammed Thahir with his parents
Picture Courtesy: The Hindu/Internet/M.Vedhan

Here’s an interesting case in point. This morning I saw a story in The Hindu of a 33-year-old man, Mohammed Thahir, who had given up his seat to an elderly couple in an unreserved compartment on a train two years ago; within minutes of his “good deed” he was pushed out of the overcrowded coach and the train ran over his legs. The doctors had to amputate both his legs. For the last two years, the man and his parents have been running from pillar to post to file an FIR and claim a compensation from the Indian Railways. To no avail. Leave alone the apathetic system we all have to fight from time to time, even if you ask a simple question – did a genuine good Samaritan gesture by Thahir deserve such a heartless treatment at Life’s hands? – there is, and can be, no rational, logical answer. The two events, in Life’s scheme of things, are unrelated: Thahir’s show of respect to an elderly couple; and Thahir being involved in a freak accident. If you leave the two instances unconnected, there will be no problem. But how can you suppress the human urge to analyze, to theorize, to bring in God, to bring in karma? Simply, isn’t it only because we connect the dots and try to over-analyze that we complicate our lives, right?. So, who’s to blame for all the confusion – us humans or Life?

I think whether there is karma or there isn’t karma, you must take Life as it comes. Let your response to what happens to you not depend on how you believe Life’s treating you. Do your bit. Face your bit. And just keep moving on.

Refuse To Get Stuck With Pain

Pain can have no voice if you can mute the suffering

Pain is a visitor. It will stay with you, serve a tenure and go away. If you focus on the pain, you won’t be able to enjoy the Life you have as long as the pain lingers on!

I had been postponing a series of dental procedures for a few years now. The reason has been simple: lack of money to fund them. As happens with most urgent and important matters, my dental situation started causing me discomfort over the last few weeks. After a round of opinions, and a full mouth X-Ray, my dentist, a very mature and reassuring lady, Dr.Aparna, advised that I get rid of two of my teeth. One of them at least required a surgical procedure. I am 48 now. And barring the ‘usual’ stuff like what most of us deal with – colds, virals, two severe bouts of rheumatoid arthritis and a now-benign asthmatic condition – I have never been in hospital with someone cutting me up. My diabetic condition too means that I must be be extremely wary of any invasive procedure. But we decided to go with Dr.Aparna’s advice. In preparing me for the procedure, she asked me: “Sir, how would you describe your ability to handle pain?” I thought for a moment and said, “My ability to handle physical pain is average, but I am very good at handling emotional pain.”

Indeed. While our bankruptcy has helped me become emotionally resilient and I must say I do deal with mental trauma very efficiently, I have, mercifully, not had much experience dealing with physical pain, especially on the health front. Yes, bouts of severe asthma and rheumatoid arthritis can be very painful – and debilitating. But I have not had any surgery done on me. So, this procedure was to be a different experience.

(The last time I had had a dental procedure done, at least from what I can remember, was when I was six years old. We used to live in Jaipur. And the name of the clinic was Mohan Dental Clinic. It was bang opposite Prakash Talkies. My dad bought me an ice-cream and took me to watch a movie playing at Prakash – it was called “Zanjeer”, a movie that not only marked the arrival of the Angry Young Man, and Superstar, Amitabh Bachchan in Indian cinema, it also marked the beginning of my fan journey, which still continues, with him! Interestingly, when I walked in for my extraction yesterday, I was reading a new book “Written by Salim-Javed: The story of Hindi Cinema’s Greatest Screenwriters” (Penguin, Diptakirti Chaudhuri). The book, among so many other stories, looks at the evolution of Amitabh Bachchan, considered to be Salim-Javed’s protégé.)

This procedure was indeed a new one for me. The local anesthesia administered made the process simpler – and in fact “cool” and “enjoyable”! Dr.Aparna had told me to expect pain within an hour of the anesthesia wearing off. And surely it arrived. Initially, it seemed unbearable. But I decided to employ all my spiritual experience – and learning – to deal with the pain. I was reminded of the Buddha’s most powerful – and my favorite – saying: “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” I made a choice: I was not going to suffer. I was not going to resist the pain or ask how long it would be there. I told myself: let it be; and let me be. I guess it worked. I slept peacefully last night. I still have a nagging swelling and very mild pain – I feel both only when I think of the procedure and the wound it has left behind!

