Reflections on ‘Aashirwad’, Rajesh Khanna and the essence of the Bhagavad Gita

Everything is impermanent. Everything, including your own body, will soon perish.

The TOI story 

A story in the Times of India this morning on the demolition of Rajesh Khanna’s erstwhile bungalow, ‘Aashirwad’, on Mumbai’s tony Carter Road, got me to pause and reflect.

The property’s new owner is bringing down the bungalow to redevelop the estate and construct a new building. The bungalow is iconic for many reasons: Rajesh asked for an advance from noted Tamil producer Sandow Chinnappa Devar, which came in the form of Rs.5 Lakh in cash in a suitcase, for buying the bungalow from actor Rajendra Kumar; Devar in turn signed-up Rajesh for ‘Haathi Mere Saathi’ but Rajesh wanted the script re-written and entrusted the project to Salim-Javed; so, in effect, ‘Haathi Mere Saathi’ became the first film that the writer-duo got joint credit – and payment – for! The truth is that had Rajesh not wanted to buy that bungalow, he may not have done ‘Haathi Mere Saathi’ and had he not done the film, Salim-Javed would not be the legends they are today! The film ‘Haathi Mere Saathi’ also marked a critical, upward, inflection point in Rajesh Khanna’s rise to superstardom – the first in Bollywood!

‘Aashirwad’ was also home to many of Rajesh’s relationships – the more known among them being the one with Dimple Kapadia, who he also married; the one with Tina Munim; and, in his later years, the one with his live-in partner Anita Advani. It was on the terrace of this bungalow that, according to a close friend and film journalist Ali Peter John, Rajesh Khanna in a state of drunken stupor, envious and enraged over the aura of Amitabh Bachchan that had taken over the Hindi film industry, looked up at the sky and howled: “Oh God, why me?” So, ‘Aashirwad’ has seen a lot – it has seen success, superstardom, relationships, break-ups, failures and falls. Maybe many, many, more untold tales lay hidden within ‘Aashirwad’. But now ‘Aashirwad’ is gone. Reduced to dust. Just as the superstar who once proudly lived in it has since long been reduced to dust.

When I read the story of the bungalow’s demolition, it struck me that ‘Aashirwad’ was but a metaphor. All our stories will end up that way too – as dust! I remembered how, when our Firm’s fortunes came crashing down, and we had to close down and vacate our office, I physically shredded each of our key statements of intent – our Purpose, Vision and Values statements. It was a numbing, cathartic moment for me. This was a Firm that I had dreamt of becoming a global icon in the consulting space, this was a Firm that my wife and I had grown with love and passion, yet, it had been reduced to nothing – and as it lay defunct, lifeless, it, eerily so, appeared that I was performing its last rites that day in 2012.

As I sipped my filter coffee, and brought my attention back to the ‘Aashirwad’ story in today’s TOI, I reflected on the essence of the Bhagavad Gita:

Whatever happened, it happened well.

Whatever is happening, it is happening well.

Whatever will happen, it will also happen well.

What of yours did you lose?

Why or for what are you crying?

What did you bring with you, for you to lose it?

What did you create, for it to be wasted or destroyed?

Whatever you took, it was taken from here.

Whatever you gave, it was given from here.

Whatever is yours today, will belong to someone else tomorrow.

On another day, it will belong to yet another.

This change is the Law of the Universe.

I believe intelligent living is about pausing and imbibing this learning. Nothing belongs to us. Everything and everyone will be gone some day – including you and me! Clinging on to material possessions and stances and opinions is a total waste of energy and precious time. If we review our lives closely, deeply, we will find that all our insecurities and strife comes from whatever we are clinging on to. The moment you let go of whatever is possessing you, consuming you – a habit or a position or an object or a person or a relationship – you are liberated. You are free. It is only when you are free that you can experience Life – and its magic and beauty – fully!

Every ordeal is an opportunity to evolve and awaken

How do you survive the onslaught of Life when everything that you thought was yours is taken away from you?

Where do you re-start Life from when you are left in the cold - helpless, hapless, battered, and bruised by Life’s blows? What do you do when you have nothing material left anymore with you other than perhaps the clothes you are wearing?

Some people have the support of their families and some don’t at such times. Either way, sometimes Life’s situations may be so numbing that there as only questions and no answers!

You may at various times in your Life have braved many a storm or perhaps may be going through one just now. When you sit back and think about the Life you have, you will realize that there is no other way to live Life than to accept what is, no matter what it is.

Here are simple tips based on lessons (also chronicled in ‘Fall Like A Rose Petal’; Westland, 2014) I have learned in my rather eventful Life so far:

1.     Accept the reality that you are in the throes of a crisis. Don’t resist the situation. Don’t wish that it didn’t exist. Simply accept it. Acceptance always delivers inner peace.

2.     Focus not on the strength of the storm but on your true self. Know that the storm will always be strong. It will be menacing. It will threaten to destroy you. By even thinking of its ferocity, you are only going to feel debilitated. So, focus on your inner self. Just mindfully watching your breathing can help. When you are mindful, always, you will find calm and inner peace. From that calm, you will gain strength.

3.     Always ask this simple question which can often lead you to profound answers: “Given the situation I am faced with, what is the best thing I can do to make things better for everyone concerned?” Employ key criteria for choosing what action you can take out of many possible options that may follow the question: your action must always be positive, constructive and ethical.

4.     In particularly complex Life situations which can often dog you for months and years, it is worthwhile to revisit Tip # 3 on a daily basis and choose your daily actions only basis those criteria.

5.     No matter how intense it is, no storm lasts forever. All storms have to pass. So, this one too shall pass. Just remember that.

