Why hurry towards an appointment with death?

Don't rush through Life. Go easy. Go soulfully.

It is another Monday morning. Perhaps a Manic Monday? Meetings. Deadlines. Delays. Mayhem! To not hurry through Life is a skill. It can be learned just as any other. Just look at ourselves. From the time we wake up, to the time we sleep, we are rushed. The way we read our morning papers, the way we bathe, the way we eat, the way we drive, the way we walk, all of it is gripped by a sense of busy-ness that ultimately will lead us to the same point that everyone will arrive at: death!

Why will you want to hurry towards an appointment with death? Well, that's what we are doing precisely!!

Ask anyone who's rushing why he or she is in a hurry and you will hear them say: "Well, I am saving time!" Saving time? The irony is, at the end of the day, everyone who's rushing always complains that there isn't enough time! Your rushing may help you cover the distance faster but will not enable you to enjoy the scenery. At the end of all the rush, when it is time to depart, you will regret never having lived, never having arrived where you intended to, never having smelled the roses in Life's garden!

Make 10 simple changes to your routine so that you can live and enjoy this experience of living: 

1.Reduce the number of meetings that you have to have in a day: one big or two small ones is all you can take

2. Arrive at the airport with 2 hours to spare before a flight

3. Eat you meals slower than you normally do relishing each morsel

4. Spend 15 additional minutes with your family each day; when you kiss your spouse and children goodbye, look at them just a wee bit longer. 

5. Take an additional few minutes in the bath thinking not of the day's schedules but of how rejuvenating bathing is

6. Read one inspiring passage over 30 minutes daily

7. Read it at least once more before you retire for the day

8. When you see Nature in full bloom__a sunrise, sunset or trees swaying in the breeze or birds chirping__pause, admire, soak in, before you proceed

9. Spend 15 minutes daily on Facebook connecting or chatting with childhood friends

10. Be silent for 20 minutes daily.

Spiritual thinker and my Guru Eknath Easwaran says, "Where hurry prevails, there can be no satisfaction for the doer." So, if you are not happy with the quality of your Life, you now know who is responsible and where to start!

“Faith is the key to live happily!”

‘The Happiness Road’ is a weekly Series on this Blog that appears on Sundays where I share my conversations with people while exploring their idea of happiness!

This Sunday we feature the 73-year-old Ghatam maestro, Padma Bhushan and Grammy winner, Vikku Vinayakram!

Photo by Vaani Anand

Vikku Vinayakram’s home in Triplicane in Chennai houses his study-cum-meditation room on the second floor. The room is sparse for most parts. Huge portraits of the seer of Kanchi, the Paramacharya or Maha Periyava, Sri Chandrasekharendra Saraswati Mahaswami (1894 ~ 1994), in different styles, adorn the walls – from posters to paintings to stained glass works.

In the middle of the room, on a colorful rug, a jamakaalam, sits a Ghatam. It is a souvenir that a ghatam-maker gave Vikku. It has Vikku’s face carved out in the clay. He doesn’t prefer talking about that Ghatam though – “The person who made this was over-enthusiastic. Out of affection for him, I have retained this in my study. I had him make another one with Maha Periyava’s image; that one’s in my Pooja room.”

The Grammy Winning Planet Drum Team
Photo by Vaani Anand

The shelves and cupboard tops, and even some cartons, are full of awards that Vikku has received in his over 60 years as a performing artist. He wants to show Vaani and me his Grammy memento – which he had won in 1991 for playing for American percussionist Mickey Hart’s (who once was part of the band Grateful Dead) Album, Planet Drum; the Award was for the Best World Music Album that year. But Vikku can’t find his Grammy memento among all his other awards. He manages to locate a plaque that all artists who played for Planet Drum have signed on the occasion of winning the Grammy. What Vikku says when his search for the Grammy memento yields no result is deeply spiritual and awakening: “Parava illai! It’s okay! It’s here somewhere. For sure. What is important is that I enjoyed myself playing for Mickey Hart and with the other artists. The process of playing the Ghatam, to me, overrides any recognition that I have got.”

Photo Courtesy: Internet

Now, the man who’s saying this is the world’s best Ghatam player. In fact, he’s credited with putting the humble Ghatam on the world music scene. He’s always played with all-time greats in Carnatic music – Chembai Vaidyanatha Bhagavathar, M.Balamuralikrishna, GNB, Madurai Mani Iyer, Semmangudi Srinivasa Iyer, Ariyakudi Ramanuja Iyengar, Maharajapuram Santhanam and M.S.Subbalakshmi (not a complete or exhaustive list). And he’s played with many Hindustani music stalwarts too – Hariprasad Chaurasia, Zakir Hussain, Shivkumar Sharma and Amjad Ali Khan (not a complete or exhaustive list). More important, he’s among those first artists from India who were bold enough to experiment playing world fusion music despite a very strong, conservative, classical orientation. In the 1970s, Vikku played with English guitarist John McLaughlin’s Shakti alongside Zakir Hussain (Tabla), L.Shankar (Violin) and Ramnad Raghavan (Mridangam).  And then, of course, came Mickey Hart’s Planet Drum – and the Grammy.

