The power of, and in, acceptance

When you accept things and people for what they are, it does not necessarily mean you approve of them that way. Acceptance leads you to inner peace – and that, if you really want to, helps you to work on changing the way people and things are.

Let’s say you have been trying to deal with someone who has a drinking problem – a parent or partner or sibling or colleague or friend. You have tried to counsel, inspire, dictate and plead with that person to give up drinking. But all that has been in vain. Now, accepting that person for who he or she is, the way he or she is, will definitely help you be peaceful with yourself and your current reality in matters concerning this person. But will your evolved, “accepting” nature, seem like a sign of approval and invite more of such “unreasonable” behavior by the person concerned? Well, it really will not if you ensure that your acceptance of the situation – of having to deal with an alcoholic in your Life – is not seen as sign of your approval of alcoholism as an act. Your acceptance is for you to see things, and people, the way they are. When you are fighting a situation, you are hoping things will change dramatically by your mere resistance. But some situations – like reforming an alcoholic, fixing a broken relationship, turning around a failed business – take a lot of time. No situation or reality can be turned around by resisting it. It is only through accepting a situation, that you can understand its contours with total clarity. It is only by seeing a situation clearly that you can work on solving it.

Of course, sometimes acceptance can lead you to total detachment too. We had a friend who, over time, became an alcoholic and wasted himself completely. His wife loved him dearly and tried her best to wean him off the bottle. But he was unable to give up drinking. Initially, his wife grieved a lot. But then she learned to accept her reality, learned to accept her companion for the way he was, and, in fact, cared for him compassionately, as he was struck by cirrhosis of the liver and had to spend months in hospital. He eventually died, felled by his ruinous habit! When we visited her, she had this to say: “I had tried everything that I humanly could. When I realized that I could not change him anymore, I simply became accepting of him the way he was. I saw him die. But while he was in hospital, I did everything I again could to care for him. My acceptance of the situation gave me tremendous inner peace. There was no grief anymore. Just peace.”

Acceptance works in all situations and with all kinds of people. You can use acceptance to work on finding a solution to whatever you are faced with or practise detachment if a solution evades you. Importantly, acceptance is what makes you peaceful. When you are at peace with yourself and your world you can make more informed, intelligent choices. It is through such choices that you can live the Life that you truly want. When you live a Life that you love, you cannot but be happy – despite the circumstances that you find yourself in!

The ‘Malvika Effect’ – unshackled by the past, undaunted by the future

Every once in a while, you will meet someone who will inspire you to live your Life differently. Soak in that inspiration and every time you feel desperate or depressed about something in Life, employ that person’s spirit, his or her joie de vivre, to revive you!

Last week we met one such person – Malvika Iyer. She’s a bilateral amputee, who lost both her hands in a bomb blast in Bikaner, Rajasthan, caused by a fire in an ammunition depot. It was a near fatal accident. Her two legs were badly injured too – she had multiple fractures in both of them; nerve paralysis in the right leg and hypoesthesia (loss of sensation) in the left leg. She was barely 13 then. She was hospitalized for 18 months and went through multiple surgeries in hospitals in Jaipur and Rajasthan. Today, almost 12 years on, Malvika is a Ph.D. Scholar and Junior Research Fellow at the Madras School of Social Work. She made up for the time she lost while she was in hospital, by completing her 10^th standard through a private appearance – she scored 97 % overall, with a 100 % each in Math and Science! Importantly, she finished in the same year that she would have, had she not met with the accident; which is, she did not lose an academic year! Malvika then went on to graduate from the famed St.Stephen’s College, New Delhi, even as she worked extensively with differently-abled children at the Centre for Child and Adolescent Well Being in New Delhi.    

Lady Courage - Malvika Iyer
Picture Courtesy: The Week/Internet

We went to meet Malvika, armed with all this information – of an achiever who had succeeded despite all the odds. But we ended up meeting the most down-to-earth person ever, a girl-next-door, who wore her ‘specialness’ on her sleeve. She is aggressive but not bitter and combative, she’s resolute but not abrasively feisty, she’s accepting of her ‘special’ condition but not apologetic, she’s conscious of her future – and the challenges it will bring along – but lives every moment to the fullest! Malvika says that she realized early on that camouflaging her disability was not a solution to her problem. Accepting the way she now was and living with the awareness of what she can and cannot do, was the only way, she reckoned, to live her Life fully, meaningfully!

There’s an infectious air of positivity about Malvika. Sitting with her you can feel your confidence levels receive a boost. You know that you too can face Life – squarely and with a smile! Behind Malvika’s quiet courage is her mother Hema’s unflinching support. Hema says Malvika’s accident changed their entire family’s attitude to living. Fear, insecurity, worry, anxiety – all these emotions, says Hema, did not mean anything, anymore. That Malvika had survived and that she had to live a full Life began to engage the entire family. So when Malvika – who chose not to wear her prosthetic hands when we visited her – whips out her smartphone and sends you a Friend Request on facebook, all by herself, without having hands like you and me, you know how right Hema’s been with dumping wasteful sentiments like self-pity and bitterness and encouraging Malvika to live and celebrate Life!

It is but natural to get stumped by one of Life’s blows. It takes time to make sense of what’s going on when Life socks you and shocks you. You don’t know how you are going to cope with your new reality. You don’t even know if you will make it, if you will survive to tell your tale. Surely, Malvika’s Life too went through precisely the same pattern, but where she changed the game for herself is to accept – and not resist – her new reality. From her acceptance, an inner peace was born. And that’s the resoluteness, the quiet courage that reflects in her. She employs this spirt to live her Life fully – unshackled by the past and undaunted by the future.