This may seem too simplistic for you to even believe it works. But this is the only way it works __ no matter what you are faced with! Life’s challenges come in different shapes and sizes, in the form of storms of varying intensities. We cannot stop the storms because we don’t have the controls to Life’s mechanisms in our hand. But our facing each of them with humility, with faith and patience, can convert any ordeal into an opportunity to evolve and awaken!

To find strength in a storm, move to the center

As long as we are relating to external – often material and physical – reference points, we will not find inner peace.

People sometimes tell me that while they find the ‘philosophy’ advocating staying anchored and calm to be indeed powerful, in reality, they wonder if it is really possible to escape the ‘tyranny of everyday Life’. As in, everyone wakes up with the resolve to face Life and its challenges stoically, but they end up succumbing to the pulls and pressures of people and events. A friend recently told me, “If you can claim to be untouched by Life’s challenges, then you must also claim that you are God.”

I must confess, just to clarify, that I make no claims. In sharing my daily learnings here on this Blog, I am simply sharing. If it makes sense to them, some people draw some inferences from it. If it doesn’t, they read it and trash it. But one thing is for sure – I don’t share anything here that I have not experienced or learnt first-hand. And one of my key takeaways from Life is that it is indeed possible to live in this world, and yet be above it! Provided you are anchored and have found your center.

Osho used to tell a story of a Zen Master who was invited as a guest by someone. A few friends had gathered and they were listening intently to the Master when suddenly there was an earthquake.

The building that they were sitting in was a seven-storey building, and they were on the seventh storey. Naturally, they all feared for their lives and ran. Everybody tried to escape. The host, running down, paused, and came back to see what had happened to the Master. He was sitting still, on the floor, on the mat, with not even a ripple of anxiety on his face.

With closed eyes he was sitting just as he had been sitting before.

The host felt a little guilty. He felt cowardly. It does not look good when a guest is sitting while the host is running away. The others, the guests, had already gone down the stairs but he stopped himself although he was trembling with fear, and he too sat down by the side of the Master.

The earthquake came and went in a matter of a few minutes. Once the tremors and rumblings stopped, the Master opened his eyes and resumed his discourse which he had had to stop because of the earthquake. He began again at exactly the same sentence – as if the earthquake had not happened at all!

The host was now in no mood to listen, he was in no mood to understand because his whole being was so troubled and he was so afraid. Even though the earthquake was over, he was still in shock, in fear. He said: “Now please don’t say anything because I will not be able to grasp it, I’m not myself anymore. The earthquake has disturbed me. But there is one question I would like to ask. All other guests had escaped, I was also running down the stairs, when suddenly I remembered you. Seeing you sitting here with closed eyes, sitting so undisturbed, so unperturbed, I felt a little cowardly – I am the host, I should not run. So I came back and I have been sitting by your side. I would like to ask one question. We all tried to escape. What happened to you? How’s it that you did not feel like running?”

The Master said: “I also ran, but you ran outwardly while I escaped inwardly. Your escape is useless because wherever you are going there too is an earthquake, so it is meaningless, it makes no sense. You may reach the sixth storey or the fifth or the fourth, but there too is an earthquake. I escaped to a point within me where no earthquake ever reaches, cannot reach. I entered my center.”

This story is the essence of Zen.

It means that when you reach your center, nothing can affect you. No external event or development, in fact, no one can touch you. Your center has been, is, and will be with you. It is in you. In your center, you will find both perpetual happiness and inner peace. Even if you are physically in shackles, if you are anchored, centered, no one can take away your inner peace or make you unhappy. Know that only you yourself are responsible for your peace and inner joy.

I have shared many experiences of how I have been learning (to be sure, I am still a learner) to live in this world and yet be above it in my Book ‘Fall Like A Rose Petal’ (Westland, August 2014). Through these experiences I have come to believe that everyday Life is hardly tyrannical. To find strength in a storm, move to the center, to the eye of the storm, it is always calm there! If you learn to go within (through any practice of daily meditation or observing silence periods) you too can remain untouched by whatever happens outside of you! 

Let go and let Life take over!

Please Note: This Blog will continue to feature my daily blogposts. In addition, on Sundays, public holidays and long weekends, I will feature The Happiness Road Series and my #HelpYourselfToHappiness Vlog Series!

Here's today's blogpost - not posting a Vlog today, though it is a Sunday!!

Life never lets you down. You always get what you need.

A major part of today was spent in clearing papers and documents that had got accumulated over the last 7~8 years – this is the time that we have been going through a bankruptcy, acute pennilessness at most times. Some of this documentation had to do with our medical records as a family. A substantial chunk also dealt with the under-grad education of our two children Aashirwad and Aanchal. Aash graduated with an Economics degree from the University of Chicago in 2012. And Aanch graduated last year from the University of Madras with a degree in Psychology – today, in fact, was her graduation day ceremony! As Vaani and I worked on the papers, separating them chronologically and subject-wise, we saw a beautiful pattern emerge. We realized that everything that we needed has always come to – perhaps not in the form we were expecting it to come, but it always came, often in the nick of time!

As we organized the papers, we revisited some of the most painful and stressful times we had gone through as a family. The fortnight prior to Aash’s graduation – I have elaborated this story in my Book “Fall Like A Rose Petal” (Westland, 2014); the week of Aanch’s admission to her under-grad program; the repeated times we had defaulted on fee payments; and the number of times our children have come close to being placed under suspension because of their tuition fee accounts being overdue….these scenarios played out vividly in front of our eyes. The replay left us humbled and overwhelmed. We realized that our children have made it through college – not because of us, but despite our grave financial circumstances; because Life willed it so, because of the kindness that people around us have showered on us as a family.

When Vaani and I came together in 1987 – we married in 1989 – we shared a common vision for our family. It was a beautiful dream, that brought alive in our minds the spirit of this song from Tapasya (1976, Anil Ganguly, Parikshit Sahni, Raakhee, Kishore Kumar, Aarti Mukherjee, Ravindra Jain, M.G.Hashmat). 