I can now totally relate to what Ramakrishna Parahamsa (1836~1886) once said. He was diagnosed with throat cancer in the beginning of 1885. During his last days he was advised not to speak – so as not to aggravate his ailment. But he preferred meeting, interacting and conversing with his followers. He told his doctors, “My disease and I peacefully co-exist in my body”. This is such a spiritual and evolved perspective.

Most of us see all forms of pain as traumatic because we don’t know how to detach ourselves from our situations or conditions. We also think that pain arrives in our Life with an agenda to make us suffer. Here’s what I believe it is: Pain is pain. Pain has no agenda. Whether it is the bankruptcy – and resultant complexities we are having to deal with daily on that count – or a dental procedure that I had to deal with or any other situation/condition that may come tomorrow, I will suffer only if I wish the situation/condition didn’t exist. Suffering is clearly a human creation. Pain is a natural process. In Life, what goes up will come down, what is gained will be lost, the human body will have its share of wear and tear and you will be faced with myriad grievous situations – physical and emotional – yet, all this pain can’t touch you, won’t affect you, if you just treat your pain as a visitor and choose not to suffer. Simply, pain has no voice if you can mute the suffering!

Let your loss go and embrace your new reality

When you dwell too much on a loss, you suffer. Period.

Earlier this week, someone we know shared his story of loss during the Chennai floods with us. His car was drowned in the deluge and Ford has quoted Rs.2.62 Lakh for fixing it. His insurance claim will cover about 50 % of the cost, the balance however has to be paid by him. “Initially, I could not even reconcile to the fact that my car was sunk. I wept. I felt miserable for a few days. When I got the quote from Ford, I was shattered. Then I just shrugged it all away saying, ‘If the car has to be fixed, it has to be fixed.’ I felt better. When I looked beyond my loss, when I looked around me, I saw so many people whose livelihoods had been wiped out in those seven hours. I felt my loss was still manageable. I have accepted my loss for what it is. I don’t suffer on this count anymore,” he said to me over a cup of tea.

He’s a young man. This was his first car. His sentiments are perfectly understandable. I really admire his ability to have sorted out his perspectives over his loss within himself.

To be sure, that is the only way. You have to go through the phases of grief, grief-induced-suffering, grudging acceptance, acceptance and moving on over every loss. You suffer only when you refuse to accept a situation for what it is. The more you cling on to your grief, the more you will resist what has happened and what is happening to you. Grief, interestingly, is very comforting. It’s strangely a warm feeling to be wallowing in self-pity. People will come to you, hold your hand, support you, dote over you and perhaps even pamper you when you are in grief. But how long can people be with you? They have their lives to deal with. At some point, people will peel away. But because you have become used to your grief, you continue to be in that grief-zone – so you will go on suffering.

Suffering makes Life very difficult. Suffering is what you invite into your Life by refusing to accept the Life that you have been given. Your personal choices cause all your suffering. But like my young friend, if you can look up from your loss, you will realize the futility of clinging on to your grief. That’s when you will accept your new reality. The moment you accept a situation – any situation – you will stop suffering!

It is as simple as that.

Just as death is inevitable, so is loss. Whenever you are faced with a material loss or emotional loss (a break-up, poor chemistry with someone), you must reason that everything is impermanent. Including your own Life. Consider this: A car that’s lost can be replaced with a new one! But a moment lost – grieving and suffering – will never come back. Already, your Life is shorter by the time you have taken to read this post. So, stop your suffering! Let your loss go! Embrace your new reality for this is the only one you have right now!

Go with the flow of Life – resisting it is pointless!

The most evident truth about Life is that it simply goes on! And you and I are like the ‘musafir’ (voyager) in the opening song of Parichay (1972, Gulzar)…we have to just keep walking…‘bas chalte jaana’…!

This is the big message I picked up watching Masaan (2015, Neeraj Ghaywan) the other day. It is the most thought-provoking, poignant film I have seen in a long, long time. It deals with a young lady coming to terms with the death of her boyfriend when the police raids their room in which they are making love. A parallel story deals with a young boy, from a lower caste (his family burns corpses at the riverside crematorium), aspiring to woo, court and marry an upper caste girl. The girl is willing but soon dies in a bus tragedy along with her entire family. The boy struggles initially to reconcile with his loss – he ends up having to cremate her body! But eventually he manages to move on. Both story arcs converge as the film ends, with the young lady meeting the young boy on a boat and together they ride onward…

Set in Benares, Masaan has been winning acclaim on the international film festival circuit. And has earned praise from critics and viewers alike.

