Happiness is accepting what is available to you

You need to be happy, and not secure, to live fully

Between being happy and being secure, choose being happy. Because security is fake and guarantees nothing except consoling you that you are safe, despite the fact that you are not.

You are as safe as you are in this moment. You will never be able to tell, ever, what will happen to you, of you, in the next moment. You, like many, will be rushing this morning to work at a job that you loathe, yet you cling on to it because of a fake sense of security your pay check guarantees you. You think you are secure if you have money, if you have a social standing, if you have a well-heeled job and if you have a house to call your own. Security comes from comforting yourself with how much you have. Happiness comes from being content with whatever you have.

The problem with seeking too much security is that what you try to possess will eventually end up possessing you. If you have a million dollars in the bank and have lost your job, invariably every thought of yours will concern your depleting the bank balance with every delay that your job search encounters. Clearly, the bank balance is possessing you now. On the other hand, if you want to be happy, all you need to do is to consider yourself lucky that you have a bank balance to live off in the time that you search for a job.

On a spiritual plane, it is also really foolish on our part that we should feel insecure. Because from the time you were born, you have lived each moment without knowing what will happen in the next. Which means you are an expert at dealing with the unknown, with insecurity. Yet, you fear it all the time? Life is a bungee jump into the unknown in each new moment. And all of us have been doing it effectively, efficiently all these years of our lives. So, a sense of security is a wasted sentiment. You don’t need it to live. You can live with insecurity, as you always have. Happiness however is crucial to live Life fully! If you have felt an emptiness, an incompleteness in you, it is not because you are insecure, but because you are not happy!

Happiness is an opportunity that each moment is pregnant with. To be happy, you have to make a choice of letting go of the need to be secure. You will then be soaked in happiness!  

You are unhappy only when you compromise with your happiness!

Don’t attach meanings to events, people, or technology. Just be yourself – with whoever, with whatever is. If you can’t be yourself, simply move away from whatever or whoever makes you uncomfortable!

I saw a story doing the rounds that quoted a recent study conducted in Copenhagen which found that people who got off Facebook were a lot happier than those who were addicted to being on it. I humbly disagree.

Nothing external can make you happy or unhappy. Ultimately you alone are responsible for your happiness. Period.

Technology is a mere enabler. What Facebook has managed to do is that it has brought people closer. It offers us an opportunity to share our lives, experiences and learnings with people we know who are living elsewhere in this world. What can Facebook do if you choose that platform to get into ideological debates with people that you know or start talking to people who don’t know you, who you don’t know, and who make you unhappy? A friend on Facebook is no more or less than someone who is your neighbor or colleague. Either you trust that friend and relate to the person or you don’t. If you do relate, you will enjoy hanging out with that person. If you don’t you won’t. It is simple – as simple as that.

We have a simple thumb rule. We don’t add anyone on Facebook who we think we can’t invite into our home. It doesn’t mean everyone who sends us a friend request will either be invited in/accepted at once or will never be accepted. We prefer getting to know newer friends better before adding them. This way we keep our Facebook walls clutter and litter-free.

I must make a confession here – I simply love Facebook. It gives me a continuous opportunity to share and learn from the people I like to hang out. I like to learn and unlearn from the stories and experiences of my friends – who I have let into my Life. So, here lies the nub: only I am responsible for how I am feeling on Facebook.   

To be sure, this is not about Facebook alone. In all contexts in Life, your happiness is directly linked to the choices you make. And let me hasten to add, there are really no right or wrong ways to make choices. You just choose. Some experiences work for you and make you happy. Others don’t. As long as you lean in the direction of what makes you happy, you can never go wrong. It is only when you make compromises with your happiness that you become unhappy. 

Peel off and junk this label called “failure” – to hell with it!

You fail at something only when you can’t – or refuse to – face the reality. Not when you try, fall and don’t achieve the outcome you planned for.

I read an interesting interview with American researcher, story teller and author, Brene Brown, in a recent issue of TIME. Her most recent book Rising Strong has just been released and deals with the subject of failure. Brown tells Belinda Luscombe of TIME, “We are handling failure with a lot of lip service. When failure doesn’t hurt, it’s not failure. He or she who is most capable of being uncomfortable rises the fastest…Shame needs three things to grow: secrecy, silence and judgment.”

