The only way to heal is to share, be open and not worry about being vulnerable!

You are not alone. Everyone has problems. So, stop obsessing over your problems and start living.

Our daughter has enrolled for a Creative Dance Movement Therapy Program. She intends to make a career out of practicing dance movement therapy. We asked her how her Program was coming along. Over some soup and pasta, she explained to us how the Program’s instructor insisted that they employ the therapy techniques on themselves first. She said: “It was a therapeutic, healing experience. As each of my class fellows shared their Life stories, I realized that we are not the only ones facing problems. Everyone is. And the only way to heal yourself is to be open, to share what you feel and to not worry about being vulnerable.”

I am delighted our daughter at 20-something has understood the futility of keeping things bottled up. I learnt this only when I was 35. Sadly, many people still don’t get it.

All our suffering comes from wanting our lives to be different from what it is now. And because it is not always possible to change what is, we spend our lives pretending that everything’s normal. For instance, people carry on with broken marriages because they worry about social approval, people live beyond their means because they want to maintain a public profile, people don’t speak their mind because they want to be nice to their oppressors and people are refusing to forgive themselves for what they have said and done only because they are still clinging on to anger and guilt. Here’s the nub: As long as we live, we will face problems. Some of the problems will cripple us physically, some will drain us emotionally. In either context, we must be willing to let go of past experiences, hurts, insults and opinions, and, in many cases, even people – we must simply move on. Anything and anyone that makes us unhappy must be avoided – like plague, even if it is our own thoughts, or even if it is someone with whom we have a biological connect! The past serves only one purpose: it teaches us lessons from what we have been through. Beyond the lesson, we have must have no attachment to a past event, person or experience.

If you are clinging on to someone or something and are suffering, then open up and share. When you share, you may be vulnerable. But you will also heal. You fear being vulnerable only because you think people will take advantage of you. If they do, that’s a learning too – that you can’t count on such people. Believe me, I have been wearing my Life on my sleeve for over 15 years now. And so far, none has exploited my vulnerability. Because, contrary to what we all think, this is a wonderful world, with beautiful, compassionate people! 

Wear your Life on your sleeve

Don’t worry about being vulnerable. Share openly. Bare yourself. Believe me, there are more people out there who are wanting and willing to help, than those who you fear may want to exploit you.

Today, August 1, 2015, marks the first anniversary of the launch of my Book – “Fall Like A Rose Petal – A father’s lessons on how to be happy and content while living without money” (Westland, August 2014). A reader who walked up to me at the Odyssey bookstore the other day had this to say: “Thanks for writing the Book. What you shared made so much sense to me, as it will to many, many others. But you have shared so openly. You have been brutally honest. Don’t you feel vulnerable? Didn’t you think you will be judged? Don’t you feel insecure that your story, and its stark details will lead to people taking you for granted or even exploiting you?” I feel my reader’s point of view is founded on how we believe the world we live in is. This is how most of us see ourselves and the people around us. We imagine we are vulnerable and that the world is full of hawk-like people who want to exploit our vulnerability. From my experience though, I want to tell everyone – as I told this 

reader – that we are totally, totally, wrong if we hold that view.

Sharing makes people relate to you and your story. Sharing makes you draw on and gain from the positive energy that people around you are offering you. Sharing makes you realize that, not just you, but everyone out there is dealing with a situation – you can learn from them and they can learn from you. No one has exploited me or my wife Vaani because we have laid bare our Life in my Book or in my Talks or through Events we conduct to promote the idea that you can be happy despite your circumstances.

Several months ago, Vaani and I were summoned to appear in a court in another state. The law of that state stipulates that in a criminal complaint, such as the one against us, the “accused” must be remanded in custody immediately upon appearance. Of course, a judge hearing the matter, can grant bail to the accused against furnishing of relevant sureties. The judge who was hearing our matter was known to have a very inflexible outlook to matters relating to cheque bounces (such as the one we were accused of) and other economic offences. He always preferred leaning in favor of the complainant and encouraged parties to settle out of court – immediately – to reduce the workload on his already overloaded court. Now, we had no money. So, we could not take the out-of-court settlement route. This meant, per our lawyer, that Vaani and I would both be remanded into custody if we were to go by the judge’s approach to such matters. However, our lawyer, a 75-year-old patriarchal figure, agreed to make a plea for us to be granted bail upon appearance in court.