We came away inspired after meeting Malvika. You can all it the “Malvika Effect”! We were particularly delighted that she had accepted our invitation to receive the first copy of my forthcoming book “Fall Like A Rose Petal – A father’s lessons on how to be happy and content while living without money” (Westland) when it releases in August this year! I will carry the memory of this meeting in me for a long, long time – for it is not often that you meet someone who reminds you that you have, well, met Life!

To meditate is to immerse yourself in whatever you do

The true meaning of meditation is to immerse yourself totally in whatever you are doing. To just be.

Meditation therefore is immersion. Contrary to popular notion, to meditate you don't need a room, a pre-arranged environment or music or solitude or even quiet. You can immerse yourself in whatever you are doing __ cooking, reading, singing, cleaning, playing golf, gardening, carving fruit, walking....whatever, and you will find yourself meditating. As the Buddha discovered and taught, meditation is not an activity in itself but it is concerned with our alertness while doing any action. Meditation means to add awareness and alertness in our actions. Which is why immersion is a better word to describe the meditative state. For instance, when you are immersed in reading an unputdownable book, you may miss hearing the telephone ring or someone at the door. Surely, this has happened to you more than once in your Life. It would be fair to conclude that at such times you are meditating on or are immersed in something. Now, therefore, a pre-condition for immersion is always joy.

Only when you enjoy something, do you immerse yourself in it. For instance, if you ask a teenager to clean up her room or do the dishes, she's going to be grumpy. But let her read her favorite piece of fiction or listen to her favorite music or allow her uninterrupted access to facebook and you are unlikely to find her unhappy even momentarily. What gives you joy could be anything __ a poem, a dance, music or a painting. It could even be just watching the traffic crawl from your window or feeling the waves crash into you on the beach. Wherever there is joy, chances are you will feel timelessness, a certain oneness with whatever you are experiencing. That oneness state is meditation.

Joseph Campbell (1904~1987), American author and mythologist, famous for his 'Follow Your Bliss' philosophy, says he was inspired greatly by the Hindu Upanishads. His rationale is powerful in the context of our learning today. He declared: "Now, I came to this idea of bliss, because in Sanskrit, which is the great spiritual language of the world, there are three terms that represent the brink, the jumping-off place to the ocean of transcendence: Sat-Chit-Ananda. The word "Sat" means being. "Chit" means consciousness. "Ananda" means bliss or rapture. I thought, "I don't know whether my consciousness is proper consciousness or not; I don't know whether what I know of my being is my proper being or not; but I do know where my rapture is. So let me hang on to rapture, and that will bring me both my consciousness and my being." I think it worked."

So, immerse yourself in what you love, be in a rapturous state always, just being; your eternal meditative threshold will be eventually attained!

Don’t interfere with Life

Ending your Life is not a solution to the problems you face! Suicide is a very selfish act – while it may end your physical tribulations, it may just begin a whole new set for those people who love you, depend on you and believe in you!

This morning’s papers had a shocker. Murli Mohan, 54, whom the entire film, TV and advertising industry in Chennai knows as “Horlicks Uncle”, had committed suicide yesterday. He had become famous after he did a few television commercials, directed by ace filmmaker Rajiv Menon, for Horlicks several years ago. Mohan was known to us – our son had acted with him in television commercials for Milka Wondercake and TVS Motors, over 15 years ago. We remember Mohan as a cheerful person and as a thoroughbred professional. Today’s papers said he had been depressed because he had been out of work for over six months now. I was deeply saddened by the news, more so, for the reasons that were being attributed to Mohan taking that drastic step of ending his Life.

This Life we have is a gift. None of us have asked to be born. Yet we have been born. And that is the gift, this lifetime, that we must learn to cherish and celebrate. None of us has the right to take away what is not ours. And this Life is not our creation – it is just a gift. So, let Life take you wherever it takes you. You simply flow with it. And let it end, when it must, and when it will, and you see the end – if it can be called one, that is – whenever it comes.

Interestingly, had he lived, today would have been R.D.Burman’s (RD, Pancham) 75^th birthday. He was a genius. Someone who ruled the roost in Bollywood for 20+ years. Yet in the last decade of his work, he found work difficult to come by. Studios and producers – the same people who had waited in queues to sign him up earlier in his career – shut their doors on him. RD became depressed. And died, of a heart attack, beaten and side-lined. Yet, despite his depression, despite the rejection and humiliation, he did not give up. Every day, he made a fresh attempt to resurrect his career. It was one such effort that led to his meeting Vidhu Vinod Chopra and the making of 1942 – A Love Story, a film that won him a Filmfare award for Best Music Director, posthumously. Today, the same world, which once rejected him, holds RD’s memory on a divine pedestal and worships the man, his genius and his music!

Such is Life. Just a series of ups and downs, highs and lows. You – and I – have to face each of them stoically and with equanimity.