But when the bankruptcy arrived in December 2007, our dream lay shattered in smithereens. Aash had just then secured admission to the prestigious University of Chicago. Aanch was getting into High School. How would we put them through college? How would we fulfil their aspirations? Where will the money for their fees come from? These and more nerve-wracking questions would consume me and Vaani on a daily basis. To be sure, we came up with no answers. But each question placed us on the horns of a painful dilemma every single time. Should we go the way Life is taking us – in the direction of letting go, and letting Life take over – or should we go our way, humanly trying to solve and control an unsolvable, uncontrollable, money problem? I have no logical, rational explanations to offer why we chose the way we went. But we certainly felt flowing with Life more meaningful. So, we let go, and went with where Life took us. At our dining table this morning, as we sorted those papers, we discovered how compassionately, how beautifully, Life had arranged for the education and graduation of our children. Each time, when we came to the edge of a precipice, with regard to their college dues, a messiah arrived in our Life, a helping hand showed up and we were hoisted up – and Aash and Aanch made it to their next academic terms.

Japanese writer Haruki Murakami has said: “Whatever it is you are seeking won’t come in the form you are expecting.” I totally agree with him. But there’s something I would like to add, from our experience, to this perspective. Which is, Life may often never give you what you want. Yet it gives you what you need, not the way you think you need it, but the way Life thinks you need it. So, while all our human plans, projections and methods to somehow get Aash and Aanch to graduate existed in theory, on paper, and in our fervent prayer to Life, the way they have got past their individual under-grad programs is purely the way Life has willed it.

Vaani and I believe the best way to live is to live in a let go! Make your plans, put in your efforts. But let go of expectations, let go of wants, and let the magic of Life happen. When you do this, and let Life take over, you too will discover that Life’s indeed compassionate – you always get what you need! 

“Is it too late now to say ‘Sorry’?” No. Never!

A friend posed this question: Is the English word ‘sorry’ adequate to repair a relationship or heal a wounded heart – especially when you have caused the hurt, and want to repent, redeem and rebuild?

The simple answer is that as long as you feel sorry, genuinely sorry, and the feeling is arising from within your inner core, it doesn’t really matter what language you use. Language is just a medium of expression. It is the feeling that matters the most. And feeling sorry requires you to be brutally honest with yourself: you must drop all analysis, justification and judgment. When you have realized that you messed up, just own the accountability for what has happened and apologize. Period.

But willingness to apologize is often accompanied by two more, often debilitating, emotions: grief over what happened; and guilt over how you have contributed to what has happened. I have learnt that anyone genuinely repenting a mistake often gets caught between grief and guilt. You begin to ask yourself the same question that my friend has posed – is saying ‘sorry’ adequate? This is when you should refuse to hold on to the grief and guilt for too long. Yet don’t resist the grief or the guilt – it will then persist. Instead, examine your grief and guilt. See the futility of holding on to them. Forgive yourself for your indiscretion or transgression or misdemeanor and move on. Chances are you will be forgiven by the party that you hurt. Chances are you may not or never be forgiven. Remember – you can never control another person’s thoughts or actions. Whatever be the other party’s stand, be clear that you must forgive yourself – only this can restore your inner peace.

I have talked about my experiences with feeling genuinely sorry, and overcoming grief and guilt, in several contexts, in my Book “Fall Like A Rose Petal” (Westland, 2014). One incident that I haven’t shared so far, however, pertains to a conversation that I once had, many years ago, with my dad in the lobby of Hotel Connemara in Chennai.

I have for long had a poor chemistry with my mother. On one occasion, the acrimony between my mother and I was really suffocating. I wanted to somehow try and force her to see reason and consider my point of view. So, I decided to talk to my dad in private, hoping to involve him in communicating with my mother on my behalf. We met at the hotel lobby and sat there for over an hour. I first shared what I wanted to. My dad did not say anything. He was just silent. I implored him, then I tried cajoling him, then I threatened him – demanding that he commit to telling my mother to “change her ways”. But my dad was deadpan. He continued to remain silent. In that entire hour, only I spoke – pleadingly, menacingly, softly, loudly. He never uttered a word. When I realized that this approach was not working out, in utter frustration, I blamed my dad by way of wrapping up the monologue and by way of a summary: “Appa, you are a vegetable (I used a stronger, stinging word by way of an aphorism but will not quote it here); if you had put Amma in her place long ago, there would have been peace and we would not have such a fractious environment in the family.” My words must have stung and I am sure my dad was hurt. But he said nothing. He just wiped his eyes, smiled at me, got up and walked away. Years later, perhaps on account of the spiritual awakening that I have had, I realized that the only way for me to handle the relationship I (don’t) have with my mother is to be both silent and distant. I concluded that she just cannot change; or see reason; at least in matters concerning me! When this realization dawned on me, I could not help but agree with my dad’s approach of employing stoic silence. I felt ashamed, angry, guilty and grief-stricken for the way in which I had hurt my dad. The hurt lingered on in me for a long time – until one day, I apologized to him in person. Again he said nothing. He just smiled back.

‘Sorry’ may seem like one word but involves a lot of hard work. This is what must be fundamentally understood: Do you genuinely feel the apology that you want to offer? Are you willing to first face and then let go of the grief and guilt that may arrive with your saying sorry? Can you accept a situation where you can live with lack of clarity on whether you have been forgiven or not? And unlike what Canadian singer Justin Bieber wonders in his recent chart-topping single ‘Sorry’, it is never too late to say a sorry. If you feel it, simply say it. And, no matter what follows, just forget about it! 

Why forsake your freedom for someone else’s folly?

Some people you meet in Life will be cantankerous, scheming and unethical to the core. Let them be.

