It is time parents grew up too – and not just older!

Whatever be the circumstance or temptation, parents must not get in the way of their adult children. 

Someone we know is looking for a marriage alliance for her daughter who is an alumni of the London School of Economics. We have met the prospective bride and found that she’s intelligent, compassionate and independent enough to make informed choices. But her mother insists on choosing a groom only from a TamBram, IT industry background so that the couple can “settle” down in Chennai in the next 10 years to be able care for her (our friend) in her old age! Another mother does not want a groom for her daughter from anywhere out of Chennai because she (the mother) has a ‘fear of flying’ – so outstation and overseas visits may not be possible if the groom came from outside Chennai! Yet another couple we know is ‘worried’ stiff that their 33-year-old son is unmarried – the son however believes that no alliance is coming through because his father insists on the girl’s side following a regimented process of match-making which most families find stifling – and avoidable!  

I am sure there are countless such stories around you as well – in your family, in your circle of influence. A lot of parents I know are sweating over their children quite unnecessarily. I believe parents must take a chill pill and let their young adult children just be. Most certainly parents have a need to counsel their children and share perspectives. But the engagement must stop there – at best with a sermon. Trying to micro-manage and live their children’s lives or live their own lives through their children is something that parents must totally avoid.

Parents must appreciate – and accept – that their children are unique individuals. Their Life designs are entirely distinct and different from that of their parents. Besides, they have their own aspirations and their own lives to lead. So, coming up with preconditions, like choosing a companion who is in the same city, or one who belongs to a specific community or insisting that a child gets into running the family business because there is no one else to run it or dictating how a young adult must live, ruins the party for everyone. It is possible that some of all this happens because despite being young adults, the children may not always share how stifled they feel with intrusive and instructive parenting. But it is time children spoke their mind, even as it is time parents grew up – and not just older!  

Reflections on ‘Aashirwad’, Rajesh Khanna and the essence of the Bhagavad Gita

Everything is impermanent. Everything, including your own body, will soon perish.

The TOI story 

A story in the Times of India this morning on the demolition of Rajesh Khanna’s erstwhile bungalow, ‘Aashirwad’, on Mumbai’s tony Carter Road, got me to pause and reflect.

The property’s new owner is bringing down the bungalow to redevelop the estate and construct a new building. The bungalow is iconic for many reasons: Rajesh asked for an advance from noted Tamil producer Sandow Chinnappa Devar, which came in the form of Rs.5 Lakh in cash in a suitcase, for buying the bungalow from actor Rajendra Kumar; Devar in turn signed-up Rajesh for ‘Haathi Mere Saathi’ but Rajesh wanted the script re-written and entrusted the project to Salim-Javed; so, in effect, ‘Haathi Mere Saathi’ became the first film that the writer-duo got joint credit – and payment – for! The truth is that had Rajesh not wanted to buy that bungalow, he may not have done ‘Haathi Mere Saathi’ and had he not done the film, Salim-Javed would not be the legends they are today! The film ‘Haathi Mere Saathi’ also marked a critical, upward, inflection point in Rajesh Khanna’s rise to superstardom – the first in Bollywood!

‘Aashirwad’ was also home to many of Rajesh’s relationships – the more known among them being the one with Dimple Kapadia, who he also married; the one with Tina Munim; and, in his later years, the one with his live-in partner Anita Advani. It was on the terrace of this bungalow that, according to a close friend and film journalist Ali Peter John, Rajesh Khanna in a state of drunken stupor, envious and enraged over the aura of Amitabh Bachchan that had taken over the Hindi film industry, looked up at the sky and howled: “Oh God, why me?” So, ‘Aashirwad’ has seen a lot – it has seen success, superstardom, relationships, break-ups, failures and falls. Maybe many, many, more untold tales lay hidden within ‘Aashirwad’. But now ‘Aashirwad’ is gone. Reduced to dust. Just as the superstar who once proudly lived in it has since long been reduced to dust.

When I read the story of the bungalow’s demolition, it struck me that ‘Aashirwad’ was but a metaphor. All our stories will end up that way too – as dust! I remembered how, when our Firm’s fortunes came crashing down, and we had to close down and vacate our office, I physically shredded each of our key statements of intent – our Purpose, Vision and Values statements. It was a numbing, cathartic moment for me. This was a Firm that I had dreamt of becoming a global icon in the consulting space, this was a Firm that my wife and I had grown with love and passion, yet, it had been reduced to nothing – and as it lay defunct, lifeless, it, eerily so, appeared that I was performing its last rites that day in 2012.

As I sipped my filter coffee, and brought my attention back to the ‘Aashirwad’ story in today’s TOI, I reflected on the essence of the Bhagavad Gita:

Whatever happened, it happened well.

Whatever is happening, it is happening well.

Whatever will happen, it will also happen well.

What of yours did you lose?

Why or for what are you crying?

What did you bring with you, for you to lose it?

What did you create, for it to be wasted or destroyed?

Whatever you took, it was taken from here.

Whatever you gave, it was given from here.

Whatever is yours today, will belong to someone else tomorrow.

On another day, it will belong to yet another.

This change is the Law of the Universe.

