The door to happiness is always open

Last evening, I heard this song “Tujse Naaraaz Nahi Zindagi…” from Masoom (1983, Shekar Kapur, R.D.Burman, Gulzar, Anoop Ghoshal). It’s a beautiful, soulful song! A line in it, “…jeene ke liye socha hi nahin, dard sambhalne honge…”, holds the key to why we often struggle with Life! The line means, “I never thought I have to deal with/manage pain to live Life!” Interesting, isn’t it? Almost all of us have encountered pain__and resultantly suffering__without preparation. As kids, our painful moments would be anchored and cushioned under the protective care of our parents. But when we step into adult Life, our first experience socks us. And the reason why we are numbed by the first episode of pain in our independent lives is that we have never been educated on Life in our early years. We haven’t been told that:

•          Life never guarantees any fair-play
•          Life will keep on happening to us – no matter what we want or expect
•          Pain in Life is inevitable
•          The only way to be happy in Life is to decide to be happy – no matter what!

Had we been exposed to these truisms about Life, as much as we have been introduced to Math, Science, History, Geography and the languages, perhaps, we would have been better prepared for Life.

Nevertheless, it is not too late either. You can make a beginning now by deciding to be happy!

Once you make that decision, make sure nothing comes in its way. You are standing on the threshold of happiness, knocking on the door to open. After much knocking you will realize, much to your amazement, that the door was always open. All you had to do was to DECIDE to push it, than keep knocking on it, for you to enter the kingdom of happiness. This is what you are doing with your Life too. You are choosing NOT to be happy. Being happy means being so despite your circumstances. But you choose to stand on that threshold and hope that your circumstance will change and THEN you will be happy. How will you? If you can’t be happy with what you have, with what is, with what you can see, with your present, what are the chances you will be happy with what you may get, in a future that you can’t see yet?

So, stop running from pillar to post, stop the procrastination, stop knocking, just decide. Your one decision can change your Life!

Beware – being sad is comfortable

Yesterday I saw a comment by someone on facebook that he was going to be away from “facebooking” for several months as he was “feeling low” and wanted to deal with his depression. His comment made me wonder – can stopping to engage with people (isn’t that what facebook allows you to do?) help you deal with your feelings – low energy, distaste for anything and everything, and depression?

Yes, surely, we all need some time and space to be left alone, to pause and reflect. But you don’t have to go into a shell, into a cave, into hiding! When you feel low, examine your ‘feeling’ closely. You will find that what you think is causing your depression is not actually causing it. On the contrary you are causing your own depression. You are feeling low because you are ‘comfortable’ feeling low.

Consider this: your work and career are plateauing, you don’t enjoy the work you are doing anymore. Now is your organization and the nature of its business to blame for your feeling low? Or are your colleagues? Or your boss? The truth is that none of them is. You are. You don’t like the work you do so you don’t like going to work anymore on that count. What’s the point brooding about it. Take action. Simple. Look for a new job. And move on.

I am not advising or even suggesting that “feeling low” is bad. In fact, when you feel low, “feel” that energy with your soul. Give it all your attention. Don’t slip into the comfort that sadness, lethargy, distaste provide. Beware – being sad is comfortable. You don’t have to do anything. Just sit brooding and people will do things for you. You can go on staring at the walls or the ceiling. You don’t have to smile. You need not go for walks. You can just eat your meals or even skip them. You can say you are depressed and not go to work. So, in essence, wallowing in low energy is comfortable. On the other hand, feeling good about Life is a lot of work. You have to make a choice to stay positive. And you have to do it with all your soul.

Grieving over Life is not going to make living it any easier. Hiding from people is also not going to help either. The only cure for “feeling low” is to stop looking at what “isn’t” there in your Life and to start focusing on what “is” there! Shift your attention from scarcity to abundance. When you are soaked in abundance, your will find your energy levels soaring! 

We are all works-in-progress!

Everyone who comes into your Life is teaching you something, somewhere, all the time. The learning may not be always packaged as one, but if you are tuned into Life’s experiences, you will pick up the learning nevertheless.

Yesterday, I had to request for a service to be delivered to my home by a reputed brand. The company sent me a service representative who was impolite, impudent and, to top it all, was inexperienced. He was a young man who had little patience to understand the problem that he had been sent to solve, let alone solve it! Predictably, I had to turn him away. But the urgency to find a solution to the problem we were facing and my own desire to provide feedback to the company’s management, led me to escalate the matter to the brand’s senior management in my city. The person who took my call was apologetic and immediately sent me a more diligent and experienced representative. The man, in his mid-30s, fixed my problem in some time. And when he was taking my leave, thanked him and I narrated my unfortunate experience with his younger colleague. He apologized, and then, sheepishly smiling at me, he said: “Sir, to be honest even I was like him. I was very ineffective with customer service. But I guess you learn from each experience – good or bad – in Life. As long as you learn, you are growing. I take your compliment as a sign of my personal evolution. Thanks!”

His mature and profound articulation blew me away completely. He was the most unlikely candidate to extol the virtues of learning from Life. Or to be honest about his own learning curve. Yet what sets him apart are precisely those two factors – that he is a learner, and he is not afraid to either make a mistake or own up one!

We are all works-in-progress. No one’s born perfect or experienced. As long as we can learn from each experience in Life, we will grow. Our personal evolution is truly a function of how much we are learning – no matter who we are learning from!

To avoid suffering – simply let go!

