The best way to win any battle is not to fight at all.

Really, nothing is ever worth fighting for. When we fight anything__injustice, insult, injury__we are becoming centres of negative energy. This breeds hatred, anger and contempt.

By not fighting, the advocacy is not to give up one's rights. Or to give up wanting to correct a wrong. You can claim your rights and set a deviant process or method right by addressing the core issue rather than turning yourself into a volcano that is boiling over__hurting yourself and others in the process.

So, the best approach to deal with situations that you don't agree with, that you want to change, is to remain silent and yet keep working on taking irreversible corrective action. The immediate urge to explode, to seize control of and to prove a point must be avoided. The physical dimensions of a fight are simply not worth it. But at the same time keep at bringing about lasting changes to whatever you deem as unjust, unethical and improper. That way, you will contribute to a larger cause__of making a difference with your Life__as opposed to merely feeding your ego.

On a spiritual plane, and Life always bears testimony to this indisputable reality, when you let go, everything that you always wanted and more will come back to you!

The way to heal our world

The death, last week, of Garry Davis at a hospice in Williston, Vermont, in the US, at age 91, would not have made news had it not been for what he did for the last 60 years of his Life. Davis worked relentlessly and passionately for creating One World, where people were not divided by nationality. His thinking was that if there were no nations, there would be no war. Davis was not the first champion of the idea of One World, but was its most consistent, visible and vocal protagonist. To be sure, Albert Schweitzer, Albert Einstein, Jean-Paul Sartre and E.B.White too had led with that idea but Davis was the only one who persevered with it, establishing the World Government for World Citizens, a self-proclaimed international governmental body that has issued documents — passports, identity cards, birth and marriage certificates — and occasional postage stamps and currency. In an obit, The New York Times reports: “The quest for a unified earth was an objective on which Mr.Davis had trained his sights very early. It was born of his discomfort with a childhood of great privilege, his grief at the loss of a brother in World War II and his horror at his own wartime experience as a bomber pilot.”

Davis’ response to a divided and increasingly warring world may appear to be bordering on lunacy when we consider the impracticality and impossibility of the idea. But conceptually there is no other way to heal the world. Every day, as we struggle to digest news from the world over, of civil strife, terrorism, bloodshed and violence, the need for peace, understanding and brotherhood seems only more urgent. facebook may have shrunk the world in terms of communication but the distances between its over 1 billion users has only grown wider, not to mention the other 6.5 billion who are not even similarly connected.

Years ago, Osho, the Master, propounded the idea of a commune, which he believed was the right answer to fractured families, societies, nations and the world at large. Osho reasoned as follows:

•     It is not about living together. Everyone, everywhere is living together. But where’s the togetherness? In today’s world, people don’t even know their neighbors. This is not togetherness, because there’s no communion. So the current societal framework has to be pulled down.
•      The first institution whose myth must be busted is that of the ‘family’. The family is all about possession: husband possesses the wife or vice versa and together they possess the children. The moment you possess a human being, that person’s freedom is lost forever. So, families must cease to exist.
•     And so must marriages. Because marriages are built on the tombstones of love. The relating, the love, between people has long ceased but people still remain trapped in the relationship, in the marriage. Love should be the only law between two human beings. If they decide to live together, only joy should be their binding force, not a social framework.
•      Right now everybody is living according to the idea of others. Religions, nationalities and faith are dividing people and pigeon-holing them. Human beings must just be seekers, discovering joy and inner peace in every living moment!

Perhaps, drawing from both Davis’ and Osho’s concepts, we must pause to reflect:

•      Are any of our beliefs divisive?
•      Are any of our actions even remotely isolating people?
•      What can we do to create a more understanding, caring and loving world _ beginning with our own circles of immediate influence?

These are not profound or global issues. These are simple baby steps heal our ecosystems and to leave this world a better place than we found it!  

 

Hanker not for success nor fear failure

Last evening I was watching an old Hindi movie – Seeta aur Geeta (1972, Ramesh Sippy, starring Hema Malini, Dharmendra and Sanjeev Kumar). An interesting song in the movie got me thinking about success and failure. The lyrics of the song go: “zindagi hai khel, koi pass, koi fail….khiladi hai koi…anari hai koi….” It means, “Life’s a game…some succeed, some fail…some are great players and some are mere fools…”

While those lyrics are surely reflective of the truth, the other side of the truth is also that neither success nor failure is permanent. And today’s great players often bite the dust even as fools eventually learn to play the game of Life and win! My two-penny worth learning from Life is that we are all a product of the time we go through. Which is why I completely believe in and champion what the Chinese Master Lu-Tsu has said: “Work quietly, silently, untroubled by any idea of success or failure.”

The import here is that we must not get too lost in our idea of success nor be too fearful of failure. All we have to do is to keep at Life – living fully, quietly, diligently. What we must all realize is that success is a by-product of disciplined effort. It will happen on its own. Any obsession with success is a reflection of ambition, ego and greed. And when you are fully immersed in chasing success, you will be haunted by the fear of failure too. Such fear will be debilitating. So, in effect, you will be pulled apart by two conflicting forces. You will be full of turmoil within you. So, the best way to work is to put in your best and leave the rest to Life – choosing to stay detached from the outcome. Knowing, as the Bhagavad Gita says, that if the motive is pure and the means are correct, it will always be fine__your effort will always be rewarded. As Lu-Tsu says, this existence__Life__is very rewarding. Nothing genuine, attempted with integrity, ever goes unrewarded.

So, begin this Monday, by resolving to work quietly. Doing your best__not hankering for success nor fearing failure__and leaving the rest to Life!