I believe intelligent living is about pausing and imbibing this learning. Nothing belongs to us. Everything and everyone will be gone some day – including you and me! Clinging on to material possessions and stances and opinions is a total waste of energy and precious time. If we review our lives closely, deeply, we will find that all our insecurities and strife comes from whatever we are clinging on to. The moment you let go of whatever is possessing you, consuming you – a habit or a position or an object or a person or a relationship – you are liberated. You are free. It is only when you are free that you can experience Life – and its magic and beauty – fully!

A chef whips up a recipe for ‘non-suffering’!

Sometimes Life’s problems will confound you. It could be a relationship tangle, a financial situation, a health crisis or a professional challenge. You will find, to your dismay, that whatever solution you attempt will just not work. Because some things are simply not meant to be.

I recently met a man who is a master of his craft. He’s an extremely successful chef at a leading hospitality chain. We got talking. And I politely enquired about his family. He laughed heartily.

Taking a deep breath, he replied: “I have been married thrice. I got divorced twice. And widowed once. I have a 20-year-old autistic son who lives me. So, that’s my family!”

I felt sorry I had asked him that question. But he showed no signs of discomfort. Just so that we made the conversation easier, I remarked: “Oh! I am sorry. Must be tough on you. But you seem to be very enthusiastic about Life!”

He said: “Sorry? Don’t be. I have realized that I cannot have a regular, normal family that many others have. I have accepted that companionship is not part of my Life’s scene! Raising my son as a single parent has been difficult but I don’t complain anymore. My problems go through me! I don’t go through any problems. Not anymore!”

His simple, matter-of-fact attitude is very inspiring. Indeed. Isn’t that a practical way to look at Life? We normally respond to Life’s challenges with a sense of shock and dismay. We always lament about Life and wonder how difficult it is to go through the problems we are faced with. But here my chef friend has flipped the paradigm. His sense of acceptance has made him unflappable! There’s a learning here for us too. When you grieve over the Life you have you suffer. But when you accept it, while there may be pain, there will be no suffering. Perhaps, you may want to try this chef’s recipe for ‘non-suffering’: “let your problems go through you; you simply accept what is.”

Drop your sense of self-importance, just be!

You have to do nothing to take care of your Life. Actually, Life has always been taking care, is taking care, and will take care of you!

At a coffee shop the other day, two friends were catching up at a table that was very close to mine. I was immersed in checking Facebook on my phone. But something one of them said to the other caught my attention. He said, “My Life is not in my hands anymore. I have to take care of my family, my parents, my sister who is going through a divorce, and I have to work by butt off trying to achieve my targets at work. It is insane, but I am no longer living my Life. I am constantly running, earning, providing for and serving others. I feel so lost, so overworked, so stressed – all the time!”

Many of us may well be in this person’s position. We may have the same feeling that we seem to be alive only so that we can provide for other people. And perhaps we are tired of such an existence. Some may even be suffering. To be sure, this is a very natural feeling when we are overwhelmed by the challenges we face and the responsibilities that we carry.

The way to deal with this situation, if you are feeling this way, is to stop giving yourself too much importance. A fundamental belief that comes in the way of our living our lives fully, totally, is the view that we have to take care of ourselves and of others ‘dependent’ on us. There’s this huge protector-provider role that we all have self-imposed upon ourselves. Or a better way to say it is that we have self-assumed this role. And so we go about our lives obsessed with an avoidable sense of self-importance. We believe every problem around us needs our immediate, urgent attention__and resolution. That everything from money to succor, in our immediate circle of influence, must be provided for by us. And when it doesn’t happen that way, as it often may not, we feel something’s wrong with us, or with creation, or both and so we grieve, agonize and suffer!

Osho, the Master, says, and only he could have said it so well: “If the whole existence is one, and if existence goes on taking care of trees, of animals, of mountains, of oceans__from the smallest blade of grass to the biggest star__then it will take care of you too. Once you have started seeing the beauty of Life, ugliness starts disappearing. If you start looking at Life with joy, sadness starts disappearing. You cannot have heaven and hell together, you can have only one. It is your choice.”

So observe what’s causing you stress just now. And let it go. Let go of your self-assumed need to be problem-solver, protector and provider. Instead just be. And then you will discover that creation will take care of you, and all that you call your own. 

‘Letting Go’ is the way!

There is no way or method to ‘Let Go’!

In response to my blogpost of yesterday a reader wrote to me wondering if there was a method to letting go: “I find it very, very difficult. The more I try to let go, the more I feel the urge to be in control. I feel that we have been given a human mind only to solve the problems we are faced with. And letting go, without attempting a solution, or in spite of attempting a solution, is counter-intuitive to being human! Is there a progressive approach to letting go?”

Honestly, there is no easy explanation to this conundrum. Because truly the benefits of, the value in, letting go cannot be explained. It has to be experienced.

Even so, let me attempt to share what I have understood from my own experience of learning to let go. When we are confronted with a problem situation, we want to solve it. We believe that either we can solve a problem or at least we believe we can find someone who can solve the problem for us. Well, if we can solve a problem, or if someone can solve a problem for us, surely, there is no problem. But there will be Life situations when no one can solve your problem. Life – and time – alone can solve your problem or heal you. Ask, for instance, those people who lost their dear ones in the MH 370 episode. Or ask the Talwar couple who are in Dasna jail in UP. Or ask me and Vaani – and we will tell you what it means to be living with a problem that refuses to get resolved despite all our efforts.

But that’s not the only way to look at problems of an enduring kind. Look at them another way too: No matter what you do, how hard you work, what you wish, whatever has to happen alone will happen. So, when you realize that something’s not in your control, when you are unable to control the flow of events in your Life, don’t resist it.Just let it happen. You simply learn to go with the flow.

