Don’t be a bad student – learn from what people teach you

Each person who comes into your Life is a teacher.

She or he is teaching you through not just what they know, but through their behavior. Some people teach you why you must never trust them. They have taught you this by repeatedly refusing to live up to the trust you placed in them. Eventually, you may have reached a point when you would have said that you can’t trust this person anymore. And yet you would have given this person one more chance. When your trust was betrayed one more time, you move from the can’t-trust to the must-never-trust zone. Please know, there is nothing wrong with you if you come to this conclusion. And there is nothing inhuman about this stance.

To trust humankind and Life is indeed the best way to live. But to have your self-esteem trampled upon__that’s precisely what happens when your trust is betrayed__is foolishness. Remember if that person is a teacher, just as each person in your Life is, then you are being a bad student if you are not learning from your teacher! You don’t have to hate the person though. Just don’t trust. When you don’t trust, there can be no relating, leave alone a relationship. You can still know each other and not be in a relationship. Now, even if this is a parent, sibling, child, or spouse, it is imminently possible to stay this way. Because at the end of the day, the person is simply not worthy of your trust. And the person has taught you, through repeated patterns of behavior, that she or he is not trustworthy.

So, please simplify your Life. If you have been let down repeatedly, know that you have a right to choose not to trust someone anymore. Exercise that right. Live your Life in peace and not in grief. Yet live leaving that person alone. Don’t fight. Don’t provoke. Don’t grieve. Just live and let live! 

Realizations of a “scumbag”

Don’t take what people have to say about you seriously. Better still, don’t take yourself seriously either!  

The other day someone I know called me a scumbag (per an online dictionary that I referred to, it is a noun and means ‘a contemptible or objectionable person’; ‘someone with poor judgment and no class’) in a closed-group message thread. I smiled at the charge. And decided not to respond.

Just three years ago, I had physically prevented this person from drinking and driving. He had then objected to me intruding on his privacy, personal preference (to drink and drive) and judgment (to know what is right for him). I had tried explaining to him that I only had his best interest in mind. But, in the same closed-group message thread, he had cried foul. Back then I was pained that I could not get him to see where I was coming from. I apologized for my behavior. But the matter never got resolved and, in fact, as he continues to see it, the “damage to our relationship is irrevocable”.

But this time, when in another context, this person referred again to the three-year-old episode and called me a scumbag I was unperturbed. I was neither pained. Nor was I keen to avenge his sentiment. And here’s why I chose to be so: after all, this person had a right to his view – if he found what I had done to him contemptible and objectionable, if he had found my judgment poor and for all those reasons, if he perhaps found me lacking in class and not worthy of his association, he definitely was entitled to his opinion. In essence, the best and the only thing I could do was to respect it.

Truly, the lesser importance you give to what others have to say about you, the more peaceful you will be. Developing this attitude need not mean that you must be thick-skinned, brazen and egotistic. It only means that you have learnt to respect an opinion which is divergent from yours, that you have stopped sweating the small stuff and that you realize the value in letting go and moving on!

The reason why we want to avenge people’s uncharitable (per our view, not theirs!) sentiments with a how-dare-you is that we place undue importance on ourselves. A how-dare-you is nothing but your ego erupting and manifesting itself as anger and intolerance – often even as physical violence – towards whoever you are disagreeing with.

Actually, you need not place so much importance on yourself. I have learnt this the hard way – from my own experience. There will be times in Life when people will not be willing to understand you or appreciate what you have to say. In such times, the best response is to not respond, not clarify, certainly not avenge and to simply let go and move on. You can never control what people say or do. You cannot make them understand you if all they want is to interpret what you say. Respect their right to have an opinion even if you disagree with the opinion. Forgive them if you can. If you can’t do either, just remember this: whether you are called a scumbag or a cheat, whether you are called a liar or an opportunist, at the end of the day, you know who you really are. As long as you are true to yourself, and are happy being who you are, don’t sweat over what others have to say! 

Look up from your ‘busyness’ to see the beauty in each moment

Stand, stare, pause, reflect…slow down and soak in Life. Don’t keep running, with no time to stop and smell the roses, as if Life were a race.

Hari and his friend

Yesterday, on our morning walk we saw a milkman feeding a stray cat. We paused and asked him why he was doing that. He beamed a big smile, said hello, introduced himself as Hari, and explained, “I just found her hanging around this neighborhood everyday as I made my deliveries. One day I offered her some milk. And since then we have become good friends. She comes by whenever I am here. I enjoy seeing her and feeding her. Poor thing, all she needs is some care and milk!”

Hari’s random act of kindness is so inspiring. It made me think. How often do we do something like that – which is to pause and care for someone who does not have anything to offer us in return?

Further down our walking route, my wife Vaani, an ardent lover of nature, birds, flowers and, in fact, of Life itself, pointed to a tall tree and its fall colors. I looked up, Indeed the patterns that the morning light was weaving through the leaves uplifted their colors. Vaani, who schooled at Rishi Valley, where her parents were teachers, said J.Krishnamurti (the philosopher who lived between 1895 and 1986; he founded the Rishi Valley School and The Krishnamurti Foundation) taught her, and her sister, “the value of mindfulness and observation”.

It’s been 28 years since I have known Vaani. Initially, I could never understand why she always got so excited when she saw a tree or a bird or a flower. But over the last decade or so, ever since I was forcibly evicted from the rat race – thankfully, mercifully – I have also learned to pause, observe and reflect. I have learnt to appreciate Life better by slowing down. There’s great beauty in each moment, I realize now, provided you look up from your ‘busyness’!  