Here’s the link to that song from Seeta aur Geeta – it’s catchy and hope its spirit and this learning stay with you all week!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hVin-x6eV74

Your anger is your own creation

Understanding why you are angry__with someone or something__is the most important step to be able to deal with it. Getting to the source of your anger is the only way for you to manage your emotional health better.

In today’s world, where personal time is at a premium, patience is scarce. Intolerance to people and situations drives each of us crazy. And more often than not, those who lose it, who succumb to anger, feel angrier at their inability to have held themselves in check.

I met a parent the other day who confessed that she was just not able to control herself when getting her playful 12-year-old son ready for school every morning. “Every day, I promise myself that I am not going to explode. But when I find him wasting his time on the computer or in the shower or reading up cricket scores in the paper, I simply lose it. I end up screaming, bringing the house down. Then after I have finally sent him off to school, I am consumed by guilt. Couldn’t I have handled him more maturely? After all, he’s my son. What do I do?,” she wondered. In another episode that I read in the papers this past week, a young man, in a fit of rage, hit a drunk laborer, who came in the way of his motorbike on the road, on the head with his helmet. The laborer collapsed and had to be taken to hospital where he died two days later. The motorist is now charged with murder. Both these episodes are manifestations of anger __ erupting from the stresses of everyday living.

I have had my fair share of explosive behavior in the past, and my own reflections, guilt and repentance have led me to discover that the best way to deal with anger is to go to its source, within you. The important point to be noted here you get angry only when things don’t happen the way you have wanted or expected them to happen. Whether it is your child driving you nuts with his childishness or whether a drunk is adding to your challenges because of his drunkenness or whether a boss is giving you a hard time because of her unreasonableness, anger rises in you. Not because the other caused it but because you allowed it to rise. Your anger is your own creation. And often times, in the name of being human, we express it on to the other person. Or, in the name of learning to control anger, we suppress it. But when you suppress anger you are not helping yourself either. Because while you may not be expressing it, even the very thought of the person against whom the anger is directed, will make you angry. You anger is still simmering inside you. And that’s not great news for your emotional health. Because today you will not express it. Maybe you will not express it for a week or month or year. But sooner than later the energy that’s boiling over within will find an avenue __ and will lead to an explosion,  often against someone who is momentarily placed in an emotionally weaker state than you. So, while you may have been angry with the boss, you will take it out on your spouse. Or the other way round! Clearly, neither expressing your anger not suppressing it is going to help.

So, what’s the way out?

There’s only one way: go to the source of your anger. Understand and realize that the source of your anger is within you. Know that unless you allow anger to erupt, you cannot be angry. And the way to disallow anger to rise within you, is to accept that you control nothing – and no one! Not your child, not your neighbour, not your boss, not even your Life! Don’t focus on your anger. Focus on understanding Life. Don’t focus on who’s doing what to you. Focus on accepting what has been done. Don’t sit in judgment. Don’t ask why or why me? Instead be anchored with your inner core and say that whatever is happening, is happening. You have to only accept it. And if you must avoid it from happening again, the only way to achieve it is to approach it with calm and not angrily!

A deeper perspective to hold is to understand that at our core, there’s nothing but energy. This is the same energy that is keeping us alive. This is the same energy that expresses itself as love, caring and compassion. This is the same energy that appears as anger, as hatred, as vengeance. The way to appreciate this energy is to remember that just before an angry moment happens in your Life, the energy is there. It is within you as long as you have been alive. Then why is it that you were not angry one moment and you are angry in another? Because you let that energy run amuck. You let it go berserk. If you can use your awareness and understanding to keep that energy from going haywire, you can conserve it. And deploy it in a far more meaningful, constructive manner to meet the same objectives that you would have otherwise directed your anger towards!

Why ‘Just Being’ rocks!

Often people think ‘Just Being’ means inaction. Just the opposite is true – ‘Just Being’ is a lot of action, for there is a lot to do, simply being present in the moment!

Yesterday, a friend of mine implored me to do ‘more’ than I was doing currently to deal with a Life situation. He said, “I don’t think you are doing enough. I think you have resigned to your fate. Everyman makes his own destiny and that you make by putting your 150 % into a situation every single day!”

I didn’t want to discuss fate and destiny with him. Because both our belief systems are polar opposites. However, while agreeing with him over making each day count, I made my point that being in the now, in the present, being mindful does not mean inaction at all. I told him that it means two things:

1.     Being in the moment, engaged, mindful. Thoroughly involved. Which is a LOT of action.
2.     Being involved with also DOING what is possible, what is right and doing it well, in that       moment, and yet BEING DETACHED from the outcome.

When 1 and 2 are happening simultaneously, where’s the question of passivity or inertia or remaining grounded? You are in flight! You are soaring. Despite the storm, despite the chaos, your sails are filled with grace, energy and momentum! Progress, ahoy!

The reason though why many people see ‘Just Being’ as inaction is because they have this view that they are in control of their lives. So, they believe, that ‘Just Being’ will breed inertia and they will vegetate. So, they feel the need to stay busy and feel important that they are doing many things! This state is where almost everyone finds themselves at some point or the other in Life – running on a treadmill, where you are doing a lot of running, but are still in the same place! ‘Staying busy’ is just that – it doesn’t get you anywhere and leaves you drained, frustrated and beaten! Whereas, ‘Just Being’, gets you to enjoy the magic and beauty of Life, while keeping your energy reservoir within you brimming over!