My late grandfather, my father’s father, used to say, in chaste Palaghattan Tamizh: “Nadakarthu ellam nadakarapadi nadakattum.” Meaning, let everything happen in its own way. It also means don’t come in the way of Life. Because in reality, Life has been happening in its own way – whether you liked what happened or not, whether you like what you are getting or not. And if you elevate yourself to see Life from a spiritual plane, there are no problems. There are only events. Mere incidents on your journey called Life. You call something, which really is a simple event, a problem because you don’t like it, you don’t want it in your Life.

Letting go is not a call to inaction. Letting go is wisdom. If you like, you can call it an advisory which says that despite your best efforts, if you don’t see the results that you want, don’t agitate, don’t despair, just go with the flow of your Life. Which is why the spiritual perspective that there are no problems to be solved, there are just events to be experienced, is very valuable. When something is an experience, whether you like it or not, you have to learn to live and deal with it. It is only when you label something as a problem, that you feel you must solve it!

If you observe your Life or that of those around you, apart from all the challenges that Life throws at us, we create a fresh one for ourselves by seeking methods to deal with Life. We have become so method-driven that we now want to know if there is a method to intelligent living, if there is a method to inner peace, if there is a method to happiness and if there is a method to letting go. Life doesn’t work on theories or models or constructs for methods to work for, or in, Life. In my humble opinion, and from my experience of this lifetime, there’s no way to let go. Letting go is the way!

You can never win fighting Life! So, Let Go!!

Fighting Life, by resisting whatever is happening to you, is a just not worth it. Every which way, you stand to lose.

But the human mind, driven by ego, wants you to believe that you can and must do something in a Life situation. So it will goad you to fight. To resist what’s happening to you. And that’s how, through such resistance, you invite misery into your Life.

Let’s understand this better. There are only two kinds of problems. One set of problems are those that you can solve – either on your own or through a third party resource, expending money or through other means. The other set of problems are the ones that are, humanly, unsolvable. Only Life has to solve them over time. When you are faced with the second set of problems, the best thing to do is to let go!

When you let go, your problem may still be there. But it won’t torment you. It will not cause you any misery. You become miserable only when you attempt doing something that you are incapable of doing or don’t like doing. Let’s get this straight – Human beings do things. Life simply happens. These are the only two realities. When you can’t solve a Life problem by doing something about it, let go and allow Life to happen to you – in total acceptance and humility! Just let it happen. Let go of your desire to control, to solve, to do.

So, when you find that your doing something about a situation is of no use, simply flow with Life. Float like a piece of wood does on a river. Don’t worry about where Life is taking you or about why is it taking you wherever it is going or ask when will this journey end. This does not mean inaction. The choice of allowing yourself to ‘float’ is significant action in itself! Don’t, however, analyze and form opinions about outcomes and possibilities. Don’t reason what consequences will follow an outcome – if you end up here, this is what will happen or if you end up there, this is what it means. Let Go = non-reasoning, non analyzing, non-questioning! Let Go means living spontaneously!

Living in ‘Let Go’ mode is not difficult. It is intelligent living. Because you are doing the most intelligent thing after trying to apply your intelligence to solving the problem or Life situation. When you live in a ‘Let Go’ you may have to live with your problem, your Life situation – but you will live in peace, in bliss. 

Why forsake your freedom for someone else’s folly?

Some people you meet in Life will be cantankerous, scheming and unethical to the core. Let them be.

Recently someone we know worked in a despicable manner against our interest. It was hurting to see how we were treated and how our self-esteem was trampled upon. We did not protest. We did not whine. We did not rant. We did not fight. We merely exited from the relationship.

10 years ago, I would have kicked up a ruckus. I would have fought. I would have wanted to get even. I would have pushed hard to justify ourselves. I remember during one ghastly episode (which I have shared in my Book “Fall Like A Rose Petal”) with an unethical client, in 2003, I launched a 45-minute tirade against the CFO of the client’s company over the phone. It was a monologue – only I spoke, actually, I howled non-stop for those 45 minutes! When I was tired and done, and could bawl no more, the gentleman at the other end of the line calmly said, “Never waste your energy banging your head against a wall, AVIS. Not worth it.” But I did not heed his sage counsel. I threatened him and his company of dire consequences. For weeks on end, I tried to pursue options to sue them in international courts (they are an MNC). It was very late in the day when I realized I had I wasted precious time and inner peace on a dead cause.

Mercifully, I am not that way anymore. This is what Life has taught me: People will be who they are. And what they do to you, need not__and must not__change the way you deal with them. A common response we, good, ethical, warm and kind folks, have to such people is that we become depressive or angry or vengeful. This only creates more negative energy in us. And that, you will agree, is simply not worth inviting into your Life!

Here’s a Zen story which is awakening.

Two monks were washing their bowls in the river when they noticed a scorpion that was drowning. One monk immediately scooped it up and set it upon the bank. In the process the scorpion stung him. Unmindful, he went back to washing his bowl and again the scorpion fell into the river and began drowning. The monk saved the scorpion one more time and was again stung.

The other monk, who was watching this spectacle, asked him, “Friend, why do you continue to save the scorpion when you know it's nature is to sting?”

“Because,” the first monk replied, “to save it is my nature.”