A friend famously remarked once, in the context of my bankruptcy and my inability to pay back my loans, “Someone who cannot keep up his commitments, especially with regard to money borrowed from people, has no business to live.” Indeed, one’s self-esteem gets punctured in such grave contexts like joblessness or cashlessness or any other. You may tend to conclude that it is futile to live. Yet, I firmly believe that low self-esteem does not give us the right to resort to a selfish act – suicide. Suicide may end your Life, but will make that of everyone around you miserable. Is that what you really want – for others to suffer at your expense? Motivation is an inside job. No one can help motivate you but yourself. In my case, I am blessed that my wife is by my side – walking with me, every step of the way, however treacherous the path may be. So, every day, we both wake up with a resolution to work harder to put our Life and business back on track. Every night we retire with the hope that the next day will be better and will bring with it a new beginning and a new opportunity. This is how we sustain our inner peace, our focus and our commitment to Life, to our family and to our creditors – one day at a time!

An unputdownable lesson that Life has taught me is this: Don’t interfere with Life with your whys, why mes, why nows? Just live with what you have, do what you can in the given situation to the best of your ability and savor each experience. Life will sort itself – and you – on its own, over a period of time!

No Rights, No Wrongs, Only Learnings!

Don’t struggle with making Life decisions – career or relationship choices and such. Go with what you want to do the most and what you can do the best! You will either pull it off. Or you will not. Either way, you will learn!

A young friend is a brilliant musician. But his parents wanted him to pursue an academic degree. So, he parked his music career aside and completed a Master’s Program. Now, he’s employed and is looking to re-start his music career but his folks – and extended family – want him to apply for a better-paying job in the US and migrate as soon as possible. The young chap is vexed. He believes next they will insist that he gets married. “And that will be the end of my music career,” he bemoans.

I asked him why he didn’t think it was possible that he could just do what he wanted to do. “I am not sure I will be successful with music initially. There won’t be money in it as I begin. And my folks warn me that if I realize later that I cannot be a successful – and well-earning – musician, my professional career too, which is starting-up smoothly now, may stand derailed,” he confessed.

I asked him if he enjoyed his “professional job”. And he replied that he didn’t quite: “It is dull and monotonous. I know I will never be happy working at it.” And what about his music, did he enjoy playing and making music? “Oh! Totally! I don’t even know it when I am playing. I just lose myself. I am happiest when I playing or composing music,” he exulted.

I did not force my opinion on my young friend. I simply suggested that he must pursue what gives him joy, what he’s deeply passionate about – which is music. And that he must focus on becoming a world-class player. Money, I said, will come on its own when his music touches lives and creates waves!

Undoubtedly, there are many in my young friend’s shoes. Maybe not all of them are faced with a career dilemma. Some are dithering on relationship decisions as well. All I have to tell anyone who’s torn between “what’s right and what’s wrong” – as a decision – is to do whatever they feel is the best for them. Which again is defined as what gives them happiness. Nothing is wrong. Nothing is right. What we call as a great decision that resulted in us getting or doing something valuable, is really an amazing confluence of place, time and opportunity. So, when a decision works for you, you learn what to do! And what we call a mistake is the same__a combination of place, time and opportunity__this time to learn about what not to do.

When we let go of our fear and insecurity that our decisions may be wrong, and let go of our need to be right every time, we will find inner peace, happiness and success – in that order!

Life’s Masterplan for you has no flaws!

If you are still alive means you will survive to tell the tale.

Many times in a Lifetime, you encounter situations when you say you cannot go on. That you would much rather die than undergo this ordeal called Life. That you want to give up. When every door seems shut on you, when darkness engulfs you, when you see no way out and you are in the throes of despair and fear, check your pulse. Listen to your heart beat. Hear yourself breathing. If you are alive, it means it is not over yet. Stop looking for external signals for hope and revival. Look within. You will find the light of your soul as blinding in its radiance as it is comforting. "That which does not kill us makes us stronger," said Friedrich Nietzsche, the 19th Century German philosopher and poet. Know that this is true. This is what Life is all about.

Marco on the left, in white, and Tash at the extreme right
Picture Courtesy: MasterChef  Australia Season 6 website

I am not a serious MasterChef Australia watcher on TV. But I am glad I watched a recent episode of Season 6 of the show. Celebrity British chef, Marco Pierre White, 52, was the guest judge that week. The Guardian has called Marco kitchen’s enfant terrible and one part Hannibal Lecter (a fictional character who is a brilliant psychiatrist and cannibalistic serial killer in a series of suspense novels by Thomas Harris) and one part Yoda (a fictional character, a powerful Jedi Master, in George Lucas’ Star Wars universe). Marco has been dubbed the godfather of modern cooking, having been the youngest chef to have ever been awarded three Michelin stars. With Marco prowling around the MasterChef kitchen the three contestants that evening were obviously nervous beyond description. One of them, who did not make the grade, would be eliminated from the contest that night! They were to make one of Marco’s own signature dishes, a roast pigeon ravioli, based on his own recipe and serve it back him and the other three judges! They had to do this in an incredible 60 minutes. As the 60 minutes ticked away, Tash Shan, 27, a social media manager from the Australian Capital Territory that includes Canberra, was aghast that she had not finished the dish per Marco’s recipe. So, there she was, at 60 minutes, with a dish which, in her opinion, was “incomplete”.

When she presented her “incomplete” dish to the judges, Marco asked her how she was feeling. “I feel I have lost this contest and that I will be sent home,” replied Tash.

Marco asked, his eyes piercing Tash like a dagger: “Do you really want to go home or do you want to stay in the contest?”

Tash replied: “I want to stay in the contest so badly. There’s so much to learn. I can’t afford to go away now.”

