From what you learn from your Life experiences, you can only get better at the art of living

There is no success or failure in Life. There are just experiences and there are the lessons you learn from those experiences.

Yesterday, at a workshop I was leading, a manager asked me: “How do you retain your hunger for success while not getting too desperate with whether you succeed or not?”

That’s a very interesting question.

Success and failure, victory and defeat, win and loss – all these are social labels. In reality, all of us have only choices, to act in a given situation or not to act. When we act and the outcomes match our expectations, we call it success. When the outcomes fall below our expectations we call it failure. But the truth is that our choice of action – or inaction, as the case may be – is far more important than the outcome itself. Which is why the Bhagavad Gita invites us to focus on our efforts, on the action, and to leave the results, the outcomes, to Life.

So, I would simply rephrase the manager’s perspective. I would say that we must exercise our choice of action and learn from the experience that leads to the outcome. It is when you are attached to the outcome that you invite ego and suffering. You turn egoistic when the outcomes match or exceed your expectations. You suffer when they don’t. So why go through this up and down cycle? Why not simply be focused on the action and leave the outcomes to happen in their own way? And whatever is the outcome, the way it is, simply accept it – without qualifying it as good, bad or ugly. At the end of the day, nothing is good, nothing is bad, nothing is won, nothing is lost, no one succeeds, no on fails. Life is just a series of experiences that you learn from you. And through your learning, as long as you are continuously learning – and sometimes unlearning too – you can hope to get better and better, and better and better, and better and better, at the art of living! 

Empty your cup to fill your Life with abundance

Only when you empty yourself of your ego will you understand the essence of intelligent living!

Unknown to us we__you, me, everyone__carry a rather unnecessary sense of self-importance than we normally should or even need. Self-importance is different from self-respect or self-esteem. Self-importance means you think your Life is being controlled by you! The more self-importance you perceive of yourself, the lesser you will be closer to realizing your true Self and the angrier you will be with Life and with people around you!

Theatre Nisha's V.Balakrishnan (in yellow shirt)
with AVIS Viswanathan on "The Bliss Catchers"

I anchor a monthly Event Series called “The Bliss Catchers” which celebrates people who have had the courage to let go of “safe and predictable” careers to go do what they love doing. Earlier this month I was in conversation with one of India’s most talented theatre artistes and directors, Theatre Nisha’s V.Balakrishnan. Bala had given up pursuing his dream to join the Indian Administrative Services (IAS) to join the National School of Drama (NSD). I asked Bala how it was to be coached at the NSD in a craft that has come to define him and his Life over the years. Bala replied, “The teachers at NSD teach you to empty yourself. I went in with the notion that I had the greatest voice and that by throwing it I could be a master of the stage. But the teachers there taught me to first empty myself, they urged me to stop thinking I could master anything, they made me realize that above us all was the stage. And to be worthy of that stage, I learnt, you must empty yourself.”

So beautiful. This concept of emptying yourself is so beautiful. It is downright simple: only when you are empty, when your mind is open and empty, can it receive any fresh inputs. When you are so full of yourself, you can hardly learn anything new. Emptying yourself also means being willing to unlearn so that you can learn – anew!

Several years ago, things were going horribly wrong for me at work. My team was playing truant. People were quitting. They were sharing information with competitors. And there was a whole deal of negative energy flying around. The final nail in the coffin was when one member of my team, an office assistant, filed a police compliant against me for non-payment of a statutory due. It was a particularly ignominious moment. We had, as a Firm, picked up that kid literally from the street. We had supported his education helping him acquire a degree in Commerce and an MBA in Marketing through distant learning programs. I was heart-broken when he did what he did. For one there was no truth in his complaint. Second, he had done that to me!

Over a drink, I shared my grief with a very dear friend, Deepak Pawar, whom I will call Guruji!

“You know how much I have done for this boy,” I lamented. And continued: “I have helped him financially when his mother was in hospital and later when she died. I have bought him clothes every quarter. I have paid for his exam fees and his tuitions. I have enrolled him to a computer training program and helped him become tech savvy. And he still did this to me?”

Guruji smiled back at me calmly and asked, “Are you finished with your tale of woe, AVIS?”

“Are you finding something funny with my plight,” I shot back, quizzically.

“Indeed. I find it funny that you think your team is the problem. To me you are the problem!” said Guruji bluntly.

“What are you saying? I have been a good employer. I have led with care and compassion. I have uplifted the lot of my team. I have provided them with rewards, recognition and opportunity. And you say I am the problem?” I roared.

“Just count the number of times you have used ‘I’ in this conversation AVIS. You are so full of yourself. Empty yourself of the ‘I’ in you. Be humble and you will grow and glow!” said Guruji.

It was as if a ton of bricks had fallen on me. I was devastated. But over several days and weeks of introspection and rumination I understood what Guruji had meant. I realized that is we who come between us and our opportunity to grow spiritually by imagining that Life happens because of us. The entire principle behind Life is that it happens despite us and never because of us. I soon learnt how to empty my cup. But the interesting thing is, when you empty it, the cup doesn’t stay empty. You have to keep on emptying it. It is a continuous process.