Vietnamese Buddhist guru Thich Nhat Hanh teaches this so well. He calls ‘Just Being’ non-action, not inaction. “Sometimes if we don’t do anything, we can help more than if we do a lot. We call that non-action. It is like the calm person on a small boat in a storm. That person does not have to do much, than just to be himself, and the situation can change,” he says.

Know that whatever’s happening to you now is part of a larger design that is creating your future. The funny thing about our present, our now, is that it is already happening. Which means we can’t wish it away. The only way to deal with it is to accept it, live it, to stay engaged with it. Just as we enjoy when what’s happening is what we like, we must learn to appreciate whatever’s happening even if that’s not what we wanted or expected or like! This is mindfulness. This is ‘Just Being’. It helps you connect with the source of your creation, helps you drop anchor and find bliss no matter what you are doing, or where you are, or what circumstances you are dealing with!

Strive for harmony within

Don’t avoid conflict__whenever you strongly disagree__for the sake of feigning courtesy or harmony. At the same time, never make the conflict personal. Focus on the issue. Never on the person.

There are often times, when you will not want to accept what is being said or proposed or done. Yet you will not want to wave a red flag or raise an objection or even make a point because you fear that the “harmony” in the relationship or environment will be lost. And that you will be accused of disturbing it. So, you will choose to swallow your sentiments, submit to being popular than being authentic, and simply go on. Now, clearly, whenever you allow something to happen, with which you don’t agree principally, remember you are maintaining decorum externally but within you there is a violent churn. You are grieving, for, within you, there is chaos, turbulence, sorrow. And therefore your justification that you are choosing to ‘give in’ or remain ‘mum’ for the sake of ‘harmony’ falls flat on its face. This is not an intelligent way to live!

But this is the way we ‘adjust’, ‘accommodate’ and claim we ‘adapt’ in Life – all the time. This is true in all our relationships: boss-subordinate, parent-child, husband-wife, between lovers, neighbors and siblings. Every time we choose not to disagree, in order to prevent a debate for whatever reason, we are allowing a part of us, in the context of that given relationship, at that point in time, to die.

I am not saying that you take up cudgels on every issue, with everyone under the sun, and become combative. It is totally pointless to keep fighting people all the time. In fact, I am not even saying fight over an issue. All I am saying is please express yourself. Allow your sentiments to flow – in the context of the issue, irrespective of who you are dealing with. It is unlikely that the other person may agree with your sentiments. But at least the other person will know what__and how__you are thinking. When you express yourself, you are in harmony, you are free, you are traveling light! On the other hand, when you keep things bottled up, within you, you are simmering within, under the pretext of maintaining dignity and decorum outside.

An intelligent conflict, an intellectual debate, is far more harmonious than a pretentious peace when your insides are boiling over. Now, there will be times when your effort to debate is received immaturely. And you are dealt with a personal, often below-the-belt, response. When that happens, your awareness should help you not to get provoked, not to retaliate, but to stay with the issue – without getting personal. If you find that any effort is not worth it in this context, simply move on. Just don’t grieve. And, at all times, please don’t try to be a martyr. Self-martyrdom is very bad for your self-esteem and inner peace.

This is the way of the Tao that champions ‘effortless action’. The import here is that as long as you do what comes naturally to you, without having to make an effort, you will be at peace with yourself. So, if you must disagree while expressing yourself, please do so, even if it means being in an issue-based conflict. Except that such expression must be effortless. On the other hand, if refraining from expressing your sentiments requires a huge effort – which, in turn, affects your inner peace – drop that effort. Harmony begins with you. Unless you are at peace with yourself, in any context, you cannot live fully. And if you are not living fully, you may well be alive, but you were dead long, long ago!

Of Raavan, Ram and Jannat

The conditions inhibiting our inner peace are, interestingly, within us! Our true, native state is love and peace. But years of conditioning, in the way in which we have been raised and how we lead our lives, have suppressed that true state. Our only task is to undo that conditioning and remove all the layers of anxiety, misery, jealousy, self-doubt, anger, hatred and fear that suppress our true nature__and we too will return to being loving and peaceful!

I watched the Hindi movie Swades (2004, Ashutosh Gowariker, starring Shah Rukh Khan) another time last night. There’s a line in a beautiful song “Pal Pal Hai Bhaari” (Lyrics by Javed Akhtar, Music by A R Rahman) in the film that goes like this: “…man se Raavan jo nikaale, Ram uske man mein hai…”. It refers to the plight of the devotee who is signing the Lord’s praise but actually nurtures a lot of hatred and evil within. Raavan (the demon) and Ram (the Lord) are metaphors here. That line in the song is a reminder that if you really want to experience the Lord (love and peace) get rid of what’s tormenting you (the evil, whatever’s debilitating, in you)! The real import for all us, mortals, caught in the rat race, is that to be truly peaceful, we need to throw out all the conditions that inhibit our inner peace from our lives.

In Urdu there’s a word called jannat – it means paradise. Jannat is where love, peace, prosperity and all the good things in Life are in abundance. Most people believe jannat is something to be attained after completing our worldly tasks, after fulfilling our responsibilities, perhaps, in an after-Life.  But the truth is that there’s only this one lifetime, as we know it. And whatever has to be attained and experienced has to be done here. Now. By accepting and loving what is.

It is by resisting what is that we are piling on the layers of wasted emotions that restrain our true, native state, of love and peace, from flowering. Look at young children. They just submit themselves to Life, to their environment, to the conditions into which they are born – unquestioningly, without resisting. Which is why they are in complete bliss. We will do well to draw inspiration from children around us! And experience Ram and jannat – here, in the now!