But Vikku is untouched by all this glory. As he sips filter coffee from a davara-tumbler, he nods his head furiously when I suggest to him that he must be very, very content with himself – what with a “lifetime in music and an era in greatness behind him”? “No saar. Your question needs review. The Ghatam has been around from the time of the Ramayana and Mahabharata. It is the only instrument that is made from the earth – one of the five elements, one of the pancha bhoothas. Who am I to take credit for making the Ghatam famous or for all this glory that has come on account it? I am most content playing good music with good people for good people to enjoy and energize themselves. I consider myself to be a postman, a messenger, a mere instrument for music to reach people. How can any instrument take credit for the music?” he asks.

Photo Courtesy: Internet

To understand and celebrate Vikku’s humility better, his story must be told in some detail. Born along with his sister, Seethamani, as a fraternal twin, Vikku’s original name was Ramamani. His father, Harihara Sarma, a Mridangam artist and teacher, was advised by soothsayers that only one of the two children would survive; if both had to survive, one of them had to be given away in adoption. Sarma chose to give Ramamani in adoption to his favorite deity – Lord Vinayaka. And so the name Vinayakram came about! Although Sarma lost one of his fingers in an accident, he taught young Vinayakram to play the Ghatam by giving him beat-based instructions orally. Sarma’s only vision was that Vinayakram play the Ghatam so well that the instrument becomes famous across the world. “My grounding comes from my father’s vision. He did not urge me to play well for money or fame. He always taught me that music and the Ghatam are much bigger than me,” reminisces Vikku.

The big break came when a 22-year-old Vinayakram was “accepted” by M.S.Subbalakshmi’s husband T.Sadasivam to accompany them on a US tour in 1964. Owing to the Indo-Pak war that intervened, the trip was postponed; but it eventually happened in 1966. That was the first time any lead artist was willing to allow the Ghatam as an accompaniment on the world stage. That tour gave Vinayakram a feel of what it means to play music to a global audience. It also gave him his nickname, Vikku, which has since stuck on. “My father’s advice that music is divine, that it does not have boundaries and is not limited by styles and languages, resonated with me so much on that trip. Just the experience of performing with MS Amma was so transformational. Ghatam owes its gratitude to MS Amma for giving it global stature,” he says.

Vikku has been very faithful to his father’s advice. He has always chosen music over anything else in Life. In the mid-70s, when he received an invitation from John McLaughlin to perform with Shakti, he was on the verge of accepting a “permanent” job as an All India Radio (AIR) artist. Choosing the AIR job meant a steady income and job security. Going with Shakti meant short-term financial gains but infinite joy! Vikku chose joy! “I learnt the value of inner peace and joy from MS Amma and ‘Veena’ Balachander. Both of them told me, like my father always did, ‘do only what gives you joy’. I simply followed their advice. Today, when I look back, I am glad I did what I did. I would have never been happy with anything but playing my music, my way,” he explains.

Photo Courtesy: The Hindu/Internet

Isn’t Life as a musician, despite all the highs it offers, pretty unpredictable in a practical sense? The income is not consistent. And then there is age – and the question of staying relevant in an ever-changing world. How does Vikku deal with these factors? His one-word answer is ‘faith’. He says you have to have faith that a higher energy will take care of you. To Vikku, that higher energy has always been the Kanchi Maha Periyava. “His grace is immense. It has guided me thus far and I have implicit faith that it will stay with me forever,” he says. He shares an anecdote to amplify this point. Vikku was recently diagnosed with an eye condition that required a neuro-surgery that would necessitate that he cannot play the Ghatam for at least 18 months. Vikku says he just “could not accept the medical advice that I must not play the Ghatam.” “I went into my Pooja room and prayed to Maha Periyava. I left it to him. Then I went for my final, pre-surgery, tests. And the tests came good! I would not need a surgery, the doctor told me. Now, how do you explain this? Everyone is searching for God. I have seen God in human form – and that is Maha Periyava,” he says.

As we get ready to leave, he adds this simple – yet so profound – perspective: “Nambikai – faith – is key to live happily. With faith comes nimmadhi – inner peace. With inner peace comes anandam – happiness. I have always had total nambikai. So even when worry arises or sadness comes, I invoke my faith. Saar…Amma…desires ruin happiness. You can keep on desiring this and that and achieving this and that. As long as you are on this vicious cycle you will always be unhappy. Take Life as it comes, with whatever it brings! Drop your desires and all you will be left with is anandam – brahmanandam. Happiness – total bliss!”

As we stepped on to the street to find transport to take us home, Chennai was getting flooded by a torrential downpour. I wasn’t worried that we were not going to find a way to get back – Chennai’s notorious for public transport failing when it rains heavily! I was thinking of what kind of an evolved man he must be who doesn’t really agonize that he can’t find his Grammy Award memento! To be sure, Vikku lives the philosophy of a desire-less state that he spoke about. And that’s why he’s so simple, grounded, happy and at peace with himself. Undoubtedly, he’s a rockstar in his own right, but one who’s obsessed only with his music, and never with the trappings that rockstardom brings along with it – the Grammy included! 

Where there is acceptance, there is no suffering!