Each time someone slights you, each time someone rubs you the wrong way, your mind will tell you “How dare he or she?” Immediately, remember Guruji, remember Bala’s teachers at NDD, and empty your cup. When things are not going according to your plan, and you are getting angry, irritable, disturbed and your inner peace is destroyed, empty your cup. The more you stay empty, the more grace you will receive. Because Life can only fill an empty cup with abundance. How can a cup that is full receive any grace or abundance? 

Dive into Life with complete abandon!

Don’t approach the future with fear.

Many a time, thanks to the blows Life would have dealt you, you may choose to tread warily, cautiously. This innate human nature to be forewarned sometimes evolves into fear. Fear breeds insecurity. And that leads to worry. How can you deal with what’s coming up in your Life when you are not even present – in  the present moment?

A friend who had a terrible experience almost losing his Life to a chronic gastro ailment refuses to experiment with any new cuisine or with anything other than home-cooked food. His entire day is packed with planning what to eat – and importantly, where to eat. Every moment that he is awake he is fearing a relapse of his ailment. He is petrified of dying because of which, I suspect, he has stopped living and instead is merely fearing death – 24 x7.

Life’s inevitable situations are agreeably numbing. They just leave you scarred and socked. But don’t let a past experience prevent you from living what you are endowed with right now or prevent you from approaching what’s coming up, freely. Anchor in faith. I am not talking about faith in an external God. I am saying that you must believe that if you have been created, you will be cared for, provided for and taken care of. Also, know that if you have lived through your worst times, then you are ready for anything. And believe me when I say that what you fear most never happens. And if it is death that you fear, then that’s foolish. Because if you were to die, you would not even know you are dead. Someone else will have to be called in to certify that you are dead!

By letting fear get to you, you are losing Life as it is happening. Going through challenging times IS Life! While planning is important and we should all work towards higher fiscal and physical efficiencies, we must also understand that Life’s Master Plan is above all else. And when Life happens, you better be present. If you are busy planning, fearing or are swamped in the past or worrying about the future, you will miss living. And when you think you are ready to live, it’s already too late for the time to die, to depart has come!

Remember: Life is a bunjee jump; dive into each moment with complete abandon, in a total let go! Every moment of Life is a leap of faith. Either you can let the fear of the unknown cripple you or you can anchor in faith and know also that during the course of your jump, even as you think it’s all over, you will either be given wings to fly or a hand will haul you up! 

Be authentic, be true, to yourself, than wanting to be right all the time.

Being authentic means to do what you must, knowing that, sometimes, even if you have done what you believe is the right thing, you won’t be accepted as having done right.

Life will place you in difficult situations sometimes. In them, you will be always faced with options of doing what is right and what appears to be right. Now, this whole concept of right and wrong is very subjective and relative. Something may be right to some people at sometimes and the same thing will appear to be wrong to the same people at another time. Or something may be right to some people and appear wrong to others.

So, how do you act in such situations? A simple way to act is to not necessarily qualify your action as right or wrong. Because that debate will rage on __ both within you and among people who will have opinions to offer. The important thing is to act. And a simple framework to help you decide if your actions will be useful or not is available. Ask yourself before you act in any difficult situation:

1.     Will my action help all parties concerned?

2.     Am I acting out of care and concern or out of ego?

3.     Am I creating value in the given situation?

It is important you answer yes to all three questions before you proceed. If you answer yes, and you are willing to proceed, you must. It may well be possible that someone else looking at the situation may be answering the questions differently. So, this framework is purely for the individual intending to act in a difficult situation.

Having said that, be sure that any action will always attract attention, critique, criticism and often, unintended, equal and opposite consequences. When you act on something in favor and on behalf of another person, you will be questioned as to why you did it? The argument that it was the right thing to do won’t always work. Because the someone who you tried to help may never be seeing your action as right __ else, she or he may have done it themselves.

So, when you act, be prepared to face the consequences. If you are not, don’t act. Simple.

If as a consequence of your action, while you end up doing good in your view/eyes, you caused anguish to other parties concerned, because they don’t share your sense of perspective, then apologize. Beyond that, I also follow a simple visualization exercise. I seek forgiveness from the person that I feel I have caused pain, through my actions, by visualizing that I am touching her or his feet and giving her or him a hug. The other person may not still see it your way. She or he may not even see the apology as tenable. But at least you feel the power of your intention to have both acted with purposefulness and apologized with humility.

The bottom-line is to be authentic. You can be authentic with action and authentic with inaction, depending on what kind of a person you are. Either way, strive to be authentic, than wanting to be right and be seen as right. I for one know that I can only find peace in being authentic and prefer to have acted__ always acting with the 3-step framework__ learned and apologized, than to not have acted at all.

Don’t expect fair-play in Life – it was never promised

Life never promised to be fair. So, don’t complain. Just go with what is.