Besides, beneath all the chaos and grime that hold a big city in a stranglehold, there are still ordinary folks like Hari who teach us how to be compassionate and there are people like Vaani who remind us that it is possible to find beauty in the most unexpected of places.

The greatest wealth in Life is be able to enjoy the gift of this lifetime. In trying harder to run faster to get to a destination you think is your ultimate one, you are missing out on the scenery and the opportunity that each moment is offering you. I am reminded of W.H.Davies’ (1871 ~ 1940) poem Leisure. What he wrote back then is still so, so, relevant: “A poor Life this if, full of care, we have no time to stand and stare.”

The man who knows how to harvest happiness

‘The Happiness Road’ is a weekly Series on this Blog that appears on Sundays where I share my conversations with people while exploring their idea of happiness!

This Sunday I feature eminent geneticist Prof.M.S.Swaminathan, who, at 90, shares with me his little secret to harvesting happiness!

When my meeting with Prof.M.S.Swaminathan ended, the word, ‘blessing’ kept popping up in my head on the ride back home. “What a blessing it is,” I thought, “to meet someone like him”. Not because of what he has achieved – but because of the way he is, despite what he has achieved! Titles like international geneticist, the ‘Father of the Indian Green Revolution’; honours like the Padma Vibhushan; an awe-inspiring work and travel schedule that includes fulfilling invitations from Heads of State of Afghanistan to Bhutan to Japan to Sri Lanka; all this, at 90, to Swaminathan, is “just a part of this journey called Life”!

Prof.M.S.Swaminathan
Picture by Vaani Anand

He leans forward, with eyes lighting up, when he says, “You have an unusual question – ‘what makes you happy’?” “Happiness is a state of mind. I think Bhutan has got it right when they talk of Gross National Happiness (GNH). They asked me for suggestions on GNH. And I told them that it is more than just economics. It is what people feel through the influences of culture, music, spirituality, morality, work, work ethic…relationships…all of these. Happiness is an attitude.”

In Swaminathan’s presence you can’t but help wonder how he is so much at peace with himself and with the world around him. Swaminathan considers himself very fortunate that he always got the right support to be who he wanted to be. “Although I lost my father when I was only 11, my family has helped me go do what I loved doing. First it was my uncle, then it was my wife Mina and my three daughters. I believe your family plays a big role in your happiness,” he explains. Adding, “And of course, I had the opportunity to be led and surrounded by people who gave me the freedom to express myself through my work. I have been very, very fortunate to have achieved all that I set out to achieve.” Swaminathan recounts an incident from 1961 when he received the Shanti Swarup Bhatnagar Award from the then Prime Minister Jawaharlal Nehru. One week later, Nehru invited him to his office and asked him, “Young man, I remember giving you a prestigious award last week. Tell me, what did you do to deserve it?” When Swaminathan explained his research focus, Nehru thumped his back and asked him to forge ahead. “Whether it was Nehru or later Indira Gandhi or C.V.Raman or C.Subramaniam, everyone I looked up to has only been supportive,” informs Swaminathan.

Quoting French philosopher Marquis de Condorcet, Swaminathan says, “Population will stabilize itself if children are born for happiness – not by chance, but by choice.” The World Happiness Report 2015 ranks India at 117^th position among 158 countries surveyed. Swaminathan refers to this report and believes we need a reorientation of our value systems to shift the focus from material wealth to happiness arising from the joy of sharing and caring. His modest office in Taramani is lined with dozens of awards – from across the world. In fact, there’s no more shelf-space to hold the next one when it arrives! Each of these awards has been accompanied by a cash prize in celebration of Swaminathan’s scientific genius. But he’s given it all away to further research at the M S Swaminathan Research Foundation. “I believe in Gandhi’s philosophy of trusteeship – I don’t need to own anything more than what I need. My work is not my own. So many people, so many efforts, I have no right to take any of what I got for myself,” he says.

Swaminathan says he’s enjoyed every moment of the ‘60 years of adventure’ he’s had with agricultural research. Along the way, watching his daughters grow up and settle down, seeing his wife find joy in whatever she chose to do, reading Aurobindo and Ramana Maharishi – all these, he feels, make him happy. “And, of course, listening to T.M.Krishna live is such a delight – he always elevates you to a new high, takes you to a new horizon,” exults Swaminathan.

I believe Swaminathan has not just led the Indian Green Revolution, but along the way, he’s learned to harvest happiness too! That’s what makes his Life so meaningful. As we are winding down our hour-long conversation, I ask him if he’s thought of how he may be remembered. He laughs. “There are 6 billion people in the world. 100,000 may know me at present. I am not sure anyone will want to remember me. My work too may become obsolete as newer research arrives. My family may remember me for a few more years perhaps. But it doesn’t matter. The whole world thrives on receding memory!”

Humility and divinity truly converge in Prof. Swaminathan. Maybe that’s why he’s so happy, so peaceful – and so successful? 

A lesson in “seva” from the Swamiji I never met

If you can inspire even one person in this lifetime to serve and be caring, you can claim to have lived a productive and useful Life. And Swami Dayananda, who passed on earlier this week, touched and inspired so, so many people.

Swami Dayananda (1930 ~ 2015)

I have never met Swami Dayananda. My parents-in-law Venks and Padma were both long-time followers of Swamiji. Their children, including my wife Vaani, too knew Swamiji pretty closely. In the 14 years that Venks stayed with me and Vaani, after Padma’s passing in 2001, he would diligently make an annual contribution to Swamiji’s Arsha Vidya Gurukulam in Anaikatti near Coimbatore. I knew this because Venks depended on me to ensure that his contribution, via a postal money order, reached Anaikatti. As my spiritual evolution progressed, Venks and I would often have long conversations and he would share anecdotes of what he had learned from meeting Swamiji or from attending his discourses. So, in several ways, Swamiji’s teachings found their way to me. But I never got the opportunity to meet him – the one time in recent years when he visited Chennai, much before his health began to fail, I was traveling.