You suffer only because you are resisting what is and are refusing to accept a situation or a person!

Yesterday, I delivered my “Fall Like A Rose Petal” Talk to over 300 employees of Tata Consultancy Services. A young lady manager, who appeared to be going through a lot of emotional distress, wanted to know whether it was possible at all to live “without suffering when people close to you don’t understand you”. She broke down as she asked me this question – she was seeking perspective because I have talked about my poor chemistry with my own mother in my Book.

This was my response: All our suffering comes from our wanting people, things and events to be different from who or what they are. If someone is not understanding you, and is causing you emotional trauma, they are obviously having their own reasons for their opinions. Now, the misunderstanding or absence of understanding occurs only because the opinions between the two of you are divergent. So, accept this fact and move on. You can only repair a situation – or a relationship – if the people connected with it allow you to. You can sit down and talk only with someone who is willing to listen. You can mend fences with someone only if they are willing. You can make new beginnings only when there is willingness from either side. When the other party is not willing, when there is an urge to interpret you than understand you, what is the point in you laboring over the relationship and suffering, expecting that person to behave differently? My advice is always to try and fix any relationship by having honest conversations. The key operative word is ‘honest’ here – be in the face and speak your mind while according the other party complete dignity. If these conversations fail to improve the chemistry between you both, after at least three attempts, accept that this is how things are meant to be between you two people and move on.

Suffering itself is a completely wasted emotion. How can anything – or anyone – be different from what is – from the way they are – by your pining for it or them? Suffering, wondering why people do what they do, is therefore totally, totally avoidable – in fact, as the Buddha says, it is optional!

Later in the evening yesterday, I ended up at a party where a member of my immediate family, who has chosen to not understand me, too was present. We behaved like strangers. No hostility. No avoiding each other. Just complete strangerhood. The party was a nice one – I enjoyed it! And that’s all there is to Life. If you can relate to someone, great! If you can’t relate to someone, great again; accept that there is no relationship and move on. Where there is acceptance, there is no suffering! 

On why do ‘bad’ things happen to ‘good’ folks?

‘Good’, ‘Bad’, ‘Right’, ‘Wrong’ … all these are societal labels. In reality, Life simply boils down to events and choices.

Something happens to you. It is an event. How you react or respond to that event is your choice. Period. When events meet or exceed your expectations, you label them good. If they don’t, you label them bad. If a choice you made delivers the outcome you expect, you call it good. And if it does not, you call it a bad choice! Simple.

Last evening, over some exotic Moroccan Mint tea, someone who had heard of our story and my Book asked me how could a ‘talented’ couple like Vaani and me be put through such a ‘trial’ by Life? This is a question that we are often asked. And I don’t have a very elaborate answer. The one I have is this…

Talent. Trial. Time. These are three things that we always obsess about. We think we are talented so we must be successful. We believe because we are good folks, Life should not try us! And we always want to be having the time of our lives – the way we want it! To be sure, talent and trial have no correlation. Often, we wonder why should we be tried in Life when we are talented, intelligent and ethical? Why should ‘bad’ things happen to ‘good’ folks? We must remember that talent is what we are endowed with; that includes the ability to deal with all kinds of trials and tribulations in Life! Trials are what we are and will be faced with. Both talent and trials are Life's ways of making us who we must eventually be. And time is the eternal healer. Time is the catalyst. Time eventually makes us complete. When it is time to be tried, we will be. And when it is time to be toasted, we will be! So, if we give up the expectation that talented folks must not be tried, and learn to flow with time, we will never agonize in Life! We will be blissful!

Last night, as I caught Yash Chopra’s 1965-classic Waqt (Time) on TV, this iconic song played on aptly. The lead lyrics are aage bhi jaane na tu, pichhe bhi jaane na tu, jo bhi hai, bas yahi ek pal hai…meaning that you don’t know the future, you can’t do anything about the past, all you have is this moment, the now, to live in! So, peel off those labels. Don’t obsess over whether your choices are right or wrong. Just be happy you made one! Just be – live – in the moment. For there is no right or wrong, good or bad. Your Life, at the end the day, is all about choices you make in response to the events that happen to you!

Silence, Self and Surrender

Live in total surrender and you will live happily ever after!

Yesterday, a well-meaning friend suggested that we try a new form of Vaastu that helps release positive energy in a living space. His point: Vaani and I badly need that positive energy to bounce back in our Life and business. While I don’t deny that we need to bounce back in business, we can’t quite relate, anymore, to any of the methods that are on offer. Not that we didn’t try them before. We did. We wore rings and stones on our fingers, we tried foo dogs and laughing Buddhas and fountains and gem trees, we tried “freeing” up the north-east corner of our home and almost every method that’s available in the public domain. To be sure, we still consult astrology and use it like a dashboard. Even so, with due respect to all the sciences that promise “better living”, I can, through my own personal experience, learnt that the only science that works for intelligent living is the science of silence, Self and surrender.

Simply, when you embrace silence, you understand your true nature, your true Self, and through that understanding you learn to let go and surrender to Life.