Marco, with a shake of his head, said (what I recall to be this): “Whenever you reach a dead-end in Life, when you think you can go no more, you must not give up. You must never call it quits. You must get up, dust yourself and move one. This is as true about cooking as it is about Life. Every experience teaches you something. Focus on the experience, focus on the learning from it, and don’t really bother too much about the result!”

Tash survived that episode. But more importantly she learnt a big, big Life lesson from a Master. Marco’s message is applicable to all of us too. This Life isn’t about winning or losing. It isn’t about acquiring and owning, gaining and securing, material assets. If at the end of the day, you have had a million experiences in a lifetime and have learnt from each of them, you are the biggest millionaire around! It is through the experiences that we are put through that Life will mold us and make us into a flawless piece of work to fulfill a larger cosmic design, a Masterplan.  And remember, Life's Masterplan for each of us has NO FLAWS!

Genuine teachers are fellow voyagers – they teach you how to face Life!

When you don’t know what to do, when you feel the most vulnerable, do what gives you inner peace – as long as it won’t hold you hostage in the long run.  

When you go through crisis in Life, or when you start searching for meaning in Life, often times people or practices or movements or communities will come your way. They may have always been there – but it is only through being in a crisis that you may notice them! Just being with such people will give you immense inner peace in the face of all the chaos and turmoil around you. In fact all the anxiety and suffering within you will subside in their presence. And you will want to explore that path, the one that’s helping you anchor within, more. But people around you will warn you that such influences are ‘evil’; they will say that you have lost it or that you will be cheated or that you are headed in the wrong direction. Employ a simple rule of thumb: if you are finding greater inner peace in doing what you are doing, simply do it! I am not championing escapism – through drinking alcohol or doing drugs. I am suggesting exercising a mature, aware choice that helps you gain inner peace.

It is normally through a crisis, or from a sense of listlessness, that the search for the meaning of, and for meaning in, Life begins. This search may lead you to places of worship, to the scriptures, to spiritual Gurus, to a deep study of religion, to practices such as transcendental meditation or yoga, to communities like ISKCON (International Society for Krishna Consciousness) or to self-help groups that use the scriptures or psychology-based methods and practices for healing and anchoring within. Normally, you end up trying several of these and then choose the one that works for you. And it is not necessary that your choice, your path, may the one chosen for someone else in your same situation. For instance, I know some who became a Buddhist when she wanted to get over her mid-Life career crisis and then decided she needed “no religion” to live her Life. Someone else, a Hindu, in the same situation, found great value in the teachings of Jesus Christ and embraced Christianity. Another person we know, who has a special child, is a devout follower of Swami Sathya Sai Baba. While someone else follows the teachings of Jaggi Vasudev. Each of us has a unique way of making sense of Life. And each person encounters and chooses as catalyst that someone or religion or practice that supports his or her journey the best. Yes the world is full of people who take people for a ride and try to capitalize on their vulnerability. But not all Gurus are crooks and no religion is flawed – just the way religion is practised today is questionable!

But I believe I am blessed. Because I have met only the most wonderful people in Life. Their experiences and their wisdom have contributed to my evolution in no small measure. I have understood that all the scriptures, all the religions, all the teachers and all the Gurus champion the same lesson – Live in the moment and live Life to the fullest! They may speak different languages, they may show different approaches, but the message is the same. So, there really is no problem if you use religion or if you follow a Guru to arrive at that awakening, to learn to live Life without worry and simply be!

The problem arises when you expect others to solve your problems! This is where you get waylaid. This is where the charlatans thrive and operate. This is how your vulnerability is leveraged. No one can solve another’s problems. Every problem, every crisis, every grief, every event of pain and loss has to be faced and gone through in Life. Genuine teachers are fellow voyagers – just like you and me. They have no magical powers. They will not tell you that they can solve your problems. They will only teach you how to deal with a problem. They will help you evolve and mature into a stronger person. In their company, from their teachings, through their grace, you will learn the value of letting go, the power of acceptance and the meaning of just being.

Whoever you choose to guide you, lead you, follow them or embrace such a practice only if it helps you anchor within, with inner peace. Because only when you are peaceful within that you can deal with the chaos and crisis outside!

People are – and will be – different from you!

Don’t expect everyone to be like you and to agree to everything you say or do. Simply accept the diversity in people around you! 

Last evening I watched Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani (Ayan Mukerji, 2013, Ranbir Kapoor, Deepika Padukone) one more time. In one scene in the movie, Padukone, while examining her relationship with Kapoor, tells him: “Tum galat nahin ho; bas mujhse alag ho!” It means: “You are not wrong, you are just different from me!” I thought that’s a wonderful way to relate to people that we have relationships with.

Much of your strife in relationships comes from wanting people to understand you, from wanting them to see your point of view and from wanting them to agree with you on everything. Now, this isn’t really ever going to happen. So we go on piling this impractical, unreasonable expectation on people around us and, therefore, we continue to wallow in grief and suffering when our relationships fail.

I have learnt this lesson the hard way. Initially, I used to have a huge problem in an all important relationship with my own mother. This caused me enormous grief and inner strife. But when I learned this lesson, I found my whole attitude change to one of acceptance – of our diametrically opposite ways of looking at and dealing with Life and of our different outlooks to how it must be lived. The day I stopped wanting to be right and stopped demanding that only my view be respected, I became peaceful. When I made my peace – over the way things were – I discovered how simple Life really is. I realized that we complicate it by expecting people around us to be a certain way.