Neelam Krishnamoorthy: Picture Courtesy - Internet

Last week a major news story, which had been engaging much of India for 18 years, made headlines yet again. But like most other stories in today’s hyper-reactive, and insensitive, televised media world, it too appears to have died a sad death. This was the story of the Supreme Court “letting off” the two prime accused for the Uphaar cinema fire tragedy (of 1997 in which 59 people had died in New Delhi), famous builders Sushil and Gopal Ansal (who owned the cinema), with a fine of Rs.60 crore, but without a jail term. Neelam Krishnamoorthy, who lost her two young children in the fire, has been spearheading the legal battle on behalf of all the victims’ families for 18 years now. She broke down on hearing the verdict and said: “I am angry and disappointed. I’ve been let down very badly.” She later told NDTV in a late evening show, “I have not been able to go into my kids’ room. I can’t face them. This is just not fair…” She choked as she spoke and buried her face in her hands.

The pain of Neelam and Shekar Krishnamoorthy, and that of the other families who lost their loved ones in the gruesome tragedy, which was caused by the sheer negligence of the owners of the cinema, is palpable. Most people in India believe that the verdict has not been a fair one. Yet, a verdict is a verdict. And that too it is from the highest court in the land. At best, a review petition may be filed – with no guarantees that the verdict will be revisited, let alone revoked.

So, all that anyone affected by such a consequence can do is to accept what is, live with it and move on. This is not just true and valid for a legal situation where there isn’t an opportunity to appeal any higher. This applies to all contexts in Life too. The simple truth is that Life did not and does not promise any fair-play. To expect Life to be fair, therefore, is sure to cause agony. All that Life does is that it keeps on happening. There are no explanations, no justifications, to what happens in Life. All that we can do is take it as it comes. If we fight Life we will suffer. If we accept Life for what it is, we can’t change what happens to us, we can’t ever avoid pain, but we can certainly do away with the suffering.  

Don’t seek a perfect solution – there isn’t one!

No solution is ever going to be the perfect one for any problem. So, don't despair.

Just attempt a solution and stay anchored in faith, humility and patience. Think about it. There is genius embedded in each of us. We know the solution to every problem we are faced with. But we end up applying way too much logic (too much academic education is a handicap here!) to our approach to finding solutions. We debate within ourselves on whether it will work, what if something unseen crops up, how that will affect other constituencies and such. This how we end up diluting our initial enthusiasm to solve the problem with debilitating arguments. Result: we don't pursue attempting the solution.

This is why we are unable to deal with most of our Life situations efficiently – from losing weight to giving up a habit to pursuing a career that we dream of or to ending a relationship that is not working out. The way to end this conundrum is to follow your heart. Apply logic, but don't be swept away by logic along. Allow what you feel about the situation to contribute to your solution. Remember that the imperfection in any solution that you foresee can be overcome with your sense of integrity to make a difference to the situation in front of you. Stay with the action always. Leave the result and outcome to the higher energy that surrounds us all.

What spirituality really means

Spirituality is not religion. In spirituality there is no God.

Spirituality is about ‘knowing’ what’s going on and accepting it, without resistance. There is only an awakening that results in a sustained awareness. There is no blame possible in spirituality__neither on oneself nor on another. In fact, there's none to take the blame. Spirituality is like a mirror: you look into it, you find yourself. Spirituality is about oneness. The oneness that is visible all around us, of which we are a part. If we care to L.I.S.T.E.N. Interestingly, for that we need to be S.I.L.E.N.T. Both words are made up of the same alphabets. When we listen to creation, while being silent, practicing mouna, we will see, feel and experience the oneness. In that experience, you become awake and aware.

Legend has it that Adi Shankara, the revered Indian Saint, on his way to the Kasi Viswanath temple in Benares, came upon an 'untouchable' (given that Shankara was born in a Namboodiri Brahmin family, he was deemed higher in the social echelon) hunter accompanied by four dogs on the banks of the Ganges.

Overzealous disciples of Shankara tried to influence the hunter to make way for the ‘superior’ Saint. The hunter responded with a query that ‘awakened’ Shankara to the truth of our (human) existence: “Do you wish that I move my everlasting ‘atman’ (the Self, the Soul) or this body made of flesh?” While the legend further talks of an ancillary outcome of Shankara composing five of his famous shlokas known as ‘Manisha Panchakam’ based on this experience with the hunter, the bigger take-away for Shankara must have been__or to any of us reading this story__that all Life is equal.

Spirituality is simply the flowering of this awareness from within. Spirituality is at end of the finish line of the seeking race. When you reach that line, you begin a new journey, of living. Up until that moment, you were just there. Now, you are alive, awake and aware. 

A magnificent Monday morning Namaste to all of you!

There’s divinity everywhere, all around us, and in each of us.

To spot the divine in yourself and in all creation around you, you must be willing, not just looking for or seeking it. The willingness here is the ability to know that just as you are unique, so is all of creation. Just as you have dreams, others do too. Just as you have opinions and emotions, others have them too. Willingness here is to accept that all creation is beautiful and special and that you are blessed to be part of this whole Universe. When you see divinity in everything and everyone around you, you see the Master Plan, the Cosmic Design, at work.