Let ‘em children be free

Kate, William and the Royal Baby

The arrival of a British Prince on the planet, as Kate and William’s first born, has whipped up such a frenzy. I read in one of the papers this morning an astrologer predicting how the child would fare as a man. There is speculation on what impact his birth, and new merchandize that is likely to be launched, will have on the British retail economy. And another point of view speculates that unless this Prince goes on to be 87, in 2100, chances of him being King are slim. One headline said “Royal Baby misses being Suriya (the Tamizh movie star) by a day!” – meaning, absurdly, that the baby was born a day ahead of Suriya’s 38^th birthday!

And then there’s this picture of the day-old baby on the front page of a newspaper – serene, unmindlful of all the attention, secure in the arms of its mother Kate.

                                                                                                                                                                                

That led to wonder why is it that we don’t leave our children alone? Bad enough we have been brought up without much choice. And now we are perpetrating the same abysmal conditioning on the next generation?

First let us understand what Khalil Gibran (1883~1931), the venerable Lebanese-American thinker and author, said so emphatically – that our children are born through us, not for us! We are only instruments that delivered them here. So, let’s stop being possessive about them. Children are not things to be possessed. We must recognize them as individual human beings __ like you and me. You don’t control human beings. If you do, you are a slave driver, a dictator. Not a parent.

Second, look at how choice-less birth is – yours, mine, even your child’s! A child cannot choose its sex or its parents or its home or its place of birth or even its name. Everything is given. In fact, everything’s forced. I am sure if each of us sat and thought about it, we perhaps may not really have wanted to have the name that we have been given. We may have preferred some other name. But since there was no choice possible, we endure our given names. So, obviously, we must give our children the opportunity to choose what they love – in all matters where it is still possible to exercise a choice! Looking after and raising children, with good values, does not give us the license to force them to do anything and everything we want done. But invariably we force a lot – what to eat, what to wear, when to sleep, what religion to practice and so on. Or as in the case of the Royal Baby, even his destiny is forced on him already. For all we know, when he grows up, he may not want to be King. He may just want to be a wanderer, traveling the world – and not want to be confined to the monotony and rigor of monarchy!

Third, we often confuse our parent-status with ownership. “My child” does not ever mean to us parents – “child in my care”. It has always meant “I own this child!”. So, where’s the child free? Isn’t the child enslaved right at birth? We mask this injustice in the garb of “protection and security”. Demanding obedience to a code of conduct laid down by us has become a universal basis for bringing up children. A child has to adhere to a parent’s “yes” or “no”. The child has no voice and even if it has, it is often bull-dozed into submission. I am not saying that we let children do whatever they want. But how about replacing obedience with intelligence? How about telling the child, through several conversations, what is right and what is wrong. How about empowering the child, over time, to take informed decisions? How about teaching children to learn from their mistakes – borne from indecision to poor decision to plain recklessness?

Fourth and finally, let’s not try to make our children like us. Let them be different. Just because you are a doctor, does not mean your child should be one too. Help the child understand her or his calling by allowing experimentation. By trying and failing. Maybe even a hundred times. Our current education system, in India at least, is very restrictive and taxing on children. It measures talent only in set parameters _ science, history, geography, a few languages and math. But what if the child wants to be an artist? Or an entrepreneur? Or an inventor? Or a writer? Or a politician? Or a photographer? A musician? Or an actor? Unless you have given ample choice to a child, and seen for yourself the level of proficiency and passion the child has in a field, do not force that study on that child. Grades and marks are not the only markers. Joy (how much joy a child derives doing something) and effortlessness (how easily is a child able to accomplish something) are key indicators too. Look for them always.

So, whether the new born is a King-in-waiting or a Princess of your family, allow any child choice, freedom and the opportunity to live his or her Life. Remember: as a parent, you are simply an instrument that brought your child to this world. Don’t ever mistake your being a parent for being an owner. Be a great friend and a compassionate mentor instead!

Why not postpone worrying for a change?

Let’s face it. There’s so much to worry about. Bills to be paid, children to be raised and graduated, parents to be cared for, deadlines to be met, loans to be repaid – the list can go on and on. However much you may try, you cannot but worry. Because there’s so much uncertainty around you and in your Life. But every scripture, every wise soul, every spiritual practice advises you to “Be Happy!” and to “Not Worry!”. How then do you stay free of worry?

The truth is you possibly can’t. Not at the beginning of your spiritual, inward, journey. At best you can postpone worrying.

An old story from the Buddhist scriptures shows the way to do this!

There was once an old lady who cried all the time. Her elder daughter was married to an umbrella merchant while the younger daughter was the wife of a noodle vendor. On sunny days, she worried, "Oh no! The weather is so nice and sunny. No one is going to buy any umbrellas. What will happen if the shop has to be closed?" These worries made her sad. She just could not help but cry. When it rained, she would cry for the younger daughter. She thought, "Oh no! My younger daughter is married to a noodle vendor. You cannot dry noodles without the sun. Now there will be no noodles to sell. What should we do?" As a result, the old lady lived in sorrow every day. Whether sun or rain, she grieved for one of her daughters. Her neighbors had given up trying to console her and jokingly called her "the crying lady."

One day, she met a monk. He was very curious to know why she was always crying. She explained the problem to him. The monk smiled kindly and said, "Madam! You need not worry. I will show you a way to happiness, and you will need to grieve no more."