I can relate to every word of what Brown is saying. I come from the view that nobody fails at anything just because the outcomes are not what society expects or what you want. Failure and success are but social labels. They come from judgment. Now, why judge anyone for any reason in the first place? So, when Brown says that one’s capacity to deal with being uncomfortable contributes to rising strong, she’s right! What does being uncomfortable mean? It means you don’t like what you are seeing. It means you are honest to yourself and are seeing the reality as it is. You are not in denial. When you accept a situation, you can handle it much, much better than when you don’t accept it. It’s as simple as that.

A friend of ours is separating from her husband. Now two people, mature adults, are concluding that they can’t be together anymore. Where is the need for failure as a label to come in here? But it does. The families of both people are labeling the marriage as a failure. And they don’t like our friend talking openly about it. They are trying to cover-up the separation as something that is bad, as if something grave has happened. But our friend is very clear. She says, “Listen, it is not working out. I didn’t sign up for this to be unhappy. I am very unhappy in his presence. I am moving on.” This ability to face the reality, to accept an uncomfortable truth that it’s all over (in the context of our friend’s marriage) – this is what determines how strongly you rise from a setback. Earlier this week, actors Konkona Sen Sharma and Ranvir Shorey too handled their separation – or their ‘failed’ marriage per a social definition – admirably. Here’s what Konkona tweeted: “Ranvir and I have mutually decided to separate, but continue to be friends and co-parent our son. Will appreciate your support. Thank you!”

We must all realize that things just happen in Life. We don’t always get what we want. To feel shameful of a situation is never going to help change it. Shame breeds guilt over what you may have done. Covering up an outcome that you don’t like to accept doesn’t help either. It is only going to accentuate your stress. And please don’t judge yourself. We all try. And we often don’t get what we set out to achieve. The logical next step is to try again – and try differently. It is not to sit and brood over what has happened.

I would go a step further than Brown and say there is nothing called failure. Or success. Both are subjective and are defined by a society that judges people far too quickly without ever having been in their shoes. I think you fail at something only when you refuse to face it. When you face a situation, when you see and accept reality, your desire to change that reality spurs you into action. Only through action can there be change, progress – and inner peace!

Stop being anything else but happy – you are happiness!

Happiness cannot be pursued. It is who you are.

A common and grave misconception occurs when we mix up the definitions of happiness and success. Success is getting what you want __ a college degree, a car, a new apartment, an overseas job, a billion dollar fortune, whatever! But you may not always get what you want in Life. Happiness, therefore, is wanting what you get! Despite all your hard work, you may not graduate. You may not get the car of your choice. Or get an apartment in the neighborhood that your preferred. Or someone else may get the lucrative job that you wanted! Or a quirk of circumstance may deny you the fortune. The ability to be happy despite not getting what you want and despite your circumstance is true happiness. And that ability is resident in each of us: in you, in me, in everyone!

Nisha Kapashi: in 2011 (left) and now (right)
Photo Courtesy: ScoopWhoop/Internet

I read a story on ScoopWhoop this morning that interested me. It was the story of Jain nun Nisha Kapashi. She is of Indian origin but was born in the US. She grew up with all the luxury in the world – among Gucci clothes and Fendi handbags; she lived in a lavishly furnished single bedroom apartments on Sixth and 34^th, near Macys, in New York. But while she was living a “fashionable and successful Life”, she was feeling an “emptiness” that made her very, very unhappy. She dug deeper into the Jain way of Life and found great value in the teachings of Mahavira. She quit her job with J Crew, moved to India and signed up to be a nun. She told ScoopWhoop’s Samarpita Das: “We sleep for six hours a night, meditate for 90 minutes a day, and we study Jain philosophy for 15 hours a day. We live a nomadic existence in India. I have no possessions. I have nothing, but I’ve never been so happy. I have no money, not even a bank account. I have committed to a Life of celibacy and simplicity for the rest of my Life. This is my Life now — and it’s the ultimate happiness.”

I am not exactly one who believes that we must practice celibacy and abstinence to experience happiness. But what Nisha’s story does reiterate is that each of us has this awesome opportunity to be happy! By simply being who we are comfortable being!

If everyone followed Nisha’s example of setting out to be who they love being, the world will be full of happy people – instantaneously! In fact, all of us are intrinsically happy folks. We become unhappy only when we allow our circumstances to suppress our happiness! Let’s say you are walking on the pavement on a rainy day, whistling ‘Raindrops are falling on my head….’, and an insensitive motorist splashes a dirty puddle of water on your work clothes. You stop whistling. And now you are angry. Does being angry mean that you have ceased to have the ability to be happy? Not at all. Your attention has shifted from whistling the memorable tune to hurling abuses at and showing a finger to that motorist. The moment you bring your attention to being happy – despite the soiled clothes, you can still whistle the tune and keep walking, can’t you? – you will find your anger disappearing.