In Hindu mythology there are several stories of the different incarnations of God. While this has led to a plethora of Gods being worshipped by Hindus worldwide, the hidden message in the propagation of such myths must not be lost. That each of us is God incarnated as well. And each of us is capable of love, compassion and selfless service like Rama or Budha or Muhammed or Jesus. Awakening to this truth and discovering the divine in us, around us, is what nirvana__a state where we extinguish ignorance of who we are and find ourselves liberated and free__is all about. The Indian greeting 'namaste', interestingly introduced to me and elucidated by my American friend Mark Lewis from Phoenix, Arizona, is not just a mere folding of hands, bowing of the head or a respectful gesture. It means “I honor the place in you in which the entire Universe dwells. I honor the place in you which is of love, of truth, of light, and of peace. When you are in that place in you and I am in that place in me, we are One. The divine in me bows  to the divine in you.” Namaste to all of you! 

Expunge fear with the awareness that the real you will live on

Fear not. Fear cripples. Stand up to fear. When you face your worst fears, they will dissolve, dissipate and disappear.

We all fear several things__different things at different times in Life. As kids, we fear going into a dark room or would prefer closing our eyes tight when the lights went out at bedtime. In our teens we feared exams. And we feared getting caught when we did something natural as part of our adolescent years __ like having our first smoke or having our first crush! As young adults, we feared proposing to someone we loved deeply. As professionals, we fear asking for a raise or role clarity! As we grow older, we fear for the financial and physical security of our families, we fear the cumulative impact of our lifestyle habits on us, we even begin to fear death. All these fears, and their myriad other manifestations, are natural. Fear rears its ugly head only because you are unable to stamp it out with the truth that whatever happens, you, the real you, will live on. What will wither away, and die, is this body. But you will live on. Knowing this truth means not just overcoming the fear of death but knowing yourself – your true Self!

When you know yourself faith replaces fear. The two cannot co-exist. Don't reason with fear. Don't allow 'What If' questions to nag you in your sub-conscious. Swami Vivekananda invites us to divest ourselves of all fear and embrace faith: “This I have seen in Life—those who are overcautious about themselves fall into dangers at every step; those who are afraid of losing honor and respect, get only disgrace; and those who are always afraid of loss, always lose.”

So, expunge fear with awareness that no matter what, the real you will live on. Armed with this awareness, make your decisions and choices in your Life. And see how your Life turns purposeful. 

You and I have a moral responsibility towards the world we live in

Each one of us can and must make a difference.

The world today has become so chaotic and cold __ global warming, terrorism, corruption, scandals, crime. What we need the most, love, hope, faith and trust are at a premium in society today. It is when Life and nature strike back with a vengeance that we pause in shock, just briefly, helpless and humbled. Only to continue to run this rat race yet again, with blinkers on, conveniently forgetting that we have a social, actually moral, responsibility towards the world we live in!

At a personal level we pine, lament, crib about the way things are, even as we wait for someone to lead the way for creating a better world. But we must not wait any longer. Each of us has to make a beginning. Let’s take baby steps. For instance, we can stop using plastic carry bags every time we do our groceries. One plastic bag less for recycling means you have helped Nature avoid 1000 years of biodegradable effort! We can stop watching pirated movies on DVDs or through unauthorized video streaming sites and encourage our kids to do the same. Piracy is nothing short of stealing. Will we encourage our children to steal money? Why then would we allow them to abet the poaching of someone's intellectual property? We can avoid drinking and driving. Children learn most from their parents. Aren’t we teaching them to break law by drinking and driving or by speaking on our cell phones when we are driving?

Each of us has a huge responsibility - to leave the world better than it was when we found it. Making simple resolutions to change the way we live and abiding by them can help this cause immensely. Must we wait any longer? Take your first step to making a difference. Each of our small steps collectively can make a giant leap for humankind!

Fight the good fight, fight the issue, but forgive the person

When people behave irrationally, trampling upon you, it is time for you to practice forgiveness.

There is no point in grieving over others’ behavior. Because you have no control over them. What you can control is how you react. Forgiveness needs to and must be cultivated. This does not mean you give up your stand or stop being firm in a situation. Fight the issue, fight the good fight, be dogged about what you believe is right, including the way you want to be treated, but forgive the person.

The practice of forgiveness involves training your mind using three steps: 1. Give the situation love. Send peaceful thoughts and energy to that person. This may be initially difficult, because the very thought of that person may make you feel angry. But keep at it. Keep saying, “May everything that this person wants to achieve in Life, and with me, be possible and may there always be light, happiness and peace in this person’s Life”. 2. Find ways to communicate to the person what your stand or views on the issue you are fighting over are. Avoid getting even. Stick to the point. Text messaging or sending a simple email are good options for such a purpose. Remember a physical interface can only aggravate and lead to a verbal duel. 3. Work hard on not revisiting that hurt. Immerse yourself in what gives you joy. Music, children, work, nature...whatever; keep reminding your mind that you don’t want to think about the hurt.  The most important reason why you must forgive and move on__irrespective of your stand on the issue__is that you__and I__are created to be happy and not in grief. You may, however, stick to your stand on the issue itself, doing whatever it takes to right the wrong that you believe has been committed.