Every relationship, in fact any relationship, is stressed when we try to apply labels of right and wrong or impose dos and don’ts to whatever’s happening in it. The best way to avoid that stress is to accept that people are, and will be, different. That there’s no right or wrong – there’s just a different point of view. And through such a simple, relatable framework, you build and sustain beautiful, ever-evolving relationships.

The futility of being in a road battle

Be wary of what battles you choose to fight and where. Sometimes, the pettiness of things – and people – may just drain you completely.

This morning we were caught in a traffic hold-up. Apparently, a car, some distance ahead of us, had jammed the brakes to negotiate a speed-breaker. The car right behind it, naturally could not stop in time, and so it ended up ramming the first car in the rear. The impact left an ugly dent on the bumper of the first car and a broken headlight in the car that rammed into it. Both drivers were out on the street, holding up the traffic, and pointing their middle fingers at each other. It was, as you can imagine, quite a sight.

I believe, if you consider the situation on our roads both practically, and based on facts, having a “dentless” vehicle is impossible in an Indian context. The newer the vehicle, the more the chances of it “acquiring” a dent. I remember, the first time I owned a sedan, the good ol’ Maruti 1000, I had taken it for a pooja at a Ganesha temple in our neighborhood. No sooner was the arathi over, a scooterist rammed into it because his brakes didn’t work properly when he was trying to park beside my brand new beauty! I was aghast. And agitated for weeks after the incident. The second sedan I acquired, was also a Maruti, an Esteem. And I dented it while parking at a restaurant on the first day after I took delivery of the car from the dealer – I had decided to take the family out for a spin to “celebrate” the arrival of our new car! The second time I did not grieve as much. The third time I bought a new car I don’t even remember how the car got dented – but I do know it had quite a few all over!

I have learnt that road rage is the biggest contributor to disturbing our peace on a daily basis. Someone cutting the lane, someone speeding past on the wrong side, someone breaking a traffic light and forcing you to slam your brakes, someone driving into you on a one-way, pedestrians darting across in your path suddenly or someone just mindlessly ramming into your vehicle – all these and more tend to make your blood boil. But expecting civility, politeness, concern for the other and respect for traffic rules, in the current Indian context, is the first and the primary reason for all our misery on the road. Just drop all expectations. If your vehicle is damaged, and the damage is not too serious, simply drive on. Or if you must, follow the process and make an insurance claim. If your vehicle is damaged badly, make that insurance claim. Period. There’s no point wagging your middle finger and arguing with, often times, an intemperate fellow citizen! The debate, as to who was at fault, will be endless.

The simple truth is there are far too many vehicles on Indian roads than what our roads are built to carry. The situation doesn’t seem to get any better. Blowing your fuse every time you use the road is only going to keep you on the edge. And each time you use the road you can be assured of either being party or witness to at least one episode of road-stupidity or an accident. So, unless you learn to keep your calm and move on, you will be hopping mad.  Your hopping mad can fix no dent. Nor can it cure irreverent and insensitive fellow road users. To protect your own inner peace, you must choose your (road) battles wisely. In fact, choose none. Just take a deep breath and keep driving, or walking!

Life lesson from a mismanaged bar counter

As long as you accept what comes your way, you will be always at peace with and in Life!

Last evening, we were at a pre-wedding reception of a good friend. It was a well-choreographed evening of music and dance. And, of course, drinks and some exquisite gourmet food. As the evening progressed and the Manganiyars from Rajasthan took the audience on a spiritual high with some soul-stirring Sufi music, the bar ran out of wine. What had been on offer was red wine from Australia and California, white wine from Italy, and domestic beer. It appeared that the people managing the bar had wrongly estimated the inventory required for the evening. For some time, there was chaos at the bar counter. But the guests, obviously, given the occasion, did not make this inadvertent aberration a big issue. Soon, the bar started serving some cheap red and white wine and everyone seemed to either be content with the new order or switched to beer. The evening went on and climaxed with some spirited dancing by the guests and a high-octane rendition of “Dama-dam Mast Kalandhar…” and “Nimbooda…Nimbooda…” (Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam, 1999, Sanjay Leela Bhansali) by the Manganiyars.

I was reminded of a quote of Epictetus (55 AD ~ 135 AD), the Greek sage and Stoic philosopher: “Remember that in Life you must behave as at a banquet. Is anything brought round to you? Put out your hand, and take a moderate share. Does it pass you? Do not stop it. Is it not come yet? Do not yearn in desire towards it, but wait till it reaches you.”  

If you observe Life closely, all the suffering around you, or even in you, comes from your wants. In expecting people, situations and things to be different from the way they are, you invite misery to yourself. Obviously the managers at the hotel, where last evening’s reception, was held had goofed up. Or perhaps there was a miscommunication, or a mis-estimation, of the required inventory between the hosts and the hotel’s staff. Now what can be done about it? I am sure some of the people from among the hosts will do a post-mortem and maybe the hotel’s management will review it as well. But what control does a guest, like me, have on the way the bar was managed? I just shrugged my shoulders, picked up some domestic beer, and was lost in the music.

This is precisely the way to deal with everything and everyone in Life. You – and I – have no control on what happens to us. There is no point in complicating your Life by demanding that people and events be in a certain way. The fact is that everything is the way it is. What is, is your reality. Your wishing it to be different cannot change the reality, cannot change what is. So, every time your mind agitates, every time you pine for something to be different, remember Epictetus. Just accept what comes and let things, people, events and situations, simply be! Happiness and inner peace are intended and assured outcomes!

Be a teacher to an enemy, not an avenger

Live without enmity. Your enemies too then will become your raving fans.