So, stay true to your nature. And let no one affect it. This does not mean you must suffer in silence. There surely are other means to express yourself than to retaliate in a similar manner as the one who’s causing you pain. When you are filled with anger and act from that impulse, you breed negativity in you. When you are negative, your inner peace gets affected. When your inner peace is disturbed, you are held hostage by debilitating emotions. And that essentially means you are not living free!

Think about it: Do you really want to forsake your freedom because someone acted foolishly?

Never come in the way of your child’s Life choices

When your child makes an unconventional choice, celebrate, rather than worry!

Yesterday we met a gentleman who said he was concerned that his son, after his 12^th grade, wanted to pursue a career in art. What the man was perplexed about was that his child had never “demonstrated artistic talent” and yet he wanted to join a foundational undergrad program in art and follow it up with a two-year Master’s degree at some point.

I asked the gentleman what exactly was his concern.

He replied: “I wanted my son to have a basic qualification before he embarked on a career in art.”

By basic, what the man really meant is, doing a conventional degree in medicine, engineering, pure sciences, math, law or literature and such. And why does such a basic qualification matter? Because, as popular perception defines it, starting career plans in these fields are more stable and income, earning a living, doesn’t pose a challenge.  

But what about doing what you love doing? What about passion?

“Well,” said the man, “Passion won’t go anywhere. You can always pursue passion later on in Life after you earn some money and save enough to last your lifetime!”

The gentleman is not alone. This is how most of the world thinks, works and lives. A majority of the people believe Life must and will progress linearly. Which is you finish school, go through college, get a job, earn an income, raise a family, build a house, put your kids through school and college, retire and post-retirement you try to follow your bliss – health and time (on the planet) permitting – and, eventually, you die. Even assuming that this linear progression and its attendant monotony is sufferable, there is no guarantee that anyone’s Life progresses along this straight path. A health challenge here, a relationship issue there, a career low or a fundamental skills issue (because you have opted to do something only because it pays you and not because you love doing it) – all this and more makes your Life path look like an ECG reading, often even treacherous to survive! So, after battling Life’s ups and downs, when you finally have reached a point when you can afford to go do what you love doing, you are either too exhausted and Life-weary or you just have run out of time! 

Now, this perspective is not just about the career choices that your child may make. It is the best way forward for you – for your own inner peace – for all your child’s Life choices.

A fundamental principle of good, mature, intelligent parenting is to not try to live the lives of your kids. Simply, don’t come in their way. Don’t try to protect them. Yes, it is a natural tendency to tell them what you believe they must be doing. But say it suggestively and be done with it. Don’t impose your views. Don’t sweat over them. Don’t worry for them. Remember that they are individuals in their own right. They have an independent, intelligent mind – after all, they are your children! So, they want to go out into the big, bountiful world and experiment. They have a right to do what they love doing. And we must never come in their way.

What is the worst that can happen to your child if your child’s choice – of career or relationship or whatever – doesn’t work out? Critically time would have been lost during the tenure of the “experiment”. But how can you ever compute the value of the learning the experience will give your child? The experience of immersing in what she or he loves doing, the experience of selling a value proposition to the world, the experience of being rejected, the experience of thinking out of the box, the experience of stumbling, struggling, falling and standing up again. And how can you even put a value to whatever is making your child happy?

Yes, if a child is embracing a ruinous habit or when, for whatever reason, the child is straying on the wrong side of law or going against the principles of humanity, it is your duty as a parent to stand up and red flag that moment. But again, there are no guarantees that you will be heard or that your sane counsel will prevail. So, we come back to the same principle – suggest, advice and be done with it. Remember, in such cases, when you are not heard, you have not failed. It is just that your child’s learning curve is steeper!

I believe we can give our children only two things – roots, foundational values, on how Life can and must be lived and wings, freedom, so they can fly away. Why would you want to keep your child entrapped in your shadow? Why would you not let her or him just be, let her or him free, to fly away and touch the sky?

When frustrated, un-frustrate yourself

Ultimately, you cause your own frustrations.

However much you find reasons to justify what or who created a situation that makes you feel frustrated, in the end, the buck stops with you. And unless you decide to not feel frustrated with your situation – whether you invited it upon yourself or it was forced on you is immaterial – anymore, you will feel no better.

The other day we were locked out of our home. The lock of our front door had been acting cranky. I had even had a carpenter look at it. But when he advised an hour-long process to fix it, I sent him away saying, matter-of-factly, that we will deal with a “being locked out” crisis, when it arrived. And it did arrive. Around 10 pm on a Sunday; when it was raining! Sure enough, I was frustrated – with myself, with the lock, with the situation, and with my poor carpenter. 10 years ago, I would have blown my fuse, banged my fist on the wall and screamed hoarse. But after trying to deal with the lock for a few minutes I suggested to my family that we should go get some dinner before the restaurant nearby closed. Over dinner, we thought through our solutions and in about an hour we had found a locksmith who let us into our own apartment in three minutes!

There's no magical way to deal with frustrations. Everyone struggles. And that includes me. But one way, I have discovered for myself, that often helps in snapping out of a series of frustrating thoughts that torment you when things go wrong is to ask yourself, “What could I have done to avoid feeling frustrated?” As you can see, this question is not directed at taking on the blame for the situation nor is it a solution per se to the problem on hand. It is only focused on the aspect of how you are feeling – frustrated – at the moment and how to deal with that feeling. When you go to the root of that feeling, you will find that you could have responded differently to the situation which would have at least prevented you from feeling frustrated, helpless and despondent.