Vicky Kaushal as Deepak in 'Masaan'
Picture Courtesy: Internet

To me, however, Masaan portrays the ever-flowing nature of Life. The young lady has to handle her guilt, her grief, over a choice she and her boyfriend made. Her father has to live with the ignominy of her choice. Together they have to face a corrupt cop and raise a ransom amount for the charges against the lady to be dropped. She tries to seek closure by going over to apologize to her boyfriend’s family, but they don’t want her apology; they ask her to get out! In the parallel story, the young boy has his father’s support to quit the corpse-burner tradition and profession. He has his girlfriend’s assurance that she is willing to even run away – should the families disapprove – with him provided he gets himself a job. He’s almost certain of getting that job when she dies. He has to deal with his demons. His depression almost ruins his career prospects and he’s on the verge of being a corpse-burner all his Life. But he realizes that unless he moves on, he will only be trapped ‘where he is’ and remain depressed. A state that will serve no purpose, he reasons. So, with great difficulty, he picks up the threads of his Life and lands himself a job. As both the young lady and the boy move on, they meet each other…

Indeed, there are no pauses in Life. It simply goes on. As long as you are alive, you have to keep walking, you have to keep going with the flow. You may not like whatever is happening to you. But you have to face it, you have to live through it. When you hate whatever is, you will suffer. Here’s the nub: you can’t prevent Life from happening to you. But you have the choice not to resist Life. And nothing, nothing really, is the end of the road, until you are alive, until you die. Period.

I talk from experience. On December 31^st 2007, when I sat with Vaani in our bedroom and surveyed our Life, it seemed impossible to go on. We had just Rs.2000/- left with us in Life. And we had over a million dollars in debt. And no work. Yet, almost 8 years on, we have survived and lasted to tell our story. We still don’t have enough work – not even enough to cover our living expenses – and our debt remains unpaid. But we move on…living each day, working hard, facing our realities – court cases, police complaints, cashlessness at some times and very frustrating material scarcity at others – and believing that all this too shall pass.

There is no other way to live Life. It is what it is. You have to accept what is, keep working on what you want it to be and, in the process, exercise your choice to simply be, well, happy with whatever is. It is when you don’t live Life with this clarity and understanding that Life is miserable. Go on, go with the flow of Life. After all, there’s isn’t any point in refusing to flow it! 

“When you value each breath, you will learn to be happy.”

‘The Happiness Road’ is a weekly Series on this Blog that appears on Sundays where I share my conversations with people while exploring their idea of happiness!

It will be easy to introduce Maneesha Ramakrishnan as “the lady who has seen death at close quarters.” But I prefer referring to her as the one who knows “the true meaning of Life and happiness”!

On 23^rd February 2010, Maneesha was trapped on the 7^th floor of Carlton Towers in Bangalore when the building caught fire. She survived the over-one-hour entrapment, but she had to go through nine surgeries over the next few years to be able to live on and tell her story. She has lost most of her voice, she breathes through a tracheotomy tube implanted in her larynx, and she has no sense of smell.

Before the Carlton Towers fire episode, her Life has not been exactly smooth either. She has had to deal with two relationships – that culminated in marriages which did not last; she has raised her two children, Akarsh and Dhruv, as a single parent. She has had to ‘stumble and struggle’ through various career options to ‘earn a living’. And then the Carlton Towers fire left her physically, financially and emotionally devastated when she was just 40!

Anyone in her position would have lost the will to live. But Maneesha has not just survived and soldiered on, she has learnt to be happy despite her circumstances!

Vaani and I know Maneesha through a common friend. We had invited her to receive a copy of my Book ‘Fall Like A Rose Petal’ when we launched it in Bangalore in August 2014. What she said back then, while receiving my Book, has stayed with us: “Value each breath. It is precious. I know what it means to be unable to breathe. When you value each breath, you will learn to appreciate the gift of this lifetime, and to be happy.”

On The Happiness Road Series this Sunday, I invited Maneesha to share her awakening, inspiring, perspectives on living and happiness! I have retained the Q & A format in which this conversation happened, because I find Maneesha’s thoughts simple and easy-to-hold and, above all, I feel adding on my views to them will mean diluting, or perhaps even adulterating, the essence of what she is saying! The green highlights in each of her answers are intentional – they are the key takeaways or learnings we can borrow from Maneesha’s beautiful, shaken-but-not-stirred Life!