But Swamiji touched my Life, and my precious family’s, in the most profound, yet in the most inscrutable, of ways.

Seeing my daily blog posts, three years ago, one of my friends on Facebook, a lady who I had never met back then, reached out to me. She is related to someone we know. And because she liked reading my blogs, I had added her as a friend. The post that had prompted this lady to reach out to me dealt with an episode during our grave, ongoing financial crisis, our bankruptcy. In that post I had talked about how I was learning to be calm in the eye of the storm. A criminal complaint had been filed against me for cheating and I was likely to be arrested. We had no money to run the family. So, there seemed no way out but to go with the flow. Seeking bail or remedial legal measures were out of the question – given that everything cost money! Besides, this complaint had been filed against me in a different Indian state – where we knew and had no one. I had written about how it is important to let go, especially when you don’t know what to do.

The lady, who lives in the US with her family, pinged me on Facebook Messenger and asked me if she and her husband could speak to me and Vaani. I thought she wanted to discuss the learnings from on my blog post – there are many people who reach out to me seeking and sharing additional perspectives; so, I agreed. Over the call, the lady’s husband asked me if I would mind if they wired us some money. I was flabbergasted. We had just a couple of thousand rupees on hand at that time; Vaani and I were in fact wondering how we were going to get groceries and keep the kitchen going, when this generous, completely unexpected, offer came our way. I thanked the gentleman profusely. In fact, I broke down as I expressed our gratitude, while accepting his offer.

But I soon gathered myself to ask him, “Why, why Sir would you want to help someone who you don’t even know personally? After all, Vaani and I are just rank strangers, you know us only through someone we mutually know. Also, I can’t really say when I can commit to repaying you.”

“No, no, don’t even talk about repayment. Please don’t embarrass us,” protested the gentleman, saying, “We are followers of Swami Dayananda. We are doing this because he has taught us and inspired us to practice seva – the art of serving others with no expectation of any returns. You are good folks going through a rough patch. We are happy we can be of some help.”

That money which came in from this couple lasted us a few weeks. It helped me and Vaani brave the onslaught on the criminal complaint front, because the home front was taken care of with this inflow.

Yes, all spiritual teachers share what they have learnt with their followers. Often they distill the essence of the scriptures, which they have mastered, in their teachings. But very few teachers will have the ability to inspire people to imbibe and practice the spirit of service. Swamiji, I understand now, did that not once or twice, but all his Life. And he managed to do that to a lot, lot many people.

From that couple who selflessly touched our Life, we have learnt to carry forward this spirit of seva, service. Someday, we hope we too can be angels in disguise to someone, just the way this couple has been to us. When that day comes, hopefully soon, we will look up at the sky and thank Swamiji, yet again, for teaching us that the true meaning of Life is ‘seva’!

Tell Life: “Aan De – Bring it on!”

The best way to deal with Life is to have the “bring-it-on-I-guess-we-can-handle-this” attitude!

Sometimes, Life can be very unsettling. Just when you have been dealt one blow, a few more punches will be hurled at you. Roll with the punches. There is no other way. If you start asking why, why me or cry foul or scream “hey, gimme me a break!”, you will end up suffering – in addition to having to deal with the pain.

Last evening I was sitting with a friend who knows me and Vaani very well. He was keen to know how things are with us given that our bankruptcy endures and we continue to soldier on. I gave him an update which was really a list of problems, some of them inscrutably complicated and defying any immediate resolution. From the time my friend and I had met last, a few new issues had arrived in our fold. So I said, “I have no complaints. Not anymore. I have learnt to tell Life, ‘bring it on, I guess we can handle it’.” My friend looked at me and said, “Man, things are so tough. Yet you guys make it look so easy!”

I replied, asking, with dead pan seriousness: “Vera Vazhi? Is there any other way to respond to and deal with Life?”

Indeed this is so true – for each of us, in our given Life contexts and situations. You can rave and rant. You can kick and stomp. But Life is not going to get any easier or better just because you are upset with what you have been dealt with. I have come to conclude that the magnitude of the problems you are faced with is directly proportional to Life’s assessment of your ability to face them and endure them. Life is like a gym trainer who is intent on increasing your ability to lift weights on a weekly or monthly basis. Yes, lifting those weights can be tough, painful and impossible at times. But ultimately they build your strength. Once you have endured a quantum of weights you can handle those weights easily. And the more you lift, the better, and stronger, you get.

Your suffering is an outcome of your wishing that your Life is different from what it is. So, instead of simply wishing, tell Life, to use Punjabi slang, “Aan De – Bring it on!” And you will soon realize, like I have, that you can always handle everything that comes your way – no matter how impossible it seems at first! 

An unputdownable lesson in personal leadership: “Focus only on what you can never regain!”

There’s no point in clinging on to what you can always get back. Focus instead on what is most valuable to you and which you can never regain.

Rajeswari: brilliant and simple leadership wisdom

At a workshop we led earlier in the week, a young manager Rajeswari shared an unputdownable lesson in leadership. She said: “Leadership was thrust on me when I was barely 12. I had no idea back then what the world was all about nor did I know that you needed to demonstrate personal leadership to survive out here. I have been raised by my mother who is a single parent. Several traumatic circumstances in my family forced me to take a decision when I was 12 – was I going to spend the rest of my Life fighting over family wealth and property that was legitimately due to me or was I going to spend quality time with my mother? I chose the latter. My reasoning was that money can always be made. I reckoned that my mother and I may not always be there together. It’s been hard clawing my way through and climbing up in Life, but being able to be with my mother has made all the difference. I have no regrets.”

