If you don’t feel good being with someone, don’t be with them. Whoever they may be.

Respect the way you feel before you respect how others feel about a situation or about you.

        

Yesterday a friend called to say that my father was unwell. He said my brother-in-law was trying to reach me. I spoke to my brother-in-law and inferred that my dad indeed had not been keeping good health. However, I excused myself from visiting him.

My family – parents and siblings – and I have been estranged for several years now. In the recent past the estrangement has been acute – a lot of it has to also do with the money my wife and I have borrowed from my parents in the past to resurrect our business. Naturally the money still remains due to them because our business has not picked up enough to enable us to repay anyone. (I have talked about this forgettable family saga in my Book – “Fall Like A Rose Petal – A father’s lessons on how to be happy and content while living without money”; Westland, August 2014.)

But my decision to distance myself from my parents and siblings has a deeper context. I feel there is complete mistrust between all of us. Besides, I don’t find any of them true to who they are making themselves out to be. So, like I have done in the past, I chose to stay away from the present situation concerning my dad. And I prefer to remain this way in the future too.

My stance, without doubt, is debatable. In the world’s view, what I am doing may be seen as dereliction of duty. Some may term it as total abdication. Others may view it as lack of compassion: “A 76-year-old is pining for his oldest son, but the son obstinately clings on to his ego!” Yet others may believe that because it is a short Life, we must let go, bury our differences, and move on. My siblings have, for their part, on more than one occasion, pointed out to me that since I have been unable to return the money I owe to the family, the least I can and must do is to be a “dutiful” son and look after my parents physically. Indeed, there are these and several other ways to look at the choice I have exercised.

But I have not been driven by any of these considerations. To be sure, I hold no grudge against my family for the way my wife and I have been treated by them. I also recognize that I have, in the past, contributed unwittingly to the fractious environment in the family. Even so, after much reflection and soul-searching, my realization is that I don’t relate to any of them anymore. I can’t trust any of them and I feel there’s so much “untruth” and “pretension” on the rare occasions we have met. I believe they feel this way about me and my wife too. So, therefore, I have decided to refuse to brush aside this intense discomfort within me and pretend everything is normal by “showing up and being seen”. I feel that by staying away from each other we are all anchored in our own peaceful states. For everyone, including my ailing father, this is the best place to be in. This is my view. And I am peaceful living my Life with this view.

Yes, my wife and I owe my family, just as we owe 178 other creditors, money. And we believe, when things turn around for us financially, we will repay every rupee to everyone, with full interest due.

I don’t expect anyone to agree with my view here. But I will still share the learning I have gleaned from the experience I have had of being a “member” of my dysfunctional family! Sometimes when relationships become very messy, when there is no more relating among the people in the relationship, it is just best to let go of the relationships. Or, if you can’t, then let them simply be. Trying to get people, who are hell bent on misinterpreting you, to understand you is a waste of your precious time and energy. Trying to fulfil your familial obligations or filial duties at acute discomfort to you, while letting your inner peace be disturbed, is absolute hara-kiri. The past does not matter anymore. The future no one has seen. In the present, if you can’t trust someone, if you don’t feel happy being in someone’s presence, simply don’t pretend being comfortable and suffer in the bargain. Nothing is worth more in Life than your inner peace. If you cannot feel good being someplace with someone, don’t go there, don’t be with them. Whoever they may be. It is important you respect how you feel before you even respect the way others will feel.

Find peace by walking away from whatever holds you to ransom

The simplest way to peace is to walk away from things that imprison you, trouble you, anger you and tempt you.

This doesn't mean that you abdicate your stand or your responsibility of those things. It only means you don't react and seek time to think through the situation and act on it calmly. Consider what can possibly be imprisoning you. Your fears, insecurities, anxieties are all the metaphorical shackles that keep you nailed to the ground. Because you are not free, and a prisoner of your own thoughts, you are in despair. You are troubled. Continuously being in an agitated state can cause you to explode. Initially your tolerance levels are higher. But over a period of time you become a victim of your own reactions. You are angry first. But soon you are angry that you lost your cool. You are angry with yourself. Then you succumb to the temptation of pitying yourself and get into that ruinous depressive spiral. Your temptations can also come from your desires. From eating an extra piece of a Black Forest to having that smoke to compulsively wanting to control, everything is a temptation that you find hard to resist. When you are controlled by your desires, you are but a slave of your mind.

To be free, to be the Master of your mind, and therefore of your Life, you must first walk away. Don't think. Just walk away. From an argument, from a bar, from your desire to light up, from irrational behavior that provokes you. Walk away and ask yourself what will be lost if you don't succumb, if you don't indulge, if you don't get involved. Almost always, the answer will be that nothing will be lost. Though the mind would have been tempting you, creating often a sense of urgency, that without your immediate involvement, Life will go out of control. Resist that mind game with a physical response: walk away! Almost instantaneously, you will discover you are at peace with the moment. Just this awareness that walking away is not going to bring the world to an end, is inspiring. It is an action that demonstrates immense trust in Time's ability to heal and resolve. It never is borne out of cowardice and insecurity. But is an act of courage and delivered with a feeling of complete security.

