Adieu Venks: A requiem for my spiritual friend

Being alive is not the big issue. All of us are alive. But few of us live fully and fewer still will be remembered after we are gone!

Venks Venkatachalam

My spiritual friend, and my wife’s father, Venks, passed away this morning. He was a great father, an inspiring teacher and a wonderful human being. He lived a full Life. Most important is that he touched the lives of so many, many people in his lifetime. As the tributes pour in on his passing away, my family and I are overwhelmed. It makes me believe, yet again, that there’s great value in considering how you will be remembered for you to awaken to the opportunity to live intelligently – simply, humbly and usefully. Venks epitomized this spirit.

There were a few lessons that I learned from Venks. In celebration of his Life, let me share them here.

First and foremost was his spirit to serve without expectations, selflessly. To him being useful to others was more important than making something for himself. All his Life he never made any material wealth – no cash assets, no real estate, no jewelry, no stock market investments. But because he groomed so many fine students into good leaders and responsible citizens, his Life was always filled with grace. I never saw him wanting anything. But till the very end, till his last breath, he got all that he needed. Isn’t that a true miracle – always getting whatever you need for 84 years on the trot?

The second lesson I learnt from him was that when your children become adults, you have to let go and be non-interfering. He lived with me and my wife for the last 13 years. Of these 13, 8 were filled with the strife of a bankruptcy in our Firm and abject pennilessness on the personal front for my wife and me. Often there were bailiffs from courts and cops following up on Section (Indian Penal Code) 420 matters, against me and my wife, at our door. Sometimes, I would lose my cool and hop mad trying to take out my frustration – over our hopeless situation – and at other times, I would just want to unwind for a few drinks on my couch. On all these occasions, he would never come up and offer any counsel or state a worry. He would, at the most, ask me: “I hope you can manage all this.” And I would say, “Yes Appa.” He would smile and say in his trademark fashion: “Baba (Swami Sathya Sai) will take care”.

I also learnt from him the value of being disciplined with the palate. He never ate out of turn or more than what he needed. Thanks to him, as a family, we learnt to eat our meals on time. And that has helped us all maintain good health. I think it was Gandhi who once said that if you can conquer your palate, you can learn to overcome any temptation. Venks lived by that credo, led it with example and inspired us to practice it ourselves.

Finally the most important lesson I learned from him was that he simply accepted what came his way. He never resisted the Life that he lived at any stage. In his career as a teacher, he faced so many challenges at work. He never sulked. He never protested. On the personal front too, as a father, as a son, as a brother, he faced several problems. But he never ever became bitter with Life or with anyone. When he was diagnosed with cancer of the prostrate and we finally informed him of his condition, he never panicked. His ailment curtailed his mobility to a great extent. Again, he did not take it badly at all. He simply took it in his stride. Two months ago he went into ICU for a stroke. When he came out and made yet another valiant effort to overcome his debilitating condition, he asked my wife: “Is there something about me that you are not telling me?” His speech was slurred (affected by the stroke) but he was keen to know what it was that had happened to him. He asked so that he could perhaps take it as it came and move on with whatever it was. That was his greatest quality. He desired nothing. And he was content with everything – often with anything!

His family, friends, students – and I – will remember him as a karma yogi. Wiki has this to say of karma yoga: Of the three paths to realization, karma yoga is the process of achieving perfection in action. Karma yoga is said to be the most effective way to progress in spiritual Life. Venks lived that perfect Life of action. He lived in this world and yet he was always above it. To imbue that spirit in me, in my wife and in my children, to me, that will be a true celebration of Venks’ Life!  

Learnings from the day when we were left with no – ZERO – cash!

Overtime, Life sorts itself on its own. You always learn how to cope with what you have and let go of what’s not in your control!

Today marks a unique anniversary for my wife Vaani and me. Exactly a year ago, April 28, 2014, we were left with no cash. Absolutely no – ZERO – cash. Through our enduring bankruptcy, since early 2008, we had lived, and survived, with small sums of money. Rs.2000/- at one time. Rs.1000/- at another. And even smaller sums at different times. (I have recounted those nerve-wracking experiences in my Book, ‘Fall Like A Rose Petal – A father’s lessons on how to be happy and content while living without money’; Westland, August 2014)

But 28^th April last year was different. We had been without work and without income for 22 months by then. We didn’t have a car anymore (we still don’t have one). All the gadgets/appliances at home had conked out and we didn’t have money to fix them let alone replace them. So, there was no washing machine, no microwave, no mixer-grinder and no TV at home and I personally had no mobile phone at that time. Mercifully, we had a roof over our heads and food on the table thanks to my wife’s sister’s support. But with no income, with a household to run and an adult family’s needs to be catered to, you do need some basic cash. And we didn’t have much. Whatever was coming by was from distant family or from friends who offered to help us randomly. On the 21^st of April 2014, we were down to

Rs.5,000/-.