Young Rajeswari’s wisdom is both brilliant and simple. She reminds us to take our lives more seriously. Often times we are subconsciously prioritizing people and things that don’t matter over people (and things) that matter to us. And almost always we put ourselves last. Nothing wrong with being selfless. But being selfless at the cost of your inner peace and happiness is not quite an intelligent thing to do.

Personal leadership is critical to living intelligently. It requires that you understand what is more valuable to you, what gives you happiness and it requires your focusing only on it. Money can always be made. Things can always be bought or replaced. But people and Life’s many “liveable” moments, those that matter, are irreplaceable once they are gone.

Rajeswari had the intuitive common sense to decide in favor of what was really important to her than sweat over what appeared to be important. Perhaps you may want to borrow her principle and try applying it in your own Life. I believe it will definitely be worth the effort, time and opportunity! And then some day, like her, you too will not have any regrets!

Move onward in faith, trusting Life

Take that first step of faith and the path will unfold, taking you where it intends to, taking you where you are destined to be.

Your path to your final destination on this lifetime’s journey is already pre-ordained. Except Life doesn’t come with Google Maps. You can’t say which way the path is going and how soon you can get to where you have to be. All you can do, and do well, is to take each step, starting with the first one, in faith. Faith comes with attendant benefits. It brings prosperity and abundance __ not of all that you want, but of everything you need! This is how Life works. It wants you to be trusting. The more you trust Life, the more it unfolds in its magnificence and splendor.

Yesterday, we met a courageous lady who had an inspiring story. Over 20 years ago, her two-year-old son was diagnosed with a rare heart condition. Her husband and she were a middle-class couple. They did not have the means to go abroad for the treatment. He worked in the Indian Army but was often on duty in the border areas. The lady had to, in a non-Google era, when pediatrics was not so advanced a field in India, work with the Ministry of Defence, with the Ministry of Health and with doctors to both organize the money required for her son’s surgery as well as to understand his medical condition better. Hearing her story, I inferred that she clutched on to the basic principle of Life – faith. I am not talking about faith in an external God – but in yourself, in the fact that since you have been created without you asking to be created, you will be provided for, cared for and given all that you need. In any situation, you have to do what you have to do. Just do it well and leave the rest to Life. And that’s how it all worked out well for the lady and her husband. Their son is a strapping, healthy 23-year-old today!

Well sometimes, what you want, wish for and work toward may just not happen. But you cannot and must not be dismissive of Life just because “it” didn’t work for you. You have to just accept what is and move on.

Life is not to be feared. Nor is it to be rejected or resisted. It is to be trusted and accepted for what it is: for its benevolence and its amazing sense of equal opportunity. How else do you think that a child, who is of the same age as your own, who lives on the streets, is also able to survive and in fact does live on too without anyone to even provide for her or his needs, forget wants? Now, by a sheer quirk of fate your child is not on the streets but is with you. How cool a blessing is that? That, and just that, is a good reason why you must trust Life. And take that first step in faith! 

Refuse to hate whatever or whoever you don’t like

At the core of all our suffering is hatred.

Whenever we hate something or someone, we suffer. Consider this. You are in a relationship. And then you break up. Till the break-up happened, you did not suffer. But now you do because you hate the sight, even thought, of that person for all the reasons you ascribe to the break-up. Or you go to a restaurant and order food, let us say a paneer tikka sizzler. And what you get is a chicken tikka sizzler. You eat a bit of it and want to throw up! You hate the restaurant, the chef, the owner, everyone! You suffer. So to put an end to your sufferings from situations and people, you must stop hating__anyone and anything!

Learn to treat each event dispassionately. Believe that things will and do happen. People will and do behave differently at different times. Such is the nature of Life. By hating people for who they are, over which you have no control, you are hurting yourself. By all means, express yourself. Choose not to put up with nonsense or behavior that you find despicable or even hate. But don’t hate the person. It is indeed possible to not hate a person and yet fight their action. This is what Gandhi taught us. He said, famously, “I do not hate the English. I just don't like the way they rule my country!” The essence of this philosophy is that all Life is equal, that people will do things which you may not subscribe to. In each such situation, bring in understanding and compassion. Pour love into that situation, for your own peace, and so that you don’t suffer, refuse to hate the person causing that situation. And refuse to hate the situation either. Like Gandhi, go down to work on changing the situation.

This is the true strength of your character, of your indomitable will. Doing this, each time you are oppressed, attacked, betrayed, or let down, means you are strong. Doing this, each time you are in a situation that you did not want or expect, means you are strong. Think about it. Do you have it in you? Try it. You will discover that you indeed do have it in you! Remember: Only when you stop hating, do you stop suffering!

You are truly blessed if you have genuine folks in your Life

There’s more to Life than money. If you look around you, the most genuine people are those who truly care for who you are and not what, or how much, you have.

Yesterday we were invited to a Tarot card reading session by one of our friends. At the end of the reading, which was conducted by our friend’s friend – someone who we didn’t know at all – when we asked to be allowed to pay for the professional charges, our friend told us that there wouldn’t be any charges. She said: “Sometimes we are guided to not charge some of our guests by our Masters and guides. Both my friend and I received the same ‘instructions’. So there wouldn’t be any charges. It is the Universe reaching out and blessing you!” Both my wife and I were moved by this gesture of compassion. Our friend, and her friend, need not have been so genuine. But they chose to be who they are. It is people like them who make the world so beautiful and Life worth living and looking forward to.