Gandhi led the way and his Life with this idea of forgiveness. He would always champion this in his practice of ahimsa: “I cannot hate anybody, least of all an Englishman. But I hate the way the English rule our country and will fight their way till the very end.”

Big learning there. Holding on to a resentful episode at a personal level means you are continuing to hurt. This will only chew you up, keep you unhappy and in pain. When you walk away, with forgiveness in your heart, from a hurtful, resentful situation, you are walking tall. And you are walking away happy. Doesn’t that matter the most?

We are all Special Purpose Vehicles

Is there a right way to live?

Each of us is unique. We come from the same source and we complete this Life's journey to go back to the same source. However, while all Life is equal, our lifetimes are cast in different experiential molds. Each of us has a special role to play in our lifetimes and has been created with a Purpose – and for a Purpose. We are all, to borrow a term from the corporate sector, Special Purpose Vehicles!!! It is only till we discover the Purpose of our creation that we struggle with living out our lifetimes. Magically, when our Purpose manifests itself in front of us, the haze clears and the experiments thus far, and the learnings from them, blend to create our own unique way of thinking, living, working and winning.

The flavors of how we want to live may be as unique as each of us is, but the common thread is to serve and to live intelligently__and happily__ever after, whatever may be the circumstance we are placed in. Hazrat Khawaja Moinuddin Hasan Chisty, the 12th century Sufi saint, whose shrine is located in Ajmer, Rajasthan, has said it so beautifully: “Live your life with the magnanimity of a river, with the kindness of the sun and with the humility of the earth.”

 So, if you think you are stuck in a rut or are lamenting that your Life's going nowhere, relax. Wait till your life's Purpose finds you. And then you too will awaken to the Garib Nawaz's (Chisty is popularly known so) way of living a meaningful and happy Life!!

Life lessons from the “Sowcar” of them all - Janaki

You are truly wealthy when you have been enriched by Life’s lessons – when you have gotten better and not bitter with Life’s experiences!  

Sowcar Janaki: Picture Courtesy - Internet

Last evening, as part of the Madras Week celebrations, we had an opportunity to interact with Sowcar Janaki, the South-Indian superstar of the 50s and 60s. Janaki made her debut in 1949 in the Telugu film, opposite N.T.Rama Rao, Shavukar (the title means wealthy person; and its corrupt version in Tamil is Sowcar) – the film was a big hit, it was remade in Tamil, and she has since been known as Sowcar Janaki!

Janaki, at 84 (she will be 85 this December; she shares her birthday with Rajnikant – December 12), oozes charm, is full of energy and is, simply, alive to the moment. Her career spans 67 years and she’s still active – she’s currently shooting for a Telugu film in Hyderabad.

After the story of her Life and films was presented by noted film historian Mohan Raman, Sowcaramma shared some nuggets of wisdom in response to questions from the audience. Each answer of hers is a learning, a Life lesson for us to reflect upon and imbibe:

Q: Has being a linguist (she knows several Indian languages and speaks impeccable English with a proper British accent) helped you through your career?

A: Absolutely. But it is not about just knowing languages. It is about your willingness to learn. I am still learning.

Q: Your immediate family did not allow you to join films when you were still unmarried. You proved everyone wrong by joining films after your child was born. What were the naysayers’ reactions to you after you became a star?

A: Survival teaches you many things. Among them is the need to be true to yourself and not worry about what others have to say. I simply shut myself out to the opinions of others. I needed to join films because I needed to earn money to provide for my family. As long as I was doing what I was good at to be a bread-winner I did not see any value in considering what others had to say. Yes, they all flocked to me after I made it big. But by then my experiences had taught me how to not put down people while still keeping them at a distance.

Q: How does a day in your Life look like?

A: Why? (Laughs) I am just an ordinary human being. I work in films. Just as others work elsewhere. I learnt early on not to cling on to fame and name. I know one day you will be stripped off everything – your name, your fame, your money, your glory – all this will go. I cook. I potter around my garden. I don’t have anyone do anything for me that I can do myself. So I lead a fairly active day. I always count my blessings – fortunately at my age, I don’t have a sugar factory (diabetes) or an oil factory (cholesterol). And I have this audience in front of me. Aren’t these blessings? I consider myself very lucky!

Her nickname may be Sowcaramma. But she’s wealthier than the most materially rich person in the world. Because she has the wealth of wisdom gained from a lifetime of experiences! If you internalize the essence each of her answers in the context of your Life, you too may just grow a wee bit richer than you already are!

Don’t shut yourself to love

It is fine to fail in love in Life. The bigger tragedy is to not get any love or, worse, shut yourself to love.   

