Intrinsically, there’s nothing wrong with
Life. Or with people. Life is the way it is. And people are the way they are.
It is your wanting them to be different, your wanting them to be the way you
want them to be, that causes YOU__and often others__pain, suffering, misery and
angst!
Any home with a teenager will understand
this perspective the best. As a parent you would want your teenager’s room to
be maintained well. But your child just doesn’t want you to even enter her
room. Now think about this deeply. Is there something wrong with the room? Or
is there something wrong with the way your child thinks she is maintaining it?
Or is there something wrong with the way in which YOU WANT it maintained? In
reality, nothing really is wrong. Simply, your WANT, your expectation, is what
is causing you all the grief!
So it is with people everywhere. The
teenager at home perspective is simple __ so you can relate to it. Also, you
may be willing to forgive a teenager__because the kid is still not ‘mature or
worldly-wise’ in your view! But you are not always so understanding of others! Here’s
why….
If you review your Life, particularly your
relationships, almost all the time, all your problems have come from wanting people
to be different. Take any relationship where you have a problem and replace
your want with acceptance and see how you perceive the relationship now. Let’s
say, you have a colleague or a friend who is unethical and scheming. You cannot
trust this person at all. Now, if you accept this person as someone who is not
worthy of your trust, there will be no problem at all. The problem arises ONLY
when you continue to trust this person, expect this person to live up to your
trust, and this person keeps betraying your trust every single time! Who is to
blame. Your friend? Your friend’s unethical behavior? Or you __ for continuing
to trust someone who is NOT worthy of your trust? The answer is so simple. It
is you who are responsible, and your expectation that your friend lives up to
your trust, for the stress and strife in the relationship. You have to either
trust this person and be content with betrayal or you have to stop trusting
this person. The in between path__that I will trust and expect him to live up
to it__is a foolish one and is paved with grief at every step!
This is so true of any situation, any
relationship in Life. Yesterday, I watched a British film ‘Life Goes On’ (2009) directed by Sangeeta Datta. This is a simple
story of an Indian doctor, Sanjay (played brilliantly by Girish Karnad) who
comes home one evening to find his wife Manju (Sharmila Tagore) dead. She had
suffered a major cardiac arrest. Sanjay’s grief is soon overshadowed by some facts,
bigger, more shocking and more painful, he stumbles upon about his three
daughters and his wife. His oldest one, he finds, is breaking up with her British
husband. His second one is in a lesbian relationship. And his third one is
pregnant with the child of her Muslim boyfriend. He further discovers that his
best friend Alok (Om Puri) is the father of his first daughter because Manju
had sought out Alok’s companionship in the early years of Sanjay’s marriage to
her, because Sanjay could not take time off from his medical studies and
practice to nurture their relationship! Everything that Sanjay had created in
Life__a family, built on what he thought were Indian values, a culture of
discipline and a tradition of being conservative Indians and staunch Hindus__seems
now blown to smithereens. He is plunged into deep grief. And even roams the
streets of London one night looking for answers. Then Alok confronts him with
the truth: “Your wanting is not going to make anything different or better. It
is the way it is.”
Life’s beautiful ONLY when we stop wanting
people and things to be different. The moment a want creeps in, rearing its
ugly head, a perfectly peaceful Life can become traumatic. You can’t do much to
prepare yourself for the rest of your Life. You can only deal with what you are
dealt with! So, the best thing you can do, for now, is to simply, stop wanting
people to be different. If it is someone you deeply love, try having a honest conversation.
If it works for you, fine. If not, just let people be. You be who you are. And,
believe me, your Life will be peaceful ever after!
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