Respect the way you feel before you respect how others feel
about a situation or about you.
Yesterday
a friend called to say that my father was unwell. He said my brother-in-law was
trying to reach me. I spoke to my brother-in-law and inferred that my dad
indeed had not been keeping good health. However, I excused myself from visiting
him.
My
family – parents and siblings – and I have been estranged for several years
now. In the recent past the estrangement has been acute – a lot of it has to
also do with the money my wife and I have borrowed from my parents in the past to
resurrect our business. Naturally the money still remains due to them because
our business has not picked up enough to enable us to repay anyone. (I have
talked about this forgettable family saga in my Book – “Fall
Like A Rose Petal – A father’s lessons on how to be happy and content while
living without money”; Westland, August 2014.)
But my
decision to distance myself from my parents and siblings has a deeper context.
I feel there is complete mistrust between all of us. Besides, I don’t find any
of them true to who they are making themselves out to be. So, like I have done
in the past, I chose to stay away from the present situation concerning my dad.
And I prefer to remain this way in the future too.
My
stance, without doubt, is debatable. In the world’s view, what I am doing may
be seen as dereliction of duty. Some may term it as total abdication. Others
may view it as lack of compassion: “A 76-year-old is pining for his oldest son,
but the son obstinately clings on to his ego!” Yet others may believe that
because it is a short Life, we must let go, bury our differences, and move on.
My siblings have, for their part, on more than one occasion, pointed out to me
that since I have been unable to return the money I owe to the family, the
least I can and must do is to be a “dutiful” son and look after my parents
physically. Indeed, there are these and several other ways to look at the
choice I have exercised.
But I
have not been driven by any of these considerations. To be sure, I hold no grudge
against my family for the way my wife and I have been treated by them. I also
recognize that I have, in the past, contributed unwittingly to the fractious
environment in the family. Even so, after much reflection and soul-searching,
my realization is that I don’t relate to any of them anymore. I can’t trust any
of them and I feel there’s so much “untruth” and “pretension” on the rare
occasions we have met. I believe they feel this way about me and my wife too.
So, therefore, I have decided to refuse to brush aside this intense discomfort
within me and pretend everything is normal by “showing up and being seen”. I
feel that by staying away from each other we are all anchored in our own
peaceful states. For everyone, including my ailing father, this is the best
place to be in. This is my view. And I am peaceful living my Life with this
view.
Yes, my
wife and I owe my family, just as we owe 178 other creditors, money. And we believe,
when things turn around for us financially, we will repay every rupee to
everyone, with full interest due.
I don’t
expect anyone to agree with my view here. But I will still share the learning I
have gleaned from the experience I have had of being a “member” of my
dysfunctional family! Sometimes when relationships become very messy, when
there is no more relating among the people in the relationship, it is just best
to let go of the relationships. Or, if you can’t, then let them simply be. Trying
to get people, who are hell bent on misinterpreting you, to understand you is a
waste of your precious time and energy. Trying to fulfil your familial
obligations or filial duties at acute discomfort to you, while letting your
inner peace be disturbed, is absolute hara-kiri.
The past does not matter anymore. The future no one has seen. In the present,
if you can’t trust someone, if you don’t feel happy being in someone’s
presence, simply don’t pretend being comfortable and suffer in the bargain.
Nothing is worth more in Life than your inner peace. If you cannot feel good
being someplace with someone, don’t go there, don’t be with them. Whoever they
may be. It is important you respect how you feel before
you even respect the way others will feel.
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