Denial delays – and often denies – happiness

The more we deny, the farther we are moving away from happiness.

Life’s problems don’t always happen all of a sudden. They often build up over a period of time. We don’t see the problem as it is because of the state of denial we are often in.

A smoker knows smoking will lead to cancer. But he or she keeps denying that this reality will affect his or her Life; and so goes on smoking.

Many, many months before my Firm went bankrupt, a wise client (and a close friend) of mine had told me that “if you continue running your business this way, pretty soon you will go bankrupt”. I denied his sage counsel. I thought since he was older to me, he was conservative and hence not a risk-taker. So, I did not heed his advice. Eventually, when my Firm’s fortunes came crashing, I awakened to the realization that I should have never denied the problem we were in all that while.

Someone we know, who is very creative, is struggling to get one of his events off the ground. He just can’t find sponsors. He already owes money to people for an event he staged some months ago. So prudence demands that he does not launch a new event without settling his previous dues and without tying up sponsors. But he simply wants to plough on and is getting all stressed out as the event date approaches. He’s often breaking down and cries aloud that the Universe is not compassionate to him. Indulging in self-pity is a sure sign of denial. What this person must recognize is that the business model he is following is not taking off. So, something new must we worked on. Pushing forward without sponsors will only mean that he is digging himself a bigger grave – of debt!

Denying something even though you know it exists__a financial, relationship, health or self-belief problem__doesn’t make the problem go away. Or simply, denial does not help you avoid experiencing pain in a problem situation. It, in fact, increases your suffering. Because, since the problem doesn’t cease to exist, and continues to nag you, you are forever consumed by your fears. Wherever there is fear, suffering will be there too. To be sure, on the other hand, accepting__and not denying__a problem too does not make the problem go away. But because you accept it, and therefore you attempt to work on solutions__however long they may take__despite the pain, despite the circumstances, you do find inner peace and happiness.

There are no two ways to live Life. There is just one way __ live in total acceptance. The moment you deny whatever is happening, whatever you are going through, you are not saying yes to Life. You are not saying yes to whatever is. Know that saying yes to what is always leads to happiness – whatever be the circumstances!

Denying the problem does not make it go away

Refusing to look at a problem, or denying its existence, cannot make your Life any simpler.

All what you suffer from comes from what you deny. Facing Life and taking a problem head on is what can make you solve it and live in peace.

But we invariably don’t like to exorcise our demons. We somehow have become comfortable suffering, feeling tormented, preferring to stay debilitated than feeling liberated. Because continuing to be miserable seems far easier than having to work hard to rid ourselves of what makes us miserable!

I met someone recently after a couple of years. He, in his own opinion, was financially ‘very well off’. Yet he found his Life ‘incomplete’. He spent entire days, daily, in a prominent five-star hotel’s bar, literally being there from the time it opened to when it closed! He lamented to me that his wife no longer loved him and all she wanted was ‘his credit card and a certain sum of cash monthly for her shopping sprees’. His 24-year-old son, though married, was not exactly doing anything significant and ‘lived off’ his dad. His daughter was the only one who understood him but their relationship too in recent years had come under stress. She wanted to go overseas for higher studies but he was insistent that she marry now because that was the norm in his ‘community’. He said to me, in a tone reflective of a defeated man, “I have lost it in Life. I have done no wrong. Yet everyone around me has let me down. I am suffering. I wish I could die.”

I laughed at him and looked him in the eye. I told him: “My friend, you are the problem. For, as far as I know you, you have been drinking entire days for years now. You have a drinking problem – spurred by a lack of Purpose in your Life. You have enough and more money. So, because you don’t know how to be useful and productive, you are indulging in something that has already ruined your family Life and is on the verge of consuming you.”

My friend suddenly turned hostile. He ended our meeting and drove away drunk in his car, despite my request and protests to engage a taxi leaving his car behind.

I wish he understood that unless he faced the brutal reality of his Life, he may really be unable to make it any better.

Just as my friend has a problem, each of us has a problem too. All of us like to deny whatever is our problem__ranging from a relationship to a lousy job to a ruinous habit__hoping that time will take care of it! This is one area where no one can help you than you, yourself! 

But facing the truth is scary. How does one see the reality?

