Reflections on Life, love and loving on a 27th Anniversary!

Companionship makes this short journey called Life beautiful!

Faqt Char Din Ki Zindagi Hai Yeh, Mere Humdum

Kisi Ko Saath Le Lena, Kisi Ke Saath Chal Dena

      -  Nida Fazli, Urdu Poet, 1938 ~ 2016

Today is my wedding anniversary with Vaani! 27 years may seem like a long time. But for Vaani and me, it is not.

Vaani & AVIS: 1988

For us, since we met in October 1987, these 28+ years of knowing each other and 27 years of living together, have always been a ‘happening’ time. It is always in the present continuous. The first meeting, the first date, the first gift, the first touch...none of these is an event of the past or a distant memory…everything seems like it is still happening to us. And that, I believe, is an incredible blessing!

Indeed, finding love in Life is a blessing. Loving someone is not about marrying that person. It is not about providing and protecting. It is about a special friendship. It is about being there, no matter what happens. In the initial years of knowing each other, when Vaani and I were much younger, our physical presence with each other surely mattered a lot. We have kissed each other on public transport and have waited long spells for the other to join at meal times. I remember on my first overseas trip, to Tokyo in 1991, in an era when there was no WhatsApp or Facebook, I wept like a baby while calling Vaani over phone; I was missing her a lot. With the years going by, I am delighted to share, that intensity of longing and belonging has not diminished even a wee bit. Yet, we seem to have transcended the physicality of our relationship. We have blended, and remain, as soul-mates.

Vaani & AVIS: 2008

To be sure, the past decade has been tumultuous for us as a family and as a couple. Everything material has been taken away from us – work, business, money, gadgets, cars, gold jewelery, investments, insurance….everything that we once owned has gone away. We haven’t even been able to buy each other anniversary gifts – something that’s considered normal and customary – these past few years, and this year too, because we can’t afford them! Yet, despite the excruciating circumstances of a painful bankruptcy, between spells of pennilessness and those few times of finding some work, or money, to keep our nose above water, we have learnt to count on each other’s strength. That strength, to me, is the key to our special friendship, to our companionship.

Labels such as spouse are restrictive – there’s an unnecessary social and legal context that they bring along. Companionship requires no approval or consent. To me Vaani is my best friend. Someone who, I know, will be there no matter what I do or how I look. And I am sure Vaani feels for me the same way too. Even so, it is not as if we don’t disagree or critique each other. We do. I have taken liberties with her – thrown stuff around the house in bouts of frustration or have sulked at times when I have not been able to solve or address the problems that we are faced with. But Vaani’s style of leadership has been very empowering. She has always given me the time and space to sort myself out. I am a year+ younger than she is, but she treats me like an equal. And that’s what good friendship is all about, isn’t it? We have followed a simple, unstated, principle all these years: we never tell each other ‘I told you so!’ Which is, we may differ on approaches and views, but when we move forward, we are together in it. We don’t display any one-upmanship or indulge in blame games. That’s how we have been able to face what Life has thrown at us, that’s how we have hung on to each other on this incredible roller-coaster that we are on (much of it is chronicled in my Book ‘Fall Like A Rose Petal’/Westland, 2014; and in this film ‘Rise In Love’).

Vaani & AVIS: 2011

When I see so many relationships struggling around us, I feel that people are missing the companionship, that once was, between them. People drift apart from each other after falling in love and getting married because they have this tendency to subconsciously compartmentalize their lives – one part that was before the marriage and the other part that is after the marriage. So, in essence, the event of a marriage places a full stop; it pronounces the end of one phase of the relationship and begins another. This full stop is totally unnecessary. The truth about Life is that everything new, over time, will start seeming and feeling old. In the upheavals of everyday Life, therefore, romance does receive lower priority because the courtship is over, the marriage is done, dusted – and in some cases, sadly, dead too. That’s precisely why people who fall in love, fall out of love too. But what if you were to imagine that the marriage never took place? Won’t the loving be continuous then? That’s the way Vaani and I treat our Life – we married to fulfil social requirements, period. But we never see our marriage as a defining, epochal event. So, our companionship thrives; so, our loving is ongoing, it is flowing.