We feel miserable when we are unhappy only because being angry or being anything negative is not normal, it is not human nature. Think about it. Don’t you always feel miserable when you have been sad or jealous or angry or guilty? But have you ever, ever, felt miserable when feeling happy? I rest my case. So, you don’t have to work hard at being happy. You are happiness. Just stop being anything else and please go back to being happy!

Denying the problem does not make it go away

Refusing to look at a problem, or denying its existence, cannot make your Life any simpler.

All what you suffer from comes from what you deny. Facing Life and taking a problem head on is what can make you solve it and live in peace.

But we invariably don’t like to exorcise our demons. We somehow have become comfortable suffering, feeling tormented, preferring to stay debilitated than feeling liberated. Because continuing to be miserable seems far easier than having to work hard to rid ourselves of what makes us miserable!

I met someone recently after a couple of years. He, in his own opinion, was financially ‘very well off’. Yet he found his Life ‘incomplete’. He spent entire days, daily, in a prominent five-star hotel’s bar, literally being there from the time it opened to when it closed! He lamented to me that his wife no longer loved him and all she wanted was ‘his credit card and a certain sum of cash monthly for her shopping sprees’. His 24-year-old son, though married, was not exactly doing anything significant and ‘lived off’ his dad. His daughter was the only one who understood him but their relationship too in recent years had come under stress. She wanted to go overseas for higher studies but he was insistent that she marry now because that was the norm in his ‘community’. He said to me, in a tone reflective of a defeated man, “I have lost it in Life. I have done no wrong. Yet everyone around me has let me down. I am suffering. I wish I could die.”

I laughed at him and looked him in the eye. I told him: “My friend, you are the problem. For, as far as I know you, you have been drinking entire days for years now. You have a drinking problem – spurred by a lack of Purpose in your Life. You have enough and more money. So, because you don’t know how to be useful and productive, you are indulging in something that has already ruined your family Life and is on the verge of consuming you.”

My friend suddenly turned hostile. He ended our meeting and drove away drunk in his car, despite my request and protests to engage a taxi leaving his car behind.

I wish he understood that unless he faced the brutal reality of his Life, he may really be unable to make it any better.

Just as my friend has a problem, each of us has a problem too. All of us like to deny whatever is our problem__ranging from a relationship to a lousy job to a ruinous habit__hoping that time will take care of it! This is one area where no one can help you than you, yourself! 

But facing the truth is scary. How does one see the reality?

Good question. And so, it is with all situations, with all of humanity, with all aspects of Life! Fundamentally, if you know what you want out of your Life, you can go find that Life and recreate, reinvent yourself. But if you don’t know what you want, how can anyone help you? This question is not as profound as many people make it out to be. It is a dumb question. Even a person with low IQ can answer it __ by approaching Life the other way, by knowing, for starters, what you don’t want in your Life! Because the truth is that nobody wants to suffer. Since you don’t want to suffer or be miserable why do anything, or accept any situation that accentuates your suffering?

Remember: There are no two ways in which you can change your current realities or end your suffering! So, if you are feeling miserable about anything__or anyone__in Life, sit down and introspect. Diligently make a list of actions that you must take to end your misery. Resolve to do it. And just get down to doing it. Don’t give yourself the license to make excuses. My good friend Andy Law, maverick creative thinker and head of The Law Firm, says, “Unless you are prepared to give up something valuable you will never be able to truly change at all, because you’ll be forever in the control of things you can’t give up.” What he is reiterating is this: the only way to solve a problem is to first accept that it exists. 

From a weak-end Life to a perpetual weekend mode!

There isn't a situation called Monday Morning Blues or a disease called Monday Paralysis! It's all in our mind.

I saw a post on facebook, ostensibly a clipping from a newspaper, that “warned” people that today, January 19, 2015, was likely to be the year’s most “unhappy” day! Reason: people are likely to be faced with several downers from debt to low motivation levels. I humbly disagree. I don’t think any day can be unhappy as long as we learn to accept whatever is in our Life. Simple. When we accept what is, and learn to live with the Life that we have, we will be the happiness we seek! In fact, if we choose to work on what we love and love what we work on, we will be in a perpetual weekend mode. Of course, there is a need for all of us to do some clerical, administrative stuff__like paying bills, filing, running errands at home__some time each week. If we can assign two days of the week to do those things, and we work only on what we love at all other times, we can pretty much enjoy a 5-day weekend and have a 2-day week (when we do the boring, monotonous stuff).