A friend from Bangalore called and wanted me to come down to address the team of managers (at an annual strategy meet) at one of his client’s companies. He said they didn’t have a budget to offer me a fee, but they could fly me down, handle my ground transfers in Bangalore and I would have to speak for 90m on what I had learned from Life. I accepted the request because I was keen to get out of the “workless” mode we had gotten ourselves into.

The last Eighty Rupees

But reaching Chennai airport for the flight on 26^th April morning cost me a princely Rs.400/-, the sumptuous but frugal breakfast with Bayars’ filter coffee at the Bagini restaurant near Bangalore airport cost me Rs.120/- , and the ride back home from Chennai airport cost me another Rs.450/-. So, on the morning of April 28^th, we were left with Rs.962/-. Vaani reported that we needed vegetables badly. And some basic groceries. We got them: Rs.782/- gone. I realized we had just Rs.180/- left with us. And I decided to buy Vaani roses for Rs.50/-. It was an impulsive decision. I looked at the roses sitting in a tub at the florist’s outside the grocery store. I felt pretty sure that the Rs.180/- were not going to help us get anywhere. But the roses would make our home look good and “feel normal” for at least 24 hours. Besides, I just felt like telling Vaani how much I loved her for loving me so unconditionally – especially when our Life had been reduced to such banality and hopelessness on the material front.

Bhaskaran

We were left with Rs.80/- when we got home with the veggies, groceries and the roses – Rs.50/- being the cost of the autofare! That’s when a friend called and wanted us to come over for dinner to his place. We agreed. Our logic was simple: rather than brood, or worry, over our cashless state, why not take our mind off everything and just chill? But there was a catch. Our friend lived over 5 kms away. We could either take a bus or an auto. An auto would cost Rs.60/- and a bus ride would probably cost us Rs.20/-. We decided to take an auto and request our friend to have us dropped back. The auto-ride cost us Rs.64.90. And I gave Bhaskaran, the driver, Rs.80/- – that is, his fare, plus a Rs.15/- tip – and told him that this was the last of all the money we had. He stared at me in disbelief. He offered to return the tip back to me. We let him keep it and instead shot his picture as a memoir. (See pictures alongside of the Rs.80/-, the last cash we had and of Bhaskaran who received the money from us!)

That night, 28^th April, both Vaani and I felt very light. There was no worry. No anxiety. Our friend had whipped up a great meal and there was some fine Scotch whisky, Bacardi and wine to go with it. We celebrated our absolute penniless state that night. Soon, someone was in a mood to sing. And we all sang songs. An impromptu antakshari of sorts. It was a Monday night I remember. It was past 2 am when we got home – our friend had us dropped back. For the state in which we were, we slept well. Very well. For the next 10 days, till the 8^th of May, we remained cashless. No money to do anything – resultantly no groceries, no veggies, no stepping out of home to meet anyone for we couldn’t even take a bus anywhere! During this time, whenever we felt hopeless, Vaani and I talked a lot among ourselves. We talked about Life, about Swami (Sathya Sai Baba), about our courtship, about our children and raising them, we talked about loving each other, about gratitude and about acceptance. Those conversations were beautiful and meaningful. We went for long walks. We watched old DVDs on our laptops (since we didn’t have a TV). And we stayed engaged with the world on facebook and on WhatsApp.

Then on 8^th of May, the friend who had arranged for my Talk at Bangalore, called me out of the blue. He said his client was very moved by our story (I had delivered my ‘Fall Like A Rose Petal Talk’ for his managers championing reflection, resilience and resourcefulness in troubled times). His client wanted to make a token payment to me and Vaani and wanted my bank details. I was humbled. And I sent it to him on email and by mid-morning the funds had arrived in my account. I rushed to the ATM and withdrew the cash. It got us going for a week or so. Until we encountered another period of cashlessness – but yet again, we were bailed out. And then we went cashless again. We went cashless for a total period of 18 days, in four spells, between April 28^th and June 21^st 2014. Let me confess, it was excruciatingly painful being that way. But it was also a period that taught me and Vaani a lot.

Fundamentally, it taught us that the best way to live is to let go of what you cannot control. Truly, in the state we were in, bankrupt, workless and cashless, we could do nothing than just face what came our way. What was coming was what we didn’t want or ever imagined we would have to face, but that’s the way it was to be. So, we let go and accepted our reality. Second, we stayed positive by looking at the abundance in our lives – we celebrated each other and our two precious children. Third, we thanked the Universe for the experience we were being put through – we are extremely grateful for the lessons we have learnt in this time of test and strife. And finally, we lived in gratitude to all those people – known and unknown – who have helped us and were continuing to help us through this time, ensuring that our Life’s journey progressed, onward, one day at a time.

What this phase has also taught us is that there’s a great value in celebrating what you have and letting go of what you can’t control. Simply, celebrating helps you soak in gratitude and letting go helps you anchor in peace. That peace, well, no money can ever buy!

You are not your problem

Don’t identify yourself with your problems – face them, solve them but don’t ever think that you are them.

