Wanting to control
Life is like trying to hold on to water in your fist. However hard you try, the
water will always slip away…leaving your hand wet, but empty!
I met a friend yesterday who
said he was perhaps facing a mid-Life crisis. He had started off on his own
some years back. Then, when that venture didn’t do well, he took up employment
again. He had changed a few jobs in the last five years, he wasn’t earning
enough money, his kids were growing up and he was clearly insecure about his
future. He lamented, “I have this feeling that I am being led. I am no longer
in control of my career and Life. I don’t think I will be able to put my kids
through college at this rate.”
I explained to him that there
never is a thing called a mid-Life crisis. “You feel crisis-ridden because
there’s a turmoil within you. Your wants are in conflict with your reality,” I
said. My friend wants a more challenging and well-paying job. He wants to save
money for his kids’ higher education. And the reality is that he is having a
mediocre job, that pays him just so much that he can make ends meet. Which
means the reality is that he is unable to save any money. His insecurity, his
gripped-by-crisis-like feeling comes from his wants. His reality is perfect as
it is. His wants are what are disturbing him. I said that the only way he could
change his reality was to work on it instead of worrying about it.
This is so true for each of
us in our own Life situations. Our upbringing and education make us believe
that we are in control of our lives. To a large extent it just appears to be
so. You study hard, you graduate, you get an employment, you start earning and
saving. When this pattern of progression is uninterrupted, it soon becomes
predictable and also makes you believe that you have caused and controlled your
Life and career. But ask those who have seen a series of interruptions early on
in their lives and they will tell you a different story. Someone’s been
dyslexic or someone’s been orphaned or someone’s had an accident leading to a
disruption in academics or someone’s just not found a job despite good grades!
Ask these folks and they will tell you that nothing is really in our control –
that we are merely being led by Life. So, there’s really no crisis and
definitely no such thing as early-Life or mid-Life or late-Life crisis. There’s
just Life happening in its own unique way for you – all the while. Whatever’s
happening is your current reality. Period. As long as you are focused on that
reality and acting from that point of view, you will be fine. The moment desire
steps in, the moment you start wanting the reality to be different or starting
thinking of a future reality, misery will set it. You could feel anything –
from anxiety to suffering – and all of them will be debilitating.
This does not mean inaction
at all. I am not advising my friend to live with his mediocre, low-paying job
forever. All I am telling him is this – please look for a better opportunity,
but don’t pine for it. Keep trying, but stop lamenting. Keep the focus on what
you must do, just don’t concentrate on what you don’t have. Accept the Life
that you have rather than trying to control it.
Life has been going
on, is going on and will go on not because of you but in spite of you! This is
the truth. When you awaken to and understand this reality, you too will learn
to be peaceful and to go with the flow of Life!
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