How do you pick yourself up when you have been felled by Life?

The only way forward from a crisis is to get up, gather yourself and move on. 

Many a time, Life deals with you in the most brutal ways. And before you know it you have been socked and have been left devastated with the turn of events. How do you pick yourself up when you have been felled by Life? Well, there are no easy ways in such a situation. You have to take Life as it comes, one day at a time, one step at a time.

When a tragedy or a crisis strikes you – death of a loved one, loss of business or money, a serious health challenge, a heart-wrenching break-up – you feel numbed by the event. All you are asking repeatedly is “why” and “why me”? But there are no answers to any questions in Life. So, you can spend time mourning and grieving – and feeling miserable – or you can move on. Now, there is no problem really with grief. It is after all a normal emotion that follows a loss. In fact, when you encounter grief, don’t try to suppress it. Allow it to rise within you. Feel the grief, hold it, let it hang around and watch it as it first rises and then recedes. When you suppress it, when you resist it, it will persist. But if you let it be, it will fade away. In the aftermath of a crisis, when the grief begins to subside, be aware and pick yourself up again. It will appear to be difficult initially. But when you choose to move on, it will happen more seamlessly than you can imagine.

For instance, just to cheer you up, when someone asks you out for a coffee or suggests a book or watching a movie, don’t say no. In the beginning it may appear that you are “indulging in being happy” while you need to be “clinging on to grief”. But allow yourself that indulgence. Don’t feel guilty. The truth is that your feeling sad is not going to undo your Life. In fact, nothing in Life can be undone. So, to move on, after you have been dealt a Life-changing blow, you must first be ready and willing, and then you must actually, physically, move. Moving on is not a feel-good philosophy, it involves a lot of practical, doable, must-do, actions.

But it all begins with believing that there is a lot of Life after a crisis. What you think is the end of the road, almost always, is the beginning of a new journey.  When you move on, when the scenery changes, as Life goes on, you will find that there is much more to Life than just clinging on to the dead past. 

Focus on your efforts and leave the outcomes to Life

Asking why something is happening to you is of no use. The best way to deal with a situation that you dislike is to face it and deal with it.

Life has a mind of its own. It delivers situations to you whether you like it or not. Your preferences are not what Life seeks to know before something happens to you. Who wants a cancer? Or who wants to be out of job? Or who would want a break-up – especially years after a heady romance and an equally memorable marriage? Who would want to lose a parent, child, spouse or sibling? Yet, whether you like it or not, several of these contexts, and more, have applied to you the past or currently apply to you or may apply in the future. Such is Life. Asking why must you be in the situation you are in is futile. Life doesn’t answer anyone’s questions – definitely not in a linear fashion. You can, at best, make sense of your Life by looking back, and reflecting on why some events happened in the way they did. As Steve Jobs has famously said: “You can only connect the dots backwards”. And when you do connect them, you will realize that everything happens for a reason, and all change always is for your good!

I read the story of Achal Bakeri and his highly-successful Symphony brand of air-coolers in a recent issue of The Economist.  Bakeri returned to India in 1988, after acquiring an MBA from the US and encouraged his Sanand (Gujarat)-based family business to look beyond real estate. He launched elegant-looking, efficient, air-coolers for domestic and commercial use. Soon Symphony was the market leader in its space and a public listing followed in 1994. But Bakeri made a mistake – he capitulated under pressure from investors to make washing machines and water heaters under the Symphony brand name. The move, though logical on paper and in theory, backfired. Symphony’s new products failed badly in the market and pushed the company to the brink of bankruptcy. After several years of struggle, Bakeri decided to focus on doing only what he – and his company – knew best. Which was to make only air-coolers. But he backed up that decision with a significant change in strategy – he took the Symphony brand global. In 2011, he bought a Mexico-based firm which gave Symphony additional leverage in manufacturing, technology and distribution. That move – and Bakeri’s resolve to focus on his core – paid off. Today Symphony’s stock is rated as among the best performing stocks in India in the past decade. The Economist story concludes with this perspective: “Had Symphony not had such a close brush with failure, it would have stuck to the Indian market and never explored the global potential for air-coolers. “It was the best thing that happened to us,” Bakeri says.”