But, how would I be able to do stuff that I love doing without letting it affect my income stream, you may argue? You are right. When you make a switch from doing what you don't exactly love__but you keep doing it to stay afloat, earn-a-living and survive__to what you love, there may well be a loss of income. But that will be only temporary. Once you operate from your inner core of joy, your earning potential, as much as your spiritual quotient, will multiply!

And instead of leading a weak-end Life, you will live in a perpetual weekend mode__enjoying the scenery, Working, Loving and Living!

With acceptance there can only be inner peace and happiness

No one can make you unhappy or disturb your inner peace unless you allow them to!    

We often end up blaming others for the way we feel about the situations we are in. For instance, you order a coffee at a café and it arrives lukewarm. You tell the waiter to replace the coffee. He refuses. And you get angry. Till you arrived at the café and ordered that coffee you were in fine spirits. But that experience leaves you fuming. A friend who sees you stomping out of the café seeks to know the reason for your lousy mood. And you blame the café and the waiter. Now, while they may have served you bad coffee, the truth is you served yourself the lousy mood. Think about it – did the coffee or the waiter cause your unhappiness and anger or was it your expectation that the coffee be hot and the waiter be polite that caused you to lose your cool? The coffee arrived the way it did. The waiter behaved the way he did. You had an expectation that was different from reality. And so you were upset. In all situations in Life, if you choose to remain unruffled, no one can make you upset or angry, and no one can make you unhappy.

Happiness is always accepting, and loving, what is. In the example above, happiness meant accepting the coffee the way it came and accepting the waiter for the idiot that he is. This does not mean that you should not object to the poor service. Of course you can and you must. But don’t lose your equilibrium, your sense of happiness and inner peace, over someone else’s behavior. In fact, on a daily basis you can use the hundreds of provocations that Life throws at you, to train yourself to accept what is, the way it is and to be peaceful and happy. Someone cutting across the road as you drive, an irksome fellow passenger on a plane, a nasty auto-rickshaw or taxi driver, a shopper who elbows past you at the check-out late in a store, your rebellious teenager at home – each of these interactions offers you an opportunity to learn to be happy despite the circumstance, despite the provocation. Currently, you are succumbing to the provocation. You are responding with anger because you are questioning why someone is behaving the way he or she is. But if you let them be and if you agree that you are not going to lose your balance, your cool, you will find that you can be both peaceful and happy – all the time!

Responding to Life peacefully is a lot more sensible than reacting to Life. Reacting comes with impulse. Responding requires reflection. When you reflect over every event in your Life, even if it’s just for a moment, and then respond, you are giving yourself the chance to first accept your reality and then frame your action. And wherever there’s acceptance, instead of resistance, there can only be inner peace and happiness.

Don’t search for happiness, just choose to be happy!

You are the happiness that you seek!  

Yesterday at a grocery store in Chennai, I saw my former boss’ wife. My former boss is one of India’s wealthiest people. A takeover tycoon and deal maker par excellence. Although I knew the lady well, I did not walk up to strike a conversation with her. I had quit that job over 18 years ago and, ever since, we had never been in touch. But seeing her took me back to a time at London’s Heathrow airport in 1995. I had accompanied my boss and her to the airport from our hotel in Knightsbridge (where we were staying). We had engaged a Merc for ferrying us to the airport and back. My boss was flying out to Hong Kong and his wife was due to leave for India the next morning. There was some unfinished business that my boss and I had to review and we decided to do it on the car ride to Heathrow. Soon, my boss checked-in and bade us good bye. As we started to walk to the terminal’s exit to find the Merc, my boss’ wife asked me if we could take the Tube to Knightsbridge. I was surprised. I reminded her that we had a Merc waiting for us. But she insisted we pay off the Merc and instead take the Tube. She said, “I have all the money in the world. My husband provides for all luxuries and comforts. But I miss being a commoner. I have never been on the Tube in London. And I want to really have the experience.” I did not protest. We paid off the Merc and took the Tube. The lady elicited a promise from me that I would not tell her husband that she had taken the Tube to ride to Knightsbridge. At the end of the ride, when we reached our hotel, she told me, “I often feel like a bird in a golden cage. Today is the happiest day of my Life!”

As I recollected this incident yesterday, my thoughts went to a story I had read somewhere.