Recently someone we know worked in a despicable manner against our interest. It was hurting to see how we were treated and how our self-esteem was trampled upon. We did not protest. We did not whine. We did not rant. We did not fight. We merely exited from the relationship.

10 years ago, I would have kicked up a ruckus. I would have fought. I would have wanted to get even. I would have pushed hard to justify ourselves. I remember during one ghastly episode (which I have shared in my Book “Fall Like A Rose Petal”) with an unethical client, in 2003, I launched a 45-minute tirade against the CFO of the client’s company over the phone. It was a monologue – only I spoke, actually, I howled non-stop for those 45 minutes! When I was tired and done, and could bawl no more, the gentleman at the other end of the line calmly said, “Never waste your energy banging your head against a wall, AVIS. Not worth it.” But I did not heed his sage counsel. I threatened him and his company of dire consequences. For weeks on end, I tried to pursue options to sue them in international courts (they are an MNC). It was very late in the day when I realized I had I wasted precious time and inner peace on a dead cause.

Mercifully, I am not that way anymore. This is what Life has taught me: People will be who they are. And what they do to you, need not__and must not__change the way you deal with them. A common response we, good, ethical, warm and kind folks, have to such people is that we become depressive or angry or vengeful. This only creates more negative energy in us. And that, you will agree, is simply not worth inviting into your Life!

Here’s a Zen story which is awakening.

Two monks were washing their bowls in the river when they noticed a scorpion that was drowning. One monk immediately scooped it up and set it upon the bank. In the process the scorpion stung him. Unmindful, he went back to washing his bowl and again the scorpion fell into the river and began drowning. The monk saved the scorpion one more time and was again stung.

The other monk, who was watching this spectacle, asked him, “Friend, why do you continue to save the scorpion when you know it's nature is to sting?”

“Because,” the first monk replied, “to save it is my nature.”

So, stay true to your nature. And let no one affect it. This does not mean you must suffer in silence. There surely are other means to express yourself than to retaliate in a similar manner as the one who’s causing you pain. When you are filled with anger and act from that impulse, you breed negativity in you. When you are negative, your inner peace gets affected. When your inner peace is disturbed, you are held hostage by debilitating emotions. And that essentially means you are not living free!

Think about it: Do you really want to forsake your freedom because someone acted foolishly?

Zen and the Art of Fearlessness

To be fearless, just ask yourself ‘what is it that you are afraid of losing’?

At a Talk that I delivered recently, a young lady asked me how to deal with insecurity and fear. She said she often spent long spells of time imagining stuff that could possibly happen to her – a pink slip, a health setback, a relationship problem, her son failing in school and such.

“I know it is stupid to be this way. But how does one get rid of ‘worst-case scenarios’ from your head,” she asked.

I, in turn, asked her: “What is the worst that can happen to you?”

She thought for a moment and replied: “Two things – either my son can die or I can die. Yes, these are my worst-case scenarios.”

My next question to her was this: “Is there anything that you can do to prevent these scenarios from ever happening in your Life?”

Again she thought about it deeply and exclaimed: “No. Seriously, noooooooooooo!”

I asked her: “So why worry and fear about something that you can’t prevent?”

And that is really how you get rid of worst-case scenarios in your head. To be sure, the human mind can beat any Bollywood screenwriter in terms of conjuring up unheard of, unfathomable, often fantasy-based scenarios. Some of them will necessarily torment you with worry, anxiety, insecurity and fear. There is a pretty simple way to deal with these debilitating emotions.

In every situation that makes me fearful, I ask myself what is the worst that can happen. And I tell my mind that I am ready and willing for that eventuality. For instance, in a matter relating to a police complaint filed against me, by my creditor, it had become evident that if the court disallowed my bail application, I would be arrested and remanded in custody. I asked my lawyer if there was a way out. He said that there was none since I did not have money to furnish a personal surety (a financial bond). This situation was unfolding in another city. Honestly, I was feeling very restless and fearful. So, I took a deep breath and called up Vaani. I briefed her of the logical, practical reality we were faced with. And then I told her, “Listen, I will stay strong where I am and wherever I have to go. You stay strong too. A way will be born soon.” Just that acceptance of whatever our reality was at that moment – that I will be arrested, so be it! – changed the way I felt. I became fearless. In another situation, when I was diagnosed with a possible life-threatening health condition, I considered the worst that could happen to me if we didn’t find the money to get a surgery done. I would die, I reckoned. The whole scenario of my impending death unfolded in my mind’s eye and I actually started smiling. Of course, all of us will die, I remember thinking. “And this was perhaps my time to die,” I had concluded. That thought actually made me feel lighter – and totally fearless. From then on, whenever I am faced with any no-go situation – and I have to deal with several of them each week – I remind myself that “I was once even prepared to die”. Whenever I do this, my fear always slinks away.

An additional perspective: to me faith is not about deifying an idol or a place of worship. I implicitly trust the Higher Energy – some call this divinity – that shapes our ends and guides our lives. I know that I will – my family included – be provided for, taken care of and given whatever we need. To me my faith in myself, in Vaani, in this Higher Energy is the light that shows the way whenever the road ahead is dark and fearful. And I know, just as you do, that while light can drive away darkness, darkness can never drive away light! So, when there is faith, how can there ever be fear? 

To my doctor, with love…

Be grateful to all those who have contributed to you getting this far in Life. It may appear that you have achieved a lot on your own steam, but when you pause to reflect on how much others have contributed to your journey, you will be soaked in gratitude and humility!  

The obituary section in The Hindu caught my attention this morning. The doctor who had delivered me, 48 years ago, had passed on yesterday. Interestingly, Dr.Rukmani Sourirajan, had delivered all my mother’s three children – me, my brother and my sister. I remember meeting her last at her maternity home in Dhandapani Street, T.Nagar, in February 1978, when my sister was born. A wave of gratitude came over me when I saw her obituary announcement. Surely I have to be grateful for what she has done for me, my siblings and my mother – each of us could have been poorly handled, yet none of us has had any delivery-stage complications.