I have come to realize that this is the best way to live. Don’t protest any situation. Don’t berate yourself. Don’t be angry, guilty, fearful or anxious. Just accept what is, work to your best ability on changing what is if you don’t like it, and surrender to Life’s ways, to its flow. This is a discipline – like a fitness regimen or a diet or a manufacturing process. You learn to perfect it over time. And you start by being silent for a certain period of time daily – usually 20 minutes is a good start for beginners. Slowly increase it to an hour. During your silence period, you remain silent; don’t try to silence the environment, you remain silent! With diligent practice of daily silence periods, you will awaken to this truth that your trying to control your Life is meaningless drama. You will know that whatever is happening to you is beyond your control and is happening in spite of you and never because of you. Then you will realize that total surrender – saranagati as the scriptures teach us – is what intelligent living is all about!  

Surrender does not mean inaction. It only means that you act knowing that the outcome is not in your control. Not in your hands. So you act, to the best of your ability, and leave the outcome to Life – accepting whatever is! Then you are forever soaking in positivity. You are always happy no matter what circumstances you are placed in. You don’t need any crutches – Vaastu, Feng Shui, superstitions, astrology, gemology – to live. To live well, to live happily, you only need to be silent for some time daily, you will then know who you really are and will realize the value of total surrender!

Don’t shoot the messenger – heed the message!

The easiest thing to do is to react to people and what they have to say. If we heed the message, than focus on the messenger, we will surely benefit more.

The forum where Aamir spoke on intolerance in India
Picture Courtesy: Internet

I listened to what actor Aamir Khan had to say about the much debated issue of rising intolerance in India. And I do believe he has spoken as a citizen who is genuinely concerned – much like any of us is. I don’t think anyone must evaluate what Aamir and Kiran are feeling, and what Aamir has shared, as what an Indian Muslim has to say.

What is being said, the message, is clearly more important than who is saying it. This is not about the intolerance debate that rages on in India alone. This is about anything, in any context – the message is always more important than the messenger!

Yet, ever so often “How dare you?” assumes more significance in your head over someone telling you something that you don’t want to hear, than what is being told to you. This “How dare you?” drowns reason and leads to inaction. Simply because your mind – the human mind thinks 60000 thoughts daily – is filled with negativity over who delivered the message to you. When your mind is agitated, obviously, clarity takes a backseat.

To be sure, even Vaani and I have often, in recent times, thought about relocating from India at some time in the future. Of course, we have our bankruptcy to deal with and all our creditors to repay first before we even think of and for ourselves. The reason why we may even consider moving out of India, if at all we do in the future, is pretty much similar to what Kiran and Aamir may have shared among themselves. This beautiful country of ours is becoming more and more intolerant to not just religion but even to individual opinion. The way Aamir and Kiran are being trolled is evidence of this disturbing trend growing. People disagreeing with Aamir is fine - but so much hate, so much anger, this is totally unnecessary and avoidable. The truth is social media has given anyone who has an opinion (all of us have opinions, don’t we?) a pedestal – not just platform – to flaunt it. So people don’t really bother about what they have to say. They just want to be seen saying it – something, anything! This cacophony is harmless if it stayed purely at a noise level. The tragedy is that our government, our politicians and those who peddle religion, seize the opportunity and unfairly play up our diversity, pitting gullible masses against one another. If this trend continues and grows, as it threatens to, it will make India a sad, a very sad, place. But let me clarify that this change in perception and preference in Vaani and me is more recent. Over 20 years ago, I had turned down a job offer from a large American MNC. Simply because the offer involved migrating to the US. Vaani and I then wanted to stay back in India, we wanted to do something for our country, living and working from here.

I am amazed that in two decades we have changed our view. And therein lies the crux of the issue – we are dealing with growing intolerance for individual opinion and sentiment in India. Period. Our constitutional right of freedom of expression stands challenged – and, sadly, in some cases, is stifled or even denied. Unless we recognize and internalize this message – instead of shooting the messenger(s) – we can’t bring about lasting, social change.

Today is Guru Nanak’s (1469 ~ 1539) birthday. If he gave the world one unputdownable message, this is it: “I belong to no caste”. I hope a few of us, who, to begin with, share Nanak’s philosophy and outlook to Life, work to spread the message of harmony and co-existence. Even if we don’t agree with what someone has to say, let us stop reacting and, important, let is stop shooting the messenger(s)!

No matter what, it is still a very kind and compassionate world!

Every once in a while, people will remind you that they care. And that compassion still thrives in this cold, seemingly hostile, inhuman world.

Last evening, Chennai had a non-stop torrential downpour for six hours. This was already a city that was struggling to return to normalcy after last week’s floods – caused by an aggressive North-East monsoon. What’s worse, two things that Chennai and Chennaites don’t know how handle are rain and traffic. So, the whole city choked and crawled taking, on an average, 4 hours to move less than 1 km. This, even as it mercilessly pelted from the skies!