We all resist and grieve when things__or people or opportunities__get taken away from us. Actually, what has to happen will happen – so why cling on to what’s being taken away from you and create so much suffering for yourself in the bargain?

Sunita Naik: Pic Courtesy: Shailesh Bhatia, India Today

I read the moving story of journalist-turned-editor-turned-millionaire-turned-pauper-turned-destitute Sunita Naik, 65, last week. A former editor of the Marathi magazine Grihalaxmi, Naik had at one time, just over a decade ago, two apartments in prime locations in Mumbai, cars, a good, steady income and a solid cash reserve. She is single and does not have anyone in the world. Then, over the years, she lost her job, got into debt, had to sell off her apartments, and live off the interest her cash reserve was generating each month. However, someone known to her, under the pretext of helping her with her banking work swiped her accounts clean, leaving Naik penniless. Evicted from her rented house in Thane, Naik came to the streets. She took refuge on the pavement outside a gurudwara in Versova and lived there for a few months with her pet dog, Sashi. A Mid-Day reporter bumped into her one day and ran her story in the paper. People pitied with her. But few showed active interest in helping her. She was not begging. She was just homeless and penniless. Finally, a compassionate couple, Christine and Gregory Misquitta offered her shelter in their home. They love dogs so Sashi found a home too!

This story, of course, reminds us yet again of the fickle and fragile nature of Life. But I also learned from Sunita’s story that she displayed a great sense of “let-go”. She seemed to be in great acceptance of the whatever was happening to her Life – whether it was a career-high at one time or numbing penury and homelessness at another! And things did happen to her – just the way they had to, right up to good folks, the Misquittas, taking her home!

A prime cause of suffering in our lives is that we resist whatever we dislike. But whatever’s happening to you does not pause to enquire whether you like it or not. It just happens. So, when you can’t prevent whatever’s happening, the best way forward is to stop wanting to and trying to control it. Simply let go. And let things happen! Irrespective of what you believe or think, whatever happens, eventually happens for your good __ every single time!

On this Gokulashtami, Sri Krishna’s birthday, revisiting the Essence of the Bhagavad Gita, can, I believe, have a calming, uplifting effect on you – no matter what you are dealing with currently!

Whatever happened, it happened well.

Whatever is happening, it is happening well.

Whatever will happen, it will also happen well.

What of yours did you lose?

Why or for what are you crying?

What did you bring with you, for you to lose it?

What did you create, for it to be wasted or destroyed?

Whatever you took, it was taken from here.

Whatever you gave, it was given from here.

Whatever is yours today, will belong to someone else tomorrow.

On another day, it will belong to yet another.

This change is the Law of the Universe.

Faith or Fear – you decide

When faith is there, fear cannot exist. If fear does, faith is in question.

How do you anchor in faith? Go deep within you and experience the true nature of your creation. Experience the fact that you caused nothing. Neither the success in the past or the current reality which may be deemed as a struggle or failure. When you look at each of those realities as mere instruments/opportunities of learning, of growing, of evolving, the labels of success or failure that have stuck to you get peeled off. And when those labels are off, the burden they place on you, too come off.

In this new liberated present, faith blossoms.

How are you paying your rent to the Universe?

Someone who I got to know recently wrote to me about the concept of paying our dues, as a rent, to the Universe – for having been created human and for enjoying the abundance that is available to us. The idea of paying back to the Universe appeals to me greatly.

If we pause to look up from the earning-a-living spree that we all find ourselves caught up in, if we step back and away from being obsessed with the imperfections in our lives and if we stop being attached to material things – we will find that there are many opportunities in everyday living that can help us touch another Life, make a difference and contribute to make this world a better place than it is now!

The way to do this is to transform passion into compassion. We are all passionate. About people, about vocations, about events. Passion is very individual and is directed only at someone or something. It is basically a lot of personal, possessive energy. This sense of possessiveness often makes people want to control, dominate and demand. And so, ever so often, passion becomes a selfish, draining pursuit. On the other hand, compassion is not at all about being possessive about someone or something. It is the same energy as passion is but it is about making that energy in you available to everyone. It is like a rain that showers and drenches whoever and whatever it falls upon. Simply, compassion is expansive – a radiation, a glow, while passion is regressive – controlling and possessing.

When we stop obsessing about what isn’t there in our daily lives and employ ourselves selflessly in whatever small way to make a difference, we can transform our passion into compassion. It’s not difficult. What it requires is an effort. The most inspiring example of this transformation is Mother Teresa, whose birthday it is today! And she taught the simplest way to get started on this transformational journey when she said: “If you can’t feed a hundred people, then just feed only one.”

This is a practice my wife and started four years ago and follow till date. We feed one person, randomly – someone who we find on the street – at mealtimes daily. When we do offer the packet of food, we look into the person’s eye and say “Thank You!” Because while the act of service may make us feel warm within, what humbles us and keeps us anchored really is the opportunity to serve. This practice is our own small way of paying our rent to the Universe.

Perhaps you have your own practice too. More power to you if you do. Or if you haven’t started to pay your rent, you may now want to, going forward?

Only YOU can make your Life beautiful!

When Life deals you deadly blows you have two options – either to feel depressed or to simply take it in your stride and move on! The second option may appear to be a difficult one. But when exercised can be truly liberating.