This story is about a beautiful, rich, lady who complained to her psychiatrist that she felt her whole Life was empty and worthless; it had no meaning, especially after her husband had passed away. She became all alone in her big house. All the German cars, the palatial house, expensive furniture, British cutlery, French perfume, Persian carpets, the imported piano, the Beethoven collection – they all just became useless objects to her. She said her Life was listless and meaningless. So she asked the psychiatrist how she could find happiness in Life.

The psychiatrist called out for the lady who cleaned his office daily. She came in, even as the rich lady was wondering what was going on. The psychiatrist then said to the rich lady, “I'm going to ask Mary here to tell you how she found happiness. All I want you to do, is listen to her.” So the old cleaning lady put down her broom and sat on a chair and told her story: “Well, my husband died of malaria and three months later my only son was killed in a car accident. I had nobody... I had nothing left. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I never smiled at anyone, I even thought of taking my own Life. Then one evening, a little kitten followed me home from work. Somehow I felt sorry for that kitten. It was cold outside, so I decided to let the kitten in. I got it some milk and the kitten licked the plate clean. Then it purred and rubbed against my leg and for the first time, in months, I smiled. Then I stopped to think, if helping a little kitten could make me smile, may be doing something for people could make me happier. So the next day I baked some biscuits and took them to a neighbor who was sick in bed. I felt happy to see him enjoy those biscuits. That’s how I really started to do something nice for someone every day. It made me so happy to see them happy. Today, I don't know of anybody who sleeps and eats better than I do. I've found happiness, by giving it to others.”

I am not sure my ex-boss’ wife has found this simple secret to being happy. But I sure can relate to Mary’s experience and wisdom.

In fact, my learning and understanding from Life is that happiness is a state we are born with. We intrinsically are happy people with the ability to laugh at and enjoy Life. We don’t have to go seeking it. Happiness is who we are. All we must do is to remove all those factors in us, around us, that inhibit our being happy. If riding a Merc all the time is making you unhappy, sure, go take the Tube. At every step, in every moment, make that intelligent choice to be happy. Or simply, do away with all that makes you unhappy and you will be happy.

Stay, happily, in a perpetual let-go!

Knowing, accepting and celebrating the impermanence of everything around us is a sure way to stay in a perpetual let-go!   

Over the last fortnight my phone crashed, our car suffered a break-down, and our TV conked out. For various reasons all three cannot be either fixed or replaced immediately. It was initially both disconcerting and frustrating to deal with this triple disaster. These are things we depend on and, often, mindlessly, take for granted. Their succumbing to wear and tear, which any piece of machinery is prone to, was not, I realized, the cause for my frustration. My inability to have them fixed immediately was.

That is when I read this inspiring story about the 43-year-old California-based beach artist, Andres Amador. Amador uses a rake to etch designs on to the beach during low tides. This art form of beach exploration is called playa. Raking exposes the wetter sand causing a color difference between the raked and the unraked sand. Some of Amador’s designs are massive – 300 ft x 500 ft. What’s remarkable – and amazing is – that while Amador pours his heart into each design that he creates, he has no problem in watching the waves come back up, when the tide returns, and wash away all his creations. He says, “For me it is more about the process and less about the result. When it is finished, I let it go. The only constant in this existence is impermanence. In the end our lives are all about the experiences we have had. And not about the things we have held on to.” Amador picks full moon nights to work on the beach, during low tides, and he uses Google Earth to choose the beaches he wants to work at. Why does he do what he does – knowing fully well that each of his creations will not last for more than a couple of hours after he’s done? He says, matter-of-factly: “It’s fun! I get to be at the beach!!”

I found Amador’s attitude to his art and to Life very uplifting. I thought to myself that here’s an artist, who “creates” works of beauty, of brilliance, (see his pictures sampled here and on http://www.andresamadorarts.com/ ), only to let them go. And here I was battling frustrations on things I have merely gotten used to depending upon. It was a humbling learning, and awakening, that helped me let go of those things I could not immediately fix or replace.

I have often, through my experiences, realized that our frustrations come only from our innate, subconscious desire, to be in control of everything. Technology has only made us even more parasitic. There’s an insatiable need, each of us experiences, for instant gratification. If something is broken, it needs a fix immediately. If something is not working out, we agonize over getting it to work. If we lose something, we grieve over that loss endlessly. All of these, and more, contribute to our unhappiness. Happiness really is about getting rid of – letting go – whatever we don’t have, isn’t there, can’t fix or have not got. We are unhappy only as long as we cling on to something. This is as true about our material assets as it is about relationships. When we get rid of the thought, the expectation, that something, or someone for that matter, should always be with us, we will be free. And happy.