Good question. And so, it is with all situations, with all of humanity, with all aspects of Life! Fundamentally, if you know what you want out of your Life, you can go find that Life and recreate, reinvent yourself. But if you don’t know what you want, how can anyone help you? This question is not as profound as many people make it out to be. It is a dumb question. Even a person with low IQ can answer it __ by approaching Life the other way, by knowing, for starters, what you don’t want in your Life! Because the truth is that nobody wants to suffer. Since you don’t want to suffer or be miserable why do anything, or accept any situation that accentuates your suffering?

Remember: There are no two ways in which you can change your current realities or end your suffering! So, if you are feeling miserable about anything__or anyone__in Life, sit down and introspect. Diligently make a list of actions that you must take to end your misery. Resolve to do it. And just get down to doing it. Don’t give yourself the license to make excuses. My good friend Andy Law, maverick creative thinker and head of The Law Firm, says, “Unless you are prepared to give up something valuable you will never be able to truly change at all, because you’ll be forever in the control of things you can’t give up.” What he is reiterating is this: the only way to solve a problem is to first accept that it exists. 

Acceptance is always complete only when you accept ‘whatever is’

When sadness arises in you don’t repress it. Just feel the sadness – deeply, intensely, genuinely. This way it will dissolve into inner peace.  

Feeling sad is a natural expression. It happens to everyone. No one can escape feeling sad in certain situations – when things have not gone your way or when you have not got what you wanted or when you have lost someone or something that you loved with all your heart. But sadness is also a debilitating emotion. No one likes being sad. It wears you down. So you start hating being sad. And you become sadder. Soon you are more sad that you are sad than being sad for the initial cause of your sadness. Remember, when you resist anything – including sadness – it persists. It lingers on. So, the way to deal with sadness is to feel it. Give it all the attention that it seeks. You will then see it make way for a rare sense of peace within you.

Someone we know is dealing with a painful separation with her spouse. Their’s was a dream relationship. They came from different backgrounds and different communities. But both of them were so beautiful together – everyone felt they were ‘made for each other’. They made the right adjustments and got married. They soon had a child. Now, they find themselves drifting apart. And this is obviously coming as a shock to everyone who know them. The lady is sad with the turn of events – naturally! And she’s been hating the feeling.

She asked me if acceptance means even accepting something that “you hate”. I explained to her: “Acceptance is always complete only when you accept whatever is. So, if you are feeling sad, accept the sadness.”

“But sadness is so boring, dreary and makes me feel heavy,” she protested.

“Good. That’s the time when you must employ this awakening, this realization, that is born in you and release the sadness. Just let it go,” I advised.

When you let the sadness go, when you don’t battle it, it makes way for inner peace. Osho, the Master, goes beyond merely suggesting that we accept a feeling like sadness, and advises that we must “befriend” whatever we are feeling so that we anchor in inner peace.

This applies to all feelings and all contexts in Life. Whenever some feeling arises in you, don’t try to escape. Go the full nine yards – feel it, experience it, feel the pain, the sadness, even the initial suffering, accept it, befriend it as Osho says, and then let it go. Without hating it or condemning it. The happiness that arises within you after you let that feeling go is what will cleanse you and give you closure. Then, and only then, will you be peaceful – and be able to move on and live happily!

You are the Light you seek!

Don’t live in denial. Then you will live in darkness. When you live in acceptance of what is, you live in bliss – and Light!

When faced with Life's inscrutable ways, we often spend a lot of time in denial__of what's happening to us__asking 'Why?' and 'Why Me?'. We hope that in asking so, we will get some answers. We hope to reason with Life. We demand logic. Life doesn't understand those questions. Life doesn't work that way. Life's mechanical, in a manner of speaking, like a tennis ball machine, that keeps spewing out ball after ball. Incessantly. When the ball that comes our way meets or exceeds our expectations, we call it opportunity. We say 'WOW!, Life's Great!' When the ball that comes our way does not meet our expectations and shocks us, we say 'Life Sucks!' or we ask 'Why?' or 'Why Me?'. There's no way you or I can control what comes our way. Instead of greeting what's coming with shock, resistance and disbelief, we can be accepting and patient.

Remember each of Life's experiences is to make you mature, better and stronger. Jalaluddin Rumi, the 13th Century Persian mystic and poet, said it so simply, meaningfully,"No mirror ever became iron again; No bread ever became wheat; No ripened grape ever became sour fruit. Mature yourself and be secure from a change for the worse. Become the Light."

So, don't fight Life. Don't resist. Don't detest. Be patient. Just accept. Just be. Peace will engulf you, soaking you in bliss. You will then see yourself as the Light that you seek.