Photo Courtesy: Times Of India/Internet

We had miraculously found ourselves a cab. And had decided to brave – our decision was made much ahead of the rain intensifying – it to attend a bhajan at a friend’s place to celebrate Swami Sathya Sai Baba’s 90^th birthday. This is an annual affair and is a spiritual fellowship that Vaani and I rarely miss. Understandably, we were also stuck in the traffic and rain. As our cab moved a millimeter at a time, we noticed hapless people returning from work, drenched, waiting at bus-stops for buses that probably would never have come last evening. Several people decided to walk, wading through knee-deep, and rising, water. The traffic cops were resilient and were trying to be helpful, despite being soaked under their rain gear, in a literally helpless situation. Everyone was patient though. Not too many people honked with frustration – something that strangely is a practice that we Indians revel in, when we are stuck in traffic snarls.

Between looking out the window, chatting occasionally with Vaani and listening to some great Bollywood numbers on Fever 91.9 FM, that the cabbie was kind enough to play, I was checking Facebook – often aimlessly.

That’s when this status from a young friend Joe popped up. “Right now on the road, I've taken two people into my car. In case any of you have an SUV or any other car capable of wading through knee-deep water in Chennai at this point, now is the time. Go help. ‪#‎helpchennai” I thought this was an awesome and inspiring gesture! It touched me.

It took us over 2 hours to cross a 700m distance to reach our destination. Our friend Kumar, and his father Ram, had made elaborate arrangements for the post-bhajan prasad (actually a full dinner spread including steaming idlis, hot sambar, bissibelebath and curd rice) to be served. Several people who were expected at the bhajan that evening could not make it. But several people, passing by, hearing of hot food being served, trooped in. They were welcomed with opens arm and fed personally by Kumar, Ram and their family. I just marveled at the spirit of service that thrived in the moment.

A lady who had also made it to the bhajan venue in an Ola, could not find one to get back home. We discovered she lived in our neighborhood. We offered to drop her back home. It was actually not a drive on the way back; our cab seemed more like a motorized boat and the roads looked like over-flowing canals. We got back home close to midnight and as we went to bed, Vaani and I were both content that, in our own small way, we had been useful.

As I scroll through my Facebook Page and catch up on FM and newspaper updates, I just see how many, many people have come together, stepping out of their comfort zones, to help those who need some warmth, some care and love. All this leaves me feeling human, feeling good.

This is no appeal. I don’t wish to preach. I just make an observation. No matter what we see on TV or read in the papers (#Paris, #Mali, #intolerance, #Beef, #Muzaffarpur, #awardwapsi and such), it is still a very kind, compassionate world out there. The truth is we too can see its magic and beauty – if only we pause to look up from all our ‘busy-ness’! This observation, I believe, is the best way to amplify Swami’s Life’s message: “Love All, Serve All!”

Go with the flow of Life – resisting it is pointless!

The most evident truth about Life is that it simply goes on! And you and I are like the ‘musafir’ (voyager) in the opening song of Parichay (1972, Gulzar)…we have to just keep walking…‘bas chalte jaana’…!

This is the big message I picked up watching Masaan (2015, Neeraj Ghaywan) the other day. It is the most thought-provoking, poignant film I have seen in a long, long time. It deals with a young lady coming to terms with the death of her boyfriend when the police raids their room in which they are making love. A parallel story deals with a young boy, from a lower caste (his family burns corpses at the riverside crematorium), aspiring to woo, court and marry an upper caste girl. The girl is willing but soon dies in a bus tragedy along with her entire family. The boy struggles initially to reconcile with his loss – he ends up having to cremate her body! But eventually he manages to move on. Both story arcs converge as the film ends, with the young lady meeting the young boy on a boat and together they ride onward…

Set in Benares, Masaan has been winning acclaim on the international film festival circuit. And has earned praise from critics and viewers alike.

Vicky Kaushal as Deepak in 'Masaan'
Picture Courtesy: Internet

To me, however, Masaan portrays the ever-flowing nature of Life. The young lady has to handle her guilt, her grief, over a choice she and her boyfriend made. Her father has to live with the ignominy of her choice. Together they have to face a corrupt cop and raise a ransom amount for the charges against the lady to be dropped. She tries to seek closure by going over to apologize to her boyfriend’s family, but they don’t want her apology; they ask her to get out! In the parallel story, the young boy has his father’s support to quit the corpse-burner tradition and profession. He has his girlfriend’s assurance that she is willing to even run away – should the families disapprove – with him provided he gets himself a job. He’s almost certain of getting that job when she dies. He has to deal with his demons. His depression almost ruins his career prospects and he’s on the verge of being a corpse-burner all his Life. But he realizes that unless he moves on, he will only be trapped ‘where he is’ and remain depressed. A state that will serve no purpose, he reasons. So, with great difficulty, he picks up the threads of his Life and lands himself a job. As both the young lady and the boy move on, they meet each other…

Indeed, there are no pauses in Life. It simply goes on. As long as you are alive, you have to keep walking, you have to keep going with the flow. You may not like whatever is happening to you. But you have to face it, you have to live through it. When you hate whatever is, you will suffer. Here’s the nub: you can’t prevent Life from happening to you. But you have the choice not to resist Life. And nothing, nothing really, is the end of the road, until you are alive, until you die. Period.