When you are in an un-frustrated state of mind, you begin to think more clearly, rationally and start addressing the problem on hand from a solution point of view rather than from a mere feeling or who-is-to-blame point of view!

‘Tis time for rebuilding, renewal and revival

Life is a great leveler. At times you don’t have much choice but to just go with the hand that you have been dealt with.     

A Facebook and WhatsApp forward that was shared by my friend caught my attention. Here’s what it had to say.

(The typos are as in the original!)

Photo Courtesy: PTI/Internet

“I am prassana venkatram working as a system analyst for an American software company in Chennai. Presently drawing 18 lakhs P.A. proud owner of a 3BHK in suburbs of Chennai. Today I have 2 credit cards with more than 1 lakh credit limit and a bank balance of 65 thousand in my account. But due to heavy water logging I am not able to move out my house, all I need is water and food for my survival. Till yesterday I was worried about my appraisal and was expecting at least 15% hike but today I am standing in my terrace waiting for a food packet.

Nature is the best teacher.”

Prassana’s candor makes the learning he shares very stark, real and relatable. At least those in Chennai, at the moment surely, can relate to what he says.

Another story I saw in this morning’s TOI threw up a similar learning. It narrated the experience of Deepika from Mudichur (a Chennai suburb) who had to keep her 77-year-old father’s dead body in her home because the floods prevented freezer boxes from reaching her and even if she had managed to secure one, the whole idea was rendered useless with the lack of electricity. She kept the body wrapped in a bedsheet for 2 full days and nights as she waited for the water recede – she lit incense sticks from time to time to keep the foul odor at bay. “My father deserved better,” Deepika told TOI.  

Deservance is an aspiration that all humans have. You work hard, you are ethical, you are well-meaning and so you expect Life to be fair to you. You often always think you deserve more than what you are getting from Life. And then Life deals you a hand, catching you totally by surprise, reminding you in the process that Life happens not because of you, but in spite of you. If you are wise you will humbly accept the learning Life offers you through such an experience and move on. It is when you miss the learning, and choose to instead resist the Life that’s happening to you, that you suffer!

Prassana’s and Deepika’s stories are just two among the several million that you can hear from Chennaiites just now. And all of them will point you in one – only one – direction…just take Life as it comes, accepting it for what it is.

But there are many who simply don’t get this; they don’t understand Life.

Even as the floods were marauding Chennai, a friend pinged me on Facebook messenger. He observed: “I hope there’s no financial loss for you.” He didn’t appear to be interested in knowing if my family and I were safe. My reply to him was: “I have nothing material with me to lose.” Which is indeed true! Our 8-year-old-and-enduring bankruptcy has left us literally without material possessions. The few “things” we have, we have learnt to be detached with them, about them. The lesson that Prassana learnt with the Chennai deluge, we learnt through our bankruptcy. And that is the most beautiful quality about Life as a teacher – she always gives you the test first and the lesson later! And what she teaches you, when you internalize the lessons, make centered, anchored and grounded.

Chennai is moving on. And everyone here will have to move on too. Because there is no other way. When Life takes over, you just go with the flow. In this case, the flow – literally, the water flow – is encouraging everyone to let go of all their material possessions and make a new beginning.

The message is simply this: don’t grieve over what’s past and what’s lost! Don’t crave for deservance! Just get up, rebuild, renew and revive yourself!

You get better at dealing with criticism with practice

Criticism can be debilitating only if you don’t know how to handle it. If you consider its constructive perspective and don’t dwell on who is criticizing, you can actually learn a lot from it – and improve yourself.

The best way to deal with criticism is the way you would deal with hot candle wax. First allow it to dry up. It is a lot easier to discard it and get it out of your system when it has become cold and stale. Understand also that criticism is just a review about an event or action that is over, past, dead and done away with. In the now, in the present, there is no issue. So, learn to let go and move on than dwelling in the past! Second, appreciate where the person who is critical of your actions is coming from. Even if the person is unjustified, rude, violent or cruel, understand that that person has a right to her or his view. It belongs to that person and does not belong to you __ even if it is about you. Third, understand the message that is being conveyed and see if you can learn from what is being said. Train your mind to respond with an exclamation__from awe, from wonder, from amazement__ that says “Is that so?” instead of responding with anger and violence while asking “How dare you?” Know that when you, even if it is only in your mind, question the other person’s right to opinionate, criticize, it is really your ego which is leading you. Refuse to follow. Turn your attention away. Learn to treat the whole experience like a game. Tell yourself: “Hey! Watch out! This situation, this comment, this person is provoking me. And my mind is urging me to fall prey, to succumb. Let me escape!” And each time you win, punch your fist up like a champion will. When you do succumb, do get dragged into the situation and when you emerge from it bruised and grieving, remind yourself to not fall prey again.

Like with all other games you have learned to play in Life, you get better and better at dealing with criticism with practice. Then, over a period of time, you will have mastered the art of being unmoved. All criticism, then, will just fall off you - like water falls off a duck’s back!

How do you pick yourself up when you have been felled by Life?

The only way forward from a crisis is to get up, gather yourself and move on. 