Vaani and I have found this to be true of all people who are genuine. They are ever so willing to trust you, help you and be there for you – unconditionally and often without you even asking for their support.

I remember one afternoon, three years ago, I was sitting in a café and working on the manuscript of my Book – “Fall Like A Rose Petal – A father’s lessons on how to be happy and content while living without money” (Westland, August 2014). I didn’t have much money on me. Just enough to have a green tea. I had ordered one and was writing feverishly on my laptop. It was well past lunch time. I was hungry but I did not have either the money to order lunch nor did I have money to go home (in an autorickshaw) and come back to resume my writing. Suddenly, a waiter brought me a soup and some carrot cake; when I expressed surprise, he pointed in the direction of another table where a friend was seated (we had smiled and greeted each other from a distance) until a while ago. My friend had apparently paid for my meal before leaving and requested that I be served. I was humbled. I wept as I ate my meal and as I thanked this friend over SMS.

We have found that for each person who does not trust us, or does not believe that we are going through a serious situation, there are several hundreds more – both friends and often times rank strangers – who are willing to help us with their compassion and understanding. We have come to realize that Life is not about what you own or how much you have. Your true wealth, which none can take away from you, is about how many of the people you know are genuine folks. And to have them in your Life is, to quote my Tarot reader friend, a big, big blessing!

Let go and let your child simply be!

An integral part of parenting is having honest conversations with your child.

The internet is agog with the story of Heidi Johnson, alias Estella, a single parent, who wrote a letter to her 13-year-old son Aaron. There is nothing new in this parent-child skirmish – it is played out in every home at some point or the other. Except in Aaron’s case, his mother decided to teach him a lesson on “his choice of wanting to be independent” by threating to charge him for rent, internet and electricity. Estella posted her “offer”, that was contained in a hand-written note to Aaron, on facebook. She was reacting to her son’s statement to her that he was now “earning money” and hence was beyond her “control”. Estella said she was open to this arrangement, and refused to accept being treated like a room-mate and a door-mat, provided, Aaron paid for some of their living expenses. She concluded her note with a beautiful open-to-negotiate sign-off: “If you decide you would rather be MY CHILD again instead of a roommate, we can negotiate terms.”

The letter went viral and has generated over a 100,000 likes and 200,000 shares. There have been people in favor of Estella’s stand and there are those who are both criticizing and critiquing it. The verdict is clearly polarized.

In my opinion, Estella makes a valid point. She says, if you want to behave like an adult, who claims to know everything, then let’s talk business. And I don’t think she’s wrong with this approach. Yes, did Estella have to post her letter on facebook – well, that’s debatable. Even so, she has clarified that she never thought her note, which she had intended only for her family and close friends to see, would ever go viral.

Having honest conversations with your child is an integral part of parenting. It is a responsibility. The way to have these conversations is to be unemotional. And this is where Estella’s communication scores. More often than not, parents communicate asserting emotional authority or with the all-too-predictable I-know-it-all logic. Or they are dismissive of a child’s desire for independence, exploration, adventure or privacy with a how-dare-you attitude. Fundamentally, all parents must recognize that their children are thinking, feeling, independent, individuals. They have a mind of their own. They need not be inclined to live their parents lives – be it by way of values or opinions or outlook or relationships or careers. Yes, it is a parent’s responsibility to inspire and inculcate humane and ethical values in a child. But beyond that the parent cannot expect the child to follow those values to the “T”. Even so, surely, when there is a divergence between what a parent expects and what a child does, the parent has to sit the child down and have a candid chat. But that’s where it must end. If the child still wants to do things her or his way, the parent has to let go. Clinging on to your parental view or fighting the child’s choice is bound to create avoidable friction and often has the potential to turn the child into a rebel.

The only way you – and I – have learnt in Life is from experience. This is the only way your child too will learn. The experiences will vary in context and intensity. But the learnings are often very similar. So, let go and let your child simply be. Be a good parent, have an honest conversation, but beyond that expect nothing. If your child takes your advice, well, pat yourself for a job well done. If your child does not take your advice, and decides to go her or his way, then simply wish your child well. This is the best way to retain your sanity and inner peace. 

Be useful. Make each day of your Life memorable!

Age doesn’t matter. Seriously it doesn’t. What matters is what do you want to do in Life!

John Pontin 

We met an enterprising, energetic, committed and alive 78-year-old last evening. He’s John Pontin, a British millionaire, who ran a design and build company that has been engaged in socially enlightened property development for over half a century now. But what keeps John awake at nights, and awakened, is his monomaniacal focus and commitment to leave our planet a better place. His work is currently focused around a charity he helped launch a few years ago called The Converging World with a seed fund of 2 million British Pounds. One of its objects is to fund and build renewable sources of energy, such as wind turbines, in India. In 2008 The Converging World project installed two large turbines in Tamil Nadu. Since then, and a few smaller turbines later, several million units of electricity have been delivered to the Tamil Nadu State grid. Ask John why is he doing what he’s doing and he says, with a twinkle in his eye, “I am driven by this hunger, this sense of urgency, to make a change. To do something. I can’t wait. What has to be done, has to be done.”

Talking to John his like getting yourself a shot of inspiration. He looks 78. But he’s got the energy of an 18-year-old. “I know I am not getting any younger biologically. But I couldn’t have felt younger or better. I am living the best years of my Life. I am creative, naïve and am getting cheeky. Maybe that’s what’s making me do stuff or get stuff done faster which normally takes a long, long time getting done,” he explains.