The crying lady was very excited. She immediately asked the monk to show her what to do. The monk replied, "It is very simple. You just need to change your perspective. On sunny days, do not think of your elder daughter not being able to sell umbrellas but think of the younger daughter being able to dry her noodles. With such good strong sunlight, she must be able to make plenty of noodles and her business must be very good. When it rains, think about the umbrella store of the elder daughter. With the rain, everyone must be buying umbrellas. She will sell a lot of umbrellas and her store will prosper."

The old lady saw the light. She followed the monk’s advice. Over time, she stopped grieving; instead, she was smiling every day. Soon she came to be known in her neighborhood as "the ever-smiling lady."

That’s surely the way to live intelligently. Without doubt, even when you are on your deathbed, there will be unfinished tasks and aspirations on your plate. There will be things to do. And there will be stuff to be worried about. Worrying can become an integral part of living if you don’t change your perspective to Life! And worrying about a problem has never solved one! If it did, well, we would have no problems in the world – because isn’t everyone worrying about something or the other all the time?

I have often wondered why bars and lounges have the concept of “Happy Hours”. They offer discounts during certain times of the day or evening almost alluding that the rest of the time you are likely to have been unhappy. Flipping the paradigm, given the enormity of the crises that faces me sometimes, I have created for myself time slots in the week that I call the “Worry Hour”. With so much to worry about, and no immediate solutions often available, I find it a lot more productive to invest time and effort problem-fixing in specific spells so that the rest of the time, I am anchored and at peace with myself! Over time I have discovered that what I can fix, I always end up fixing, and what I can’t fix, stuff that I may have worried myself to death about in the past, often ends up sorting itself out anyway! And outside of my “Worry Hours” I always do only what gives me joy – engage in intellectual conversations with people I relate to, watch movies, go on long walks, read to learn something new or write my blog! Perhaps, you want to try this method too. It works very well when, like most other practices, it is done diligently! So, instead of worrying all the time and postponing happiness, why not choose to be happy and postpone worrying for a change?

A good guru makes you realize yourself

A true, good guru is quite unlike the popular perception that exists of a guru. A good guru is simple, humble and unpretentious. She or he asks for nothing from the disciple except objectivity and making an informed choice. And a guru need not be in ochre robes or having matted hair. Nor does a guru need to be religious. A good guru is always a great teacher. Someone whose compassion and charisma draws you to that person no doubt, but equally important, the person invokes in you the urge to learn, to unlearn, and to make the journey inward, to find yourself. Your true self.

My experience with my gurus have all been uplifting. I have not found myself gravitating to a single person. Instead I have derived great inspiration, and gained even greater insights, from several gurus – from my barber Ramalingam (who taught me the essence of the Bhagavad Gita) in Bengaluru to my former colleague Deepak Pawar (who awakened me to realize that I was controlled by my ego) to my dear friend Raja Krishnamoorthy (who taught me to appreciate the inscrutability of Life and to learn to go with the flow) to Swami Sathya Sai Baba (who I have never met, but have always experienced, who taught me the way to live in the moment) to a Siddha Master Kavi Rajan (who taught me the Power of Acceptance and Loving What Is) to another dear friend Vijay Easwaran (who taught me the Power of Silence – shuba mouna yoga) to Osho, the Master (again, who I never met, but who taught me to celebrate Life) to Shirdi Sai Baba (who taught me Faith and Patience)! Apart from these notable influencers, I have learnt, and continue to learn, from the countless people that I encounter in Life. The word guru means the dispeller of darkness. Therefore, anyone, who can remove your ignorance, shine light upon you, dispel the darkness, is a guru. So, as I have realized, each person, including your detractors, brings along a teachable point of view, if you are open to the learning. As they say, when the student is ready, the teacher always appears!

This guru purnima day express your gratitude to all those who have taught you in Life. Without their influence on you, you wouldn’t be who you are today. More important, continue to be open to learning – and unlearning. As long as your sails are open and hoisted, as the venerable Ramakrishna Paramahamsa has said, the winds of grace, which are always blowing, will fill them and you will reach where you must and are destined to be.  

Witness – Doer = Bliss

To understand and deal better with your ego, just be a witness. Not the doer. The ego is all about doing. Being the witness is about non-doing, simply seeing.

In fact, as I have seen it happen in my Life, all of Life’s experiences are to humble you, to teach you to be a good witness. To realize that in any case you are not causing anything – neither success, nor failure. And with each new experience, your ego gets peeled away. And you start relating to your inner core, your soul, more and more. Imagine your lifetime to be like a pencil. As you sharpen the pencil, its shavings fall to the ground and expose the lead within. With your lifetime too, the same thing is happening. With each experience, a part of your ego has been shaved off and you are closer to your real Self. Over time, there’s only a non-doing, no ego Self of you that is left. And that’s the point when you truly realize what a great teacher Life is!

So, don’t fuss or obsess over your ego. Don’t be stumped by it. Don’t be controlled by it. Don’t attempt to drop it either. Just sit back and watch Life happen to you. As if you are a third party, a mere witness. When you are in this state, you can see through this whole game called Life. You will realize that you were never in control, you are not in control, that you cannot control anything in your Life! You will then enjoy yourself merely being a witness, without engaging with your doing self – your ego! You will then be bliss!

When doubt ceases to exist, trust flowers

Among the few things that will definitely kill you before you die is doubt. The moment doubt arises in the mind living becomes miserable. A kind of hell right here! To get rid of doubt, you need to practice detachment. And the simplest way to stay detached is to be aware, to remember that, anything that’s bound to be eventually taken away from you is not worth holding on to. When there’s detachment, doubt ceases to exist. And trust flowers leading you to inner peace.