I am sure Bakeri had his own ‘why-me’ moments of self-doubt, self-pity and anger as he revisited his decisions. I am sure he wondered at some time whether he would be able to haul his company – and his career as an entrepreneur – out of the mess it was in. I am sure he too did not get sleep on many nights thinking of how dark and fearful the future looked. And, yet, I am sure, along the way, one thing led to another and things did work out fine for Symphony and for Bakeri. This is how Life will work for each of us too. None of our stories is going to have a sad ending. Even if you were to die today, leaving unfinished business and incomplete dreams, someone will pick up from where you left off and give your story the end it truly deserves. So, stop questioning the Life that is happening to you. If you love what’s happening to you, enjoy every moment. If you dislike what’s happening to you, learn to endure it. Don’t resist Life – that’s when you suffer. Don’t ask why and don’t ask why me? Learn to face Life and deal with it doing whatever you can daily, in the best way you can! Just focus on your efforts. And leave the results and outcomes to Life. Remember: in the end, no matter what you are going through now, it will all work out fine! 

Drop the “Why?” and “Why Me?” questions

When you can’t solve a Life situation, allow Life to sort it out on its own! Don’t persist with asking “Why?” or “Why Me?”. They don’t help with solving any situation or problem!

There are only two kinds of problems. Problems which you can solve. And those that you can’t. When you can’t solve a problem or a Life situation, your frustration – your cluelessness, your helplessness – leads you to ask why something is happening or has happened only to you? Such frustration is natural and understandable. But is of no use. Recognize that it is perfectly fine to be clueless about a given situation in Life. That is really how Life works – you or I have no say in it. It has been always this way. Just because you have been living under the impression that you have been controlling it, it does not mean that you (can) control Life!

My daughter’s junior met with an accident. I believe it was a hit-and-run case. The accident plunged the boy into coma for a few weeks and even as he is coming out of it, the doctors have reported that he is paralyzed neck downward and has lost his power of speech. I am sure the boy’s parents and siblings must be distraught, angry, devastated, clueless and helpless. Such a fine lad – full of dreams and enthusiastic about Life until recently, now consigned to a bed for the rest of his Life!

This boy’s story is of a paralyzing accident. Yours may be different. And mine is different. Even so, all of us, at some time or the other, have been placed by Life in situations that we didn’t ask for and that we disliked intensely.

There are only two ways to deal with Life. Either go with it, flowing with what comes your way. Or fight it. But fighting Life is pointless because Life will still happen the way it wants to. Your fighting will drain you of your energy, will make you cynical and unhappy. Eventually you will realize that fighting Life was a waste of time. When you do wake up to accept your Life for what it is, it will be too late – very little of your own Life may be left! The other way is to flow with Life. Life will continue to happen in its own way – your cooperating with Life will not make any difference to Life’s Master Plan for you. What flowing with Life, however, does is, it helps you anchor in peace. There is no conflict in you. The “Why?” or “Why Me?” questions do not arise. Or even if they do, your choosing to accept the Life you have been given, renders those questions powerless. All your inner conflict comes from these two questions. When you don’t give them any attention, when you accept Life for what it is, you will be at peace in any situation that you are placed in.

So, the best way to deal with Life, when you can’t solve a situation you are placed in, is to drop the “Why?” and “Why Me?” questions, accept your Life the way it is and just flow with whatever is happening to you! You will then be at great peace with yourself and your Life. And your inner peace alone matters above all else!

You are the Light that you seek!

No matter what’s happening to you in Life, learn to just be a witness. Just be. Don’t fight. Don't resist. Don't detest. Be patient. Just accept. Just be. When you are this way, peace will engulf you, drenching you in bliss. You will then see yourself as the Light that you seek. 

When faced with Life's inscrutable ways, we often spend a lot of time in denial__of what's happening to us. Or we end up asking, 'Why?' or 'Why Me?'. We hope that by asking, we will be answered. We hope to reason with Life. We demand logic.

But Life doesn't understand those questions. Life doesn't work that way. Life's mechanical, in a manner of speaking, like a tennis ball machine, that keeps spewing out ball after ball – event after event, experience after experience. Non-stop. When the experience that comes your way meets or exceeds your expectations, you call it opportunity. You say 'WOW!, Life's Great!' When the ball that comes your way does not meet your expectations and shocks you, you say 'Life Sucks!' or you ask 'Why?' or 'Why Me?'.

There's no way you or I can control what comes our way. Instead of greeting what's coming with shock, resistance and disbelief, we can be accepting and patient. This way, we can work on solving our problems to the extent we can or face each new day, and its attendant challenges, with grace and resolve. Remember each of Life's experiences is to make you mature, better and stronger. Jalaluddin Rumi, the 13th Century Persian mystic and poet, said it so simply, so meaningfully: "No mirror ever became iron again; No bread ever became wheat; No ripened grape ever became sour fruit. Mature yourself and be secure from a change for the worse. Become the light."

Which is, when we learn to be more accepting of Life, we become the light we seek!