Pictures Courtesy: Maneesha's Personal Album

What does happiness mean to you?

The act of giving myself away before I need to or I am asked to. It is, well, a responsibility!

Has your idea of happiness evolved over the years?

Indeed it has.

As a child, I used to care for my two brothers – we three were born in consecutive years. My first idea of happiness was caring for them, caring for my cousins and making other people happy. My parents were caught up in their own struggles; their focus was not on us children. So, I found great warmth and joy in visiting my grandparents in Kerala for summer vacations. I used to be deliriously happy visiting them.

So, that was my early idea of happiness.

The Carlton Tower fire changed my idea of happiness, and of Life, forever. When I reflect back on how I was trapped in there on that fateful day, I realized that I was exposed to the “deepest form of human suffering – fighting for just a breath of fresh air”! I now know the value of each breath that I am breathing, that each of us is breathing. Ever since, I have been creating a lifetime in moments. And I am addicted to it. This addiction to live fully, moment by moment, to me now is happiness.

You have been through a couple of relationships - were you searching for something through them/in them?

Because I didn’t think my parents focused on me, I grew up becoming a rebel. I desperately wanted to get out of home and so, as soon as I was 18, I married my neighbor, who I was deeply in love with. But, to my horror, I realized that he was alcoholic and had no job. My husband’s mother was very kind to me, she loved me dearly with all her soul, she protected me and treasured me. But she sadly passed on soon after my first son was born. I tried to break away from the marriage but it ended up being messy – my father made things worse by launching a legal battle against my husband. In an effort to resolve the mess, I went back to my husband to try and make a new beginning. But after my second son was born, and when I did not see any point or hope in the relationship, I separated from him.

I carried on with my Life, raising my two boys, supporting them with money that I was earning from tuitions that I was offering to children in our neighborhood. This is when I met a counsellor, whose views on Life and happiness attracted me to him. He loved me deeply. More important, he taught me the value of loving myself. He made me feel special. I moved in with him. Over time, we married. It was a Christian wedding and I dressed in my dream dress. But he was 20 years older to me, and soon, he felt he needed to let me go. But as we separated, he told me, “Thank you for the best years of my Life that you have given me.”

Both these relationships taught me something very important. That Life just keeps on happening to us. We make some decisions based on how we feel about something, about someone, at a given time. When that circumstance, or person, or both change, we must be open to change too. Clinging on to a situation that you don’t want makes you unhappy. Letting go sets you free and allows you to invite happiness in your Life!

How did the Carlton Towers fire change your Life?

I think about the Carlton Towers fire every day.

But not the way I did on 23^rd February 2010, the day when the fire happened. She (yes it’s a “she”:)!) crosses my mind like a spring cardinal that flies past the edge of my eye: startling, luminous, lovely and she’s gone! The event of the fire and the tragedy is something that I’ve come to look at as a significant segment of the journey that I’ve been on in this lifetime. I have learnt from her over a long period of time. It is not about getting over it or healing. No. It’s about learning to live with this transformation. For the experience is transformative, in good ways and bad, a tangle of change that cannot be threaded into the usual narrative spools.

2011: I felt it exhilarating and liberating that I was free from the bondage of Life support systems. Even as I grappled with a loss of vitality, and impairment in physical functionality, I was happier being the way I was. My wind pipe and vocal cords have got constricted because of the amount of smoke I inhaled on that tragic day. Despite repeated surgeries they have refused to get back to normal. So I breathe with the help of a tracheotomy tube inserted in my larynx. When I must speak, I block the tube’s opening and that makes me audible – it restores normal functioning of the vocal cords because we do pause our breathing when we speak.

2012 & 2013: I resolved that I was going to work on myself. I began by moving away from self-pity.  I stopped obsessing over the repeated trials and tribulations in my Life culminating in some way with this gruesome fire and tragedy. I began to nurture my children. This helped me repair and resurrect myself. I started to participate in the movement to bring justice and closure to those nine families whose loved ones did not survive the fire. This gave me a sense of purpose. It was not easy. But it kept me moving in a direction that I was very happy with. I stopped viewing myself as a helpless, hapless victim. I decided to call myself “The Queen of the Carlton Fire”. That change in perspective, in personal perception, opened me to the opportunity that all of us has in embracing abundance thinking. Happiness is really celebrating what you have, celebrating who you are!