I talk from experience. On December 31^st 2007, when I sat with Vaani in our bedroom and surveyed our Life, it seemed impossible to go on. We had just Rs.2000/- left with us in Life. And we had over a million dollars in debt. And no work. Yet, almost 8 years on, we have survived and lasted to tell our story. We still don’t have enough work – not even enough to cover our living expenses – and our debt remains unpaid. But we move on…living each day, working hard, facing our realities – court cases, police complaints, cashlessness at some times and very frustrating material scarcity at others – and believing that all this too shall pass.

There is no other way to live Life. It is what it is. You have to accept what is, keep working on what you want it to be and, in the process, exercise your choice to simply be, well, happy with whatever is. It is when you don’t live Life with this clarity and understanding that Life is miserable. Go on, go with the flow of Life. After all, there’s isn’t any point in refusing to flow it! 

“When you value each breath, you will learn to be happy.”

‘The Happiness Road’ is a weekly Series on this Blog that appears on Sundays where I share my conversations with people while exploring their idea of happiness!

It will be easy to introduce Maneesha Ramakrishnan as “the lady who has seen death at close quarters.” But I prefer referring to her as the one who knows “the true meaning of Life and happiness”!

On 23^rd February 2010, Maneesha was trapped on the 7^th floor of Carlton Towers in Bangalore when the building caught fire. She survived the over-one-hour entrapment, but she had to go through nine surgeries over the next few years to be able to live on and tell her story. She has lost most of her voice, she breathes through a tracheotomy tube implanted in her larynx, and she has no sense of smell.

Before the Carlton Towers fire episode, her Life has not been exactly smooth either. She has had to deal with two relationships – that culminated in marriages which did not last; she has raised her two children, Akarsh and Dhruv, as a single parent. She has had to ‘stumble and struggle’ through various career options to ‘earn a living’. And then the Carlton Towers fire left her physically, financially and emotionally devastated when she was just 40!

Anyone in her position would have lost the will to live. But Maneesha has not just survived and soldiered on, she has learnt to be happy despite her circumstances!

Vaani and I know Maneesha through a common friend. We had invited her to receive a copy of my Book ‘Fall Like A Rose Petal’ when we launched it in Bangalore in August 2014. What she said back then, while receiving my Book, has stayed with us: “Value each breath. It is precious. I know what it means to be unable to breathe. When you value each breath, you will learn to appreciate the gift of this lifetime, and to be happy.”

On The Happiness Road Series this Sunday, I invited Maneesha to share her awakening, inspiring, perspectives on living and happiness! I have retained the Q & A format in which this conversation happened, because I find Maneesha’s thoughts simple and easy-to-hold and, above all, I feel adding on my views to them will mean diluting, or perhaps even adulterating, the essence of what she is saying! The green highlights in each of her answers are intentional – they are the key takeaways or learnings we can borrow from Maneesha’s beautiful, shaken-but-not-stirred Life!

Pictures Courtesy: Maneesha's Personal Album

What does happiness mean to you?

The act of giving myself away before I need to or I am asked to. It is, well, a responsibility!

Has your idea of happiness evolved over the years?

Indeed it has.

As a child, I used to care for my two brothers – we three were born in consecutive years. My first idea of happiness was caring for them, caring for my cousins and making other people happy. My parents were caught up in their own struggles; their focus was not on us children. So, I found great warmth and joy in visiting my grandparents in Kerala for summer vacations. I used to be deliriously happy visiting them.

So, that was my early idea of happiness.

The Carlton Tower fire changed my idea of happiness, and of Life, forever. When I reflect back on how I was trapped in there on that fateful day, I realized that I was exposed to the “deepest form of human suffering – fighting for just a breath of fresh air”! I now know the value of each breath that I am breathing, that each of us is breathing. Ever since, I have been creating a lifetime in moments. And I am addicted to it. This addiction to live fully, moment by moment, to me now is happiness.

You have been through a couple of relationships - were you searching for something through them/in them?

Because I didn’t think my parents focused on me, I grew up becoming a rebel. I desperately wanted to get out of home and so, as soon as I was 18, I married my neighbor, who I was deeply in love with. But, to my horror, I realized that he was alcoholic and had no job. My husband’s mother was very kind to me, she loved me dearly with all her soul, she protected me and treasured me. But she sadly passed on soon after my first son was born. I tried to break away from the marriage but it ended up being messy – my father made things worse by launching a legal battle against my husband. In an effort to resolve the mess, I went back to my husband to try and make a new beginning. But after my second son was born, and when I did not see any point or hope in the relationship, I separated from him.

I carried on with my Life, raising my two boys, supporting them with money that I was earning from tuitions that I was offering to children in our neighborhood. This is when I met a counsellor, whose views on Life and happiness attracted me to him. He loved me deeply. More important, he taught me the value of loving myself. He made me feel special. I moved in with him. Over time, we married. It was a Christian wedding and I dressed in my dream dress. But he was 20 years older to me, and soon, he felt he needed to let me go. But as we separated, he told me, “Thank you for the best years of my Life that you have given me.”

Both these relationships taught me something very important. That Life just keeps on happening to us. We make some decisions based on how we feel about something, about someone, at a given time. When that circumstance, or person, or both change, we must be open to change too. Clinging on to a situation that you don’t want makes you unhappy. Letting go sets you free and allows you to invite happiness in your Life!