Yesterday a friend called me. She was on the verge of tears. Her husband has been battling a chronic skin ailment causing both pain and low self-esteem. Their business has been struggling. And her job at a multi-national has been fraught with challenges. “It’s been very, very, very tough AVIS. We have even considered dying,” she said.

I can relate to and empathize with her situation. But thinking depressively about Life and contemplating ending one’s Life does not, and will never, solve problems. Sometimes Life will push you to a corner and it may appear to be a no-go situation, it may seem like it is the end of the road; but you must not give up. It is at such times that you must remind yourself that you are not the problem you are faced with. You may be having a relationship issue, you may be a divorcee. But you are not the divorce. You may have psoriasis. But you are not psoriasis. You may be bankrupt, penniless – like me. But you are not the bankruptcy. You may have a quadriplegia condition. But you are not the quadriplegia. In summary, never let the definition of your problem become a label that you stick on yourself or allow others to stick on you. Each of your problems is a manifestation of Life’s challenges that populate different phases of your Life. These problems will arrive when they must and they will leave you when they must. The moment you think that your problems are permanent, the moment you think that your problems define you, you have lost the game of Life. Depression will set in and you will merely exist – and not actually live!

I learnt this lesson in 1998 from a man named Ashok, who had a HIV +ve condition. My work with YRG CARE, a pioneering center for AIDS research and education, led by the legendary Dr.Suniti Solomon, brought me in contact with Ashok. I was initially very wary of him. Although I knew how one contracted AIDS, I did not want to shake hands with or even sit next to Ashok at meetings. He sensed my discomfort and accosted me with a broad smile one day. He said: “Brother, I am HIV +ve. But I am not the disease. I cannot transfer my condition to you just because you spoke to me or shook hands with me. I know I have limited time left on this planet. And I don’t intend on living that time worrying about my condition. I am not my condition. I am just another you – perhaps with a different physical condition compared to you! Just as you have diabetes, I am HIV +ve. Please, please, feel comfortable in my presence!” What he told me hit me like a ton of bricks. Ashok passed away some years back, but the lesson I learnt from him has stayed with me.

Whatever you may be faced with, don’t ever let it get to you. Death, divorce, cancer, career crisis, bankruptcy, loss of reputation – none of these, or any other, can affect you if you don’t identify yourself with the problem. Instead face your problem, deal with it daily, but never believe that you are your problem. This is the way to inner peace when faced with any of Life’s inscrutable designs! 

Drop all disappointments. Live free!

Live Life without regrets, without disappointments. When you live this way, you will see how magical and beautiful your Life is.

A friend invited me for a drink a few days ago. Along with him, at the bar, was his boss, Hemant. After the introductions were made, Hemant was keen to know what my Book, ‘Fall Like A Rose Petal – A father’s lessons on how to be happy and content without money’ (Westland, August 2014), was all about. So, I gave him a background and said that my Book’s message was really about accepting Life for what it is and learning to be happy despite the circumstances.

Hemant heard me out. He looked away for a while as we three sat silently at the table. He then picked up his glass, drank from it, leaned forward and asked me, “What is your biggest disappointment?”

I replied, instantaneously: “I have no disappointments.”

“But how can that be,” protested Hemant, “when you are in such a terrible financial state, when you have no money to cover even your living expenses, when you owe so much to so many people. How can you say you are not disappointed with Life?”

I smiled, and explained my perspective to Hemant and my friend. It is not that I had not felt disappointed before. It is not as though I don’t feel disappointed when our efforts to put our business back on track fail every single time that we try. But you learn, I told them, to not carry a disappointment in you when you realize its futility. What is a disappointment? Simple – an unfulfilled expectation is a disappointment. A lost opportunity is a disappointment. But Life does not bother whether you have an expectation or not. If you have an expectation from Life, and it goes unfulfilled, it is your problem. Life just goes on. Similarly, you got an opportunity, and if you blew it, it’s your problem. Life gave you that opportunity, you did not make use of it. Who is to blame? And what is the point in holding on to the blame, the guilt, the disappointment – the lost moment, the lost opportunity is never going to come back. So, why feel disappointed? In my case, there’s a lot of scope for disappointment – I need not have taken some business decisions that led to our Firm’s bankruptcy and to my family being pushed to the brink of penury; I ought to have saved money for our children’s future, when our business was doing very well, and when my wife used to implore me to do so. That time’s gone. Those questionable decisions were made. The opportunities were lost. Events happened and we are in the state we are in. What has happened is irreversible. What’s the point in being disappointed now about whatever has happened in the past?

Understanding and avoiding disappointments helps in any context in Life. A disappointment always brings grief and depression along with it. Together they make a debilitating cocktail of emotions that can hold you hostage forever. Instead of being a slave to these emotions, be free. Learn from your mistakes, your choices, your decisions and let go of all disappointments and guilt. Forgive yourself for what you did. Forgive others for what they have done. When you do this, you will feel phenomenally peaceful. When you anchor in this inner peace, you will experience the beauty and magic of each moment.