John and his team at The Converging World are no doubt doing great service. That they will make significant contributions in the years to come is for sure – that alone is not something that will be counted as John’s legacy. What John is teaching us all is this: Age is a mere number. Be useful. Make every day of your Life memorable and make it count!

I wish all of us snap out of our comfort zones and complaining-sprees. I wish we stopped existing and merely earning a living. I wish we borrowed a leaf from John’s book, rolled up our sleeves and went down to work on making a difference. John reminds us that our time here is ticking away. And that the best gift we can give our children is a better world that’s greener, beautiful and bountiful. Even if we don’t want to be a conservationist or sustainability champion like John, we may just want to be useful to the human race instead of putting up our feet and gloating over how successful our material lives and careers have been. Hearing John speak last evening, I was certain about one more thing – there is no better time to get started on living and serving than now.

Peel off and junk this label called “failure” – to hell with it!

You fail at something only when you can’t – or refuse to – face the reality. Not when you try, fall and don’t achieve the outcome you planned for.

I read an interesting interview with American researcher, story teller and author, Brene Brown, in a recent issue of TIME. Her most recent book Rising Strong has just been released and deals with the subject of failure. Brown tells Belinda Luscombe of TIME, “We are handling failure with a lot of lip service. When failure doesn’t hurt, it’s not failure. He or she who is most capable of being uncomfortable rises the fastest…Shame needs three things to grow: secrecy, silence and judgment.”

I can relate to every word of what Brown is saying. I come from the view that nobody fails at anything just because the outcomes are not what society expects or what you want. Failure and success are but social labels. They come from judgment. Now, why judge anyone for any reason in the first place? So, when Brown says that one’s capacity to deal with being uncomfortable contributes to rising strong, she’s right! What does being uncomfortable mean? It means you don’t like what you are seeing. It means you are honest to yourself and are seeing the reality as it is. You are not in denial. When you accept a situation, you can handle it much, much better than when you don’t accept it. It’s as simple as that.

A friend of ours is separating from her husband. Now two people, mature adults, are concluding that they can’t be together anymore. Where is the need for failure as a label to come in here? But it does. The families of both people are labeling the marriage as a failure. And they don’t like our friend talking openly about it. They are trying to cover-up the separation as something that is bad, as if something grave has happened. But our friend is very clear. She says, “Listen, it is not working out. I didn’t sign up for this to be unhappy. I am very unhappy in his presence. I am moving on.” This ability to face the reality, to accept an uncomfortable truth that it’s all over (in the context of our friend’s marriage) – this is what determines how strongly you rise from a setback. Earlier this week, actors Konkona Sen Sharma and Ranvir Shorey too handled their separation – or their ‘failed’ marriage per a social definition – admirably. Here’s what Konkona tweeted: “Ranvir and I have mutually decided to separate, but continue to be friends and co-parent our son. Will appreciate your support. Thank you!”

We must all realize that things just happen in Life. We don’t always get what we want. To feel shameful of a situation is never going to help change it. Shame breeds guilt over what you may have done. Covering up an outcome that you don’t like to accept doesn’t help either. It is only going to accentuate your stress. And please don’t judge yourself. We all try. And we often don’t get what we set out to achieve. The logical next step is to try again – and try differently. It is not to sit and brood over what has happened.

I would go a step further than Brown and say there is nothing called failure. Or success. Both are subjective and are defined by a society that judges people far too quickly without ever having been in their shoes. I think you fail at something only when you refuse to face it. When you face a situation, when you see and accept reality, your desire to change that reality spurs you into action. Only through action can there be change, progress – and inner peace!

Flush yourself from time to time – just let it go

Keeping your emotions bottled up is the surest way to suffer. Sometimes, you must let it all go!

All our experiences are emotional. Long after the experiences are over the emotions still remain in us. Often times, we keep those emotions bottled up within us. We believe that being strong through a difficult, challenging, phase means we must bury our emotions; we must not cry, we must not express how we are feeling. This belief can sometimes be ruinous. This is what leads to people slipping into depression or causes them to be unhappy or even, in some extreme cases, leads to people taking their lives.  

There’s a better way to deal with your emotions. Simply flush yourself from time to time. Flushing here means talk to a friend, or sit alone in a place where you are comfortable – the beach, a park, your room, wherever you feel good being alone – and cry or talk to complete strangers in a bar or on a bus. The key is to express how you are feeling. It is through expressing yourself that you can heal: artists either paint or sing or dance, someone just cooks or immerses in gardening, someone jogs or goes for a long walk and still others just travel – solo! Whatever gives you joy, whatever helps you flush yourself, do it. But please do it.

Most people fear or avoid flushing out because they feel it is wrong to break down, to feel helpless and to show their human, vulnerable, side. This is so untrue. Keeping things bottled up pushes you into a depressive spiral. Now, depression is a deceptive adversary. It makes you believe that being depressed is a nice thing to do, a great place to be in. It makes you strangely feel comfortable. When you are depressed and sad, people are doting over you. They want to help you. You feel important. You don’t have to do anything. You are taken care of, provided for and, in a way, even pampered. But too much of languishing in this comfort zone makes it habitual. Then you are unable to break free from the depression. You start seeking and craving understanding. But how much compassion and understanding can you expect from people who care for you when you don’t want to help yourself? So, over time, the people go away, they lose interest and hope in you and you become alone, feel lonely, and sink deeper in depression. This is why depression eventually kills – first your spirit and then, in some cases, the person itself!

