Zen and the art of never becoming disagreeable

It is perfectly possible and correct to differ with someone on an opinion or issue and still get along that person. This is not about being hypocritical or practicing double-standards. This is a mature way of learning to separate issues from people.

It is not easy definitely to start with. But when you view any situation closely, you will find that it is imminently possible to deal with it dispassionately, which is always the best way too! What happens though is when we have a difference of opinion with someone, we try to avoid that person. We start finding newer flaws with that person in order to magnify and justify our difference of opinion. So, for instance, say you disagree with your friend’s political views. And you get into a strong argument with that friend. Instead of shaking hands with that friend at the end of a stimulating discussion, you choose to just walk away. The next time you meet that friend, you are carrying the baggage of the last experience and you begin to wonder, for instance, why he or she is dressed the way they are. You start justifying your last opinion of this person with a fresh sentiment saying this person does not even know how to be properly groomed. And so this ruinous cycle of ‘building a case’ to isolate the person itself, not just the views, begins. It happens subconsciously. But it happens all the time in most relationships we have.

Pause for a moment now. Think of all the situations when you have disagreed with people in the last week. Just in the last 7 days. Review your sentiments, even the ones you may have not expressed but experienced in your mind, of these people. Objectively enlist the number of times you were on the ‘building a case’ mode with these people. To your surprise, in each of the instances when you disagreed on an issue, you have inadvertently, subconsciously, taken the route to justify and magnify the difference of opinion, often beyond the issue itself. You will be surprised how much you__and I__are habituated to this practice.

We must break free from this thinking though. Three simple steps may be helpful here: 1. Acknowledge that each one is entitled to their opinion 2. If you disagree remember always that the disagreement is with the issue, the behavior, the opinion, never with the person 3. Conclude each disagreement session with a smile and say clearly, passionately, that you hope to find a meeting ground sometime soon on this issue! Apply this to every relationship you have and to every episode where you have felt or expressed disagreement. Start with your list of last week and work back, ensuring also, that going forward you will not let any new disagreements assume demonic, irrevocable proportions.

Popular American radio host, Bernard Meltzer’s (1916~1998 show ‘What’s Your Problem?’ helped listeners calling in crack some of Life’s myriad puzzles. He once said, “If you have learned how to disagree without being disagreeable then you have discovered the secret of getting along — whether it be in business, family relations, or in Life itself.” When you learn the art of never becoming disagreeable, you too would have learnt to live intelligently!