Yesterday I had an interesting conversation with someone who has been making Life very difficult for me in recent months. He has made the situation worse by tying all of us up in knots so badly that nobody knows how to un-entangle the mess. At the end of another long call, he asked me to accept a fresh set of conditions. Basically this meant that he was reneging on an in-principle understanding we had and was bringing up new terms as deal points. I heard him out calmly and told him that I was willing to sign on the dotted line – no questions asked. This meant that he could, if he so wished, cause me more harm in the future. He asked me if I wanted to discuss the matter with my lawyer. I told him I didn’t see any point in doing that and instead agreed to his terms unconditionally. So, he asked me, ostensibly out of academic interest, why I was accepting his fresh terms without resistance. “Because I trust you,” I replied. Our call ended with him feeling contented that his expectations were exceeded and hopefully, unless he brings another twist to the tale, we would be making progress soon.

While logically I should not be trusting him, because he has not shown any intention to honor previous understandings between us, I decided to rise above doubt because I saw no point in doubting him anymore. I have lived with doubt in the past and have found it to be a very depressing emotion. It makes you anxious, wary, fearful and causes untold agony. I agree that trust can be a risky proposition when it comes to worldly matters, but since you make that choice consciously, you have considered its practical pitfalls. This is where detachment from outcome helps immensely. And despite your trust, despite your being prepared for the worst, should you be let down and you have to face a consequence that you were better off avoiding, I would still say it is a lot better to trust than not to! Simply because trust always delivers inner peace – often instantaneously. Surely also because we have to find newer and better ways to stay anchored in peace in this short lifespan that is available to us!

When you trust someone or something it means you have understood doubt – you have let go of that fake sense of security that doubt creates and are aware that, eventually, doubt cripples, drains and vitiates an existing situation. Dropping doubt means you have dropped what would have otherwise chewed you up from within. When doubt disappears, trust prevails. Trust is not a decision – it is an outcome that is the result of doubtlessness. And it is only through trust that you learn to live fully, to love and to experience inner peace.

When you are fearless, you are free!

Life’s arduous situations can break you physically, can make you immobile, can cripple you – but they cannot break your spirit, they cannot puncture your conviction, if you simply choose to remain strong from within! But how do you remain strong from within when there’s absolutely no respite from the outside? Say, when your Life is hanging by a thin thread owing to a terminal health condition, or when you are caught in a legal maze and there’s no way out, or when your business has gone bust and you simply don’t have any money to even meet your daily needs, or when your separation from your spouse has drained you emotionally, financially, physically and you have lost your will to live? Where do you draw strength from in such, and other debilitating, circumstances, where you are consumed by fear, self-doubt and hopelessness?

Interestingly, you must leverage your fear to gain courage. Courage is not the absence of fear. It is what you get by looking your fear in the eye, by accepting it, and deciding to face it. In reality, a courageous person is also fearful of consequences that logically appear to be on the horizon. But while she or he is fearful from within, she or he is able to pull herself or himself together on the outside. A coward, on the other hand, is both fearful from within and on the outside. But if you can leverage your courage, while becoming more aware, you can attain fearlessness. And fearlessness is not an outward emotion. It is the complete attainment of freedom from fear – within! That will happen, that can happen, only when you realize the true nature of your inner being. When you know that your soul is untouchable, unbreakable and immortal.

Let’s understand this better. All the world’s scriptures talk of this truth. Yet why do you still fear things, people, events in your Life, despite perhaps, knowing and believing this doctrine to be true? Because you haven’t allowed your inner being, your soul, to experience this truth. Examine all your fears. They are always about losing all that you already know as impermanent – your job, your money, your health, your relationships! What kind of intelligence are you, the much educated you, displaying when you are fearful of threats to any of these impermanent aspects of your Life? Someone says you will die because of your health condition – and you are afraid of death? Someone says she will leave you for whatever reason – and you are afraid of losing her? Someone says you will be sacked for non-performance – and you are scared of unemployment? Someone says you will be convicted and sentenced – and you are afraid of imprisonment? But aren’t you already imprisoned, held hostage, by your fear(s)? Think deeply about this. Everything about your Life so far and the rest of your Life will be taken away from you sooner or later. If it is the fear of losing all that you hold on to that’s keeping you anxious, agonized and fearful, then know that your fears are fully justified. What you fear most will surely happen to you. Sooner or later. Including your death! It is only when you experience this realization, this awakening, at the core of your inner being, in your soul, will you be free from fear. Will you be fearless from within. Will you be free.

Review whatever’s making you insecure. Focus on what you fear. And peel away each fear by asking yourself, ‘So what if this (that which you fear most) happens?’ When you get an answer to this question, ask yourself this question again, in the context of your answer, and so on. Keep going until you have no more answers. For instance, ‘What will happen after I die?’ does not have an immediate known answer. Yes, conjecturally, from what the scriptures tell us, the answer could be that ‘your soul is set free’. And so what if the soul is set free? Or if it is trapped somewhere, someplace? Will it matter to the person that you are currently? Since it won’t, why labor over your fears? So, whatever be the situation confronting you just now, don’t resist it, simply accept it for what it is. And know that since your spirit can never be broken or taken away from you, anything that’s happening to you, therefore, is not at all relevant! So be fearless. Be free!

If you carry your guilt for too long, you are as good as dead

You cannot enjoy Life when you are continuously feeling guilty. Almost all the time, we are making decisions in Life. Some of them work well. Several blow up in our faces. If we start feeling guilty for those decisions that misfired, we will be stuck in the past. When you are not present in the now, in the moment, how can you enjoy it?

