Whatever be the circumstance or
temptation, parents must not get in the way of their adult children.
Someone
we know is looking for a marriage alliance for her daughter who is an alumni of
the London School of Economics. We have met the prospective bride and found
that she’s intelligent, compassionate and independent enough to make informed
choices. But her mother insists on choosing a groom only from a TamBram, IT
industry background so that the couple can “settle” down in Chennai in the next
10 years to be able care for her (our friend) in her old age! Another mother
does not want a groom for her daughter from anywhere out of Chennai because she
(the mother) has a ‘fear of flying’ – so outstation and overseas visits may not
be possible if the groom came from outside Chennai! Yet another couple we know
is ‘worried’ stiff that their 33-year-old son is unmarried – the son however
believes that no alliance is coming through because his father insists on the
girl’s side following a regimented process of match-making which most families
find stifling – and avoidable!
I am
sure there are countless such stories around you as well – in your family, in
your circle of influence. A lot of parents I know are sweating over their
children quite unnecessarily. I believe parents must take a chill pill and let
their young adult children just be. Most certainly parents have a need to
counsel their children and share perspectives. But the engagement must stop
there – at best with a sermon. Trying to micro-manage and live their children’s
lives or live their own lives through their children is something that parents
must totally avoid.
Parents
must appreciate – and accept – that their children are unique individuals.
Their Life designs are entirely distinct and different from that of their
parents. Besides, they have their own aspirations and their own lives to lead.
So, coming up with preconditions, like choosing a companion who is in the same
city, or one who belongs to a specific community or insisting that a child gets
into running the family business because there is no one else to run it or
dictating how a young adult must live, ruins the party for everyone. It is
possible that some of all this happens because despite being young adults, the children
may not always share how stifled they feel with intrusive and instructive
parenting. But it is time children spoke their mind, even
as it is time parents grew up – and not just older!
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