What others think of you is none of your
business! Seriously!!
A
common trap we all fall victim to is to grieve over the perceptions that others
have of us. For some strange, inexplicable reason, what others think of us,
always, matters more than what we think of ourselves. And while these opinions,
that others have of us, cause us untold hurt and, often, suffering, we still
continue to give them the importance that they absolutely, simply, don’t
deserve.
There
are only two kinds of opinions. One that creates value – which is, when you
heed them, they help you become a better person, professional and human being. The
other kind debilitates. It hurts. It is the second category of opinions that we
must be wary of. We can’t escape them. But we sure can choose not to let them
affect us when they are thrown at us!
I
learnt this lesson the hard way in Life. For a long, long time, well into my
late thirties, I would hurt from others’ opinions of me. Which, predictably,
varied from the banal to the absurd. I would work hard at clarifying to people
who had read me wrong or strive, even harder, to change their opinion of me. In
trying to do all this I would grieve and suffer endlessly. Then, one morning, I
read this quote by the famous philosopher and thinker Jiddu Krishnamurthi
(1895~1986): “The ability to observe oneself without
evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence.” I remember that I was in the middle of my daily
practice of mouna – observing an hour
of silence. My business had collapsed. There was no money to even support the
family. I had to deal with a lot of creditors – each of whom were driven by
their urgency to recover their money that was stuck with me/in our business.
So, each one employed a different method to force me and my business to pay up.
A common approach many used was to accuse me of being a cheat. It was humiliating
at one level and very, very painful at another. Soon the perception that I may
be faking a financial crisis spread to my own family. And when I was called a
cheat among people with whom I shared a blood relation, I was devastated. That
was when I came by Jiddu Krishmamurthi’s quote. I read it a few times that
morning. Then it struck me that if one had to ‘rise’ above judging oneself, in
order to stay anchored and peaceful, what purpose did it serve to worry about others’
opinions of you? In a flash I awakened to the pointlessness of it all.
Ever
since, I have let my awareness build a protective shield around me. People
still opinionate about me, my actions and my Life. These opinions come flying
at me. But they bounce off my awareness – unable to touch me or affect me.
A
few weeks back, a close friend, called me a ‘coward’. He called me a ‘coward’
because I was not willing to debate a point of view with him. He shared this
opinion of me over facebook chat with me. I simply pasted a smiley emoticon as
my reply to his unsolicited opinion. I am not sure what he made out of my
benign response. It doesn’t matter to me at all though. But another mutual
friend, who heard of this other friend’s effort to “chat” me up, called me and
asked me not to take the latter’s actions seriously. This is what I told that
friend: “Choosing not to enjoin in a pointless debate is not cowardice.” I was
only expressing myself. But my caller friend summed it up brilliantly: “As long
as we are sure of what we are doing and are at peace with ourselves, it shouldn’t
really matter how people perceive us.”
That
is so true. And that’s all there is to it! Let people keep judging and
opinionating. If their opinions are constructive, take them on board. If they
are aimed at only causing you insult and injury – beware! You can’t stop them
from coming at you. But you can well choose to ignore them! An opinion that you don’t allow to affect you is nothing but
a harmless heap of words. You give that heap the stature of an insult and the
power to injure you by taking it seriously!
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