The key to great companionship is to never let marriage take the center stage. Treat marriage, if at all you must marry, like just another date in your courtship calendar. Then the journey together, no matter what the circumstances you both are faced with, will be a continuous, never-ending celebration!

Of friends in the family

The key to happiness in a family is the friendship between the parents!

Last week we were invited to tea at a friend’s place. Our friend, his wife and their daughter sat with us.  As we sipped some exotic Kashmiri Kahva tea, the conversation meandered to the subject of marriage. We all shared our thoughts on how companionship is more important than just being held hostage in the social framework of a marriage – where two people are trapped, unhappy with each other, trying to please the whole world! It was an interesting discussion that examined how marriage, as a socially-acceptable label, was perhaps losing relevance as a long-term engagement proposition.

Our friend’s daughter talked about the live-in relationship she had when she lived in Europe some years ago. She told us that because her partner could not make the move to India they decided to pursue their careers independently even if it meant separating from each other. But she added that despite their living on different continents their friendship has thrived. She looked at her parents and thanked them for supporting her choices all through – to live in with Mark, to choose to return to Chennai without him, and to continue to be friends with him. Our friend said, “We feel like Mark is one of our own.” And his wife exclaimed, “We will always love Mark. He’s a great guy!”

I found the entire conversation mature, honest and beautiful. For a couple of reasons. One, marriage as an institution indeed requires deconstruction and reengineering. Clearly the happiness of the people involved must be focused on more than the relationship. And that can happen only when two people are relating, in a present continuous sense, with each other. Often times – look around you and you will find so many examples of this – people are just clinging on to the social definition of the relationship although it has long been dead in a truly, deeply, personal sense! The other reason this conversation interested me was that this family inspires us and show us why we must respect the choices and preferences of our children. It beats me why some parents still want to control their children and force them to make choices for their (parents’) sake!

A good marriage is one where there’s a great friendship between two people. And a good family is one where parents and children respect each other for who they are – this means individual choices, opinions and decisions are not just welcome, they are encouraged; and everyone is free to live their Life, their way, without the fear of being judged. Simply, the friendship between parents impacts the destiny of the family – often determining how their children find love, meaning and happiness in Life! 

‘Yeh Dosti!’ - Inspirations from the ‘dostana’ between Kamala-Laxman and Shabana-Javed

Friendship over marriage matters in a relationship. This is what will help you journey together with whoever you are in love with!  

Kamala and Laxman
Picture Courtesy: Mid-Day/Internet

I saw a beautiful story in the Times of India (TOI), written by Radha Rajadhyaksha, on the companionship between Kamala and R.K.Laxman, that ended, in a physical sense, with the eminent cartoonist’s passing away, earlier this week. Kamala, now 89, recounts to Radha that Laxman was the first person to see her in her family, when she was born, even ahead of her own mother. She said: “There was a cosmic ring to our relationship. It was meant to be.” “We chose each other,” she reiterated, adding that the friendship bloomed over many summer holidays in her grandfather's Mysore home, where Laxman lived. I am touched – and inspired – that Kamala used the word ‘friendship’ and not ‘relationship’ in describing the way she related to Laxman. 

Shabana and Javed
Picture Courtesy: Internet

In another story I read last week, again in TOI - Bombay Times, renowned lyricist Javed Akhtar told Priya Gupta that his “friendship” with actor Shabana Azmi is so strong that “even marriage could not break it”! “Shabana is basically my friend. We happen to be married. We got married as people thought that you have to be married,” he confessed. I concur with the view expressed by Akhtar here. He’s been married twice – like Laxman was – but feels that it is his friendship with Shabana that has kept their marriage of 30 years going despite the fact that there are times when they differ from each other. He says: “If we are totally similar, then you should not live with a person who is exactly like you as you are enough alone. And if you are totally different, then too, you can't function together. So I think there is a right kind of balance between similarity and dissimilarity between us.” And that balance, as I have learnt from Life, comes from a good, strong friendship with your companion or partner.