Of course, guilt cannot be avoided totally. It has to only be faced, and overcome, with awareness. Every time something does not go per your design, or expectation, you are bound to feel responsible, and accountable, for the outcome. So, you cannot but feel guilty. But if you are aware that guilt is debilitating, that it is a wasted emotion, that traps you in the past, you will successfully overcome it!

First, however, try and understand why you feel guilty. We human beings have this notion, both through our education and upbringing, that we are in control of our lives. So, when things don’t go according to what you envisioned them to be, you hold yourself responsible. In a very subconscious, yet sure, way, your guilt is always a manifestation of your ego! “I should have been better prepared”, “I should have thought through this better”, “I should have planned for a worst case scenario”, “I should have not taken this decision or made this move”…these and more emotions are bound to gnaw at you from within. But do you recognize the existence of the big “I” in each of them? That’s your ego screaming out aloud! Your guilt is the shadow of your ego – it goes on vainly reminding you that you are all powerful and now that your power did not work in the current context, you have failed yourself, you should now brood over your action! You should, therefore, wallow in self-pity and guilt!  

But remember your awareness is far more powerful. When you attain a state of self-realization, where you understand that nothing is being done in Life, in the Universe, by anyone, that Life is happening on its own, your guilt disappears. This is not escapist thinking. This is the truth. Whatever has happened, was bound to happen, even if you were to murder someone! If it could have been avoided, it would have not have happened. Being trapped in your guilt and by brooding, nothing is going to be achieved. If anything, you will be dead, because you are not living in the present anymore, even if you are biologically alive! In the Hindi movie Raanjhaana (2013, Aanand L Rai), Kundan, played masterfully by Dhanush, sits on the banks of the Ganges brooding over the death of Jasmeet (Abhay Deol in a cameo), which had been caused by circumstances triggered by Kundan. An anonymous man with a camera confronts Kundan and says: “You look like you have murdered someone. Your face says it all. No religion can grant you forgiveness for taking the Life of another human being. So, no point in feeling guilty over what you did and what has happened. You are not going to attain salvation sitting like this by the Ganges. So, get up, go, go do something about your Life and make things better by living your Life fully, meaningfully!” Kundan gets the message and takes charge of his Life the best way he can! What the film’s nameless character told Kundan applies to you and me too. There’s no point drowning yourself in guilt over anything – the best you can do is to try not to repeat the same action, pattern, decision, whatever that misfired, again. That’s all!

The moment you let your guilt get the better of you, you are as good as dead. You, me, we all, are but small cogs in the big wheel of an inscrutable cosmic design called Life. And Life happens, not because of you or me, but inspite of us. When this awareness dawns and remains in you, you will see each guilt-forming moment as an opportunity to learn, and unlearn, and keep moving on.

Live fully! For, in the end, you are on your own…!

Life does not conform to a blueprint you may create or a strategy you may conceive. Life simply happens to you. And the best you can do is go with the flow – following your heart, learning and unlearning from each experience, never grieving but, at the same time, never ever repeating something that appears to be a mistake to you! In the end, there are no right or wrong ways to live, you simply live! Period.

Chances are you may not have heard of Psyche Abraham, renowned cartoonist Abu Abraham’s (1924~2002) wife, who passed away in Goa on Monday, July 15^th. I too had not heard of her until I came across her unputdownable book ‘From Kippers to Karimeen: A Life’ (Roli Books, 2008). In a fascinating account of an eventful Life, where she bares her soul sharing details of her love Life__with three husbands and several lovers__and her six children, all of whom she always ‘abandoned’ and whom she eventually reconnected with in the latter part of her Life, Psyche epitomizes the “Life happens to you. Just go with the flow!” philosophy.

British-born Valerie Anne, later nicknamed Psyche, came to India in 1956 after marrying an Indian student Jhupu Adhikari (“a handsome Bengali”) who was then studying in England. They lived in Calcutta. They soon moved to Bombay where Jhupu took up a job in an ad agency. While Jhupu’s career took wing, Psyche began to feel that he was not interested in her anymore. They drifted apart and Psyche fell in love with Jhupu’s boss, Jog (“a very attractive man with a great deal of charm”). Psyche left her son Miti and daughter Sara with Jhupu and returned to England in preparation to marry Jog who was to divorce his American wife and join Psyche there. In the meantime that Jog came to England, Psyche had ended up have two more relationships. One of them led to her pregnancy, which, when she discovered she could not abort, led to the birth of her daughter Priya. Psyche gave Priya up for adoption and married Jog when he arrived in England. The couple moved back to India and Psyche had three children with him – Ini, Joya and Abhi. Soon, this marriage too was over, as Jog kept moving from one affair to another. And Psyche got involved with Abu Abraham, married him and they moved to Trivandrum to live in Abu’s Laurie Baker-designed home ‘Saranam’. She lived there till Abu passed away in 2002, and in subsequent years moved to Goa, where her son Ini was designing a Japanese style house made of coconut wood for her. Unfortunately, she died just ahead of that house being completed.

While her Life certainly is most intriguing, what’s remarkable is her candor and what she admits to having learned living her Life! For instance, when she moved in with Abu, she wrote letters to her children with Jog to explain her decision. She says her children had mixed feelings about being ‘abandoned’. Abhi, as she says in her book, said it was “the saddest day of his Life”. But Psyche reflects: “I felt like a heel, but in the end, as I think they now understand, Life for most of us weaker mortals, if one is honest, is all about oneself and one’s own salvation. In the end, you are on your own too.” Reflecting on being pregnant with Priya and wanting to abort the baby, Psyche says: “What a mess I had managed to make of my Life in the space of a few months. A husband betrayed, children abandoned. A stepfather who hated the sight of me, an indifferent father, a worried-sick mother and grandmother, a lover to whom I had been unfaithful before he had actually become my lover, yet he had given up all he had for me – his job, his wife, his home. And now a baby that I was to destroy!”