This is a difficult choice, this living without enmity business. Because sometimes our principles are outraged, our sincerity is questioned and our need to set the record straight and redeem our pride starts driving us. In such moments, a lot of negative energy is generated that starts consuming us. Recognize that “How dare someone do this to me?” is a sentiment that is the fountainhead of anger, anxiety, stress and destructive thinking. Suppress the urge to be angry with the situation. Instead, give the situation love. Understand that someone is being preposterous, rude, unfair and unjust to you, only because they are viewing the situation differently. If they saw it your way, there would be no issue. Such people need help. Either you convince them or you forgive them and move on. If you are unable to convince them of your point of view, and are unable to forgive them; and on the other hand, you also want to fight for your right in a fair and free manner, by all means, go ahead. But don't approach the situation with enmity. Approach it as an opportunity to educate the person. Education requires enormous patience and a desire to present a teachable point of view. Wanting to teach a lesson, always, has a sense of wasted urgency to it and a vengeful perspective.

Whenever confronted with the dilemma of wanting to prove your point, and yet be forgiving, opt to be a teacher, not an avenger. When realization dawns on the other party, and be sure it will because if you are true you will get your way eventually, they will feel good and alive with the awakening, and not be destroyed with the defeat.

Coping with Life when you don’t get what you want

Life often will not work the way you want it to. In such times, more than any other, it is important to learn to stay detached from the outcomes of your efforts.

A dear friend is going through a grim career crisis. He’s an expert, the tallest professional, in his field. He’s well known and widely respected in the industry. Yet he’s unable to get himself a job. He briefly tried his hand at consulting but things didn’t work out. The few times he did get jobs, in the last five years, he has been unable to retain them. Either he fell out with his bosses or the company he worked for decided to close down his division or there was a downsizing that led to his axing. In the last few months, my friend has been out of job again and is battling depression and negativity – which is stemming from his efforts on the job front drawing a naught every single time.

Anger, frustration, self-doubt, self-pity and depression – all these are by-products of an expectation that if you are hard-working, sincere and ethical, nothing should go wrong with your plans or that every effort of yours should yield the result or outcome that you truly deserve and expect. There’s nothing wrong with this logical expectation. In reality though, Life doesn’t conform to any logic. Fortune or tragedy, success or failure, opportunity or rejection – none of these choose those that they strike! They simply happen. Because Life happens through the medium of time. And each of us, whether we like it or not, whether we accept it or not, whether we believe it or not, is a product of the time we are going through. So, you can be the most talented, most respected person in your chosen field and you can be out of work. You can appear to be the fittest person around but you could be having a grave health challenge. You can be the most understanding, caring and compassionate spouse, and yet your partner could be in another relationship. Simply, there’s no point getting angry with the Life you have. Because your anger or depression can’t change your reality.

This doesn’t mean that you should resign to your fate. Acceptance is different from resignation. In resignation, there’s a certain frustration and depression that is simmering within. In acceptance, there’s peace and equanimity. In acceptance, there’s an opportunity for further action. In resignation, your frustration will hold you hostage. It will keep pushing you down a negative spiral. When you accept your current reality, you will realize that the best thing to do when things are not working out as planned, is to simply make your daily efforts and choose not to get depressed when the results don’t come as expected. This is not a profound perspective. This is a real world, practical point of view. It comes from experience and from knowing that when you don’t get what you want, it doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you. It simply means it not time yet for you to get what you want!

In uncontrollable situations, practise patience

Cultivate patience – especially in situations where you have no control over what’s going on!

Two evenings ago, I was riding in an auto-rickshaw through rush hour traffic. We got stuck in a massive traffic jam that last over 30 minutes. The heat and humidity was maddening. People were impatient in their vehicles and kept honking in vain, adding to the chaos. Not a vehicle budged. The fumes from the exhaust of the vehicles made the already sweltering heat even more difficult to bear. In such times, I have learnt to focus my attention on something other than what causes me concern or what remains out of my control. So, I kept chatting with my wife or checking cricket scores on my phone or simply watched my breathing. A couple of times that my mind strayed to complain about the heat, din and mess we found ourselves in, I brought it back to attend on my breathing. Not everyone around was so forgiving. People were complaining, honking or were trying to elbow other vehicles in the hope that some vehicle ahead would make way and we could move.

Chennai moves a Heart: Picture Courtesy/Times of India

The next morning’s papers had this moving story on how Chennai halted traffic that evening to save a Life! In a beautiful example of precision and coordination between surgeons of two hospitals and the city traffic police, a medical team transported a heart from the Government General Hospital near Chennai Central to Fortis Malar Hospitals in Adayar, about 12 kms away, in less than 14 minutes by creating a “green corridor” – that is, red-light free access. For those unfamiliar with Chennai, it’s important to know that the road connecting the two hospitals is a key arterial road, usually carrying heavy traffic. That the police, doctors and the people of Chennai (unwittingly) cooperated to free up that arterial road, which lead the other roads feeding it getting choked and me and my wife getting into the traffic jam we were caught in, for saving a Life is obviously a great feat.

When I reflected on the background to that insane traffic jam we were stuck in, I realized how insignificant our 30-minute wait really was. And I sure all those who honked and complained, fretted and fumed, may have felt that way too.