The power of, and in, acceptance

When you accept things and people for what they are, it does not necessarily mean you approve of them that way. Acceptance leads you to inner peace – and that, if you really want to, helps you to work on changing the way people and things are.

Let’s say you have been trying to deal with someone who has a drinking problem – a parent or partner or sibling or colleague or friend. You have tried to counsel, inspire, dictate and plead with that person to give up drinking. But all that has been in vain. Now, accepting that person for who he or she is, the way he or she is, will definitely help you be peaceful with yourself and your current reality in matters concerning this person. But will your evolved, “accepting” nature, seem like a sign of approval and invite more of such “unreasonable” behavior by the person concerned? Well, it really will not if you ensure that your acceptance of the situation – of having to deal with an alcoholic in your Life – is not seen as sign of your approval of alcoholism as an act. Your acceptance is for you to see things, and people, the way they are. When you are fighting a situation, you are hoping things will change dramatically by your mere resistance. But some situations – like reforming an alcoholic, fixing a broken relationship, turning around a failed business – take a lot of time. No situation or reality can be turned around by resisting it. It is only through accepting a situation, that you can understand its contours with total clarity. It is only by seeing a situation clearly that you can work on solving it.

Of course, sometimes acceptance can lead you to total detachment too. We had a friend who, over time, became an alcoholic and wasted himself completely. His wife loved him dearly and tried her best to wean him off the bottle. But he was unable to give up drinking. Initially, his wife grieved a lot. But then she learned to accept her reality, learned to accept her companion for the way he was, and, in fact, cared for him compassionately, as he was struck by cirrhosis of the liver and had to spend months in hospital. He eventually died, felled by his ruinous habit! When we visited her, she had this to say: “I had tried everything that I humanly could. When I realized that I could not change him anymore, I simply became accepting of him the way he was. I saw him die. But while he was in hospital, I did everything I again could to care for him. My acceptance of the situation gave me tremendous inner peace. There was no grief anymore. Just peace.”

Acceptance works in all situations and with all kinds of people. You can use acceptance to work on finding a solution to whatever you are faced with or practise detachment if a solution evades you. Importantly, acceptance is what makes you peaceful. When you are at peace with yourself and your world you can make more informed, intelligent choices. It is through such choices that you can live the Life that you truly want. When you live a Life that you love, you cannot but be happy – despite the circumstances that you find yourself in!

Whatever’s yours will come to you – no matter what!

Nobody can take away what is due to you and nothing can help you get what’s not meant for you! This is an unalterable Law of Life!

Anupam Kher - Saaransh - 1984

  

Anupam Kher’s story and Life is inspiring. Overcoming facial paralysis and a bankruptcy, he is today not just an actor and producer-director, but is also a Life coach, a motivational speaker and author. We often respond to denial by Life – through people and events – pretty much like the way Anupam did. That’s natural. And in a way, we must demand what we believe is rightfully ours. In his case, he was so convincing that Bhatt decided to cast his lot with Anupam, betting on the young man’s passion. And so it worked out for everyone – for Anupam, for Bhatt and for Barjatya – “Saaransh” was a super hit and was even India’s entry for the Academy Awards under the Best Foreign Language Film category in 1985.

Even so, there will be times, when you will not get what you want or what you believe is rightfully yours. In all such times, as in any other, it is important to know that what’s yours will always come to you – no matter who or what comes in the way. And you will never get what’s not meant for you – no matter who’s helping you get it! There’s a divinity that shapes our ends. And it goes beyond human understanding and beats all logic. So, the best way to live Life is to make your efforts, sincerely, passionately, and accept Life for what it is. That’s the essence of what the Bhagavad Gita also teaches us – “Make sure your motive is pure and the means are right, then do your best and leave the rest (the results) to Life!”

Acceptance makes dealing with problems simpler

Life is not a problem. But Life is full of them. Intelligent living is to know that Life’s problems cannot be wished away but have to be accepted. Problems can either be solved by you, by applying logic and intellect, or when you can’t solve them, you can allow them to be solved by Life, over time!

Fundamentally, problems become simpler __ even if not easier __ to manage when you accept them. But if you keep denying that there is a problem, then you are creating a conflict with both the problem and within yourself. Because one part of you is forcing you to see the problem and accept it. While another part is forcing you to deny its existence. Out of this denial, fear and insecurity is born.