You don’t have to agree with the Life she chose but you can’t but admire her courage to share it openly, humbly, objectively – without guilt, without grief. That’s my learning for the day! To fully live the Life you are given and that is happening to you, because, in the end, as Psyche reflects, you are on your own!

Go bell your Ritual Cat

A mind that is free and anchored in peace requires no conditions to be fulfilled to stay that way. It is only in the absence of inner peace that we insist on following rituals and being superstitious.

Some years ago, I was wedded to numerology. I needed numbers to add up in names before we named a product or service offering in our Firm. If I did not get along well with some of my colleagues, I would add up the numerological value of the alphabets that constituted their names, and often conclude that we were numerologically incompatible. I would not stay in hotel rooms whose numbers added up to 4 or 8! I don’t remember how I got hooked on to this practice. But I followed it religiously for over a decade. The times that I ended up getting only rooms whose numbers added up to 4 or 8, especially while traveling in the US where front office agents at hotels were least interested in meeting my room number preference, I found my stays always going wrong! I would be anxious the moment I entered a room with an incompatible number total and would stay frayed at the edges up until when I eventually checked out.

Then, in 2004, when on a pilgrimage to the holy shrine of Sabarimalai, in Kerala, I was forced to stay there overnight because of inclement weather. While Sabarimalai is sacred and the temple itself is beautiful, the way pilgrims, and the temple’s callous administrators, manage the mountain paths leading to the temple, and its surroundings is pathetic. The hygiene quality is abysmal. Since I had to stay overnight, I got myself a room which turned out to be adding to a total of 8. It was the dirtiest room you will ever find on the planet – unkempt with a stained, stinky toilet (Indian squatting type) attached. Although I was exhausted after the 4 hour road trip to the foothills at Pamba, and further after the gruelling 4 hour climb to the hilltop, I just could not get sleep. My body ached and craved for sleep. But my mind was restless and resented being in a number 8 room – dirty and stinking to boot!

I sent my wife a text message wondering why was I being ‘punished’ despite all my piety!

Pat came her reply: “You are punishing yourself! Think of the number ‘8’ as the sign of infinity, of the Lord himself….you will get sleep instantaneously!”

Her message struck me like a bolt of lightning. I suddenly awakened to the futility of my beliefs. The number 8 was not causing me any agony. My belief that it was unlucky was bringing me grief. I realized that my decade-plus-old practice was coming in between me and an opportunity to be free. I let go! I resolved, in a nano-second, to free myself from the shackles of my belief in my unfounded number 4 and number 8 theory, put my head down, and slept peacefully for 8 (!) hours at a stretch!

That day I feel a part of me awakened forever! Not that I disrespect the science of numerology or intend to impune its practitioners. I have simply realized that I didn’t need it in my Life anymore!

Years later, I read this Zen story of the ‘Ritual Cat’. When a spiritual teacher and his disciples began their evening meditation, the cat who lived in the monastery made such noise that it distracted them. So the teacher ordered that the cat be tied up during the evening practice. Years later, when the teacher died, the cat continued to be tied up during the meditation session. And when the cat eventually died, another cat was brought to the monastery and tied up. Centuries later, learned descendants of the spiritual teacher wrote scholarly treatises about the religious significance of tying up a cat for meditation practice.

This is how, I would imagine, almost all rituals and superstitions have come up! In the garb of tradition they hold us hostage. For the one who truly strives for inner peace, nothing can be a source of distraction. And for the distracted, there can be no inner peace!

Think about this. Which is the ritual cat that’s holding you hostage? Go bell that cat and be free….forever….

To be happy simply be

Just being is happiness. In fact, all of creation is happy, except man. Only we humans have this uncanny ability to be unhappy. And that’s because we bring our egos and our desires into the picture and complicate our lives.

This is best explained with an anecdote. A man went to the venerable Buddha and asked to be taught a method, a practice, a ritual, a prayer that could lead him to happiness. The Buddha asked him why he wanted such a method.

“I want happiness,” replied the man.

“First drop the ‘I’. Then drop the ‘want’. What you will be left with is happiness,” said the Buddha.

It indeed is so simple. None of your situations can affect your happiness unless you choose to be unhappy!

Let’s say you are in a great mood and are walking down the street, whistling to yourself. Surely you are happy! Suddenly a car speeds past you and splashes dirty rain water from a puddle on to you! You immediately get angry. And worry that “your” clothes are soiled and complain that “you” now have to go back home to change. You “want” to be able to get to a cinema in some time but now you will be late! You are overcome with anxiety and are filled with rage at “your” state of affairs. Examine closely to know who caused your unhappiness. Is it the driver of that speeding car, is it the car itself, is it the overnight rain or is it the dirty water puddle on the street? While all of these may have been co-conspirators in your story, the sole person responsible for you switching from happiness to unhappiness is “you” and the key contributor to this changed state of mind is your desire – your wish, your want, that this episode had not happened at all.

The Buddha anecdote and this example may seem too simple when you consider more complex Life scenarios. But whoever said that happiness is rocket science? In any situation in Life, it is your ego and your desire__that things be different than what they are__that make you unhappy. Remember: you are happy as long as you don’t impose conditions on whatever’s happening in your Life. Which is why just being__in acceptance of what is__is the way to happiness.