This reflection led to a reiteration of a learning I have had. There will be times when people, events, situations, will be beyond your control. Trying to control that which is uncontrollable is a sure prescription for anxiety and stress. What can you do if you are stuck in a traffic jam and nothing’s moving – actually, when nothing’s movable? What can you do if you miss a flight? What can you do if you have lost your home keys and are locked out for the night? What can you do when you can’t do something about a thing, person, event or situation? Instead of boiling over, focus on your breathing. Use the event or situation as an opportunity to practise patience. When you are patient with someone or a situation, you are peaceful. When you are at peace, you are happy. It is as simple as that! Try practising patience in a stress-filled, pressure-cooker situation the next time you encounter one. Believe me, you will feel lighter and more cheerful! 

Life has no meaning: Just enjoy being alive!

Nobody has any answers to Life. Life itself offers no explanations, no justifications, no reasons, no meanings. It just spews out experience after experience; that which deliver lesson after lesson!

The best way to live Life is therefore to not stop asking questions, but to stop looking for answers or for meaning. Each individual must glean learnings from Life through personal experiences. That really is the beauty of Life. Among the zillion and more questions that have no answers, a simple one that really begs understanding is why this Life in the first place?

A fellow voyager through Life, who goes by the name Ma Anand Utkantha (meaning deep longing for bliss), has this experience to share: “After a very dramatic and Life-changing event in my Life I started to look for answers to the most perplexing questions about Life, about God, what is my purpose, what is “this” all about, why am I lying here, in a hospital's intensive care, with my body completely destroyed, who am I after all, what do I want, why didn't I die, why am I living. Sometime in Life one walks through a minefield, where the only thing that counts is how you can rely on yourself, not on others. I needed to learn that. I wanted to learn that so that I could do something meaningful with my Life for me and for others.” So, she goes to Osho, the Master, and gets this answer: “MEANING IS A HUMAN INVENTION. There is no meaning to Life itself, it is beyond meaning. One simply lives, for no other reason; one lives for Life’s sake. Then Life is not a means to something else, it is beautiful as it is; it is not fulfilling any purpose. In fact, it simply is. Because it is not fulfilling any purpose that it is so beautiful, so utterly beautiful. It has no utility, it is not full of commodities, it is full of poetry. What meaning does a rose flower have, what purpose? What is the meaning of a night full of stars? And what is the meaning of love? What is the meaning of all that you are surrounded by? There is no meaning in it. And if you are in need of meaning, then you will project. Then existence becomes just a screen and you project your meaning on it. Buddha says: ‘The inner emptiness is so beautiful, don’t stuff it with junk, leave it as it is.’ And that’s what meditation is all about, that’s what Zen is. It means living out of emptiness, asking nothing from Life, living moment to moment for no other reason, just enjoying being alive. It is more than you can ask for! What more meaning do you need? Is breathing not enough? Is this chirping of the birds not enough? Is the green and the red and the gold of the trees not enough? Is this vast existence with all its splendor not enough? Do you still want some meaning?”

So, enjoy the undiluted poetry of Life in the emptiness of your soul. Stop searching for answers and meanings in Life. Start living. Simply.

Walk the line of lunacy, follow your bliss!

Whatever you believe in, let it take over your Life. Simply be led by your bliss. And then watch the road unfold and doors open for you!

Satyen Das: Picture Courtesy - TOI/Internet

This morning’s Times of India (TOI) had this inspiring story of a rickshaw puller from Kolkata, Satyen Das, 40, who has embarked, this past weekend, on a 2,500-km adventure to Leh, Ladakh. Das will go through Jharkhand, Uttar Pradesh, Punjab and Jammu and Kashmir, before reaching Leh – on his rickety, old cycle-rickshaw. He says it’s his desire to explore the country that drives him. Eight years ago, he kept his word to his wife and son, and took them to Puri in Odisha in his rickshaw. He says that trip opened his eyes, and his heart, and ever since he has been wanting to do a longer, and more arduous, trip. Das makes a living, earning just about Rs.200/- a day, ferrying passengers to and from the Gitanjali Metro station in Naktala, in Kolkata. But when he shared his dream with people around him, everyone got together and soon a sum of Rs.5,000/- was collected helping Das set off on this incredible journey. Members of a local Kolkata club have promised to keep collecting funds for him and have given him an ATM card which will help him draw those funds anywhere on his four-month-long journey. Debashish, the local club official who is raising money for him, told TOI’s Prithvijit Mitra, that Das’ an exceptionally brave adventurer: “He is quiet and unassuming but he has a streak of madness, a penchant for taking risks and exploring the unknown. He is a dreamer.”

I found Das’ story fascinating. A school drop-out and a daily wage earner goes on to follow his bliss and pursue his dream, while many of us struggle with earning-a-living and complain incessantly that we don’t have the Life that we want. I think the critical difference between us and Das is what Debashish has pointed out – we don’t follow the streak of madness within us, so we don’t take the plunge – the risk! To be sure, we are also dreamers, we also have the urge to explore the unknown. But we suppress our urge, and our practical sense of what we think is “secure living” – a fixed income per month, the education of our children and retirement funds being planned – keeps our feet nailed to the ground. So we are risk-averse. And wallow in self-pity that we have been unable to do what we want in Life.

None of us is growing any younger.  As the Persian poet Omar Khayyam (1048 AD ~1131 AD) has said: “The Wine of Life keeps oozing drop by drop; the Leaves of Life keep falling one by one.” So, postponing living, postponing what gives us joy, is hardly an intelligent thing to do. I think the biggest risk in Life is not taking a risk – in not walking the line of lunacy, in not doing what you really want to do. When you don’t follow your bliss, the risk is simply that you may never get to follow it!