Denial itself stems from lack of awareness. Denial is when you are arguing with Life. You are arguing because you expect Life to be fair, and so you believe that nothing “out-of-the-ordinary” is going to happen to you. But the truth may well be that “it” has happened to you. Why deny what has happened? Denial is not going to make a problem go away. In fact, it will breed fear, which itself is then a new problem to deal with. Of course,  accepting a problem is not going to make it disappear. But acceptance at least makes you peaceful – and through that inner peace, your ability to deal with the problem, or attempt solutions, is enhanced.

Let’s say, someone is finding no joy in her marriage. She suspects that her spouse is not “involved” in their Life anymore. But she continues to brush that thought away and “endures” the marriage. How happy do you think she will be? Her acceptance of the problem may or may not make the marriage any better, but will surely make her peaceful. This is not just true in this lady’s context, it applies to every situation in Life.

We create more problems for ourselves, in most situations, by wanting things to be different from what they are. Instead simply accept. Acceptance is empowering and liberating. While it may not make Life’s problems go away, it certainly enhances your ability to deal with them!

Living free – from Fear

The best way to deal with fear is to understand it. Go to its root. When you get to the bottom of what’s causing you fear, you will be free from it! Important – fear cannot be mastered or conquered. Only understanding it deeply can set you free.

We are all scared of different things – of joblessness, of losing someone we love, of losing money or health, of losing the assets that we have built up, and, of course, of death! Each of those fears connects back to a desire – to be employed, to possess someone, to keep having money, to prevent the biological ageing process, to cling on to what we believe is ours and to not die.

Now examine each of those desires and understand how irrelevant they are in the end. Consider this perspective: Why is it important to be employed? Why is it important to earn money? Do they really matter in the larger scheme of Life when ultimately you have to die leaving behind all your experience, all that you have created or acquired in this lifetime, and all your money?

The truth is also that as long as you fear something you cannot enjoy it. Your job is seeming monotonous because you are insecure in it. You are unable to enjoy the money you have because all the time you fear that you will lose it. You are not enjoying Life because you are consumed by fears of death. The Buddha taught that fear is a manifestation of a subconscious resistance to the impermanent nature of our human existence. When we accept that our entire Life, as we know it, is transient, we will be free from fear.

Here is a Zen story that illustrates this point. A fierce and terrifying band of Samurai was riding through the countryside, creating fear and causing harm wherever they went. As they were approaching one particular town, all the monks in the town's monastery fled, except for the Abbot. When the band of warriors entered the monastery, they found the Abbot sitting calmly, in a perfect, meditative posture. The leader of the Samurai band took out his sword and said, "Don't you know who I am? Don't you know that I'm the sort of person who could run through you with my sword without batting an eye?" The Abbot, a Zen Master himself, responded, "And I, Sir, am the sort of man who could be run through by a sword without batting an eye."

You may like to say that the Abbot displayed a rare courage – fearlessness. But, in reality, he may well have been fearful within. Yet his fear did not surface because he did not mind the outcome of the Samurai’s rage if it came to it! Courage and fearlessness are not the absence of__or denial of the presence of__fear. They come when you develop an intimacy with fear, when you look fear in the eye and face up to it! When you do this, you are actually telling yourself – “What are you afraid of? After all, everything has to be over with one day. So let me let go!”

When you let go, this way, you also let fear go. And you start living – free from fear!

Beware of the fog of denial

The more we deny, the farther we are moving away from happiness. Denial is the first sign of your mind taking over your Life. Denial thrives because the intellect thrives. And whenever the intellect is at work, you can be sure that the mind is controlling you and not the other way round.

Life’s problems don’t happen all of a sudden. They always build up over a period of time. We don’t see the problem as it is because of the state of denial we are often in. A smoker knows smoking will lead to cancer. But he or she keeps denying this reality will affect his or her Life. And so goes on smoking. Many, many months before my Firm went bankrupt, a wise client (and a close friend) of mine had told me that “if you continue running your business this way, pretty soon you will go bankrupt”. I denied his sage counsel. I thought since he belonged to a generation ahead of me, he was conservative and hence not a risk-taker. So, I did not heed his advice. Eventually, when my Firm’s fortunes came crashing, I awakened to the realization that I should have never denied the problem we were in all that while.

Denying something even though you know it exists__a financial, relationship, health or self-belief problem__doesn’t make the problem go away. Or simply, denial does not help you avoid experiencing pain in a problem situation. It, in fact, increases your suffering. Because, since the problem doesn’t cease to exist, and continues to nag you, you are forever consumed by your fears. Wherever there is fear, suffering will be there too. To be sure, on the other hand, accepting__and not denying__a problem too does not make the problem go away. But because you accept it, and therefore you attempt to work on solutions__however long they may take__despite the pain, despite the circumstances, you do find inner peace and happiness.