Don’t whitewash Life – See and live (with) the Truth

If you give grief too much space in your Life you are ruining yourself. When things go wrong, there will be grief. But break-free from it after initially comforting yourself in its deceptive bosom. Indeed Grief is comforting – because it feeds your ego. It puts you in the spotlight, at the center of your Universe. But this comfort is at first debilitating and, when there’s too much of it, is fatal. When grief consumes you, it will make you invalid and incapable of enjoying Life, of living fully!

I met someone who is struggling, after a lot of inner turmoil, debate and dialogue, to accept that his 20-year-old marriage is over. He reports that his wife has been seeing someone else for over 10 years now. He also confessed that there was really no compatibility between the two of them from the beginning – they never agreed on anything and found themselves fighting every single day!

“So, what’s the problem? Are you not clear this is not working out? Why are you not moving on?” I asked.

“I am hurting. I am not sure I know why this is happening to me. I am not sure I deserve this,” he replied, fighting his tears.

This friend has been carrying a lot of guilt and grief in him for so many years. Despite the fact that his marriage appears to have been over more than a decade ago, he still refuses to accept it. He’s still asking, in vain, “Why? Why me?”

There’s no point asking “Why” in Life. The whole experience of this lifetime that each of is going through is mysterious, is often bizarre. So, when you ask yourself questions that have no answers you are kidding yourself. And in the hope that you will find some answers, you go on searching. You go on stumbling through Life. You go on grieving. What is, is the only truth in Life. In my friend’s case the truth is that he and his spouse appear to have stopped ‘relating’ to each other long, long ago. What they are presiding over is the corpse of their relationship – their dead marriage! They more he sits around with it, the more grief he will be in. And the more he grieves, the less fully he will live.

This is so true of many of the other situations in Life – wherever we try to analyze Life and find reasons and answers. When people do try to offer us answers, with reasons and justifications, they are only consoling us. But consolations are of no use because they always deal with a “dead” past. Consolations are only an attempt to whitewash Life. Instead if we simply accepted Life for what it is__as it is, as THE Truth__and moved on – we would surely live fuller, richer, happier lives!

Don’t ever ask Why? Simply Try!

‘Why’ is such an easy, impromptu question, that arises ever so frequently in Life. And it invariably comes when things don’t go per your plans or when Life socks you in the eye, catching you unawares, numbing you, shocking you! Often, when the Why question goes unanswered__as all questions posed to Life will__you follow it up with an anguished cry of ‘Why Me?’. You are perfectly justified in asking either question. Because you deserve an answer to what’s going on in your Life. Perfectly logical expectation. But Life never operates on a logic that you__or I__can or will ever understand. So, ‘Why?’ or ‘Why Me?’ then become the most futile questions ever in Life.

Where does such insensitivity from Life leave you? What should one, who is beaten by Life, then do? Simply, suffer in silence?

The Buddha recommends we try an intelligent solution. He has said this so beautifully. He said that suffering is optional, even while pain is inevitable. His wisdom pointed to an irrefutable truism in Life __ that as long as you are alive, you will encounter pain. But to suffer on account of that pain, is optional. Suffering comes only when we pose questions to Life and resist a situation we find ourselves in.

When people misunderstand you, you feel pained. But you suffer only when you insist that they understand you or when you resist them misunderstanding you. When someone you know dies, there will be pain. But suffering comes when you insist that death should not have happened and when you want that person back, alive, again. When someone cheats you, deserts you, stabs you in the back, there will be pain, but suffering arrives only in the moment you wished that what has happened had not happened. Or when you lose your job or money in your business, there will be pain. But it becomes suffering when you wish you had not lost either. All your suffering comes from wishing pain away.

Osho used to tell the story of the great Japanese Haiku poet Issa. When he was only 30 Issa had already lost his five children. Then his wife died and he was almost completely mad — in anguish, in suffering. He went to a Zen Master.

The Zen Master asked, “What is the problem?”

Issa said, “My five children are dead and now my wife is dead. Why is there so much suffering? I can’t see the reason for it. What is the explanation? I have not done anything wrong to anybody, I have lived as innocently as possible. In fact I have lived very much aloof. I’m not very related to people — I’m a poet, I live in my own world. I have not done anything wrong to anybody. I have lived a very poor life, but I was happy. Now suddenly my five children are gone, my wife is also gone — why is there so much suffering, and for no reason? There must be an explanation.”

The Zen Master said, “Life is just like a dew drop in the morning. It is the nature of Life that death happens. There is no explanation; it is the nature of Life. There is no need for any special reason to be given. Life’s nature is like a dew drop: it hangs for a while on a leaf of grass; a small breeze and it is gone; the sun rises and it evaporates. That is the nature of Life. Remember that.”