Try it on anything that is troubling you or holding you in its vice-like grip (a habit or a relationship perhaps?). Try it on your own emotions, like your compulsive urge to get angry. Or on your inability to resist temptation. Try it once by walking away. You will find peace in a nano-second. And then, like Oliver Twist, you will want more!

Silence is a great option

Walking away from a futile, distasteful argument, which is unnecessary in the first place, is not cowardice. It is intelligence.

Sometimes, being silent, and walking away, is the best response. People trying to prove each other wrong, which is what arguments are all about, leaves no one any better. Let’s remember that people do things their way only because they feel what they are doing is right. To an observer, or to someone who is at the receiving end of any action, it may well be possible that the action is questionable or inappropriate. When an argument follows, reviewing the merits of the action(s), it will always be a case of who was right than what was right. So, in all such contexts, when you find yourself in the midst  of such an unwelcome, pointless debate, exercise your option to not say or do anything. Just let things be. Don’t even opinionate in your mind. Don’t even console yourself or justify your actions. Just choose to be silent. And that is not an act of cowardice.

This does not mean you must not fight for what is right. It does not mean either that you must not make your point strongly. What it means is that if belaboring what is evident and must be understood upfront is going to cause people to experience each other badly, then such a reaffirmation or reiteration is futile. Silence is a great option. Try using it! It always ends the spiral of negativity and suspends hostilities even if it immediately does not deliver a resolution.

                                                                      

Letting go or walking away is not always giving up!

There will be times in Life when you can’t do anything about a situation or a person, or both! You will feel incapacitated, even helpless. You will want to give up. Instead give in. Sometimes, a good way to make peace with a situation or a person is to give in, to let go, to walk away. But do it with grace, giving the person or the situation all your love and understanding. Do it peacefully. Without malice, without prejudice, without feeling frustrated.

Last week the Pope announced his resignation. An act, I believe, of extreme humility__announced as it was in a much-watched and debated environment__which personifies the message of letting go. The Pope does not have a higher office to direct him. Yet, he treated his conscience as one.  And heeded its silent counsel that he did not have either the health or the leadership acumen to capably discharge his duties anymore as the Vicar of Christ. Even as I ruminated on the learning ensconced in this rare decision, over the weekend I watched the Hindi movie ‘Inkaar’ made by celebrated director Sudhir Misra. It is a story of love and hate packaged in the backdrop of a sexual harassment suit in an advertising agency. In the film’s climax, when it becomes apparent to the viewer that this is a love story gone haywire, and that the ambitious lady protagonist is all set to come to terms with her guilt, the lead male character, played excellently by Arjun Rampal, simply walks away. He recounts a lesson that his father had taught him when he was a boy: ‘When you can help someone experience inner peace by leaving them an opportunity you are clinging on to simply do it. Never hesitate to walk away!”

So two different, and at the same time, unique scenarios. One was in the context of being infirm and incapable of performing and leading anymore. Another was in the context of not wanting to come in the way of someone experiencing peace. Yet both were acts of letting go and walking away. To be sure, there may be a temptation to view these as acts of giving up. Perhaps a third anecdote may help clarify the essence of this learning better.

I have a friend who, apart from being a very acclaimed actor in Tamil cinema, is a very successful entrepreneur. He will not like to be named, so I will not disclose his identity. Some years ago, he was in business in partnership with his cousin. They both held equal stakes in a large, highly profitable, business process outsourcing enterprise. Suddenly, owing to irrevocable differences of opinion between them, it became apparent that they both could not see eye to eye in the management of the company. Resultantly, all Board decisions were getting stalemated. My friend tried to have someone arbitrate the matter with his cousin. But the situation was getting acrimonious, messy and a prolonged, legal battle for control of the company seemed inevitable between them. My friend, however, in one shocking move, relinquished all his claims on the company, including transferring his stake for zero value, in favor of his cousin and walked away. I confronted my friend and asked him what was the whole idea of being a martyr? After all, it was he (my friend) who had built the company up from scratch. I recall my friend replying, smiling, calmly: “The cost of my relationship with my cousin far outweighs my financial stake in and benefits due from the company. That relationship is affected today because of the business. Not the other way round. I don’t want to fight a relationship over a business. In trying to prove each other wrong, we will spend a lifetime in grief and there will be so much bad blood. It’s simply not worth it!”

Indeed. Trying to prove a point at the cost of your peace of mind is simply not worth it. Most often in Life, we don’t grieve over the injustice meted out to us by someone or a system or a situation. Our grief often comes from the fact that we have been taken for granted. That we have been pissed on, trampled upon and passed over. The hurt from having been used causes far more suffering than for having been abused. It is to avenge the ignominy of the treatment that we either fight or give up, choosing to continue to grieve or sulk eternally. Neither approach delivers peace. But giving in does.

This doesn’t mean you must not contest. That you must not compete. That you must not take up the leadership of a situation or run a race. But whenever the sporting spirit is lost, and acrimony is beginning to set in, or as in the Pope’s case, when you are no longer able to create value, clinging on, even if something legitimately belongs or is due to you, is pointless. Letting go or walking away or giving in is not an act of cowardice. It is the most intelligent way to restore peace and equanimity, allowing all parties, including you, the time and space to think things over, sort themselves out and reflect on the learnings without any angst or animosity or fear of losing!