The judge heard our lawyer’s passionate plea. But rejected the appeal summarily. He then looked at Vaani and me, who were standing in the dock as “accused”, and said, “See, non-payment of monies due to a party can be construed as cheating. It is a serious offence. You have to make arrangements and make a commitment to this court as to when you can pay this party if you want bail.” Vaani and I looked at each other helplessly. And then looked remorsefully at the judge. I spoke: “Sir, we don’t have the money. And without the money, we don’t wish to make the commitment. I have only one request – my wife’s father is very ill (he indeed was in hospital at that time). She needs to be by his side. So, please grant her bail so that she can return to Chennai.” The judge did not reply. He looked at us sternly. He then looked at his watch, adjourned the court for lunch and advised me and my lawyer to see him in his chamber. In a few minutes we were with him in his chamber. He asked me to tell our story in 5 minutes. I took exactly that time and told him how we were in a dark abyss, with no way out in sight. I said it would be both impossible and incorrect to commit to any repayment to anyone until we were first able to find work that helped us survive and then find more work that will help us repay. The judge did not say anything. He asked us to appear in court in the afternoon. When the court resumed, he granted us both bail!

Vaani and I have found, again and again, that behind every person in power or authority, in fact behind every face, there is a beating heart and a personal story. People may not be willing to immediately share their stories just because you share yours. But they can relate to your story. Their relating to you and your story makes them compassionate. This is what the “milk of human kindness” is all about. So, we have never felt vulnerable or cheated or exploited. We have always found ourselves being understood and cared for. Yes, there have been – and continue to be – a few who judge us and refuse to trust us. But I believe even they can’t exploit us. Because when you lay yourself bare, there is nothing anyone can do to you anymore.

Wear your Life on your sleeve. Be honest. Share. Only then can you see what a beautiful world this is – full of kind, caring, compassionate folks! 

Until your time comes

Dealing with death requires a deeper understanding of Life – through an awakening from within.

Our most normal reaction as children to death is total puzzlement. When we asked someone in the family why someone is ‘not waking up’ or ‘not coming these days’, we were told ‘the person has become a star in the sky’ or ‘gone to God’. Therein begins our misunderstanding of death. Slowly, as we grow older, while we begin to appreciate, albeit subconsciously, the certainty of death, and its tendency to arrive unannounced, we loathe it, we fear it. Anything that we fear will torment us. And death is no exception.

A friend passed away yesterday – consumed by cancer of the stomach. He was in his late forties. Seeing his picture in the obituary of The Hindu this morning, an eerie feeling crept into me. Is this it, I wondered. One day, you are there; and the next day you are gone? If this is an unchangeable reality, an eventuality, about Life, why and how is it that some are able to handle death, when it comes calling in their families, calmly while some others suffer endlessly in sorrow?

The answer lies, like with Life itself, in accepting Death for what it is. Osho, the Master, as always, is helpful in promoting our understanding: “Death is always close by. It is almost like your shadow. You may be aware, you may not be aware, but it follows you from the first moment of your life to the very last moment. Death is a process just as Life is a process, and they are almost together, like two wheels of a bullock cart. Life cannot exist without death; neither can death exist without Life. Our minds have an insane desire: we want only Life and not death.”

All desires will bring agony when they are not met. You ask for a cappuccino in a restaurant and you get an espresso instead. You are angry. You want a raise. And your boss says no. You are angry. In the case of desires such as the cappuccino and the raise, your anger__and resultant agony__may result in your desires being fulfilled. But let us say you live in Chicago and you desire that there be no winters? Or you live in Chennai and desire that there be no summers? Is there any point in having desires that are NEVER going to be fulfilled? To have a desire that death must not visit you, your family and your social circle is meaningless, absurd and sure to cause you a lot of suffering. Instead of fearing it, accept, embrace and welcome death. This is the only certainty that Life can offer you. The only guarantee. That you will die. So, what this knowledge calls for is celebration. Not grief. Each time you encounter death around you__to someone you knew, or knew of, or just heard about it in the news__remember that it is Life’s way of nudging you awake, to remind you how precious, how fragile and how impermanent your own Life is. It is a wake up call to live fully and intelligently. We will do well to know that, as departures keep happening in our lifetime, we are all in the same queue, and until our time comes, we must live, share, love and serve.