Let me share with you the story of my friend, who’s in his 40s. I met him earlier this week, many years after he had separated from his wife. His wife actually had dealt with him rather unusually – taking over his property, deserting him and migrating to the US with their child. While she may have had her own reasons for her actions, my friend was devastated. He just could not reconcile, for several months, with what had happened. I remember him telling me: “I loved her and still love her a lot. She could have just told me that she wanted to break away from me and I would have walked away without a question. That she chose not to trust me with her decision hurts me more than her leaving me. And why deny me access to my own child?”

Over time, my friend immersed himself in his work. And all of us around him felt he had managed his emotional state pretty well. When I met him a few days ago, I asked him how he was coping. What he told me blew me away completely and my admiration for him has swelled. Here’s how the conversation went.

Me: “So, how are you coping with Life?”

Him: “Life’s beautiful. I married a Kashmiri woman whose husband died of cancer some years ago and adopted her son as my own.”

Me: “That’s wonderful. How old is the boy? And how has he adapted to you?”

Him: “The boy is 12 now. It’s been three years. He calls me ‘daddy’ and we are great friends. My wife and I are also great friends. To tell you the truth, I have a special and beautiful friendship with her. After her husband’s death, her in-laws were not supportive. They harassed her and blamed her for their son’s death (he was diagnosed with cancer within a few months of their marriage). She even contemplated suicide as she could not handle them nor get over her loss. She loved her husband a lot and did not see a meaning in her continuing to live. We have a mutual friend who asked me if I could consider marrying her so that she could get out of the tyrannical clutches of her in-laws. When I met her for the first time, she told me openly that she did not want to ever physically consummate our marriage. Because she still feels the presence of her husband in her Life. So, she told me that our own marriage may not work out. I liked her openness. And her concern for me. I told her we could still marry and be great friends. That’s how it all started and all three of us are very, very, very happy!”

Me: “That’s such a great choice and gesture. I respect you. But don’t you miss something: maybe physical intimacy? Maybe your first wife?”

Him: “Life’s not about sex and physical relationships alone. I still love my first wife. But she’s gone. What’s the point in pining for her or holding a grudge against her? I decided to channelize my love for her and my first child, who’s with her, toward my second wife and her son. Their presence in my Life keeps me anchored and their friendship keeps me going.”

Even as I recall this conversation here, I feel blessed that I learned something from my dear friend.

1.   .  Life’s not only about physical intimacy with a spouse. There’s a special friendship that’s possible if you make the effort. And if nurtured, through sharing, caring and compassion, as in my friend’s case, it can make Life meaningful!
2.     Carrying a grudge against someone, however wrong they may have been or however badly they may have treated you, affects you more than the other person. It makes you unhappy and depressive.

My friend’s story leaves us all with a powerful message – No matter what has happened in your Life, you can still make it beautiful if you want to!

Perfection and Problemlessness ain’t happening!

Being happy does not require ‘perfection’ or a ‘zero-problem status’ as a pre-condition.

In fact, both perfection and ‘problemlessness’ are impractical goals. We will never get a problem-free or perfect Life. So, you can go on postponing happiness as much as you want, in the hope that you will first ‘sort out things’, ‘mourn your losses’ and then ‘be happy’. Only that, when you do finally ‘wake up’, ‘willing’ to be happy, you will find that the years have gone by, you are walking towards your sunset and that there’s very little or no time left __ to live or be happy!

Examine: Are you grieving? Are you mourning a loss? Are you facing a seemingly unrealistic challenge? If yes, ask yourself, how is postponing happiness, going to remove the condition that is causing you grief or replace what you have lost or tide over your challenge? You get the point? So, just chill.

Enjoy the weekend!

Your lifetime is counting down…

I met someone briefly yesterday who is young and who has recently lost her two-and-a-half month old baby. She came across as someone who is stoic and who is learning to cope with her loss. Yet there, naturally, was a tinge of sadness in her eyes. I reflected on the brief conversation I had had with her as I sit down to write this morning. How can you console a mother who has lost a child?

The truth is you can’t. And you mustn’t. Not about this mother and her loss. But also about any loss, any crisis, any tragedy in Life. Life’s realities have to be faced. They can’t be justified or reasoned with.

In this mother’s case, she has to realize__and accept__that death is an integral part of Life. If you are born, you will die. You know this. But it is your expectation that Life last longer. This expectation is the one that causes you grief. The moment you drop that expectation, you will be able to deal with any loss__including death__better. A friend of mine lost his grandson within a few hours of the child’s birth. The child was born in San Jose, California. Everything was normal: the pre-delivery medical reports, the delivery itself and the baby’s condition post-delivery. Apparently the baby had suffered a heart attack as his heart was weaker than that of most infants at birth. So, one minute, my friend wrote to me over mail sharing his joy at being elevated to grandfather status. And within a few hours he wrote to inform that they had lost their grandchild. A line he wrote in his mail is worth reflecting over: “We are all still coming to terms with this. But I guess each of us has a role to fulfil in creation. Our little fellow’s was to remind us that, at the end of the day, Life is fleeting and fragile. He taught us, through his brief stay with us, to celebrate each moment of it and not to ever waste it!”

To be sure, we lose a bit of our lifetime every single day – 24 hours daily to be precise. None of us knows when we will have to depart. But know for sure that you__and I__have to depart. Someday. Our expiry dates are already set. Except, unlike in all the products that we consume, that date is not visible to us. So, here’s the choice we have to make: we can live our lives pining for all that we have lost or we can live celebrating what we still have left with us – even as our clocks keep counting down to our own ends.