Many a time, Life deals with you in the most brutal ways. And before you know it you have been socked and have been left devastated with the turn of events. How do you pick yourself up when you have been felled by Life? Well, there are no easy ways in such a situation. You have to take Life as it comes, one day at a time, one step at a time.

When a tragedy or a crisis strikes you – death of a loved one, loss of business or money, a serious health challenge, a heart-wrenching break-up – you feel numbed by the event. All you are asking repeatedly is “why” and “why me”? But there are no answers to any questions in Life. So, you can spend time mourning and grieving – and feeling miserable – or you can move on. Now, there is no problem really with grief. It is after all a normal emotion that follows a loss. In fact, when you encounter grief, don’t try to suppress it. Allow it to rise within you. Feel the grief, hold it, let it hang around and watch it as it first rises and then recedes. When you suppress it, when you resist it, it will persist. But if you let it be, it will fade away. In the aftermath of a crisis, when the grief begins to subside, be aware and pick yourself up again. It will appear to be difficult initially. But when you choose to move on, it will happen more seamlessly than you can imagine.

For instance, just to cheer you up, when someone asks you out for a coffee or suggests a book or watching a movie, don’t say no. In the beginning it may appear that you are “indulging in being happy” while you need to be “clinging on to grief”. But allow yourself that indulgence. Don’t feel guilty. The truth is that your feeling sad is not going to undo your Life. In fact, nothing in Life can be undone. So, to move on, after you have been dealt a Life-changing blow, you must first be ready and willing, and then you must actually, physically, move. Moving on is not a feel-good philosophy, it involves a lot of practical, doable, must-do, actions.

But it all begins with believing that there is a lot of Life after a crisis. What you think is the end of the road, almost always, is the beginning of a new journey.  When you move on, when the scenery changes, as Life goes on, you will find that there is much more to Life than just clinging on to the dead past. 

“You are happy the moment you count your blessings”

‘The Happiness Road’ is a weekly Series on this Blog that appears on Sundays where I share my conversations with people while exploring their idea of happiness!

This Sunday I am in conversation with eminent Bharatanatyam dancer Chitra Visweswaran!

Chitra Visweswaran
Photo by Vaani Anand

The way Chitra Visweswaran communicates, both with her eyes and with the words she chooses, elevates your understanding of whatever she is saying to a higher level, almost instantaneously. Yet, for someone who is among India’s most acclaimed Bharatanatyam dancers, and a Padma Sri awardee too, Chitra is so simple, so grounded, very down-to-earth and evolved. “Life is an eternal journey of learning, a sadhana. We must learn to enjoy the journey more than getting worked up about the end. That, to me, is happiness,” she says as we sit down one afternoon to have a conversation over green tea in her tastefully decorated living room. 

Chitra Visweswaran
Photo by Vaani Anand

That journey, to Chitra, has been eventful. The world sees only a great artist in her, but beyond her dance, she’s among the most compassionate human beings you will ever meet and a doting sister. Her brother, Arun, is two years younger than she is. He was born normal. But when he was just three, he was struck by an ailment that impaired the development of his brain. Chitra herself was young and did not then comprehend the import of how Arun – and her family – will have to cope with this lifelong situation. But when they were both adolescents, Chitra came to the realization that Arun will never be normal again. She was overwhelmed and grief-stricken. Arun’s condition often made him turn violent. And Chitra had to face the brunt of his uninformed rage on many occasions. Their mother, Rukmini, helped Chitra cope. “She ensured I didn’t wilt under sorrow. I was, at that time, unsure of what I wanted to do in Life. My father wanted me to be an engineer. I was good at singing. I also loved dancing. But my mother helped me find focus. She said to me, ‘You are an okay singer. But you are a brilliant dancer.’ And that got me started. My rigorous training as a dancer helped me come to terms with Arun’s condition and our Life,” recalls Chitra.

Rukmini also taught Chitra something that has remained at the core of all her Life’s work. “She told me never to dance for fame or name, but to dance, offering myself to the Universe, offering my dance as a prayer,” says Chitra.

As she evolved in Life, and as she rose in her career, Chitra began to value her mother’s perspective greatly. “I don’t think we must limit this ‘your work is prayer’ philosophy to dance alone. I have learnt from Life that whatever you do, if you do it as an offering to a higher energy, immersing yourself in it, it will be your prayer. ‘Doing’ this prayer consistently is what happiness is all about. You could be cleaning cobwebs, or cooking, or gardening or you could be a teacher, a doctor, a lawyer or…a dancer, whoever you are, whatever you do, immerse yourself in what you are doing, and you will be happy,” explains Chitra.

How does she cope with her lows – especially with her soul-mate R.Visweswaran’s passing in 2007? “Viswesh was my best friend and my partner at work. I surely experienced a great vacuum. My guru, Mathaji Vithamma, took me away to her ashram, where she encouraged me to just dance to myself at the altar of the Maha Meru. I simply surrendered there, through my dance. It took several weeks. But I healed,” shares Chitra, adding, “The key to being happy is to stay anchored, stay detached and to love what you do.”

Arun joins us for a while. As he sips his coffee, Chitra tells me: “He can’t speak. He can’t express himself. Surely he has questions. He must be having so many opinions on what’s going on around him and so much to say about himself. Yet, he understands his limitations. He is accepting of them. He’s also very clear about what he wants and what he doesn’t want. And he is content with what he has, the way he is. He is happy.”