How did the Carlton Towers fire change your Life?

I think about the Carlton Towers fire every day.

But not the way I did on 23^rd February 2010, the day when the fire happened. She (yes it’s a “she”:)!) crosses my mind like a spring cardinal that flies past the edge of my eye: startling, luminous, lovely and she’s gone! The event of the fire and the tragedy is something that I’ve come to look at as a significant segment of the journey that I’ve been on in this lifetime. I have learnt from her over a long period of time. It is not about getting over it or healing. No. It’s about learning to live with this transformation. For the experience is transformative, in good ways and bad, a tangle of change that cannot be threaded into the usual narrative spools.

2011: I felt it exhilarating and liberating that I was free from the bondage of Life support systems. Even as I grappled with a loss of vitality, and impairment in physical functionality, I was happier being the way I was. My wind pipe and vocal cords have got constricted because of the amount of smoke I inhaled on that tragic day. Despite repeated surgeries they have refused to get back to normal. So I breathe with the help of a tracheotomy tube inserted in my larynx. When I must speak, I block the tube’s opening and that makes me audible – it restores normal functioning of the vocal cords because we do pause our breathing when we speak.

2012 & 2013: I resolved that I was going to work on myself. I began by moving away from self-pity.  I stopped obsessing over the repeated trials and tribulations in my Life culminating in some way with this gruesome fire and tragedy. I began to nurture my children. This helped me repair and resurrect myself. I started to participate in the movement to bring justice and closure to those nine families whose loved ones did not survive the fire. This gave me a sense of purpose. It was not easy. But it kept me moving in a direction that I was very happy with. I stopped viewing myself as a helpless, hapless victim. I decided to call myself “The Queen of the Carlton Fire”. That change in perspective, in personal perception, opened me to the opportunity that all of us has in embracing abundance thinking. Happiness is really celebrating what you have, celebrating who you are!

2014: I relaunched my career as a “Chef on Hire”. It gave me a physical, practical, financial and blissful anchor. But Bangalore weather can play truant with someone who now as a permanent breathing impairment. After struggling with a couple of winters, I realized I have to stop looking at external reference points and circumstances to change for me to be happy, for me to be at peace. I simply went within and have found complete bliss.

2015: Finally, I am alive again. :) Each day, each moment, I allow myself to just be! I feel all the more entitled to be living Life fully now.

Yes it’s taken five long years to get here! But I am happy I am here!

How has it been raising two boys - for most times as a single parent?

Maneesha with her soulmates Akarsh & Dhruv

Akarsh and Dhruv are my soulmates. They have grown up into young adults despite their entire childhood, their teenage years and young adulthood being ridden with chaos, uncertainty and stress. They have given me reason to love, live, laugh and they have loved me so unconditionally. They have taught me the value of compassion – they doted on me through my several stints in hospital; with Dhruv even refusing to leave my bedside. Ours is a great friendship – I have always been open, sharing with my boys and I am always willing to learn from them. I am so grateful to God that this area of my Life, as a parent, a single parent, has been so blissful, so blessed, so beautiful.

How do you cope with your practical lows - when there isn't enough money for a medical procedure or when you want to do something for your boys? 

We are so blessed. Yes, we have been pushed to edge several times but the Universe has never let us down! It is a very compassionate Universe. People who hardly know us have kept supporting us financially. Whenever I can I have provided what my two boys need. But when I have been unable to, I have always told them openly why I have been unable to give them what they want. This honesty has helped immensely. I have also never allowed the feeling of financial constraint to get to me. If I have not had money to give my maid or a helper at home, I have cooked them a meal. Such acts of serving, has always made me happy; and for them…I guess…they have felt loved and cared for. So, yes, there are practical everyday lows, but you overcome them with love!

How do you manage to walk the tightrope between living happily in the moment and earning a living?

Life is a tightrope walk. But you must not see only the tightrope. You must see how blessed you are to be on it, with all the love and compassion that holds you up there. I remind myself daily that I am “God’s favorite” – that I will never be let down, I will always be looked after. I have accepted the tightrope as an integral part of my Life. When you accept your Life for how it is in the present moment, you can be nothing but happy!

What is the message you would like to give to the world? To the millions out there who don't know they are blessed and instead are taking their blessings for granted and are leading unhappy, miserable lives?

See your Life as a fantastic growth school! Everything that you experience, both good and challenging, has come to you to teach you the lesson that you need to learn for you to evolve as a person. Understand this truth. Keep asking yourself, 'What opportunity does this person or situation represent in terms of your personal growth?’ This is a great source of inner peace. The best way to live Life is to live the authentic Life. Never betray yourself.

Have you ever thought of where you want to go in Life from here?

I want to share with the world this blessing I have, that of a capacity to temporarily put away all the

circumstances that surround me, that hold me hostage in a physical sense, to go within and find inner peace and true happiness. Post the Carlton fire, in 2012, when I was going through intense physical trauma, an epiphany occurred to me. I chose to let my pain be where it was and chose instead to look at the pain and suffering of another. I saw the families of those who were lost in the fire. I saw their grief. I gave them all my love. That was a huge healing process for me. I want people to learn from my experience. I want to share this awareness, this method too, with the whole world.