I read the story of a 62-year-old man from Bihar yesterday. In his early twenties he had an affair with a South-Indian, Tam Bram, girl. Her parents had her hurriedly married off to a Tam Bram engineer when they heard of the affair. Today, 39 years hence, the man still pines for her. He lives in Nainital presently but visits Hyderabad each year just to see her. He recently wrote this on facebook: “Today she has 2 kids; one son married and the other son is in the United States. She also has a grandchild, a girl. She lives in Hyderabad. Every year for the last 39 years, I have gone to see her. I don't meet her or make her even aware that I am there. I don't want her to feel embarrassed. I guess I live my Life through her. I never knew why she didn't have the courage to fight for “us” – something that I was willing to do. I guess I will never know. I am 62, unmarried, retired; I live alone in a three bedroom cottage, and today, when I reflect back, I wonder if I made the right choice?”

Clearly, this man is clinging on to his past. He has simply shut himself to love. It is fine to fail in love. Sometimes things don’t work out. Either before marriage or, as it often happens, even after marriage. The truth is marriage plays no role in helping two people relate to each other. When the relating stops, the relationship ends – whether or not you marry someone. In this man’s case, his beau succumbed to the pressure she faced from her parents – a story that has been played over and over and over again in many a Bollywood film right up until the late 1990s. In fact, films of those days merely portrayed what society was experiencing. By clinging on to what he believes is true love, the man has shut himself out for 39 long years. He need not have married again. But he surely could have been open to allowing himself to be loved and cared for.

Interestingly, this man and his story are but a metaphor. The learning from his story applies to all of us – whatever be our contexts. His is a tale of a lost relationship. But so many of us are trapped in the past too. We are clinging on to something which is dead. By holding on to what isn’t there, we are missing out on what is. And what is, is the perfect present – the now. Where love is in abundance. Where peace is in plenty. But to experience all of it, we must be present here – in the now.

Ask yourself: “What am I clinging on to?” Let go of whatever that hasn’t worked out or worked for you. Simply let go! Open yourself up and offer yourself to the opportunity in the moment. Then you will feel the difference. Your Life will be filled with love, peace and joy! 

Adapt, Adjust and Accommodate: Life’s best mantra

Our lives are tailored to take the most unpredictable turns. The only way then to live your Life, if you want to be happy and peaceful, is to be willing to adapt to, adjust with and accommodate the Life that comes your way.

Someone we know recently told us that he was preparing for “exploring the unknown” next year, when he turns 49 and is in his 50^th year. So he is getting ready to quit the trappings of a regular job and take “the plunge”. As I heard him share his plans, I thought to myself, while it is always good to plan the Life that you want, it also very important to be willing to accept the Life that you get. This means we must not cling on to or be rigid about our plans for our lives. Because there will be times when Life will serve you a menu that you neither wanted nor ordered!

Consider the story of Anu Aggarwal, the star of Mahesh Bhatt’s Aashiqui (1990) and Mani Ratnam’s Thiruda Thiruda (1993). Her recently launched autobiography Anusual - Memoir Of A Girl Who Came Back From The Dead (HarperCollins India, 192 pages, Rs.299; I haven’t read it yet), I believe, candidly takes us through her pretty eventful Life. She survives a horrifying car crash in 1999, which left her in a 29-day coma. She then takes sanyas – realizing in the bargain that godmen and their aura are neither true and nor do they exist. When she comes out to being her own self, “a voice from within answered”. And that’s how Anusual was born. Can you even imagine that one of Bollywood’s most successful heroines – Aashiqui which completed 25 years last month – was literally “gone with the wind”? And had it not been for a bunch of doctors and Anu’s own fight, she might have been lost in that car crash.

Anu’s story, yet again, tell us this: that you cannot plan your Life beyond a point. You simply have to live it – taking it as it comes. Planning is not a crime. But clinging on to the plan, and resisting Life’s design that often times tears your plans down – that resistance is what will make you miserable. So, the best mantra is be not just willing, but ready too, at any time to adapt to, adjust with, and accommodate what Life has in store for you! 

No point in asking ‘Why Me?’

Life simply happens to you. There is no conspiracy. There isn’t any logic. So, relax and deal with the Life that comes your way.

Yesterday we met with a friend. He comes from a very affluent family. But over the years his business has dwindled, his partner has cheated him and he is having to sell his assets, one by one, to support his kids’ education and to keep “the show going”. He’s worried, he feels insecure and has lost his self-esteem. “I suffered panic attacks last month, I fainted at the wheel while driving. I don’t feel like meeting anyone. I wonder why I am going through all this. I just hate it,” he lamented.

Hating what is and asking “why me” is the surest way to suffer. There are no explanations in Life on why you have to go through a phase or an experience. Asking “why me”, therefore, is futile. Just as hating a current situation is. Understand that Life is pretty darn simple – you are created without your asking for it; similarly you are put through a set of experiences in this lifetime and Life offers no explanations for either your creation or for your experiences. When facing Life you are actually dealing with something with which you can’t dialogue, you can’t reason and you can’t negotiate. This may seem hard to do when faced with an irrational situation – but acceptance is the only way to retain your sanity and inner peace. Well, you can choose not to accept the Life that you have been given, but that will only lead to, and accentuate, your suffering.

So, if you don’t want to suffer, simply take Life as it comes, deal with it to the best of your ability, don’t ask “why me” and keep moving on!