That thought led to me reflect deeper. There are so, so many people who have contributed, and continue to contribute, to my growth and evolution as a person. And that means if I started thanking each one of them, I would probably run out of time and space. This is not just true for me. It is so true for all of us – all the time! Which is why, as Meister Eckhart (1260~1328) has wisely said, “If the only prayer that you say in your entire Life is ‘Thank You’, it is enough!”

Yet, caught in the rat race of everyday survival, gratitude often takes a backseat. In spirit we are willing to be grateful, but in practice we are not – because we are so consumed by our Life and our problems.

I lean heavily on the Sanskrit phrase “Matha, Pitha, Guru, Deivam”  when I offer my prayer of gratitude each day. The phrase teaches us to offer our reverence in the order of mother first, father next, teacher after that and God last. It may appear – especially to those who know me or have read my Book “Fall Like A Rose Petal” – that I can’t be serious when I say I am grateful to my mother, especially when I openly concede that I have a poor chemistry with her. I see the issue of poor chemistry and the principle of gratitude as two separate things – just because I don’t agree with my mother on several counts does not mean I am not grateful to her for bringing me into this world, for teaching me the alphabet, for raising me and giving me a basic education. I find this practice of saying, “Mother, Father, Teacher, Life (to me, Life = God) – I thank you!”, during my daily mouna (silence periods) sessions, very, very liberating. It calms me down and keeps me grounded.

Undoubtedly, each experience in your Life has had another’s contribution in it.  It’s very humbling to know that you are not a sum of all your so-called achievements – your qualifications, your wealth, your material assets and such – but that you are actually a sum of all your experiences and learnings. When I saw Dr.Sourirajan’s obituary announcement this morning, I was reminded, yet again, that my efforts are so inconsequential and incomplete to my own Life – without the contributions of so many other people over the years! To that doctor, in gratitude today, I send all my love…!

In all this ‘tamasha’, never stop being yourself!

All Life is pure drama. If you love Shakespeare, you can even call it a ‘comedy of errors’. The only way to get through this drama, this lifetime, happily, is to be yourself!

Yesterday we watched Imtiaz Ali’s just-released Tamasha (Ranbir Kapoor, Deepika Padukone). It’s a simple story of a young man Ved who is caught between what his heart yearns for and what, he believes, the/(his) world wants him to be. Ved can be anybody – you, me, anyone. And the battle he faces within himself is the Kurukshetra we all wage, as Ali points out, between dil and duniya. Ved doesn’t realize anything is amiss in his robotic Life, in his running the rat race, until Tara red flags him and tells him to take a hard look at himself. The refreshingly original romance between Ved and Tara, that travels from Corsica to New Delhi to Tokyo, is but a beautiful backdrop. The real story is about us. It is about anyone who is merely ‘earning a living’, running a meaningless race – monotonously. Ali doesn’t say it explicitly but his work echoes Osho’s, the Master’s, philosophy: “Between birth and death, when you came with nothing and will go with nothing, all Life is just pure drama. Why do you want to not be yourself? Live your Life! Why do you want to live a lie for the sake of the world?” Ved soon realizes that he’s been living a lie and awakens to follow his bliss. In doing that, he comes alive, finding himself, finding purpose, happiness and love!

Ali’s Tamasha can be what Tara is to Ved. If you are searching for meaning, for happiness, in your Life, Tamasha can perhaps help you find your way.

Watching the movie I was reminded of what American mythologist and author Joseph Campbell (1904~1987) has said: “The privilege of this lifetime is being who you are.” To be sure, Campbell was the first person to articulate what zillions before him, and many, many zillions after him, have always felt or yearned for or believed in. He invited you to “follow your bliss”! Vaani and I have been running a very popular non-commercial Event Series called “The Bliss Catchers” each month at the Odyssey Bookstore in Adyar, Chennai. The Event Series focuses on people who have had the courage to give up “safe and predictable” careers to go do what they love doing. Through the past 11 months of anchoring this Event Series we have not just had the opportunity to learn from the lives and stories of our guests, we have also seen members of the audience blossom into Bliss Catchers! For instance, a senior business leader at a large IT corporation quit his job and has been pursuing a Master’s degree in a language he loves – Sanskrit. A young aspiring film-maker has not only found himself a job that allows him the luxury of time to watch a movie a day, he has actually made a short film – shooting it on his mobile phone! For Vaani and me bliss is just doing anything which is in the realm of inspiring people to be happy. So, I wrote my Book, Fall Like A Rose Petal (Westland, August 2014), we do non-commercial events to inspire happiness – in Life and at work, I write my Blog daily and I am working on my second Book, The Happiness Road. We live by a simple principle: it is only one Life we have; let us live it being who we are, being happy!

The topline and bottomline in Life is simply this: It is all a drama. A tamasha. So, don’t get carried away by what the world is saying and wanting you to be. Between dil and duniya, choose to be led by your dil, follow your bliss and be who you are!

Where there is acceptance, there is no suffering!

You suffer only because you are resisting what is and are refusing to accept a situation or a person!

Yesterday, I delivered my “Fall Like A Rose Petal” Talk to over 300 employees of Tata Consultancy Services. A young lady manager, who appeared to be going through a lot of emotional distress, wanted to know whether it was possible at all to live “without suffering when people close to you don’t understand you”. She broke down as she asked me this question – she was seeking perspective because I have talked about my poor chemistry with my own mother in my Book.