Celebrating impermanence is not all that complex. It’s downright simple. If you think about everything – and everyone – in Life, including those people that you love deeply, you will realize that sooner than later, the waves of time will wash them all away. So, begin by stopping to think about anything that you have had to let go or can’t retain. Life’s most well-kept secret is this - as long as you are not clinging on to anything, even in your thoughts, you will not suffer!

Let go of what makes you unhappy and you will be happy!

There are no barriers to happiness except the ones you erect for yourself. Let go of what makes you unhappy and you will be happy!

Indeed. It is as simple as that.

I met a friend yesterday who is breaking up with her husband. Her business is not doing too good – she’s in a lot of debt. And her two children are still very young – they demand a lot of her time. She’s not able to focus on her passion – dance – as her failed relationship, her struggling business and her little children are taking up all her time and attention. “I am under a constant cloud of unwantedness, unhappy with whatever’s happening in my Life. I want to be able to devote time to my kids. It makes me sad that I really can’t do that either,” she confessed.

Many of us are this way too. Seeking happiness while doing what distinctly makes us unhappy. Sticking around in situations and relationships that drain us out completely and then lamenting that we are unable to break free. We don’t realize that the only reason we are unhappy in any situation in Life, is because, perhaps, we choose to be so.

Consider what my friend declared to me: “There seems to be no way out of this quagmire. I have hit a dead end.” I then asked her why she thought there was no way out. She said because she couldn’t see a way out. Now, those are two different things – there being no way out and your inability to see a way out. Most often, we don’t see the way out, because we are not looking in the right direction or we are not looking hard enough. Or, maybe, we just don’t want a way out? For, sometimes, being unhappy is so comfortable. The whole world will come to console you when you are unhappy. And to deal with unhappiness is so simple – you just have to frown at everything and everyone. It is addictive. And keeps you constantly engaged – wallowing in self-pity and self-declared hopelessness. This is exactly what I told my friend too. I advised her that all she needed to do was to end her relationship, shut down her business and spend quality time pursuing her passion and raising her children. She needed to focus on those factors in her Life that are enablers of happiness than on those that are debilitating. Simple.

But what does one do when you can’t get rid of what makes you unhappy. Like a failed relationship or business can be walked out of. But how can you walk away from the memory of someone whom you have lost? And what if that memory continues plague you – making you unhappy? Interestingly, the same approach will work here also. Let go of those memories of loss and pining. Replace them with memories you have of all that you enjoyed doing with that person who is no more now. Your unhappiness will instantaneously disappear. Again, as you will realize, focusing on the happiness enablers than on debilitating factors is the only way to rid yourself of unhappiness.

This is true for all of us. Without exception. In all situations. Happiness is not a state to be attained. It is who you are. Through conditioning – both economic and social – you have built walls or barriers around you, within you. These walls need to be torn down. In other words, if you throw out whatever makes you unhappy, you will end up being happy!

“Being happy means simply being – no conditions can apply!”

You can only be happy in the present. Or to say it differently, you can only be happy if you are present!

A friend called yesterday to say that his world is falling apart. His business is doing badly and his marriage is on the rocks. “I am very, very unhappy! I hate being this way. But my worries and anxieties are pinning me down,” he lamented. Surely nobody loves being unhappy! I can totally empathize with my friend. But only he, neither his business doing better nor his marriage being saved, can pull him out of the rut he finds himself in.

It is the nature of worries and anxieties to debilitate. If they are holding you hostage, it only means that you have allowed them to be that way. The human mind plays tricks on you all the time. It consistently strives to take you away from what is and gets you to attend to what once was or what may possibly be. So, most of the time, you are not present in the now. And happiness is always in simply being – present, in the now! When you impose conditions on what is, unhappiness sets in.

There was a time when I did not know, or understand when I eventually got to know, this secret to living. I remember waking up in my air-conditioned bedroom in the nights, some years ago, sweating. Sleep evaded me for months on end. I would pace up and down a long hallway in my apartment each night – worrying, fearing, feeling angry, guilty, helpless. I knew what I was doing was stupid. It was crazy. But I just could not sleep. I could not focus on the present.