Reflections from a midnight concert - on what success means

Success is not just about getting what you want. It is about facing Life too.

Anil Srinivasan at the midnight concert

Last evening we attended a midnight concert by the acclaimed pianist Anil Srinivasan. It was the most beautiful and soulful way to bring in Independence Day. Anil rendered many great compositions in his effortless, flawless, inimitable style. Two of my favorites, apart from our national anthem, were Rabindranath Tagore’s “Ekla Chalo Re” and “Hum Honge Kamyaab” (Girija Kumar Mathur’s Hindi translation of the hymn of the African-American civil liberties movement, “We Shall Overcome”). Around the time that Vaani and I were courting each other, in the late 1980s, I had this burning desire to be rich (so that we could have a good Life) and successful (so that I would have a name and fame). “Hum Honge Kamyaab” was our courtship-theme song – we were faced with so many challenges on the road to getting married, from no money to start our Life together to having to get our parents’ approval. So, Mathur’s translated lyrics made a lot of sense – it inspired us to believe that we would indeed overcome our challenges and some day we would become successful, kamyaab, as the song suggested!

When Anil played the song on his piano last night, my eyes welled up. I reflected back on those heady times of our courtship and how we had surmounted every odd to get married and raise a family. I also recalled how, in particular, how I chased success. And today, when I look at the ruins of what was once a dream, I feel that my entire approach to success, in fact, its very definition has changed dramatically. Success to me today means simply this: the ability to live with the reality that is. Which means, to me, acceptance is success, being happy is success and being content is success. As this thought ran through my mind and as I let Anil’s rendition of “Hum Honge Kamyaab” caress my soul, I smiled to myself. Is this how one evolves in Life? To chase material success, find it, and through a Life-changing, cathartic experience, where every ‘thing’ is taken away from you, discover that all that one thought was success is no longer relevant. Success, I realized yet again last night, was simply about living each moment – the way it arrived and presented itself – well. Nothing else can qualify as success. Nothing else is success.

Surely, “Hum Honge Kamyaab” can still be anyone’s theme song – just as it continues to be mine. When you understand what being kamyaab, successful, really means, you will realize that it is totally unimportant how much wealth or fame you have in Life. What matters eventually is how much of your ‘given, gifted’ Life you have faced – and lived fully!   

A weaver, a verse and 4 haunting questions

Pause. Ask yourself four quick questions: 1. What am I rushing in Life for? 2. What security do I need in this Life to live doing what I truly love doing? 3. What am I praying for? 4. What is my deepest aspiration in Life?

Understandably, these questions cannot be answered in a jiffy. But asking them doesn't cost anything. On the contrary, it awards you with inquiry, grants you thinking that can transform your Life. But these are also uncomfortable questions. And so we don't want to dwell on them. We prefer just rushing along with our daily lives __ continuing to work without joy, to live in fear, feeling frustrated and insecure. Every now and then, we turn to God, demanding that our financial, emotional and physical problems be solved. With some element of probability coming in to play, when our prayers are granted, we thank God. When they go unanswered, we blame God.

Kabir, the 16th Century mystic poet, a humble weaver by occupation, invites us to find the God, who we desperately seek, in the Faith we (must) have in ourselves. For those who follow Hindi, find the verse rendered in Bhupinder's soulful voice on this link:

This verse translates as follows in English:

“Where do you search for me? I am with you

Not in pilgrimage, nor in idols, Neither in solitude

Not in temples, nor in mosques

Neither in Kaba nor in Kailash

I am with you O man, I am with you

Not in prayers, nor in meditation, Neither in fasting

Not in yogic exercises, Neither in renunciation

Neither in the vital Life source nor in the body, Not even in the ethereal space

Neither in the womb of nature, Not in the breath of the breath

Seek earnestly and discover, In but a moment of search

Says Kabir, Listen with care, Where your Faith is, I am there.”

So, stop running. Stop searching. Stop seeking. Stop fearing. Start living. Live in Faith. You will find meaning in your Life. And, ah, yes, you will also find the answers to the four questions above! When you answer those questions, you will find joy filling your Life!!!

Stay stoic. Be happy with what is!

The best way to lead Life is to be stoic.

This is what both history and the scriptures have been teaching us all along. Zeno, a pre-Socratic Greek philosopher, who lived around the 3^rd Century BC, championed the belief that God determined everything for the best and holding on to that view was a virtue sufficient for happiness. Zeno’s followers were called Stoics – some of the more popular followers were Seneca and Epictetus. The Roman philosophers who followed advocated the calm acceptance of all occurrences as the unavoidable result of divine will or of natural order. The second chapter of the Bhagavad Gita ends with the highest state of consciousness a human being can attain. Krishna, replying to Arjuna, says (presenting here only the relevant extract): “...He lives in wisdom, who sees himself in all and all in him, Whose love for the Lord of Love has consumed every selfish desire and sense-craving tormenting the heart. Not agitated by grief, nor hanker after pleasure he lives free from lust and fear and anger. Fettered no more by selfish attachments he is not elated by good fortune nor depressed by bad. Such is the seer....” The key operative part is to be “not elated by good fortune nor depressed by bad”. Mahatma Gandhi meditated on this verse for 50 years every morning and night and devoted all his Life to translating it into his daily action. This was the key to his self-transformation.