Be alive in each moment in Life

Merely breathing is not being alive. Being alive is when you are in the thick and swirl of Life and are enjoying each moment! Being alive is when you are living each moment as if it were your last!

In the movie Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara (2011, Zoya Akhtar), there a beautiful poem by lyricist Javed Akhtar (rendered by Farhan Akhtar), that talks about what it means to ‘Be Alive’! I am sharing here the original Hindi version (in English script!) and the English translation – courtesy indicine.com.

Hindi Version:

Dilon me tum apni betabiyan leke chal rahe ho,to zinda ho tum

Nazar me khwaabon ki bijliyan leke chal rahe ho,to zinda ho tum

Hwa ke jhokon ke jaise aazad rehno sekho

Tum ek dariya ke jaise lehron mein behna sekho

Hr ek lamhe se tum milo khole apni baahein

Hr ek pal ek nya sama dekhe nigahein

Jo apni ankhon mein hairanian leke chal rahe ho,to zinda ho tum

Dilon mein tum apni betabian leke chal rahe ho,to zinda ho tum

English Translation

If you have eagerness in your heart, it means you are alive,

If your eyes are filled with dreams, it means you are alive

Learn to be free like the wind, (copyright indicine.com)

Learn to flow freely like the river,

Embrace every moment with open arms,

See a new horizon every time with your eyes,

If you carry surprise in your eyes, it means you are alive,

If you have eagerness in your heart, it means you are alive…

To be sure, you can be alive to the moment even when you are in enormous pain, as long as you are not grieving! Grief is a killer. Just as guilt, anger, worry or hatred are! When you welcome each moment, no matter what it brings with it, with open arms and are willing to accept it for what it is, you are alive!

Wishing you a wonderful and ALIVE day today!

Enjoy the original poem rendered by Farhan Akhtar here…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t1RTdsfGZrM

Drop Anchor – Move to your Center

When Life becomes unbearable to live, what do you do? What do you do when whatever’s happening to you defies logic and reason and seems totally unresolvable? Clearly, giving up on Life__and taking your Life, committing suicide__is not an option. Facing Life and continuing to live it fully, without expecting it to be any different from what it is, is the only option, and an intelligent, responsible response.  

Whenever you are in tremendous pain and are suffering from it, examine what’s causing you the suffering. Make a serious, conscious effort to understand what about your current situation makes you grieve. When you do this, you will discover that what’s causing you pain is beyond your control and is not really the cause of your suffering. You are grieving because you expect the pain causing factor to have not been there in the first place. So, to rid yourself of any suffering, or grief, you have to fundamentally rid yourself of all expectations. Here’s an irrefutable truth about Life – expectations bring agony! Expunge expectations and you will never suffer with or over anything in Life!

Expectations arise when you live at the periphery of Life. When you are attached to material things – money, fame, property or even to relationships. Attachment to anything perishable, impermanent or transient is bound to bring you grief. Isn’t it simple, plain logic? Isn’t it common sense? Think about it. If you know something is going to be short-lived, and is going to be eventually taken away from you, why not enjoy it as long as it lasts and why not be prepared to let it go when it’s time in your Life is over? Why have the expectation that it must continue to be with you forever? And why, through such irrational expectation, invite grief in your Life? Asking yourself these simple questions, and, through answering them, understanding Life better, can have a profound impact on you. It can take you to your center, to your inner core. Where you will find the strength, the courage, to live your Life peacefully despite whatever’s happening with it on the surface. The ocean is a good metaphor. When you stand at the periphery, among the waves, you witness the turmoil on the ocean’s surface. Wave after wave, comes crashing angrily on the shore. There’s a lot of restless energy at the surface level. But if you go to the ocean’s depths, lower, closer to its center, you will find a beautiful calm. It will be hard to imagine it is the same angry ocean, which is now serene and unmoved despite all the frantic action on its surface. Similarly, for us humans too, there’s a choice to go to our center.

Meditation is the only way to reach your center. And there is no one way to meditate. Don’t get carried away by populist prescriptions that you need to silence the environment to meditate or that you need to ‘go somewhere’ to meditate. Create your own way to meditate – one that makes you forget everyone and everything in the world and unites you with an ‘indescribable, invisible, yet imminently realizable energy’. It could be through whatever gives you joy – dance, music, writing, painting, gardening, cooking, housekeeping, walking, watching a sunrise or sunset, or simply being silent! Don’t force the way on you. Don’t insist that you put a framework to it. Do it once. If you love doing it, and you find losing yourself in it, keep doing it daily. Over time, you will be drawn to doing it effortlessly. And through this experience of losing yourself to what you love doing, you will train your mind to act not on the surface, the periphery, but to stay anchored deep, at your center!

When we drop anchor at the center we will find all that we are yearning and searching for – inner peace, bliss and the reason to carry on living!

Don’t whitewash Life – See and live (with) the Truth

If you give grief too much space in your Life you are ruining yourself. When things go wrong, there will be grief. But break-free from it after initially comforting yourself in its deceptive bosom. Indeed Grief is comforting – because it feeds your ego. It puts you in the spotlight, at the center of your Universe. But this comfort is at first debilitating and, when there’s too much of it, is fatal. When grief consumes you, it will make you invalid and incapable of enjoying Life, of living fully!

I met someone who is struggling, after a lot of inner turmoil, debate and dialogue, to accept that his 20-year-old marriage is over. He reports that his wife has been seeing someone else for over 10 years now. He also confessed that there was really no compatibility between the two of them from the beginning – they never agreed on anything and found themselves fighting every single day!

