We sometimes don’t realize we have
this phenomenal ability to forgive and move on. So we end up suffering people
and situations – often endlessly!
Two days ago, I met a young lady who was very
disturbed emotionally. Her’s is an arranged marriage. Her husband of five years,
she says, had let her down over an issue raised by his mother – her
mother-in-law. He had apparently abused her (his wife) and held her accountable
for “insulting” his mother. This incident is over two years old and even as
this young lady has been struggling with this emotional hurt, her husband has
been diagnosed with cancer. Interestingly, she’s been by his side, dutifully
nursing him and helping him cope with all the pain and depression. She told me
while she was doing whatever she could to help her husband, she was still
unable to get over her hurt over the past and move on. “I simply am unable to
forgive him for what he did to me. Agreed, my mother-in-law made a mountain out
a molehill, but I can’t understand why my husband vented his fury at me. I felt
trampled upon and felt like dirt. Now, when I sit by his side all night helping
him deal with his pain and nightmares, I am also suffering within. I feel so
much anger for him. Instead of letting it all out, I am having to control it
and look after him. This makes me feel worse,” the lady told me, breaking down
a few times as she shared her predicament.
I told her that she was making matters
worse for her by carrying so much hurt and anger within her. She either has to
express her anger – which is to tell her husband how she feels about being
treated the way she was or she has to forgive him and move on. It will be ideal
if she can do both. Her suffering, I told her, was coming from repressing her
feelings. Since her husband is in a fragile state himself, the only way forward
for her – and him – at the moment, is for her to be by his side. And since this
is not the time to rake up a past hurt and discuss it, she must forgive him and
pour her heart into caring for him. (Well, she has the option to leave him at
this time. But she, rightly so, does not want to exercise this option.)
Her story may seem unique. But it is not.
Many of us suffer from not being able to speak our minds when we must. And many
of us also suffer from our inability to forgive and move on. It may not always
be possible for us to forget whatever has happened in Life, but we can surely
forgive others for what they have done to us. Here’s the nub: when someone does
something to you that you do not appreciate, simply tell them so on their face.
If you can’t speak up – send that person a text, an email or a WhatsApp message
or a facebook messenger note. Then forgive that person and move on. If you have
failed to speak your mind and communicate your feelings because you see no
point in even discussing the issue with this person, at least forgive this
person for his or her transgression and move on. The more you cling on to a
hurt, an insult, an abuse, a betrayal, the more you will suffer. Interestingly,
unless you “allow” someone to hurt you emotionally, you will never suffer. If
you treat people with the view that everyone is entitled to their opinions and
behaviors, you will never be emotionally disturbed no matter what people do to
you. However, since not all of us can claim to be so evolved and mature, the
best way is to speak up or move on or, in a best case scenario, do both. Never
suffer anyone or anything grieving that you “wish” you were treated better. It is this wishing, your wishing, that is causing your
suffering. And never the person or the event that has upset you.
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