Issa was a man of great intelligence. He understood it. He came back and he wrote a Haiku. 

His Haiku read:

Life, a dew drop?

Yes, I understand.

Life is a dew drop. Yet… and yet….

Osho, analyzing the Haiku, said the dew drop metaphor explained the transient nature of Life. But the ‘yet and yet’ usage by Issa pointed to the way we humans forget this impermanent quality of Life and how we allow ourselves to be overcome by grief when what we are attached to gets snatched away from us. Indeed. Our attachments bring us grief and that leads to our suffering. But, those like Issa who have been felled by Life’s blow, who have suffered, have always awakened to and understood Life’s transient nature. They have understood that Life is but a dew drop. Here now. And gone in a moment!

So, when you encounter pain remember Issa’s story. Don’t ask Why anymore. Simply accept Life knowing that which is, is. Instead TRY to live with your pain. Initially, your effort may seem in vain. Because pain and you are strange bedfellows. But such is also the nature of Life that, that which you embrace, you befriend, stays with you peacefully. So, over time, with some trial and error, you will learn to accept your pain, your circumstance and learn not to suffer. You will then know that pain, when accepted, does not cause suffering, but, in fact, leads to you to peace!

Why ask Why?

‘WHY’ is the most debilitating question in Life! The moment you ask that, your peace will be destroyed. And you will just go crazy.

For instance, just take the recent events in our world. Why should Malala Yousafzai be shot in her head when all she asked for was her right to an education? Why should an innocent lady girl be gang-raped in New Delhi, and with such beastly brutality that she fights for her Life despite her indomitable will to live? Why should 20 angels perish in a mindless bloodbath in Connecticut? Why should miscreants infiltrate the student crowds protesting peacefully in New Delhi and why should a police constable, who was only doing his duty, have to pay the price with his Life for their unjust, violent behavior?

Why do good people have to go through pain and suffering? Why does Life always work in a cycle: extraordinary pain always being a prelude to extraordinary grace and vice versa?

WHY? This one simple question really can drive you nuts.

Reading an interview The Hindu carried yesterday with music composer, the Maestro, Ilayaraja, I learned something more about the WHY question! Subha J Rao writes of the Master’s humility and wisdom saying, “….the Master musician refuses to take credit for any of his creations. “It just came. I don’t know from where. Questioning the origin of music is like asking why the breeze is soothing, why you shiver in exhilaration when the spray from the waterfall hits you. The day you wonder where it comes from, things get difficult. Sometimes, entire songs are ready in just about five minutes.

How do you explain that?””

Ilayaraja’s perspective to Life is enlightening. He has seen it all. And learned too. A simple village lad from Pannaipuram in rural Tamil Nadu, he made it so big in the south Indian film industry that films would run in the 70s and 80s only because they had his compositions in them. And then, with the advent of the techno-age in composing music, and with the rise of the prodigal talent A.R.Rahman, Illayaraja lost his relevance. He was literally in the wilderness between 1995 and 2011. Yet, he’s back now, because of the sheer quality of his work. He epitomizes the famous saying in cricket, “Form is temporary. Class is permanent.”

So, the key to intelligent living is to never ask why __ don’t ask when you are getting the Life you want and don’t ask when you are getting the Life you don’t want. Simply live __ wanting the Life you are getting!

The WHY question is also a human question. Look around you. Do you see any other form of creation questioning anything? Everything, everyone, is in a state of acceptance. Except us humans. Which is why suffering is such a unique human condition. Pain is everywhere. When a tree is cut, there is pain that the tree goes through. When there’s a drought, the earth goes through immense pain. But there’s no evidence to suggest that they suffer. Suffering comes ONLY when you ask why you are having to go through pain? Think about it. When you get a migraine or a cancer and you don’t ask why, will you suffer? You will be in enormous physical pain, alright, but you will not suffer. Suffering is born when you ask WHY and you get no reply. Because Life doesn’t give answers. It gives us experiences and allows us to learn from them.

Simplify Life. Learn to appreciate its beauty in its inscrutability. What are you going to achieve by dissecting Life and analyzing why things are happening the way they are? It would be an intelligent proposition if you could at least get half-way through to finding the answers you seek. But making sense of Life is like taking a sharp sword and hoping to cut through water. It is an exercise in futility and make you insane. Because no sword can even as much as cause a scratch on water! Lou Majaw, the pioneering musician from Shillong, who worships Life, besides Bob Dylan, teaches us to appreciate Life the best: “Life is beautiful, and the best part is you get it for free.”

So, why look a gift horse in the mouth? Why ask WHY?