“Is it too late now to say ‘Sorry’?” No. Never!

A friend posed this question: Is the English word ‘sorry’ adequate to repair a relationship or heal a wounded heart – especially when you have caused the hurt, and want to repent, redeem and rebuild?

The simple answer is that as long as you feel sorry, genuinely sorry, and the feeling is arising from within your inner core, it doesn’t really matter what language you use. Language is just a medium of expression. It is the feeling that matters the most. And feeling sorry requires you to be brutally honest with yourself: you must drop all analysis, justification and judgment. When you have realized that you messed up, just own the accountability for what has happened and apologize. Period.

But willingness to apologize is often accompanied by two more, often debilitating, emotions: grief over what happened; and guilt over how you have contributed to what has happened. I have learnt that anyone genuinely repenting a mistake often gets caught between grief and guilt. You begin to ask yourself the same question that my friend has posed – is saying ‘sorry’ adequate? This is when you should refuse to hold on to the grief and guilt for too long. Yet don’t resist the grief or the guilt – it will then persist. Instead, examine your grief and guilt. See the futility of holding on to them. Forgive yourself for your indiscretion or transgression or misdemeanor and move on. Chances are you will be forgiven by the party that you hurt. Chances are you may not or never be forgiven. Remember – you can never control another person’s thoughts or actions. Whatever be the other party’s stand, be clear that you must forgive yourself – only this can restore your inner peace.

I have talked about my experiences with feeling genuinely sorry, and overcoming grief and guilt, in several contexts, in my Book “Fall Like A Rose Petal” (Westland, 2014). One incident that I haven’t shared so far, however, pertains to a conversation that I once had, many years ago, with my dad in the lobby of Hotel Connemara in Chennai.

I have for long had a poor chemistry with my mother. On one occasion, the acrimony between my mother and I was really suffocating. I wanted to somehow try and force her to see reason and consider my point of view. So, I decided to talk to my dad in private, hoping to involve him in communicating with my mother on my behalf. We met at the hotel lobby and sat there for over an hour. I first shared what I wanted to. My dad did not say anything. He was just silent. I implored him, then I tried cajoling him, then I threatened him – demanding that he commit to telling my mother to “change her ways”. But my dad was deadpan. He continued to remain silent. In that entire hour, only I spoke – pleadingly, menacingly, softly, loudly. He never uttered a word. When I realized that this approach was not working out, in utter frustration, I blamed my dad by way of wrapping up the monologue and by way of a summary: “Appa, you are a vegetable (I used a stronger, stinging word by way of an aphorism but will not quote it here); if you had put Amma in her place long ago, there would have been peace and we would not have such a fractious environment in the family.” My words must have stung and I am sure my dad was hurt. But he said nothing. He just wiped his eyes, smiled at me, got up and walked away. Years later, perhaps on account of the spiritual awakening that I have had, I realized that the only way for me to handle the relationship I (don’t) have with my mother is to be both silent and distant. I concluded that she just cannot change; or see reason; at least in matters concerning me! When this realization dawned on me, I could not help but agree with my dad’s approach of employing stoic silence. I felt ashamed, angry, guilty and grief-stricken for the way in which I had hurt my dad. The hurt lingered on in me for a long time – until one day, I apologized to him in person. Again he said nothing. He just smiled back.

‘Sorry’ may seem like one word but involves a lot of hard work. This is what must be fundamentally understood: Do you genuinely feel the apology that you want to offer? Are you willing to first face and then let go of the grief and guilt that may arrive with your saying sorry? Can you accept a situation where you can live with lack of clarity on whether you have been forgiven or not? And unlike what Canadian singer Justin Bieber wonders in his recent chart-topping single ‘Sorry’, it is never too late to say a sorry. If you feel it, simply say it. And, no matter what follows, just forget about it! 

Life's too short...so, “move on” when you can!

I had an interesting experience yesterday. A certain institution, a not-for-profit service provider, who have laid down some very stringent processes for them to be able to run a world-class operation, decided not to allow me to use their services. Apparently, I had failed to fulfil some of their requirements. The service was time-bound and had to be  delivered today (Wednesday morning IST). A senior management member from the service provider’s side sent me a strong email saying they could not deliver me their service because of my inability to have met/fulfilled certain criteria. While accepting their verdict, I told them that I failed to see why they were inflexible. The gentleman got back saying while they were flexible with certain ‘genuine’ cases, they were unwilling to be so with me. He wondered if I would, despite this one time, want to continue to avail of their services. I wrote back a mail saying Life is too short to be breaking up over what they saw as ‘a non-negotiable’ process and what I saw as an ‘inanity’. I wrote why I felt my case was genuine – not so much to influence the service provider’s stance but to merely explain mine! Even so, I offered to continue to avail of their services going forward. The mails between us were officious and terse, with both of us using impeccable English – making the exchange more dramatic than it should have been. After the last mail from me was sent, I forgot about the issue and moved on with other things to do on my plate.

By early evening though, the gentleman who had been corresponding with me, wrote back. He apologized for his stance and felt, after reading my last mail, that my case was indeed genuine. And that he would advise his team to deliver the service that I had requested. He went a step further and called me up. By the time his call came in, I had just finished reading his mail. I answered his call saying I was very grateful for his understanding and deeply appreciative of his offer to provide us with his institution’s service. He said: “Please don’t deify anyone or anything beyond what is necessary. I would like to apologize for what happened. Let us move on.”

Being a not-for-profit organization, that was offering a service which was rare, there was no way I was going to make them accountable for their stance. So, there really was no need for the gentleman to do any of the following:

    

          - Review my case
    - Accept that, despite my non-compliance of their process, there may have been an ‘error in
       judgment’
    - Apologize
    - Pick up the phone and ensure (through that one call he achieved what half-a-dozen emails
      could not) that a bond was built
    - Offer to provide the service  

To be sure, the fault was also mine – owing to a set of circumstances that I was caught in, I was unable to fulfil certain criteria that anyone seeking their service must. Through the gentleman’s conduct, and this experience, I learnt, yet again, the power of “moving on”.

A lot of the time, a lot of people, cling to positions, stances, opinions, that their ego drives them to take. Once on that ego-driven perch, reason fails to apply. Empathy fails to matter. And the ‘I-am-right’ view holds sway. It takes a lot of courage and conviction to climb down from such a stance, accept a mistake and “move on”.

Think of the number of times you have been driven to taking such stances. Perhaps you are still clinging on to such positions. Review your actions and ask yourself if you can really “move on”. If you believe you can, just climb down, own up your mistake and let go of your big, fat ego. Life is short…so, “move on” when you can! Your world will be a much more beautiful and happier place than it is presently!