Once I went to a live concert of R.D.Burman hits (performed by a fantastic national-level orchestra). The hall was full. And the audience was hysterical. About an hour into the concert, I suddenly realized I had not even known which songs had played until then. I was there physically, I was hearing everything, I was watching everyone clap, shout, whistle and sway to the legend’s unputdownable music, but I was not “in” the concert. I was not present there. What finally woke me up from my worry-filled reverie, was one of my favorite R.D. numbers from the film Golmaal (1979, Hrishikesh Mukherjee, Gulzar, Kishore Kumar). The song went like this: “Aane Wala Pal Jaane Wala Hai, Hosake To Isme Zindagi Guzaar Lo, Pal Yeh Jo Jaane Wala Hai…” The lyrics meant a lot to me that day: “The moment which is coming will go away, if you want to, live in this moment, for it will be gone soon too…” Not that I had not heard that song before. But that evening, that song stirred something within me.

Swami Sathya Sai Baba

As they often say, things happen in Life, when they must – never a moment earlier or later. The next time my inner consciousness was stirred was through an experience I had with Swami Sathya Sai Baba (whose birthday it is today), which happened within a week of the R.D. concert. I confessed to Swami that I was very worried and anxious about the future. I told him I saw no way out of the problems that we were faced with as a family. I said, I simply cannot go on like this. Swami asked me what would it take for me to be happy. I replied that if someone could assure me that my problems would be taken care of, I would be happy. Swami then told me that I would never be happy if I thought this way. “To imagine, to desire, to wish that you will not or you should not have any problems is the biggest problem. As long as you have this problem, you will be unhappy. Being happy means simply being – no conditions can apply!” explained Swami.

That conversation with Swami changed my entire approach to Life. I soon found a wonderful method called ‘shubha mouna yoga’, which is to essentially practise silence periods daily, that helped me discipline my mind. The human mind, I discovered, is like a dog. If you don’t train it, if you don’t discipline it, it will lead you. But if you coach it and teach it to “stay still”, and to obey you, it will never stray. Swami’s inspiration and his awakening message to me, and my practise of mouna, has taught me to be happy despite the circumstances I am faced with in Life.

We have to learn to accept that Life will have problems. And our entire lifetime has to be spent dealing with these problems. Now, we can grieve over the fact that we have problems, and wish, in vain, that we have none, and so be perpetually unhappy. Or we can expunge such an expectation and be happy – in the here and now!

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Learning to be happy despite your circumstances

To be happy simply love whatever comes your way in Life  - even if you don’t want it!

A disciple asked his Master: “Master, how can you love what you don’t want but what you still get in Life?”

The Master replied: “Your very Life has been given to you without your asking, without your wanting it. Haven’t you been born and aren’t you alive despite that? The very same way you have to accept and love whatever comes to you, whatever you get.”

It sure is possible to love what you want in Life. But how can you love what you don’t want? You may wonder: How can you love death? How can you love a grave illness? How can you love betrayal in a relationship or a financial loss? How can you love sorrow, fear and anxiety?

To want or love what you get in Life, you have to understand Life deeply. The meaning of Life is simple – it’s just not in your control! You have been created without your knowledge. Without your asking to be born. Your creation has been a magical event. But you have not known it. You have been created as an embodiment of the Universal Energy. But you hardly see yourself as a part of the cosmos. That’s because the labels of your name, your religion, your education, your economic strata in society, your profession, your income, and many more such labels, have been stuck on you. These labels are the cause of all your desires. Each of your wants is a consequence of your having to live up to the reputation of the label that dominates your Life at a particular time or moment. For example, in reality, you don’t need many of the things that you buy and possess in Life – like a swanky car, a large apartment in a premium neighborhood, expensive jewellery, a club membership and such. But you have them around or desire them because you have a social standing to maintain. Society has packaged you in such a manner that you are acceptable to them. Who you truly are has been buried deep below several layers of those labels or masks. Beneath all of them is the non-wanting, non-desirous, accepting you. When you peel off these layers and get to the real you, you will realize that Life’s best lived by loving what comes, by accepting whatever is given and by flowing with whatever happens.

Wanting your Life to be one way or the other is what causes unhappiness. The truth is that you never caused your Life. And you can never control it. When you internalize this truth, you will discover that it changes the way you look at Life – from wanting Life to be different to loving what is! You will then find the way to live fully, to be happy despite your circumstances!

Don’t fight your desires. Understand them!