“So, what’s the problem? Are you not clear this is not working out? Why are you not moving on?” I asked.

“I am hurting. I am not sure I know why this is happening to me. I am not sure I deserve this,” he replied, fighting his tears.

This friend has been carrying a lot of guilt and grief in him for so many years. Despite the fact that his marriage appears to have been over more than a decade ago, he still refuses to accept it. He’s still asking, in vain, “Why? Why me?”

There’s no point asking “Why” in Life. The whole experience of this lifetime that each of is going through is mysterious, is often bizarre. So, when you ask yourself questions that have no answers you are kidding yourself. And in the hope that you will find some answers, you go on searching. You go on stumbling through Life. You go on grieving. What is, is the only truth in Life. In my friend’s case the truth is that he and his spouse appear to have stopped ‘relating’ to each other long, long ago. What they are presiding over is the corpse of their relationship – their dead marriage! They more he sits around with it, the more grief he will be in. And the more he grieves, the less fully he will live.

This is so true of many of the other situations in Life – wherever we try to analyze Life and find reasons and answers. When people do try to offer us answers, with reasons and justifications, they are only consoling us. But consolations are of no use because they always deal with a “dead” past. Consolations are only an attempt to whitewash Life. Instead if we simply accepted Life for what it is__as it is, as THE Truth__and moved on – we would surely live fuller, richer, happier lives!

A lesson in staying grounded – from a Super Star

An anecdote I heard at the opening Talk of the Madras Week celebrations on Sunday was both heart-warming and a great lesson in humility. The Talk, “Chennai (Madras) and Rajnikanth”, was delivered by the famous actor and film historian Mohan Raman. It was a wonderfully presented story of the Life and times of the legend divided interestingly by Raman into eight parts: Rajni’s youth, his evolution in The K.Balachander (KB) School, his early years as a villain, his ascent to hero-status, his maturity as an actor, his attaining Super Star cult status, his role as a worldly, family man and his spiritual pursuit.

Tales abound in Chennai’s Kollywood of Rajni’s down-to-earth demeanor in public Life. But the one that Raman shared was new, untold and very, very inspiring.

Mohan Raman telling Rajni's story

The story goes that the (then) 8-year-old nephew of Kavithalaya Krishan (a popular actor and key functionary in legendary director KB’s__who ‘launched’ Rajnikanth in Apoorva Raagangal in 1975__Kavithalaya Productions) had come down from Australia and was pestering Krishnan for arranging to meet his (the boy’s) idol Rajni. Rajni had already become a cult figure and though Krishnan had known him well, in Rajni’s early years in Kollywood in the late 70s, he was not sure it would be appropriate to recall those times and get his nephew an audience. But since he worked in KB’s office, Krishnan knew key people in Rajni’s office as well. So, in a few days, an appointment was arranged for the young nephew to meet the Super Star. Krishnan drove the boy and his mother (Krishnan’s sister) to the studio where Rajni was shooting on the appointed day. But Krishnan, not sure if Rajni would recall him, and besides not wanting to impinge on the star’s time, decided to sit out in the car in the parking lot. Only the mother and son went into the studio and the meeting went as planned. The young fan was delirious with delight. Pictures were taken. And, finally, as they were bidding goodbyes, Krishnan’s sister decided to “brag” about her brother’s connection with the film world to Rajni. When Rajni heard that she was was Kavithalaya Krishnan’s sister, he made warm enquiries of his ‘old friend’. Through the conversation that followed Rajni gleaned that Krishnan was waiting in the car. Expressing shock and surprise, Rajni asked his personal assistant to invite Krishnan in and received him warmly – “just the way you would reconnect with a good old friend”.

He asked Krishan: “Why did you not come in with your sister and nephew?”

Krishnan replied matter-of-factly that he didn’t want to ‘disturb’ the star.

Rajni asked: “So, your sister and nephew can disturb me, but you can’t! Isn’t that what you are alluding to?” And he continued: “Krishnan, if you imagine that all this stardom has changed me, you are wrong. I am still the same man you used to help when I entered the industry. How can I forget the innumerable times you have bought me a meal when I was hungry and had no money? How can I forget the milagu rasam that your mother used to serve me at your home? How can I forget the times when KB Sir would be tough on me demanding a ‘perfect’ shot – and how you used to encourage me to keep trying to do better? How can I forget the number of times you have dropped me at my room because I did not have money to commute? Or the times when you have bought me cigarettes when I was out of cash? I am still the same man Krishnan. And if anyone has the right to reach out to me, even unannounced, it is you. My star status has made my Life comfortable, but has not changed who I am!”

Krishnan, reported Raman in his Talk, was left speechless and in tears.

Irish wirter C.S.Lewis (1898~1963) once said: “Humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself, less!” I think the folklore from Rajnikanth’s Life reminds us yet again to not get carried away by the trappings of success, fame and money – all of which are impermanent – in the course of our lifetimes.

Indeed. It is never really about what you are or how much you are worth. What matters is who you are. If you stay grounded, no matter how high you rise, you will have a special place in the hearts of people that continue to remember you – long after you are gone! To be sure, what people will remember you for is how did you lead your Life, how many lives you touched, and, if you at all left this world a better place than you found it – and not necessarily for the millions you made!!

No amount of negative thinking can change your Life

Nothing about your Life is going to change unless it does. Life is what it is. Feeling negative about is not intelligence.