That perspective which Chitra has to offer, as a learning from Arun’s Life, sums up why some of us are unhappy or are still ‘searching’ for happiness. Chitra distils that learning further: “The key is to realize that until you learn to count your blessings, you will be unhappy. I am happy the way my Life is. In the time that I have left here, I want to continue to share of myself and of my art, to the best of my ability.”

Few can share Life’s lessons more humbly and gracefully than the way Chitra has. Perhaps such humility and grace comes from choosing to see Life the way it truly is – as an eternal blessing!  

Do you really need to carry that excess baggage?

All of us fellow voyagers in Life are traveling with far too much excess baggage than what we really need.

There are three forms of excess baggage we saddle our lives with:

1.     Emotional Baggage: Memories pertaining to past hurts, insults, events, experiences. Some of these are heart-wrenching and keep our spirit nailed causing deep anguish, pain and untold suffering.

2.     Physical Baggage: More than 50 % of the stuff that fills our homes__furniture to clothes to documents to kitchenware to shoes to display-ware__are the ones we have not used in months and, most often, in years. So, our homes are overloaded with ‘waste’ which can be useful for others when given away.

3.     Baggage that never was and that never may well be: This is the baggage of worry and anxiety. Of things and events that you fear will happen to you and because of which you are unable to live free and in the moment!

All three forms of excess baggage must be set down to travel in peace. The second form, the physical baggage, may still be reconcilable. As in, if you have a large living space, you can afford to accumulate, save or hoard the stuff that you don’t always use. Even so, Vaani and I follow a simple principle: we don’t hold on to anything – anything – that we have not used for over 6 months, except our passports! But the baggage falling in categories 1 and 3 are just not worth carrying. In a way, Life is pretty much like an airline company. You sure do end up paying a heavy price for traveling with heavy, excess baggage! In a Life context, that price is the inability to live in and experience the magic of the present moment, of the now!

All that you need to live is what you have in the now. Ask yourself what past memories are causing an inexplicable heaviness in you? Ask yourself what worries take your mind away from attending to the now? Burn your heaviness away by giving the present all your attention. Make a call, give a hug, simply forgive__do whatever that will bring you into the present. Stop worrying about what will or may happen in the future. Life is here and never in the future, just as it is not in the past! Most important, learn, and keep relearning, to offload all your baggage and travel light. You will then not only travel smart, but travel far too!

If someone has a problem with you, whose problem is it?

If someone sees you as their problem, it is, seriously, their problem – not yours!

A friend called me to share how his brother has been making Life miserable for him in their family business. Although a formal separation has been gone through between them, my friend’s brother is insinuating and charging his sibling with transgressions and non-compliance. “I have no problem with him. And I have no problem with the share of the business that I have been left with to manage. I feel very disturbed that my brother has a problem with me,” lamented my friend.

Now, this could be anybody’s story. People often have problems with other people. And if you happen to be, like my friend, with whom someone has a problem, you too may want to learn to simply ignore it. What can you do if someone has a problem with you? At best you can hear their point of view and if there’s something to learn, something to unlearn and something to change in you, you can go to work on it. But what if someone continues to have a problem with you despite your best efforts and intentions to appease them? More important, what if you are someone’s problem – not what you do or what you don’t do? Well, the most sensible response must be to shrug off that viewpoint saying ‘too bad’ and move on. It is when you lack that discerning ability, and instead grieve over why you are being perceived wrongly, that you suffer.

When you grieve and suffer over such inconsequential opinions, you sometimes end up becoming a problem for yourself. And that’s such a sad thing to happen. So, develop a more evolved and mature view of Life. You can only control what you think and do. You cannot control what others think and do. So, if someone’s insists on having a problem with you, let them have the pleasure of keeping it that way! Why work overtime to displease or dissatisfy them?

“I love whatever I do and I do whatever I love”

‘The Happiness Road’ is a weekly Series on this Blog that appears on Sundays where I share my conversations with people while exploring their idea of happiness!

This Sunday I feature industrialist Suresh Krishna, Chairman & Managing Director of Sundram Fasteners!

Suresh Krishna - Photo by Vaani Anand

Suresh Krishna’s office reflects his state of mind – clean, calm and content. A large wall-sized window behind him that lights up the room naturally. And a clean, squeaky clean desk – there’s nothing on it. The man himself is as happy and content as he was when I had last met him 20 years ago. I ask him if there’s a secret to his being able to manage his Rs.3150 Crore company Sundram Fasteners, and his Life, so efficiently. “Oh! There’s no secret,” he says smiling and waving his hand as if to dismiss any suggestions of a feat being accomplished, and adds, “I just delegate very well. I love whatever I do and do whatever I love.”

Krishna makes it all sound so easy. Sundram Fasteners will be 50 years old in 2016. In all this time, there has been no labor unrest in the company, and it is unequivocally regarded as a torch-bearer for world-class quality in Indian industry. Krishna, 79, however does not count either of these measures as achievements. He says, “When I look back, I feel blessed that we have been able to raise the standard of living of our 20,000 employees and their families. Our quality focus, our value system of transparency, our work culture – all these are mere tools. What makes me really happy is that our people are leading wholesome lives.”