To be sure, being depressed never solved anyone’s problems. Crying over a problem does not solve it either. But what is good about flushing out, venting, crying is that it purges all your negativity. Getting it all out, letting it all go, every once in a while, cleanses you and heals you. Flushing yourself may not take away your source of pain but it definitely reduces your suffering exponentially.

Since you can’t delete, choose not to revisit

You can’t delete any chapter from your Life. At best you can choose not to revisit it!

I was talking to a friend the other day who has a dysfunctional relationship with her mother – quite the way I do. We shared notes on how much our world expects us to brush aside the way we have been treated and pretend as if everything’s been perfect with our lives. Now, here, I am not talking about clinging on to the past and grieving over what has happened or the way things are. I am referring to an expectation that most people have of you – which is, even if you don’t want to engage in the dysfunctional relationship and prefer maintaining a dignified silence and distance, you are expected to be nice and demonstrate socially correct, often politically too, etiquette. Why?

The bigger question is why is it not right to be away from someone who makes you unhappy and in whose presence you just stop being yourself? Why must you grit your teeth and put up with relationships where there is no relating with that someone anymore, where neither party is happy? I believe that if people have not been able to give each other dignity – for whatever reason – they have no business being together. Period. There are really no two ways about it.

In our Tam Bram (Tamizh Brahmins – to boot, I am Palaghattan, additionally, for no apparent reason that I contributed to!) culture, there’s a euphemism for helping people ‘cope with dysfunctional relationships’. It goes like this: “Ellaru aathuleyum nadakarthuthaane!”. It means such dysfunctions exist all around us, in all families, so just learn to adjust, accommodate and go on. To be sure, I see the wisdom in such thinking. It is profound. We must as humans definitely accept the diversity about, in and around us. But what if the person in question, with whom you have no chemistry, continues to give you a hard time? What if each conversation is abrasive, each action is manipulative and you just don’t enjoy meeting this person?

The best way then, from what I have learned from my own experience, is that in everyone’s interest – yours, the other party’s and in the interest of the extended circle of influence – two people who cannot get along well must just stay apart. I have learned also not to carry any grudges. Or hatred. I have forgiven myself. And those that I cannot stand and who have hurt me or betrayed my trust. Even so, I cannot forget what has happened to me through experiences arising from such dysfunctional relationships. I know I can’t delete those chapters from my Life. So I have chosen not to revisit them! Simple.

Are you the Master or are you enslaved?

Is something possessing you? Or are you possessing something?

I saw a lead story in The Economic Times last week saying the iPhone 6S which launches in the US on September 25 will be available in the Indian grey market for Rs.1 Lakh – instantaneously. When I read the story, I could not help but reflect on the way some people look at Life. (Disclosure: I have never owned an iPhone. Ever since the iPhone launched I have been unable to afford one. My current phone is a basic Samsung smartphone that my friend has helped me acquire.) The fact that grey market entrepreneurs in India are seeing a business opportunity here is evidence that there are people who want to have that phone now. But I wonder why people can’t wait for an official India launch – after all isn’t India a big market for all ranges of phones? Perhaps, allowing logistical and regulatory delays, the iPhone 6S may well be available here by year-end. I am not even talking about the monetary price that people are willing to pay, I guess there is a spiritual perspective, a heavier price that people have to pay actually, to consider here – in reality, isn’t the iPhone 6S possessing these people while it only appears that they are rushing to possess the phone?

The iPhone 6S is but a metaphor. All of us are possessed, in fact enslaved, by our thoughts, by things we have bought and by opinions that we have cultivated. In our trying to build an identity for ourselves, what we have started to focus on is what we want to possess; in wanting more of such possessions we are missing the point that the possession has begun to possess us! And what possesses us goes beyond the material realm. I have a friend who believes that the world must go on appreciating his work – he is world-famous and a legend in his field. But he craves for validation and public appreciation – constantly. When he or his work doesn’t get noticed or talked about, he feels miserable. Now, who’s possessing whom – does my friend possess the attention he gets or does the attention that he doesn’t get possess him?

There’s nothing wrong in seeking attention if you can get it or buying what you want if you can afford it. But to become obsessed with what you want will leave you suffering when you don’t get what you want. It’s a simple truth that you miss – if you own something, you are its Master. If something owns you, it is the Master.

How many Masters do you have? Review your Life – from a ruinous habit to your car to an opinion to your thoughts to a parent to a spouse, anything or anyone can be controlling you. Even if you have one thing or person controlling you, you are living enslaved. To be free, you must stop wanting, stop obsessing. You must let go and simply learn to be happy with whatever you get and whatever there is.  

The only way to heal is to share, be open and not worry about being vulnerable!

You are not alone. Everyone has problems. So, stop obsessing over your problems and start living.

Our daughter has enrolled for a Creative Dance Movement Therapy Program. She intends to make a career out of practicing dance movement therapy. We asked her how her Program was coming along. Over some soup and pasta, she explained to us how the Program’s instructor insisted that they employ the therapy techniques on themselves first. She said: “It was a therapeutic, healing experience. As each of my class fellows shared their Life stories, I realized that we are not the only ones facing problems. Everyone is. And the only way to heal yourself is to be open, to share what you feel and to not worry about being vulnerable.”

I am delighted our daughter at 20-something has understood the futility of keeping things bottled up. I learnt this only when I was 35. Sadly, many people still don’t get it.