I visualize myself driving around in a food truck, with lots of balloons, giving away food and home remedies to people who need them the most. Not just to humans but to animals and birds. I believe that in living in the beauty of each moment, fully, with love and compassion, we can be eternally happy!

Why this kolaveri, kolaveri….?

Ambition is fine. But never let it blind you, consume you.

In a reflective conversation with Vaani over coffee this morning, I discussed the pointlessness of trying to overachieve in order to be successful in Life. The papers have been full of news of jazz pianist Madhav Chari’s untimely passing. Here was a man who gave up a PhD in Mathematics at the University of Illinois to make music in Chennai. I never knew him. But to me, his obituary, much like the perfectionist that I believe he was, reads perfect: he followed his bliss and went away, perhaps too soon, having lived a full Life. Osho, the Master, made imminent sense when he said that between a choiceless birth and a certain death, this Life is nothing but drama, often a comedy too. What he meant really was why do we take Life so seriously, why are we trying to acquire, amass and struggle to cling on to material stuff – stuff that we can’t take away with us? I think Madhav Chari’s Life is a good Life to live. Do what you love doing and leave when you must.

Honestly, I was never this way – simple, spiritual or sensitive!

As I confessed to a young journalist the other day, and as I have shared in my Book (‘Fall Like A Rose Petal’; Westland, August 2014), I once had this kolaveri, this murderous rage, brazen, belligerence to earn money, to be successful, to be famous. But over the years, I have slowed down. I realize the value of faith (in oneself, more than in an external reference point) and patience. I understand that it is more important to take in the scenery than only worry about getting to a destination. And, of course, I believe that while you have a right to be ambitious, don’t ever let that ambition possess you to the extent that you can’t enjoy the process of getting what you want.

Ambition is good as long as it nurtures your sense of purpose, gives you a direction to move in and helps set the pace. But ambition must not ruin your sleep. It cannot make you jealous, restless, angry, belligerent and obsessed. Being competitive is fine. But learn to compete with a champion’s attitude – wanting to do better than your last effort. Don’t let the pettiness of winning at the cost of someone else consume you!

Let me clarify that ambition and belligerence need not pertain only to for-profit endeavors. Even if you are leading social change, if you are engaged in a purposeful endeavor to make the world better, don’t let your do-gooder ego drive you nuts. The same principle of following your bliss and moving onward with grace applies here too.

A lifetime that has been lived fully, every moment of it, by touching lives, is far more inspiring and relevant than working overtime, to create an awe-inspiring resume that no one has the time to read, or worse, remember. In the end, you will have two ways to review your Life – with gratitude for a time well-spent here, or with regret for having had this murderous rage, this kolaveri, to overtake, overachieve and win. Make sure, you never have to ask yourself this: “Why this kolaveri, kolaveri…?”

Living with and loving what is, is happiness

Don’t try to control your Life. You can’t. Instead, simply go with the flow!

Someone we know is going through a tough phase in Life. None of what he’s doing or is trying to do is yielding him the results that he is looking for. In fact, for most part, his efforts are not fetching him any results. He’s trying harder each day, fighting frustration and depression, but he’s just not getting what he wants. He asked me what he should be doing.

I said: “Simply, go with the flow!”

But what do you do when you don’t like the direction of the flow? The truth is, you don’t have a choice. Well, when you are unable to proceed in the direction you want to move in, you can either resist Life and suffer. Or you can simply accept – and want – what you get. Wanting what you get is the key to happiness. Truly.

Here’s what I have learnt from Life. Don’t control, don’t resist, don’t grieve when it doesn’t go as per your wishes, your plans. Stay anticipating and welcoming the possibility of an exciting adventure and you will never be unhappy. On the other hand, you will be able to feel and be the bliss in each moment. What is a sudden health diagnosis: a cancer or any other debilitating disease? It is an adventure. What is a job loss? An adventure. What is a broken relationship? It’s an adventure. You call something an adventure when it is an experience that you have not been through before. Almost all the time since you__and I__were born we have been encountering Life at its own terms. One surprise after another. But we see it in a linear fashion. We see our Life go through only these stages: birth to starting school, starting school to finishing school (pre-school to high-school), starting a course to qualifying for that degree, starting a job to starting a family, finishing actively caring for children to retiring from your job, starting retirement to reaching death. So, while are essentially flowing with Life, we think we are in control. Surely, a lot of these stages apply to almost anyone who is capable of reading this post now. But if we look deeper, peeling off layer after layer in each stage, we will notice that there have been so many unforeseen events at each stage of our lives, events that we have been able to overcome them and get to today. So, why this anxiety about Life’s next surprise or adventure? Why the fear of an ‘unknown’ future? Why do you want to control Life and steer it away from adventure to predictability?

Going with the flow does not mean giving up. It only means that you must not think anything’s wrong with you just because your efforts are not fetching any results. When you think you are the problem, you will feel frustrated and depressed. Instead look at the problem – and address it. Do whatever you can and you must in a given situation. If you don’t get the results you wanted, try again. And again. And while you keep trying, go with the flow of Life too. Going with the flow means living with what is. Living with and loving what is, is happiness!