Suresh Krishna - Photo by Vaani Anand

Some people go do what they love doing. Some start off doing stuff to earn a living and then drop it to go do what they love. But Krishna’s someone who simply finds a way to love whatever he does. He says he has inherited his mother Ambujam Krishna’s genes; he showed great interest in music, painting and poetry as a child. He was naturally inclined to the arts and humanities. So, when he decided to drop his Master’s in chemical engineering after the second semester at the University of Wisconsin in the US and instead opted to study German literature there, his family was not surprised. “I enjoyed literature for its own sake. I had no ambitions to do anything with it,” he clarifies. When he came back to India, he was drafted into the family business and was invited to independently set up Sundram Fasteners. “I knew nothing about nuts and bolts. But I learned fast. As I gained experience, I realized that what I loved doing until then – literature, music, arts – and the process of building a company – what I was learning to do – both were means to spiritual enrichment. Whether it is listening to music or reviewing manufacturing, the resonance from both sides to me is the same. There has to be quality in both. And being qualitative, I discovered, is my inner joy, my idea of happiness,” says Krishna.

To Krishna’s credit, he does not even count on his work and Life philosophy as something unique. He states, with evident humility and gratitude, “I have been so lucky. There are so many blessings in my Life. I have never experienced poverty, never experienced ill health, I never had to live in a refugee camp or be homeless; and I live in Chennai, where I feel secure and don’t have to worry about a terrorist attack. It is because of all these blessings that that I have been able to focus on what I have done as a business leader.” He then leans forward and adds emphatically, “You know what? If we stop focusing on the trivial problems that confront us on a day-to-day basis and start counting our blessings, we will all be happy – instantaneously!”

Krishna says his father taught him, early on, the value of being content. “He used to tell me that you can’t wear two shirts or ride in two cars at the same time. Besides, he helped me realize that we are born with nothing and will go with nothing. So, it was through his perspectives that I learned not to take Life too seriously. I don’t work for more than 10 hours a day. In fact, no one can work efficiently if they work any longer – it doesn’t matter if you are leading a small Rs.10 Lakh business or a large Rs.10,000 Crore empire. To be happy, you must work smart.”

Leading people, setting, achieving and maintaining stringent world-class quality standards, building an institution – all these evidently contribute to Krishna’s happiness quotient. But his greatest asset is his understanding of his happiness. For instance, he creates time in his schedules to immerse himself in poetry because he loves the art of “putting words together”. He has recently completed a year-long exploration of the poetic, linguistic and spiritual nuances of the “Thiruppavai”. He has also written 50 poems in English but says he will never publish them: “I wrote them because I felt happy writing them. That happiness is deeply personal. It is matchless and priceless.”

It is this ability to go do all that which makes him happy that makes Krishna so successful, so happy and so content. This ability does not come with age alone, it comes from a deep understanding of the true nature of Life.

Let go and let your child simply be!

An integral part of parenting is having honest conversations with your child.

The internet is agog with the story of Heidi Johnson, alias Estella, a single parent, who wrote a letter to her 13-year-old son Aaron. There is nothing new in this parent-child skirmish – it is played out in every home at some point or the other. Except in Aaron’s case, his mother decided to teach him a lesson on “his choice of wanting to be independent” by threating to charge him for rent, internet and electricity. Estella posted her “offer”, that was contained in a hand-written note to Aaron, on facebook. She was reacting to her son’s statement to her that he was now “earning money” and hence was beyond her “control”. Estella said she was open to this arrangement, and refused to accept being treated like a room-mate and a door-mat, provided, Aaron paid for some of their living expenses. She concluded her note with a beautiful open-to-negotiate sign-off: “If you decide you would rather be MY CHILD again instead of a roommate, we can negotiate terms.”

The letter went viral and has generated over a 100,000 likes and 200,000 shares. There have been people in favor of Estella’s stand and there are those who are both criticizing and critiquing it. The verdict is clearly polarized.

In my opinion, Estella makes a valid point. She says, if you want to behave like an adult, who claims to know everything, then let’s talk business. And I don’t think she’s wrong with this approach. Yes, did Estella have to post her letter on facebook – well, that’s debatable. Even so, she has clarified that she never thought her note, which she had intended only for her family and close friends to see, would ever go viral.

Having honest conversations with your child is an integral part of parenting. It is a responsibility. The way to have these conversations is to be unemotional. And this is where Estella’s communication scores. More often than not, parents communicate asserting emotional authority or with the all-too-predictable I-know-it-all logic. Or they are dismissive of a child’s desire for independence, exploration, adventure or privacy with a how-dare-you attitude. Fundamentally, all parents must recognize that their children are thinking, feeling, independent, individuals. They have a mind of their own. They need not be inclined to live their parents lives – be it by way of values or opinions or outlook or relationships or careers. Yes, it is a parent’s responsibility to inspire and inculcate humane and ethical values in a child. But beyond that the parent cannot expect the child to follow those values to the “T”. Even so, surely, when there is a divergence between what a parent expects and what a child does, the parent has to sit the child down and have a candid chat. But that’s where it must end. If the child still wants to do things her or his way, the parent has to let go. Clinging on to your parental view or fighting the child’s choice is bound to create avoidable friction and often has the potential to turn the child into a rebel.

The only way you – and I – have learnt in Life is from experience. This is the only way your child too will learn. The experiences will vary in context and intensity. But the learnings are often very similar. So, let go and let your child simply be. Be a good parent, have an honest conversation, but beyond that expect nothing. If your child takes your advice, well, pat yourself for a job well done. If your child does not take your advice, and decides to go her or his way, then simply wish your child well. This is the best way to retain your sanity and inner peace.