Our children have lives of their own. No matter how much
we worry for them, they still have to live out their lives.
A friend recently shared that though her young
adult daughter was greatly interested in theatre, she was not letting her join
her college’s theatre group because she felt one of her daughter’s classmates
was making passes at her (the daughter). The mother confessed that she was
worried stiff for the “future” of her daughter.
I believe worrying for our children comes
naturally to us parents. But we have to learn to let go.
In our friend’s case, she must appreciate the
fact that, naturally, a grown-up, young adult, woman will attract the attention
of class-fellows. And that she must trust her daughter to be able to handle any
advances, that she may or may not be interested in, appropriately. She can’t
forsake her daughter’s interest in something she’s passionate about for the
sake of her (the mother’s) perceived peace of mind. Honestly, for how long, and
from how many people and things, can we protect our children? When they are in
their early teens or younger, we can direct them and have them follow us. But,
as they grow older, they will have to be allowed to touch and feel Life, they
will want to make choices – some of which will not be acceptable or may not
seem correct to us as parents – and they will want to experience Life at their
own terms. I strongly believe we must not interfere with the learning curve of
our children. While we must always champion what’s the right way to do
something, we cannot and must not expect them to accept our view immediately.
We must have faith that they will see our point (if we have an objective one,
that is) – when they have tried, tested, fallen, failed and learnt from their
experience.
Our children are born through us. And not for
us. This is not an original thought – this is what the venerable Lebanese-American
poet and writer Khalil Gibran (1883~1931) has said over a century ago. And this
is so true now, as it was then. The lives of our children are distinctly
different from our own. We imagine that they are intertwined because in the
first 15 years of a child’s Life, as parents, we are providers, protectors,
planners and directors. So, by force of habit, we get into the control mode as
soon as our children want to go out and explore the world. Two forms of worry
are intrinsically seeded in us parents – one is that we don’t want our children
to make the same mistakes that we made or live the hard lives we have had to live;
and the other is that we don’t want them to suffer at all. Now, both worries
may be justified, but try explaining these to your child, especially if he or
she is over 15, and see what happens. This doesn’t mean you must not counsel or
that you must not share an experiential point of view. This just means don’t
expect an immediate buy-in. It is this expectation that distances your child from
you and that distance is famously touted as a “generation gap”.
Whether you believe in this or not, this is the
way it is. Each of our lives is designed in a unique way. Whatever is happening
to us has been ordained, most definitely in a cosmic sense, to help us grow and
evolve, even as we biologically age. This is exactly the way the lives of our
children too are designed. No amount of forethought by you could have changed
the course of your Life. Similarly, no amount of worrying by you can change the
course of your child’s Life.
Sit back and re-examine your relationship with
your child. Especially if you have a teenager or a young adult at home. Reboot
your perspective and role – both. Choose to be a good friend who suggests, but
does not demand; who shares, but does not control; who is honest, but does not
insist; and who is forgiving, but does not say ‘I told you so’ when things don’t
go per your child’s plans. None of us can ever claim to be perfect,
understanding parents. We are all
works-in-progress. And so are our children. If we understand and appreciate
this truth, we will stop worrying and let our children live their lives – and
learn from their experiences!
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