There are no two ways to live Life. There is just one way __ total acceptance. The moment you bring in denial of whatever is happening, of whatever you are going through, you are not saying yes to Life. You are not saying yes to WHAT IS. Your fog of denial not only blinds your thinking, it devours your happiness. It is only in denial that you will find all the debilitating emotions of fear, anger, guilt, sorrow, suffering, jealousy, anxiety and such. When you accept WHAT IS, when you say yes to Life, there is nothing more required. Examine your Life and expunge all denial from it. Know that saying yes to WHAT IS always leads to instant happiness! Call it nano-second nirvana if you like!

Why Total Surrender to Life is the most intelligent thing to do!

On the path to Bliss, total surrender to Life is what works ultimately!

But the fickle human mind tries to obsess with methods and practices __ hoping to find a way out. Because the mind is reminding you__and me__that it is in control. The mind is the biggest charlatan. And it revels in controlling you. This is nothing but your ego at work. You have a relationship issue, the mind says it can solve it. You have a health issue, it says it can solve it too. You have a financial crisis, the mind says there’s a way out. And so the mind goes on, dragging you from hope to despair and back, holding you in its clutches.

Here’s a simple question: if the mind can solve all our problems, why is the world grappling with so many issues, and why are people suffering all around us?

The fundamental issue is that the mind denies the existence of a problem. It begins with denial. You have an alcohol problem or a tobacco addiction. But the mind will make you deny the problem. It will justify that so many people around the world drink. So many people smoke. Aren’t they living “normal” lives? So, nothing will happen to me. And so you will pick up another drink and light up one more time!

Denial breeds anger. Because despite your denials, the problem persists. So now you are angry. It is like a chewing gum that you has stuck on to your pants and you are fighting to get rid of it. Your helplessness, caused by the gum’s obstinate stickiness, makes you angry. And angrier as time passes.

But your denying something or kicking around does not make the problem go away. Whether it is an addiction or a broken relationship. That’s when, besieged by the problem’s refusal to go away, you ask yourself “Why Me?”. Again the same logic from the same mind. So many billion people on the planet, why am I being singled out for this treatment __ be it addiction, be it a relationship, a cancer, a lay off, a business collapse or a scandal that ruins your reputation?

Again, after screaming yourself hoarse, asking “Why Me?” for months and, sometimes, for years, you come to a grudging acceptance that the principal reason why the problem persists is because you are resisting it. Grudging acceptance is a good thing. And often leads to fleeting, momentary experiences of peace and bliss. Once you have tasted bliss, you want more of it! And some more of it! Again and again!

That’s when, tired and beleaguered of course, enchanted and enamored by the bliss you have experienced briefly, you move towards accepting your situation. From trying methods and attempting solutions, you slip into acceptance. And while the problem remains, confounded and complicated, you feel peaceful. This peace encourages you to review your own Life. And the way you have lived it so far. In whatever problem situation you are in currently, you, for the first time, recognize that you have contributed to it in some measure __ big or small. Acceptance leads you total surrender at this stage. And, in a nanosecond, in a dazzling Eureka moment, you see that for your current reality to change, to transform, YOU must first transform!

This, “I must be the change I want to see in my world”, moment is magnificent, magical. And physical personal change alone is not what happens at this stage. Of kicking an addiction or having the courage to walk out on a debilitating relationship. What happens is you change the way you look at yourself. You realize that you are not the body. You are not the mind. And in that state of surrender, deep in the throes of real-Life, real problem, you experience peace, joy and a oneness with creation. That, really, my dear friends, is Bliss. And it need not necessarily be found under a Bodhi Tree! It can be found while reading this post on facebook or in a moment of privacy and solitude on your potty! The literate will call that moment an ‘epiphany’. For the lay person, like you and me, just know that it is the time when you will feel unburdened, unshackled and liberated! And you will not what that moment to ever go away!

The question then is, if Acceptance leads us to Total Surrender which in turn leads us to Bliss, all this in such a short span of time, why do we need to, for years at times, deny, fret, fume, kick around, bemoan, grudge, blame in the first place? Why not arrive at the Total Surrender point directly? Isn’t that what basic commonsense would tell you is THE intelligent thing to do? Indeed. It will. And it is. Think about it!