All our suffering comes from wanting our lives to be different from what it is now. And because it is not always possible to change what is, we spend our lives pretending that everything’s normal. For instance, people carry on with broken marriages because they worry about social approval, people live beyond their means because they want to maintain a public profile, people don’t speak their mind because they want to be nice to their oppressors and people are refusing to forgive themselves for what they have said and done only because they are still clinging on to anger and guilt. Here’s the nub: As long as we live, we will face problems. Some of the problems will cripple us physically, some will drain us emotionally. In either context, we must be willing to let go of past experiences, hurts, insults and opinions, and, in many cases, even people – we must simply move on. Anything and anyone that makes us unhappy must be avoided – like plague, even if it is our own thoughts, or even if it is someone with whom we have a biological connect! The past serves only one purpose: it teaches us lessons from what we have been through. Beyond the lesson, we have must have no attachment to a past event, person or experience.

If you are clinging on to someone or something and are suffering, then open up and share. When you share, you may be vulnerable. But you will also heal. You fear being vulnerable only because you think people will take advantage of you. If they do, that’s a learning too – that you can’t count on such people. Believe me, I have been wearing my Life on my sleeve for over 15 years now. And so far, none has exploited my vulnerability. Because, contrary to what we all think, this is a wonderful world, with beautiful, compassionate people! 

If you can soak in Seetha maami’s wisdom, you are home!

You come with nothing. And you will go with nothing. Then, as Osho, the Master, asks, “Why all this drama in between?”

Kapoor's Bean in Chicago and the Karamay imitation
Photo Courtesy: The Economist

Our son studied at the University of Chicago. We have visited him on a couple of occasions when he used to live in Chicago. One of the many attractions of downtown Chicago is a sculpture in Millennium Park called “Cloud Gate”, nicknamed the Bean, by celebrated India-born British artist, Anish Kapoor. It’s a fun sculpture, though it is a very serious artistic creation too, for tourists because of its brilliant photo-taking opportunity – given its unique reflective properties. We have also been there in front of the Bean and shot our pictures as a family. So, I was rather intrigued to read in a recent issue of The Economist that a city called Karamay in western China was unveiling a sculpture very similar to Kapoor’s Bean later this month. This has apparently left Kapoor fuming.

Kapoor’s reaction surprised me. The Economist reports: ““In China today it is permissible to steal the creativity of others,” he (Kapoor) said, vowing to take his grievance to the highest level and pursue those responsible in court.  Mr.Kapoor expressed hope that the mayor of Chicago, Rahm Emanuel, would join him in his crusade for his copyright. Yet Mr.Emanuel took a very different view of the Karamay version of the Bean. “Imitation is the greatest form of flattery,” he (Emanuel) said (and added), “And if you want to see original artwork…you come to Chicago.””

It’s a pity Kapoor is not getting what Emanuel has to say! I agree with Emanuel on this one. Because I come from the Osho school of thought.

This whole lifetime of ours is spent in acquiring – from a name at birth to qualifications to wealth to patents to relationships to assets – only to give up everything when leaving this planet. So, this way, living in a forever-acquiring-mode, we are completely missing the essence of Life – which is to experience everything that comes to us or happens to us in Life.

To be sure, you must never be serious about what you can never hold on to, what you have to lose any which way and what you can never save for use in another lifetime (as far as each of us experientially knows, there isn’t another lifetime; this is it!). There is no point in being so serious about what you own, what is yours and most of what you want to fight for. Even this lifetime is a gift – you didn’t ask to be born, did you? Your birth, as a (well-ordained, in most cases) human, is your biggest, priceless, gift. (And yet, imagine, so many sweat or sulk over material birthday gifts that money can buy!!!) By fighting silly battles with people and over issues that are inconsequential in the longer term of your definite-to-expire lifetime, you are squandering precious time.

Last evening, our close friend Janaki, coincidentally, shared what her mother-in-law, Seetha, has told her in the context of Life. I believe it is pertinent to quote Seetha here: “I have gone to several cremation grounds over a period of time. What I have found is that nobody has been able to take anything with them. You too look around. If you find anyone being able to take anything with them, do let me know.” Seetha’s wisdom is elementary and, therefore, unputdownable.

I think Kapoor (and his fight over the Bean) is but a metaphor. There’s a Kapoor in each of us. We are often clinging on to people, relationships, ideas, opinions, IPRs, property, money and what not. And through each act of clinging on, and with each avoidable battle we fight, we are suffering. The only way to escape all that suffering is this: soak in Seetha’s philosophy. If you can get it into you, and have it stay there, well, you are home! Enjoy your Sunday, meanwhile, this one isn’t ever gonna come back!

Situations become difficult because honest conversations are not had

Sometimes in Life you may not want to have some conversations.

You may want to run away from them. But don’t.

It is through simple, honest, conversations, however difficult they may be, that you can attempt to resolve tricky situations or at least get things off your chest, leading you to peace. The reason why you want to avoid talking to some people is because you experience them differently. You don’t see them as being open, having integrity or matching up to your standards of thinking. First, know that it is absolutely fine to think the way you are thinking about people. You are normal. Now that you feel better, remember also that people are different the world over. Just as you are entitled to your opinion others are too. And if their opinion does not match yours, so be it. There is nothing tragic about a difference of opinion or perspective. Don’t dramatize the way you feel about it.

Instead of conjuring up a non-existent emotional scenario in your mind, go out there and speak your mind. And if you don’t want to do it upfront, please join if the other party starts a conversation. Don’t react. Just state what you feel. Don’t intellectualize, don’t sermonize. Speak from the heart sincerely, without fearing how you will be interpreted. Give the situation and the person you speak to dignity. Know that you may not be able to generate a resolution but you would have moved in the right direction. You will feel better. And that’s the first and most important step to peace and joy. It is only from your inner joy that you can generate joy in your circle of influence, which includes the person(s) that you are trying to avoid just now.

Conversations are not difficult to have. You make situations difficult by not having honest conversations!