At the same time, don’t expect negative thoughts not to rise. They will. Such is the nature of thoughts. They will always keep swimming in your mind. But you can develop the ability to recognize and rid yourself of negative emotions as they rear their ugly head. This calls for being both aware and honest.

For instance, take self-pity and jealousy. When you compare yourself with others, naturally, you are bound to pine for what you don't have and feel jealous, often subconsciously, of what someone else has. Neither of these emotions is constructive. Self-pity keeps your feet nailed to the ground and jealousy fills you with negativity. Being honest with yourself is a good beginning. Ask yourself: What are you pining for? And who are you jealous of? Continue this train of awareness-based questioning: Is what you are pining for really so critical for your Life? Can you not manage without it? And is feeling jealous of someone going to make you get what you are pining for? These questions can have a eureka effect on your thinking. You will be amazed at your own ability to realize that these emotions are wasted, unproductive and are shackling you. Out of that ruthless honesty will emerge the simple clarity that you are who you are. Unique. And what you have is all that you have. You will awaken to the reality that pining and lusting is not going to make you, or your situation, any different.

Bob Marley, (1945~1981) the famous Jamaican reggae singer, said it so beautifully, “Life is one big road with lots of signs. So, when you are riding through the ruts, don’t complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don’t bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality. Wake Up and Live!”

Be willing to be annihilated by Life so that you can live on!

When you find yourself in a Life-and-Death situation, don’t agonize. Just experience the moment. That moment has a beauty of its own. If you agonize, your suffering will take you away from the present. When you are not in the present, you can’t lead the situation effectively, you can’t think with clarity and you can’t act with focus. Panic may well be a normal reaction in such situations. But if you are present in the moment, your awareness will help you immensely in dealing with it.

But how can anyone be calm in a Life-threatening, crisis situation?

Good question. I recall an Urdu couplet by a unknown poet.

mita de apni hasti ko agar hazaar martaba chahe, ke dana mitti se mil kar hi gule gulzar hota hai!  

It means let go of all your attachment to worldly possessions__including your desire for power and position__and allow yourself to be annihilated – to be razed to the ground. For only when a seed becomes dust, and is buried, does it germinate into a new plant!

Why do you or I resist a crisis in the beginning? Because we fear that something grave will happen to us__or to those who we love. Now if our fears were to indeed become true, what is the worst that can happen? Well someone, perhaps even you, can die. But we all have to die someday – sooner or later. So, let go and accept that eventuality. When you do that, more often than not, death does not come calling. As the poet says, a new beginning often follows. Such is the nature of Life. For something new to begin, the old has to end, it has to perish. Once you understand this truth about Life, you can not only face, but endure and last any situation, however scary, dark and grave it may be, in Life! Be willing to be annihilated therefore! For that’s the only way to live on!!

Walk in Faith to cross the river of Life

In Life’s most excruciatingly painful moments, keep the Faith – fundamentally in yourself. Know and believe that if you have been created (without your asking for it), you will be looked after and cared for.

Swami Ramakrishna Paramahamsa (1836~1886)

Today is Ramakrishna Paramahamsa’s death anniversary. He often used to tell the story of a milkmaid to awaken people to have faith in themselves. Let me share that story with you.

A farmer's daughter’s duty was to carry fresh milk to customers in various villages. One of the customers was a priest. To reach his house, the milkmaid had to cross a stream by a sort of ferry raft, for a small fee.

One day the priest, who performed worship daily by offering fresh milk to God, finding that it arrived very late each day, scolded the milkmaid. “What can I do?” she lamented, “I started out early from my house, but I had to wait a long time for the boatman to come.”

The priest refused to accept her explanation. He barked at her: “What! People have even walked across the ocean by repeating the name of God, and you can't cross this small stream?” The milkmaid took his words very seriously. From then on she brought the priest's order of milk punctually every morning. He became curious about it and asked her how it was that she was never late anymore.

“I cross the river repeating the name of the Lord,” she replied, “just as you told me to do, without waiting for the ferry.” The priest was shocked. He didn't believe her, and asked, “Can you show me this, how you cross the river on foot?” So they went together to the stream and the milkmaid began to walk on water. Looking back, the woman saw that the priest had started to follow her and was floundering in the water.

“Sir!” she cried, “You are uttering the name of God, yet all the while you are holding up your clothes from getting wet. That is not trusting in God!”

Ramakrishna Paramahamsa used to sum up the moral of his story thus: “If you lose Faith you lose everything. Faith in ourselves, Faith in the God within, this is the secret to greatness. If you have Faith in all the three hundred and thirty million gods... but still have no Faith in yourselves, there is no salvation for you!”

I relate totally to that perspective. Most of the time, most of us are like that priest – holding up our clothes from getting wet, while professing faith in all the religions around us and in an external God. And that’s precisely the reason why we often feel depressed, deprived and lost in the face of Life’s challenges. When we learn to walk in Faith, in ourselves, than by sight alone, we will have learned to cross the river of Life – peacefully and joyfully!

On living free

Some people you meet in Life will be cantankerous, scheming and unethical to the core. Let them be. Who they are, and what they do to you, need not__and must not__change the way you deal with them. A common response we, good, ethical, warm and kind folks, have to such people is that we become depressive or angry or vengeful. This only creates more negative energy in us. And that, you will agree, is simply not worth inviting into your Life!

Here’s a Zen story which is awakening.