Every scripture in the world will tell you that desire is at the root of all our unhappiness. But it is also intrinsic to human nature that we desire. The way to deal with desire then is to not resist it but to understand it, appreciate it and make an intelligent choice. Desire cannot be dropped. Because desire is an energy. And energy cannot be destroyed. When the energy, the desire arises, go it its root and understand it. Do you need what you desire or do you want it? If you need it, go for it. If you want it, you can still go for it, but absolve yourself of all guilt. Make a free choice by remaining alert, being awake and by practicing awareness.

The latest issue of India Today runs a cover story on ‘The Untold Story’ of Mahatma Gandhi’s experiments with practicing celibacy based on now available excerpts from the personal diaries of Manuben, who was his personal attendant for many years and was with him at the time that he was assassinated. It is common knowledge that Gandhi’s experiments with celibacy involved sleeping naked with female companions. People then, and now, see it as an eccentric side of a Mahatma, Great Soul. Others find it condemnable and questionable. We will never know why Gandhi used this method to deal with, in an attempt to perhaps conquer, his sexual desires. It is believed that Gandhi looked to conquer this enormous energy within, which would have only helped satiate his selfish and intensely personal desire, his lust, and direct that energy in the pursuit and practice of ahimsa, to help his country and its citizens. It was Gandhi’s personal choice and something he had the honesty, as Manuben’s diary jottings reveal amply now, to make no bones about what he did as part of this practice.

While the India Today story will be lapped up by its readers for the sheer expose it offers into the private Life of one of the most revered Indians, it helps us, on another plane, to reflect deeply about our own ability to deal with desire. I lean to Osho, the Master, for a better understanding of the anatomy of desire. Osho says the energy behind desire and the energy behind creation, existence, are one and the same. He quotes from the Eastern scriptures where legend has it that God had a great desire. To expand beyond himself. And so, in order to grow from one to many, he let his desire create us__humans. So, fundamentally, all desire is about expanding oneself because we are all an offshoot of the same creative energy. Fighting desire, therefore, means fighting with ourselves. No desire is bad unless you succumb to it and it starts to enslave you. And nothing must be succumbed to. We must not capitulate but we must choose freely. When a desire, let us say to smoke, to drink, to eat an additional gulab jamun, to have sex, to get angry, to feel frustrated, to be jealous, whatever, arises, look at the desire not as if you are desiring it but as a third person. As an observer. Understand the desire with your awareness. Where there is awareness, there will be prudence. It is only when we are blinded that we succumb mindlessly to our desires. When we stay alert, we will always be able to deal with the desire intelligently, effortlessly __ perhaps, overcome it by letting go of it, perhaps, choosing it consciously.

Happiness: Available – 24x7x365!!!

Learn to accept unhappiness to understand and appreciate the value of happiness.

Happiness is not something you pursue or find. It is who you are. You are happy, you are happiness! For happiness to be visible in you, to you, for the world, you must first understand and then let go of your unhappiness.

What makes us unhappy are our circumstances. When what we want doesn’t happen or doesn’t exist we become unhappy. So unhappiness is basically because of our circumstances. But here’s a little secret __ happiness, on the other hand, is possible despite our circumstances. Understand this clearly. You suffer only when you link your happiness, and make it conditional, to your circumstances. Let’s say, you have a good job and earn a good income and own a good car. So, then, logically, you are happy because of those circumstances! This is dangerous. What happens when any of those conditions is disturbed or changed or doesn’t exist? You lose your job and your income and your car gets taken away by the bank that it was hypothecated to. Then doesn’t your happiness turn into unhappiness? It surely will. When you resist this unhappiness is when your suffering prolongs. Instead accept it. Accept that in Life anything, ANYTHING, can happen. And if you decide that whatever happens you are not going to let it affect your inner core, your happiness, then you will learn the art of being happy despite your circumstances.

Only one of two things may be true about your Life at any time. You may get what you want. Or you may get what you didn’t want. Intelligent living is about being unmoved despite getting either. Happiness is free of terms and conditions. It is available free. 24x7x365. Because we foolishly, vainly, make it conditional, is why we remain unhappy! Happiness is like oxygen. It is available. But for you to live you must breathe it. If you stop breathing saying your conditions for breathing remain unfulfilled, saying you don’t have this or that or the other, who’s the loser? Who then dies?

True happiness is not about jumping up and down because you got what you wanted. True happiness is when your soul laughs at having conquered your mind, at having stilled it even when you got what you didn’t want. True happiness is in being present and simply witnessing Life as it happens. It is about going with the flow of Life, intensely understanding whatever happens, even if it is something you didn’t want or bargain for, and intelligently choosing to remain unmoved. Happiness, simply then, is wanting whatever you get in Life!