When you can’t relate to someone,
just move on. There’s no point in clinging on to the relationship when there’s
no relating between you and the other person.
A friend has filed for divorce. She’s taken this
decision after realizing that she can’t make the marriage work. She says she
gave it time and a few chances. But she only found herself growing more distant
and disengaged with her husband.
I feel she has done the right thing. Her’s is a
classic situation where the relating is missing in the relationship. But
everyone, from her family to her close friends, is blaming her for moving too fast
to ‘end the relationship’. They want her to give it some more time. Now, this
is where people wanting to separate must be clear – society, family, even
courts cannot be, and must not be, allowed to decide for you. To be sure, a
matter goes beyond a couple and requires reconciliation by a third party only
because the two people in question have stopped relating to each other and therefore
find it impossible to have a meaningful conversation. So, if someone has
decided to move on, they must be allowed to.
It is far more important that you are happy and
peaceful within yourself than trying to sustain a relationship, for society’s or
family’s sake, that has been dead for a long, long time.
When people with children are separating, they must
realize and respect the fact that each of them has a right over the child’s
development and welfare. You cannot let your individual differences with your
erstwhile spouse drive you to deny that person visiting or parenting rights.
So, when children are involved, exercise maturity. Look at the whole situation
very practically. Very matter of factly. Here’s a crisp set of thoughts that
you must visit: You cannot live with your spouse any more. So separate. But
give your child’s other parent as much right as you would seek over your child.
Agree on a workable plan involving your child with your estranged spouse. Both
of you go tell the court what the arrangement is and get your divorce decree.
It is as simple as that.
I guess most couples complicate the process of separation
and divorce because they are still hurting over what happened. Maybe they feel
rejected. Maybe they feel cheated. Or simply let down. And they want to get
even. They want to avenge. Or they want the money – part of the estate or
alimony. There’s nothing wrong in feeling angry and sorry with the situation.
But can anger or grief help you in any way? There’s no harm also in working on
the financial framework for the separation. But why fight over arriving at such
a framework. Why be emotional? If you have decided to move on, let the process
be shorn of anger, grief, scorn and blame. In fact, take a few weeks off. Don’t
do anything. Don’t mediate. Don’t counter argue. Don’t berate. Just let things
be. After a few weeks if you still wish to proceed with the separation and/or
divorce process, just do it clinically, unemotionally. Consider this: isn’t it
better you end a relationship that has drained you than fight over it? Isn’t it
better that you and the other person give each other space and dignity – after all
you spent quality time knowing each other and living with each other?
Simply,
to separate from someone you can’t relate too is the most sensible thing to do.
Just don’t make the separation acrimonious and miserable for everyone –
especially for the children. Do it with focus, with compassion and with a
win-win attitude. The best gift you can give your child is a
happy marriage with your spouse. Now, if you can’t give that gift, for whatever
reason, make sure you don’t take away your child’s happiness!
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