This was my response: All our suffering comes from our wanting people, things and events to be different from who or what they are. If someone is not understanding you, and is causing you emotional trauma, they are obviously having their own reasons for their opinions. Now, the misunderstanding or absence of understanding occurs only because the opinions between the two of you are divergent. So, accept this fact and move on. You can only repair a situation – or a relationship – if the people connected with it allow you to. You can sit down and talk only with someone who is willing to listen. You can mend fences with someone only if they are willing. You can make new beginnings only when there is willingness from either side. When the other party is not willing, when there is an urge to interpret you than understand you, what is the point in you laboring over the relationship and suffering, expecting that person to behave differently? My advice is always to try and fix any relationship by having honest conversations. The key operative word is ‘honest’ here – be in the face and speak your mind while according the other party complete dignity. If these conversations fail to improve the chemistry between you both, after at least three attempts, accept that this is how things are meant to be between you two people and move on.

Suffering itself is a completely wasted emotion. How can anything – or anyone – be different from what is – from the way they are – by your pining for it or them? Suffering, wondering why people do what they do, is therefore totally, totally avoidable – in fact, as the Buddha says, it is optional!

Later in the evening yesterday, I ended up at a party where a member of my immediate family, who has chosen to not understand me, too was present. We behaved like strangers. No hostility. No avoiding each other. Just complete strangerhood. The party was a nice one – I enjoyed it! And that’s all there is to Life. If you can relate to someone, great! If you can’t relate to someone, great again; accept that there is no relationship and move on. Where there is acceptance, there is no suffering! 

Don’t shoot the messenger – heed the message!

The easiest thing to do is to react to people and what they have to say. If we heed the message, than focus on the messenger, we will surely benefit more.

The forum where Aamir spoke on intolerance in India
Picture Courtesy: Internet

I listened to what actor Aamir Khan had to say about the much debated issue of rising intolerance in India. And I do believe he has spoken as a citizen who is genuinely concerned – much like any of us is. I don’t think anyone must evaluate what Aamir and Kiran are feeling, and what Aamir has shared, as what an Indian Muslim has to say.

What is being said, the message, is clearly more important than who is saying it. This is not about the intolerance debate that rages on in India alone. This is about anything, in any context – the message is always more important than the messenger!

Yet, ever so often “How dare you?” assumes more significance in your head over someone telling you something that you don’t want to hear, than what is being told to you. This “How dare you?” drowns reason and leads to inaction. Simply because your mind – the human mind thinks 60000 thoughts daily – is filled with negativity over who delivered the message to you. When your mind is agitated, obviously, clarity takes a backseat.

To be sure, even Vaani and I have often, in recent times, thought about relocating from India at some time in the future. Of course, we have our bankruptcy to deal with and all our creditors to repay first before we even think of and for ourselves. The reason why we may even consider moving out of India, if at all we do in the future, is pretty much similar to what Kiran and Aamir may have shared among themselves. This beautiful country of ours is becoming more and more intolerant to not just religion but even to individual opinion. The way Aamir and Kiran are being trolled is evidence of this disturbing trend growing. People disagreeing with Aamir is fine - but so much hate, so much anger, this is totally unnecessary and avoidable. The truth is social media has given anyone who has an opinion (all of us have opinions, don’t we?) a pedestal – not just platform – to flaunt it. So people don’t really bother about what they have to say. They just want to be seen saying it – something, anything! This cacophony is harmless if it stayed purely at a noise level. The tragedy is that our government, our politicians and those who peddle religion, seize the opportunity and unfairly play up our diversity, pitting gullible masses against one another. If this trend continues and grows, as it threatens to, it will make India a sad, a very sad, place. But let me clarify that this change in perception and preference in Vaani and me is more recent. Over 20 years ago, I had turned down a job offer from a large American MNC. Simply because the offer involved migrating to the US. Vaani and I then wanted to stay back in India, we wanted to do something for our country, living and working from here.

I am amazed that in two decades we have changed our view. And therein lies the crux of the issue – we are dealing with growing intolerance for individual opinion and sentiment in India. Period. Our constitutional right of freedom of expression stands challenged – and, sadly, in some cases, is stifled or even denied. Unless we recognize and internalize this message – instead of shooting the messenger(s) – we can’t bring about lasting, social change.

Today is Guru Nanak’s (1469 ~ 1539) birthday. If he gave the world one unputdownable message, this is it: “I belong to no caste”. I hope a few of us, who, to begin with, share Nanak’s philosophy and outlook to Life, work to spread the message of harmony and co-existence. Even if we don’t agree with what someone has to say, let us stop reacting and, important, let is stop shooting the messenger(s)!

Why this kolaveri, kolaveri….?

Ambition is fine. But never let it blind you, consume you.

In a reflective conversation with Vaani over coffee this morning, I discussed the pointlessness of trying to overachieve in order to be successful in Life. The papers have been full of news of jazz pianist Madhav Chari’s untimely passing. Here was a man who gave up a PhD in Mathematics at the University of Illinois to make music in Chennai. I never knew him. But to me, his obituary, much like the perfectionist that I believe he was, reads perfect: he followed his bliss and went away, perhaps too soon, having lived a full Life. Osho, the Master, made imminent sense when he said that between a choiceless birth and a certain death, this Life is nothing but drama, often a comedy too. What he meant really was why do we take Life so seriously, why are we trying to acquire, amass and struggle to cling on to material stuff – stuff that we can’t take away with us? I think Madhav Chari’s Life is a good Life to live. Do what you love doing and leave when you must.

Honestly, I was never this way – simple, spiritual or sensitive!

As I confessed to a young journalist the other day, and as I have shared in my Book (‘Fall Like A Rose Petal’; Westland, August 2014), I once had this kolaveri, this murderous rage, brazen, belligerence to earn money, to be successful, to be famous. But over the years, I have slowed down. I realize the value of faith (in oneself, more than in an external reference point) and patience. I understand that it is more important to take in the scenery than only worry about getting to a destination. And, of course, I believe that while you have a right to be ambitious, don’t ever let that ambition possess you to the extent that you can’t enjoy the process of getting what you want.