2014: I relaunched my career as a “Chef on Hire”. It gave me a physical, practical, financial and blissful anchor. But Bangalore weather can play truant with someone who now as a permanent breathing impairment. After struggling with a couple of winters, I realized I have to stop looking at external reference points and circumstances to change for me to be happy, for me to be at peace. I simply went within and have found complete bliss.

2015: Finally, I am alive again. :) Each day, each moment, I allow myself to just be! I feel all the more entitled to be living Life fully now.

Yes it’s taken five long years to get here! But I am happy I am here!

How has it been raising two boys - for most times as a single parent?

Maneesha with her soulmates Akarsh & Dhruv

Akarsh and Dhruv are my soulmates. They have grown up into young adults despite their entire childhood, their teenage years and young adulthood being ridden with chaos, uncertainty and stress. They have given me reason to love, live, laugh and they have loved me so unconditionally. They have taught me the value of compassion – they doted on me through my several stints in hospital; with Dhruv even refusing to leave my bedside. Ours is a great friendship – I have always been open, sharing with my boys and I am always willing to learn from them. I am so grateful to God that this area of my Life, as a parent, a single parent, has been so blissful, so blessed, so beautiful.

How do you cope with your practical lows - when there isn't enough money for a medical procedure or when you want to do something for your boys? 

We are so blessed. Yes, we have been pushed to edge several times but the Universe has never let us down! It is a very compassionate Universe. People who hardly know us have kept supporting us financially. Whenever I can I have provided what my two boys need. But when I have been unable to, I have always told them openly why I have been unable to give them what they want. This honesty has helped immensely. I have also never allowed the feeling of financial constraint to get to me. If I have not had money to give my maid or a helper at home, I have cooked them a meal. Such acts of serving, has always made me happy; and for them…I guess…they have felt loved and cared for. So, yes, there are practical everyday lows, but you overcome them with love!

How do you manage to walk the tightrope between living happily in the moment and earning a living?

Life is a tightrope walk. But you must not see only the tightrope. You must see how blessed you are to be on it, with all the love and compassion that holds you up there. I remind myself daily that I am “God’s favorite” – that I will never be let down, I will always be looked after. I have accepted the tightrope as an integral part of my Life. When you accept your Life for how it is in the present moment, you can be nothing but happy!

What is the message you would like to give to the world? To the millions out there who don't know they are blessed and instead are taking their blessings for granted and are leading unhappy, miserable lives?

See your Life as a fantastic growth school! Everything that you experience, both good and challenging, has come to you to teach you the lesson that you need to learn for you to evolve as a person. Understand this truth. Keep asking yourself, 'What opportunity does this person or situation represent in terms of your personal growth?’ This is a great source of inner peace. The best way to live Life is to live the authentic Life. Never betray yourself.

Have you ever thought of where you want to go in Life from here?

I want to share with the world this blessing I have, that of a capacity to temporarily put away all the

circumstances that surround me, that hold me hostage in a physical sense, to go within and find inner peace and true happiness. Post the Carlton fire, in 2012, when I was going through intense physical trauma, an epiphany occurred to me. I chose to let my pain be where it was and chose instead to look at the pain and suffering of another. I saw the families of those who were lost in the fire. I saw their grief. I gave them all my love. That was a huge healing process for me. I want people to learn from my experience. I want to share this awareness, this method too, with the whole world.

I visualize myself driving around in a food truck, with lots of balloons, giving away food and home remedies to people who need them the most. Not just to humans but to animals and birds. I believe that in living in the beauty of each moment, fully, with love and compassion, we can be eternally happy!

Living with and loving what is, is happiness

Don’t try to control your Life. You can’t. Instead, simply go with the flow!

Someone we know is going through a tough phase in Life. None of what he’s doing or is trying to do is yielding him the results that he is looking for. In fact, for most part, his efforts are not fetching him any results. He’s trying harder each day, fighting frustration and depression, but he’s just not getting what he wants. He asked me what he should be doing.

I said: “Simply, go with the flow!”

But what do you do when you don’t like the direction of the flow? The truth is, you don’t have a choice. Well, when you are unable to proceed in the direction you want to move in, you can either resist Life and suffer. Or you can simply accept – and want – what you get. Wanting what you get is the key to happiness. Truly.