In our lifetimes, we are seeing stoicism all around us as people deal with catastrophic calamities – like MH 370 or the Nepal quake. We also see people deal with their private tragedies stoically – a health challenge, a relationship issue, the passing of a dear one. There is immense pain for those who are caught in these Life situations. Yet we don't see them beating their chests and wailing. They see no point in grieving and suffering endlessly. Instead, we see them, almost prayerful, moving on with their work, seemingly unaffected by the pain and grief. This is the highest spiritual quality individuals can acquire. In learning from them, we can find a better way to deal with our own, smaller, calamities. Stay stoic. Stay anchored. Be happy with what is!

Summon the right attitude, reboot and move on…

It is okay sometimes in Life to find yourself lonely – and alone!

It is perfectly normal to find yourself, from time to time, in a situation where everything that you dreamed of, everything that you stood for, every value and principle you held on to and practiced diligently, lies shattered, taken away from you and every evidence seems to point that you have been so naive and are on the wrong path, while the whole world seems to be making merry progressing in a different direction. It is okay to find yourself alone. In such a situation, what you need to be doing is surveying what’s left of your Life – focusing on what you have than brooding over what isn’t there. Remember not to focus on what’s not with you anymore but to look at what you still have.

Of the pieces, or threads, that are still with you, pick one that is very dear to you. Maybe your dream. While all your efforts thus far may have been run aground, nobody can take your dream away from you. Even if the world does not value you for the principles you follow, you still are who you are. Nobody can change who you are and what you believe in. Not even you. So, your values and principles are still intact. There may be other threads__someone out there who still believes in you, a glimmer of light that shows the way ahead. As you emerge from surveying what you are left with, resolve anew to pursue. Focus on the smaller, beautiful (the ones you love) pieces than on all your problems at the same time. You have air in your lungs, you have your values intact, your dream’s still in you__these are good enough to reboot your Life’s journey.

There’s a beautiful line in Hindi literature that says, “Doobte hue ko bas tinke ki zaroorat hoti hai”, which means, “The one who's drowning, just needs a straw, a reeper, to cling on to”. A friend’s facebook status yesterday read as follows: “Haiku of the morning__Dad passed away. Feels like the roof over our head’s blown off. But the sunrise is brilliant.” That’s what a reboot is all about – summoning the right attitude to move on…

Look out the window. There's a beautiful sun rising for you. (Or surely, in a while). Just for you. Perhaps, it is time for you to stop mourning, stop moaning and start living?

‘Stop weaving and see how the pattern improves’

Take care of yourself. Help heal yourself.

When we injure ourselves, say a nick while shaving or a cut while chopping vegetables, the body heals itself. If there is a deeper injury, with some care, we are back on the road. The truth is when the body is affected, it receives attention. The truth also is we injure our minds all the time but we don't give it the care it needs to heal. Every angry thought, every remorseful thought, in fact every thought that is not centered around love, peace and joy, is injurious. Now, ask yourself, how many such thoughts on love, peace and joy, do you think out of the 60,000 thoughts that occur to you each day? Unlikely that we even think loving, peaceful thoughts for weeks on end!! Consider therefore how battered the mind must be and how much healing needs to happen for it to be 'normal' again. Unless we heal from within we cannot expect our lives to become meaningful.

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Mouna', the practice of silence periods, is the best way to heal our minds, to help it develop focus, faith and patience. The 13th Century Persian poet Rumi couldn't have said it better: "In silence there is eloquence. Stop weaving and see how the pattern improves." Stop weaving here means to stop worrying, to stop wanting to control your Life, to stop the continuous chatter in your head; it means to pause and reflect. So, to make your life beautiful, happy and prosperous, stop battering your mind; heal it by anchoring in silence!

Learn as you live

We all want our lives to turn out well and go the way we planned for them to be. While that's a comforting aspiration, it will undoubtedly result in agony. Because Life has a mind of its own.

Remember the old saying? Life is what happens to you when you are busy making other plans! Besides, the Master Plan, is above all our plans. Since no one really knows what the Master Plan is, it is best to live in acceptance of what comes our way than trying to resist or deny anything. Indeed, because most of us are ethical, hardworking and principled, when things don't go our way, we are initially shocked, dazed and knocked out cold. This is when we must hold our own. This is not the time for mourning or grieving or for asking 'Why Me?' Such a response is futile and is not exactly going to alter your Life's course. What is required is acceptance of what is and calmness to guide you through these not-so-normal times.

Be inspired by Martin Luther King Jr.’s prescription for such situations: “The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” Well, you can add adversity to King’s list there. Remember that Life's ultimate desire is to coach you and each twist, test, turn and trial is to teach you valuable lessons. If you are a good student, learning your lessons well and quickly, you will be in peace. If you resist the coaching, Life will relentlessly chase you until you come around. So, go on, be sensible. Accept Life as it is and learn as you live!