Ambition is good as long as it nurtures your sense of purpose, gives you a direction to move in and helps set the pace. But ambition must not ruin your sleep. It cannot make you jealous, restless, angry, belligerent and obsessed. Being competitive is fine. But learn to compete with a champion’s attitude – wanting to do better than your last effort. Don’t let the pettiness of winning at the cost of someone else consume you!

Let me clarify that ambition and belligerence need not pertain only to for-profit endeavors. Even if you are leading social change, if you are engaged in a purposeful endeavor to make the world better, don’t let your do-gooder ego drive you nuts. The same principle of following your bliss and moving onward with grace applies here too.

A lifetime that has been lived fully, every moment of it, by touching lives, is far more inspiring and relevant than working overtime, to create an awe-inspiring resume that no one has the time to read, or worse, remember. In the end, you will have two ways to review your Life – with gratitude for a time well-spent here, or with regret for having had this murderous rage, this kolaveri, to overtake, overachieve and win. Make sure, you never have to ask yourself this: “Why this kolaveri, kolaveri…?”

Go beyond hope and hopelessness, go take action!

When there is no hope, remember, you are still alive. And as long as you are there, the ‘God’ within you too is alive, kicking and capable of a miracle.

Most often, hopelessness leads you to conclude that it is all over. That you are finished. You miss something very crucial at that time, that all your data points, all the evidence, that you use to arrive at that conclusion, are external. They lie outside of you. Your prayers also are to reference points outside you __ a ‘God’, as in an idol in a faraway temple, or in a sacred church, or at a distant dargah! When you find that your efforts to seek a miracle for yourself are reduced to a naught, you amplify your conclusion and say, nothing is possible. You resign. You give up. In all this time, even for a moment, you have not looked within. You have not realized the blessing of your being alive. There’s a famous saying, “With God anything’s possible!”  That ‘God’, that miraculous energy, is what’s powering you. The fact that you can conclude, basis external reference points, that you are finished, is proof that you are alive. If you are alive, that Universal energy is powering you. Dip into that energy. Go within. You will then realize the futility of benchmarking all your wants and needs on external reference points.

On 30^th August 2012, we had to pawn Vaani’s last piece of jewelry – her thali (a gold chain, the equivalent of a wedding ring in South-Indian culture) – to raise cash for us to survive as a family. As we did that, I remember telling ourselves that “after this effort, when this cash dries up, we are on love and fresh air”. We had nothing more of value to liquidate to raise any more cash. The 30-odd months that followed saw us being roasted, as a family, over the hot coals – with zero income and zero cash on many, many, many occasions – but both Vaani and I never lost hope – not in ourselves, not in humanity, not in the Universe. It’s over 3 years now, since that day, and we have still not recovered from our 8-year-old fragile, bankrupt, insolvent situation (To know more about this story please read ‘Fall Like A Rose Petal – A father’s lessons on how to be happy and content while living without money’; Westland, August 2014; available to order on this Blog). But we have survived. And we have survived only because Vaani and I believed, deep within us, that we would.

This experience has taught us that hopelessness is a wasteful emotion. To live through any crisis you just need to be aware of your being alive! With this awareness try and understand how you are feeling at the moment. If you are sad, accept that reality. If you are fearful, accept it too. If you are anxious, again accept it. Whatever you feel, acknowledge it, accept it. Then ask yourself, what can I do to change this reality? List down your actions that you can take to leverage your being alive. Some of them may be painful, uncomfortable actions. But if you have to do them, you have to. Because you want to change how you feel, right? With the actions you take, the problems you face, that led to a state of hopelessness in the first place, may not immediately go away. But if you are feeling good about what you are doing, you can be sure that you will walk into a new reality.

Every new journey starts with a first step. That first step is to change the way you are feeling about whatever’s your current reality. You may not be able to see your destination yet, but if you have sat in the plane, fastened your seat belt and have closed your eyes, you can be assured the pilot will take off, and with the available data on probability, chances are good that you will land where you intend to in some time.

To be sure, both hope and hopelessness are imposters. One tricks you to imagine that all will be fine. It breeds inertia. And the other deceives you and tells you it’s all over, nothing’s possible. Again it breeds inertia. Whereas visiting the energy that powers you, you feel rejuvenated, inspired and begin to act. Inertia can never get you started. Only action can. 

Be aware: worrying really mind-f**ks you!

When worry arises, worry. Hold it, watch it, but refuse to heed it and soon, you will be ready to discard it.   

Let us get this straight first – worrying is not a sin! There is nothing wrong with worrying. Except that you know, just as anyone with even an iota of common sense does, that worrying about a problem cannot solve it for you.

Yet, don’t expect that you will attain a state of no-worry. As long as there is your mind, worries will arise. After all, what is a worry? It is a thought. And the human mind’s job is to churn out 60,000 thoughts daily. Some of these thoughts will be of worries and anxieties pertaining to an unborn future. Will I have enough money? Can I resolve this complicated legal matter? Will I find better understanding from my family? Will my child get to pursue a career path she wants? Will someone with 4^th stage cancer make it? So on, and on, and on…your mind will lead you to worrying – incessantly!

Now, those who have not trained their mind, will be led by their worries. Which is, their mind will control them. Worrying debilitates you. It will make you feel like a victim perpetually. But those who have trained their mind – through the practice of some form of meditation or “me time” – will find that their awareness helps them immensely when worry arises in them. They will not fear worrying. Or worry about worrying. They will simply see through their worry – their awareness will let them allow their worry to rise…and then move on. This is the way they will remain untouched by their worry.