Here’s what I have learnt from Life. Don’t control, don’t resist, don’t grieve when it doesn’t go as per your wishes, your plans. Stay anticipating and welcoming the possibility of an exciting adventure and you will never be unhappy. On the other hand, you will be able to feel and be the bliss in each moment. What is a sudden health diagnosis: a cancer or any other debilitating disease? It is an adventure. What is a job loss? An adventure. What is a broken relationship? It’s an adventure. You call something an adventure when it is an experience that you have not been through before. Almost all the time since you__and I__were born we have been encountering Life at its own terms. One surprise after another. But we see it in a linear fashion. We see our Life go through only these stages: birth to starting school, starting school to finishing school (pre-school to high-school), starting a course to qualifying for that degree, starting a job to starting a family, finishing actively caring for children to retiring from your job, starting retirement to reaching death. So, while are essentially flowing with Life, we think we are in control. Surely, a lot of these stages apply to almost anyone who is capable of reading this post now. But if we look deeper, peeling off layer after layer in each stage, we will notice that there have been so many unforeseen events at each stage of our lives, events that we have been able to overcome them and get to today. So, why this anxiety about Life’s next surprise or adventure? Why the fear of an ‘unknown’ future? Why do you want to control Life and steer it away from adventure to predictability?

Going with the flow does not mean giving up. It only means that you must not think anything’s wrong with you just because your efforts are not fetching any results. When you think you are the problem, you will feel frustrated and depressed. Instead look at the problem – and address it. Do whatever you can and you must in a given situation. If you don’t get the results you wanted, try again. And again. And while you keep trying, go with the flow of Life too. Going with the flow means living with what is. Living with and loving what is, is happiness!

To be at peace, make peace with your pain

To be sure, no one, simply no one, is spared of pain in this lifetime. Everyone who is born on the planet has to deal with their share until, as most scriptures say, death “frees” them. This is the truth and this reality is inescapable. It is when we label this share of pain as unfair, unjust and unkind, and therefore resist it, that we suffer.

Simply, tell your pain off: “Hello, you have come uninvited and I know I can’t do anything about it. So you be where you are, do what you want to do. I am choosing to be unmoved and I am choosing to just be. Now watch your relationship with pain change.” It will potter around with your Life but not at the cost of your missing the opportunity to live!   

In most Indian homes, despite the best pest control methods available today, it is rare that you will not find lizards. Now, there are many people who grieve at the sight of a lizard. They are petrified of them and imagine horrible consequences of co-existing with them. They cringe and suffer all the time. But there are several million others, across the subcontinent, that just let the lizards be and they be themselves. Yes, everyone wishes that the lizards don’t present themselves in front of them, but when they know they can’t do pretty much anymore, they make their peace and move on. Pain is like the lizard in an Indian home. It just likes to hang round. And it doesn’t have a vicious agenda to terrorize you and make you feel miserable. You suffer only because you hate its presence!

The best way to deal with pain is to make your peace with it. Then, Life becomes worth living.

“I see pain as the source of my happiness; it is a sign that I am alive!”

‘The Happiness Road’ is a weekly Series on this Blog that appears on Sundays where I share my conversations with people while exploring their idea of happiness!

This Sunday, I am pleased to introduce to you Malathi Holla – international para athlete, Life enthusiast and perhaps the most resilient person on the planet!

When Vaani and I finish meeting with Malathi Holla, the following lines from Balu Mahendra’s Sadma (1983, sung by Suresh Wadkar; picturized on Kamal Hassan and Sri Devi – listen to original song here) hum in my head:

Aye Zindagi Gale Laga Le…

Aye Zindagi Gale Laga Le…

Humne Bhi, Tere Har Ek Gham Ko, Gale Se Lagaya Hai, Hai Na?

Translated, these lines mean:

Hey Life, embrace me!

Haven’t I embraced all the pain that you have sent my way?

At 57, Malathi Holla epitomizes the spirit of Gulzar’s unputdownable lyrics and her Life itself, despite all the upheavals she has seen, is beautiful, harmonious and soulful – quite like the maestro Ilayaraja’s music for this song is, making his Bollywood debut memorable!  