Two monks were washing their bowls in the river when they noticed a scorpion that was drowning. One monk immediately scooped it up and set it upon the bank. In the process the scorpion stung him. Unmindful, he went back to washing his bowl and again the scorpion fell into the river and began drowning. The monk saved the scorpion one more time and was again stung.

The other monk, who was watching this spectacle, asked him, “Friend, why do you continue to save the scorpion when you know it's nature is to sting?”

“Because,” the first monk replied, “to save it is my nature.”

So, stay true to your nature. And let no one affect it. This does not mean you must suffer in silence. There surely are other means to express yourself than to retaliate in a similar manner as the one who’s causing you pain. When you are filled with anger and act from that impulse, you breed negativity in you. When you are negative, your inner peace gets affected. When your inner peace is disturbed, you are held hostage by debilitating emotions. And that essentially means you are not living free!

Think about it: Do you really want to forsake your freedom because someone acted foolishly?

Let Go = non-reasoning, non-analyzing, non-questioning!

Fighting Life, by resisting whatever is happening to you, is a zero-sum game. Every which way, you stand to lose. But the human mind, led by ego, wants you to believe that you can and must do something in a Life situation. So it will goad you to fight. To resist what’s happening to you. And there, through such resistance, you invite misery unto yourself.

Let’s understand this better. There are only two kinds of problems. One set of problems are those that you can solve – either on your own or through a third party resource, expending money or through other means. The other set of problems are the ones that are, humanly, unsolvable. Only Life has to solve them over time. When you are faced with the second set of problems, the best thing to do is to let go! When you let go, your problem may still be there. But it won’t torment you. It will not cause you any misery. You become miserable only when you attempt doing something that you are incapable of doing. For instance, if a mechanical engineer encounters a water pump problem in his apartment, he may find a solution to fix it over time. But if the same engineer attempts to sing like Mohd.Rafi__especially when he doesn’t have a natural talent for music__he will suffer trying to wonder why is he unsuccessful and why people are laughing at him!

Life’s problems are not a punishment for those who have to face them. Religion has made us believe that our problems are a manifestation of past sins and only when we atone for them will we find relief. This kind of reasoning leads people to feel guilty about a past that they don’t even remember and makes them fear Life. So, some of them, foolishly resort to suicide as a means of giving up on Life. Let’s get this straight – Life has no agenda to victimize either you or me. Human beings do things. Life simply happens. These are the only to realities. When you can’t solve a Life problem by doing something about it, let go and enter the realm of allowing Life to happen to you – in total acceptance and humility! Just let it happen. Let go of your desire to control, to solve, to do.

So, when you find that your doing something about a situation is of no use, simply flow with Life. Float like a piece of wood does on a river. Don’t worry where Life is taking you, why is it taking you wherever it is going, and when will this journey end. This does not mean inaction. The choice of allowing yourself to ‘float’ is significant action in itself! Don’t, however, analyze and form opinions about outcomes and possibilities. Don’t reason what consequences will follow an outcome – if you end up here, this is what will happen or if you end up there, this is what it means. Let Go = non-reasoning, non analyzing, non-questioning! Let Go means living spontaneously!

Living in ‘Let Go’ mode is not difficult. It is intelligent living. Because you are doing the most intelligent thing AFTER trying to apply your intelligence at solving the problem or Life situation. When you live in a ‘Let Go’ you will live with your problem, your Life situation – but you will live in peace, in bliss.

Get comfortable with uncertainty

Someone I know told me recently that his family was “living with a lot of uncertainty” at this time, given the condition of a member of their family who is battling a final stage cancer. The phrase ‘living with uncertainty’ made me pause and reflect. Aren’t we all, all the time, dealing with uncertainty?

The nature of Life itself is uncertain. The moment you are born uncertainty follows you like a shadow. Every living moment has no guarantees. Anything, absolutely anything, can happen. The past few days, the papers in India are running the story of a 50-day old baby in Tamil Nadu going up in flames, on its own, every now and then. Doctors treating the baby, that has severe burn injuries, are divided over the theory that the child is affected by the ‘spontaneous human combustion’ syndrome. Apparently, one historical view is that the baby’s case is the rarest of rare, among the very few that have been reported in the last 200 years, from across the world! Even so, can you imagine a human baby catching fire on its own?

That’s how bizarre and uncertain Life is for you – and, therefore, inscrutable.

If Life is intrinsically uncertain, why is dealing, and living, with uncertainty, so difficult? The problem lies in our “educated and informed” definition and interpretation of Life. A common view, handed down the generations, is that if we have money, many things in Life are predictable with some certainty. So, we have all fallen into “earning-a-living” and feel “comfortable” in the knowledge that money can bail us out in uncertain times. Even so, invariably, at least once in our lifetimes, more as a reminder of its true, inscrutable nature, Life will pose us a challenge that money cannot solve. Like that health (cancer) situation discussed above, or a relationship mess or a reputation loss as in the case of Hyderabad-based techie and former employee of HCL, Siddique Taj Kazi. 40-year-old Siddque, a father of five, lost his job with HCL and was jailed for four months (earlier this year) under charges of abetting ‘terrorism’ in a 10-year-old case of a bomb blast at a bus depot in Ghatkopar, Mumbai, in 2003. On August 2^nd, the Mumbai Crime Branch pleaded with a Court that they found no evidence against Siddque and that they would like to drop charges against him. The Court has since acquitted Siddque. “But what about the loss of his reputation, his job and our peace of mind,” asks his beleaguered family, through their lawyer, Rebecca Gonsalves. Pertinent question. But am not sure they will get an answer – either from the Courts or from Life!  