Awareness is the key to uproot debilitating emotions

The only way you can go the root of your emotions is by simply being. Through experiencing total awareness.   

A close friend pointed out, after reading my blogpost of yesterday, that while it is easy to suggest that we must uproot whatever causes debilitating emotions in us, it is very difficult to actually do that. Indeed there are no methods. But uprooting the cause of anger, fear, anxiety, worry, jealousy, grief or guilt, from within us, is not entirely difficult. If you learn to be aware, through consistent training of your mind, you can go to the cause of your emotions and uproot them!

The human mind thrives in the past and in the future. It keeps on reminding you that a worry of an unborn future is more important than the present moment. It drags you to bemoan a dead past instead of being present in the now. This is why you are continuously trapped with all these emotions. Awareness means being present in the now. This doesn’t mean anger will not arise in you. It will. But your awareness will remind you that being angry is futile. Because your anger is directed at what has happened. It is directed at a past – which is over, which is dead. So, you realize the futility of your being angry. It is the same with fear. You fear someone or something because you are afraid you will lose someone or something. Fear concerns a loss most of the time. Your awareness will help you understand that fear of a loss is inconsequential in the endgame. Because anyway when you depart, you will go empty-handed. When you are aware you will realize that there is no loss and no gain in Life. Everything is just an experience.

Awareness is a state of non-doing. In awareness, you lose all subjectivity. There is no witness, only witnessing remains. Since you drop the ego, the mind becomes powerless. You are now witnessing each of your emotions, and in the larger, expanded consciousness, you are realizing how futile they are. That’s really how you uproot these emotions and live freely. This requires continuous effort and training of the mind. Over a period of time, being totally aware, simply being, becomes your natural state. That’s when you will experience total bliss!

Don’t be a fly on a window pane

To get out of a situation that you dislike or despise, first examine how and why you got into it in the first place. What got you in can often get you out.  

Very often we find ourselves in places and contexts that we hate. It could be in a relationship or with regard to your career or your health or your money situation. You may just not be happy being where you are – or being with someone! The normal response is to get frustrated and bitter with yourself, with people around you and with the situation. This isn’t going to help. You have to get out of the situation by going out the same way that you got in. A simple analogy is to consider the plight of a smoker – he or she often detests the idea of chain-smoking. In private, she or he will confess that they feel lousy every time they light up. Yet they keep suffering because the only way they can stop feeling that way is by quitting smoking. They got into smoking from not smoking. They have to get out of smoking by not smoking. Simple. Period. If you recall seeing a fly on a glass pane you will understand this better. The poor fly does not know how to go past the closed window’s glass pane, into the garden, and so, pathetically, it keeps knocking itself on the glass pane until it loses its energy and falls dead on the window sill. Poor fly. All it had to do was to turn around and go out the same way it came in – through an open door or window. Now, a fly can be forgiven for being stupid. Not you and me! We have been endowed with an intelligence that demands that we don’t battle situations mindlessly.

This approach applies to all our daily emotions too – anger, hatred, fear, jealousy, anxiety, worry. Every day living is full of situations that force us to experience some or many of these emotions daily. At times, especially when we are making an effort to transform ourselves, the very thought that we allowed these emotions to take root and rule us, makes us feel disgusted. There’s no point getting angry over having gotten angry. Go to the cause of your anger. Go to the cause of why you fear someone or something. Go to the cause of your worry. When you can go to the root and uproot that cause you can be free of whatever you despise and whatever holds you hostage.   

How to be free from the fear of failure

To be free from the fear of failure stop imposing conditions on the outcomes of your efforts. In whatever situation, do your best, and leave the rest to Life!

Yesterday I met a young businessman who, like me, had lost a lot of money in business. He was in debt for almost 10 years. And although he has managed to clear all his loans, his business is not doing too well and he himself has become very tentative and risk-averse. “I am bogged down by the fear of failure. I am unable to work with a free mind,” he confessed.

The fear of failure is a human creation. In Life’s larger design there’s nothing called success and failure. There are only efforts and events. Each outcome of an effort is a mere event. It is the human mind, driven by social conditioning, that labels these events as success or failure. Think about it: when you make an effort, an outcome will follow. Now, who decides and qualifies the outcome? It’s you who does that. As such the outcome has no quality. For instance, you put in a lot of effort at work. At the end of one year, you get a raise. Now, because you got that raise, you label the outcome as success. Had you not got it, you would have called the outcome a failure. But what about your effort? Would you now review your effort and say you will not want to work as hard because you are not likely to get a raise? This will only lead to a mediocre performance by you. And again you will end up not getting a raise. And therefore leading to unhappiness and discontentment with your job. There’s no point in looking at work and Life this way. It will leave you incomplete and frustrated. Instead simply focus on your effort. Do whatever you are good at happily. Pour your heart into it. And don’t worry about the outcome. If the result meets or exceeds your expectation, fine. If the result falls short of your expectations, fine again. Either way, learn from the experience. What will people say, how society labels you – these are inconsequential. What is important is that you worked hard, and well, and enjoyed yourself in the process. Simply stay with that perspective.

The key in Life is to enjoy the experience of living. With fear of failure you make the experience nightmarish. It disturbs your inner peace and robs you of the opportunity to be happy. Let go of that fear by stopping to impose conditions on how you want the results to be. Just put in your best every single time, into each moment. And discover how blissful you can really be!