A worry is like a wave. It has a limited lifespan. Just as a wave rises and then recedes, and eventually disappears, a worry too will rise and ebb. The problem comes only when you allow the worry to touch you. If you just let it rise and fall, you will be untouched. Or the better way to say it is that you will be unmoved even though it may, well, touch you!

This is how I deal with my worries when they arise.

For instance, I have this perpetual worry that comes up in me every now and then. I have borrowed money from my parents. My father is 77 and my mother is 66. I have been unable to return the money to them because it has been over 8 years since our business has been going through a bankruptcy (“Fall Like A Rose Petal – A father’s lessons on how to be happy and content while living without money”; Westland, August 2014). Resultantly, an already vitiated family situation has become even more complicated leaving everyone bitter, embattled and estranged. I often have to contend with the worry of thinking what will happen if my parents die while I have still been unable to return their money to them? How will I live the rest of my Life carrying the guilt of having made a lousy choice of borrowing from them, failing to repay them – decisions that have left my family in a fractious state? Yes, these worries arise in me. But I let them pass. Each time such dark, numbing (today’s generation would term them mind-f**king) thoughts, rear their ugly heads, my awareness, nurtured through the practice of daily silence periods (mouna) alerts me. Something in me immediately goes to work saying: “AVIS, steady. Beware of the worry.” So, I perk up and let the worry come up to me, I allow it to try its fear-infusing logic on me and, because I don’t give it any importance, it simply slinks away. I do one additional thing. I say to myself, every time I have to deal with a worry, “Let whatever happen, happen. It is better we get down to solving a real problem than an imagined or feared one.”

This approach does not mean I am irresponsible or that I advocate inaction. On the contrary, this is a call to action. Constructive action. Because, worrying can nail your feet to the ground. And the non-worrying state can never be attained. So, the best way forward is to let each worry rise and fall – while you simply do what you have to do. Principal among what you can do, or the most constructive action you can indulge in, in the face of worry, is to trust Life. Just believe that if you have been created (without your asking to be) you will also be cared for and looked after. The energy that takes care of a million stars will also take care of you. You need not carry the burden of the unknown future on your head. You too can trust!

"Rise In Love" - A film inspired by "Fall Like A Rose Petal"

In early 2008, AVIS Viswanathan and Vaani Anand - soul-mates, friends, husband-wife, business partners - were staring at a bankruptcy of their Firm. A series of business decisions had brought them to the brink of penury. AVIS wrote a Book "Fall Like A Rose Petal - A father's lessons on how to be happy and content while living without money" which was published by Westland in August 2014. The Book shares, through letters AVIS wrote to their two children, Aashirwad and Aanchal, the spiritual lessons that the family learnt through their Life-changing experience - of hopelessness, of fear, of court cases, of police complaints, of insolvency, of pennilessness. Also of faith, patience, love, companionship, abundance and soul. 

'Rise In Love' is a film made by a young film-making student Shalu C. She was inspired by AVIS' Book and was keen to explore how "true love thrives in the face of adversity". In a world ridden with dysfunctional relationships, Shalu discovers that a rare magic and chemistry between Vaani and AVIS has helped them both deal with their complex, numbing Life situation strongly, even as it has kept this small family of four together, despite a storm ravaging their material lives.

The film is based on a series of conversations Shalu had with Vaani and AVIS and with people who know them very well. It's a film that teaches you to appreciate the beauty of companionship, that inspires you to be happy despite the circumstances, that tells why relating between people is more important than the relationship itself, that motivates you to face Life squarely and that shows you how you too can 'rise in love'!

PS: This film is not a complete re-adaptation of AVIS' Book nor does it attempt to portray all the challenges that Vaani and AVIS are faced with.

You are truly blessed if you have genuine folks in your Life

There’s more to Life than money. If you look around you, the most genuine people are those who truly care for who you are and not what, or how much, you have.

Yesterday we were invited to a Tarot card reading session by one of our friends. At the end of the reading, which was conducted by our friend’s friend – someone who we didn’t know at all – when we asked to be allowed to pay for the professional charges, our friend told us that there wouldn’t be any charges. She said: “Sometimes we are guided to not charge some of our guests by our Masters and guides. Both my friend and I received the same ‘instructions’. So there wouldn’t be any charges. It is the Universe reaching out and blessing you!” Both my wife and I were moved by this gesture of compassion. Our friend, and her friend, need not have been so genuine. But they chose to be who they are. It is people like them who make the world so beautiful and Life worth living and looking forward to.

Vaani and I have found this to be true of all people who are genuine. They are ever so willing to trust you, help you and be there for you – unconditionally and often without you even asking for their support.

I remember one afternoon, three years ago, I was sitting in a café and working on the manuscript of my Book – “Fall Like A Rose Petal – A father’s lessons on how to be happy and content while living without money” (Westland, August 2014). I didn’t have much money on me. Just enough to have a green tea. I had ordered one and was writing feverishly on my laptop. It was well past lunch time. I was hungry but I did not have either the money to order lunch nor did I have money to go home (in an autorickshaw) and come back to resume my writing. Suddenly, a waiter brought me a soup and some carrot cake; when I expressed surprise, he pointed in the direction of another table where a friend was seated (we had smiled and greeted each other from a distance) until a while ago. My friend had apparently paid for my meal before leaving and requested that I be served. I was humbled. I wept as I ate my meal and as I thanked this friend over SMS.

We have found that for each person who does not trust us, or does not believe that we are going through a serious situation, there are several hundreds more – both friends and often times rank strangers – who are willing to help us with their compassion and understanding. We have come to realize that Life is not about what you own or how much you have. Your true wealth, which none can take away from you, is about how many of the people you know are genuine folks. And to have them in your Life is, to quote my Tarot reader friend, a big, big blessing!