The best way then to live in peace appears to be to drop the desire to be certain about everything in Life. Clearly, no amount of security that you garner in your favor ever works in the face of Life’s design. Despite all your plans, only what is to happen will happen. Know that when everything is so secure, or seemingly secure per your calculations, you are actually dead. Because death is the ultimate security – it is fixed, there’s no movement. Life, on the other hand, is flowing. And anything in flux has no form. So, welcome and choose to be comfortable with uncertainty. Then, and only then, despite its intrinsic insecurity, will you LIVE – truly, fully, happily!

Happiness comes only from celebrating what “is”

When you learn to focus only on what you have, and not dwell on what you don’t have, you will find yourself soaked in inner peace. This understanding is the simplest way to attaining bliss.

Do this little exercise for yourself on your commute to work today. Make a list of all that you have. Flip the page and make a list of all that you don’t have. Spend a minute reviewing each list. Surely, the first “what you have” list filled you with joy and gratitude. And the second “what you don’t have” list triggered a yearning, an anxiety, a concern for having to still working on making that list a reality. The truth is, because you spend a lot of your time, subconsciously, on the second list, more often than not, the emotions connected with that list magnify, and manifest as anger, depression and/or restlessness. You simply are under the spell of that list – completely oblivious of what you have. Happiness and contentment are possible only when you celebrate what is. Neither happiness nor contentment can ever be experienced over what isn’t there. This is an irrefutable law of Life.

Obviously, goals, aspirations and ambitions, come from the second list. And without those, there can be no progress. So the import here is not to tell you to be less ambitious or aggressive. Please stay doggedly on the path of your ambition – but don’t sacrifice what you have on the altar of your aspirations. Love and keep celebrating what is, even as you pursue what you want! This you can do only when you learn to live in the moment. And you can live in the moment by accepting and wanting what is, than by wishing that what isn’t were actually there.

On the futility of merely wishing, here’s a story that Osho, the Master used to say!

Bryant, an Irishman, was out fishing. And he caught a fish that spoke to him! The fish said that it was actually an elf that could grant Bryant three wishes if he let it live. So, Bryant threw the fish back into the river and rushed home. He shared this piece of good news with his wife and the two of them decided to go to the market in town to look for three things they could “wish” for. The wife decided to open a can of beans so she could make them dinner. The can opener, for whatever reason, was not to be found. And the lady “wished” she had a can opener so she could get done with dinner faster. Bingo! A can opener arrived in her hand. As Bryant looked on, angrily, his wife felt sorry having wasted a “wish” on a stupid can opener. Bryant was vocal: “Why did you wish for such a stupid thing? I wish the can opener was up your ass!” Bingo! Again! Sure enough, that’s where the can opener ended up being. And you can imagine what the couple would have done next – they had to use up the third wish to get the can opener out of where it was!

So, wish, dream, pursue, by all means. But live with and love what is. Remember: being in the moment that “is” always far more valuable, enriching, and productive than trying to wish for something that “isn’t”!

Living free – from Fear

The best way to deal with fear is to understand it. Go to its root. When you get to the bottom of what’s causing you fear, you will be free from it! Important – fear cannot be mastered or conquered. Only understanding it deeply can set you free.

We are all scared of different things – of joblessness, of losing someone we love, of losing money or health, of losing the assets that we have built up, and, of course, of death! Each of those fears connects back to a desire – to be employed, to possess someone, to keep having money, to prevent the biological ageing process, to cling on to what we believe is ours and to not die.

Now examine each of those desires and understand how irrelevant they are in the end. Consider this perspective: Why is it important to be employed? Why is it important to earn money? Do they really matter in the larger scheme of Life when ultimately you have to die leaving behind all your experience, all that you have created or acquired in this lifetime, and all your money?

The truth is also that as long as you fear something you cannot enjoy it. Your job is seeming monotonous because you are insecure in it. You are unable to enjoy the money you have because all the time you fear that you will lose it. You are not enjoying Life because you are consumed by fears of death. The Buddha taught that fear is a manifestation of a subconscious resistance to the impermanent nature of our human existence. When we accept that our entire Life, as we know it, is transient, we will be free from fear.

Here is a Zen story that illustrates this point. A fierce and terrifying band of Samurai was riding through the countryside, creating fear and causing harm wherever they went. As they were approaching one particular town, all the monks in the town's monastery fled, except for the Abbot. When the band of warriors entered the monastery, they found the Abbot sitting calmly, in a perfect, meditative posture. The leader of the Samurai band took out his sword and said, "Don't you know who I am? Don't you know that I'm the sort of person who could run through you with my sword without batting an eye?" The Abbot, a Zen Master himself, responded, "And I, Sir, am the sort of man who could be run through by a sword without batting an eye."

You may like to say that the Abbot displayed a rare courage – fearlessness. But, in reality, he may well have been fearful within. Yet his fear did not surface because he did not mind the outcome of the Samurai’s rage if it came to it! Courage and fearlessness are not the absence of__or denial of the presence of__fear. They come when you develop an intimacy with fear, when you look fear in the eye and face up to it! When you do this, you are actually telling yourself – “What are you afraid of? After all, everything has to be over with one day. So let me let go!”

When you let go, this way, you also let fear go. And you start living – free from fear!