Malathi was afflicted with polio when she was 14 months old. Additionally, she has a condition called contracture –where the nerves in her body get bunched up in a ball and have to be unknotted surgically. The effect of contracture, especially in the pelvic region, is very painful – the whole body curves up, like an arch, with the legs getting bent backward and the back moving forward. She has had 33 surgeries in all so far but she hardly displays any angst or bitterness. On the other hand, she oozes positivity and radiates happiness. This, despite the fact that she has had a forgettable childhood – her own mother, not knowing how to cope with the rigor of raising a special child, treated Malathi like an outsider. But Malathi ploughed on, burying her grief and choosing to be without resentment or malice. She trained, on her own steam, to become a champion athlete representing India in various international sporting events including the Paralympics – in 100 metres and 200 metres wheelchair racing and in discus, shot put and javelin throws – and winning 421 medals in all; 389 golds, 27 silvers and 5 bronzes! She was a senior manager with Syndicate Bank until recently and currently runs the Mathru Foundation, an NGO, that supports 13 children with special needs to get basic education and take up mainstream careers. In 2009 a biography of Malathi – A Different Spirit, written by Dr.Anantha Krishnan – was released.

I ask Malathi how is she able to stay anchored, positive and so outrageously happy – despite all that she is still going through?

“I simply enjoy the pain, AVIS. This is my idea of happiness.” – that’s Malathi’s short answer. But I press on. And she gives me this long answer: “I can’t walk. I have been confined to a wheelchair. I have a perpetual physically painful condition. I have not experienced parental love. Now what can I do about all these things – there is physical pain and there is emotional pain? Can I get rid of the pain by going on grieving about it? So I simply accept my Life for what it is. Pain is painful when you see it as pain. I keep reminding myself that I can at least feel the pain. There are so many people out there, who are in conditions that are far worse than mine. They can’t even feel the pain. That’s why I count my blessings and enjoy my pain. I see my pain as the source of my happiness; it is a sign that I am alive. So I am happy!”

But isn’t she tired of pushing her way through Life? She has had to fight for everything – apart from competing in sports, she has had to fight the Indian government’s myopic view that sportspeople with special needs don’t need to get mainstream recognition. It took her 18 years, but she eventually convinced the government and was awarded the Arjuna award in 1996. She was also awarded the Padma Sri in 2001. So, at her age, isn’t she wondering how she will cope with the future? Malathi is nonplussed: “I am not one who ever thinks of the future. I want to live in the moment. And I live in the moment.”

She tells us that anyone can be resilient. It is not a capability that only a chosen few can acquire. It is in you. You are resilient the moment you choose not be a slave of the circumstances. If you can be unmoved by what is happening to you, you can be strong in any situation. “Every problem has a solution. There are no problems without solutions. There is a way – you must look for it, that’s all. And in situations when I can’t find a solution, I simply accept whatever is the situation, condition or problem. This way I am perennially peaceful with myself and my world,” she explains.

She then makes a phenomenal point: “You must ensure that you don’t mix up your situation with your idea of who you are. I am not my physical condition. I have a post polio residual paralysis condition, that’s it. When you see your Life this way, you will realize that we are all legends. Each of us has the right and the opportunity to be a legend – provided we are willing to walk on the path of acceptance, letting go and keeping faith in the larger cosmic design. I know this – I am the legend of happiness.”

Malathi Holla
Photo by Vaani Anand

Vaani and I met Malathi at the Taj Vivanta coffee shop in Bangalore – we chose that venue because it was wheelchair friendly. When we finished, we were keen to know how we could help Malathi get back home. That’s when we saw a live expression of her ‘different spirit’. Her eyes lit up even as she politely turned down our offer to drop her back: “Come with me. Let me show you how I get around this city.” She wheeled herself down the ramp in the hotel’s porch. And proceeded to her car – a specially designed Maruti Zen. She opened the car’s door and before we knew it, she had hoisted herself on to the driver’s seat and worn the seat belt. She flicked open the boot and request the hotel staff to put her wheelchair back in there. She beamed her million-watt smile at us, gestured a ‘thumbs up’ and, before driving away, said, “Send me the pictures on WhatsApp! What a beautiful technology isn’t it? What a beautiful world we live in, what a beautiful Life this is. We are all blessed, aren’t we?”

As I finish writing this piece, that number from Sadma is still humming in my head. Malathi’s is indeed a different spirit – a spirit that we must all invite into our lives; to guide us too, to being happy despite our circumstances!