I consider my friendship with Vaani, my soulmate, the biggest blessing in my Life. I have talked about how meaningful this friendship has been in a chapter titled ‘Rise In Love’ in my Book “Fall Like A Rose Petal – A father’s lessons on how to be happy and content while learning to live without money” (Westland, August 2014). I have understood that marriage is but a label, an unnecessary and avoidable sense of social security, a crutch that you cling on to. Over time, the crutch cripples you more than it enables or empowers you – especially when two people in a relationship are no longer relating to each other. My question is fairly simple – why do people who can’t relate to each other anymore continue to suffer in a relationship? Is it only to please a decadent society?

There will be so many more happier couples in this world if people simply chose to be with their best friends instead of getting married to people for the sake of family or society or both. Almost everyone has or has had a best friend – someone who you can trust, someone who is a critic, who holds a mirror, someone who you can fall back on, someone who is always there for you. If this person can be your companion for Life, as Vaani is to me, great. But if this has not happened, and you believe it can now happen, just go for it. Don’t think too much. Don’t hesitate. It is important, no matter what, to be happy in Life. If someone can contribute to your happiness, choose that person over everyone else. Because as you grow older, you will not just need someone to hold your hand, you will yearn for someone who can hold your heart. You will believe in wanting to create memories and not just assets. You will want to have inspiring, meaningful conversations and not just sex. You will want to celebrate each moment being with each other and not just an anniversary or birthday gifting each other some “thing”. For all these reasons and more don’t you think it makes more sense being with a friend than just a “legally acceptable” spouse? 

A true companion makes Life beautiful – and meaningful

True companionship goes beyond the physical and financial aspects of living together. It is about being there for each other – no matter what.

Nadia and Aamir Kabeer: True Companionship
Picture Courtesy: Open/Ashish Sharma/Internet

I read a heart-warming story in the latest issue of Open magazine written by Ashish Sharma. In a photo essay, Sharma profiles young Aamir Kabeer, a resident of Baramulla, Kashmir, who was caught in a crossfire by security forces to quell civilian unrest in September 2010. Kabeer who was returning home from a friend’s place was struck by pellets in his eyes. He lost his eyesight in that incident. Hospitalization in Srinagar, at the famed AIIMS in New Delhi, in Indore and in Chennai was unsuccessful. Doctors concurred with each other that he had suffered severe retinal damage. All through this ordeal, Kabeer’s girlfriend, Nadia stood by him. Last June she married him much against the wishes of her parents. Sharma writes: “Today, he (Kabeer) sees the world through her (Nadia’s) eyes.”

This is such a beautiful example of companionship.

I believe that the entire essence of living together – as a couple – is about companionship. And companionship is about a deep friendship – of being true to each other, no matter what the circumstances may be. Being true again does not mean being “nice”. It means being compassionate, being honest – doing what is right at a given moment, than what appears to be right. It is about holding up a mirror when it has to be held up and yet walking alongside, every step of the way.

At a “Fall Like A Rose Petal” (also the title of my Book published by Westland) Talk that I delivered recently, someone from the audience asked my wife why – and how – she chose to stay with me despite “my inability to provide for the family” and because our grave financial circumstances were caused by “my erroneous decisions and choices”. I was overwhelmed with my wife’s answer. She said: “I have known AVIS from when he was 19. He had nothing with him apart from his integrity and his sense of purpose then. That’s why I was drawn to him. The money, the success we have seen in business and Life, came much later. And then later came the fall. But his integrity and sense of purpose is just the same. As long as this part of him does not change, I don’t see any reason why I should not be with him.” Please forgive my indulgence with my wife’s sentiments, but this is what true companionship is all about. In my Book, in a chapter titled “Rise In Love”, I do talk about this special friendship that my wife and I share.

There’s great beauty in companionship. It makes journeying through Life meaningful – even if not outright easy. When choosing a partner for Life, the key factor to be considered is whether you believe this person will make a great friend and compassionate companion. Nothing else matters. Because the circumstances that bring you together can change. Your financial status can change. Your health situation can change. Your physical appearance will change. But if the friendship between you and your partner, companion, remains unchanged, you can be sure to face Life strongly, stoically. To expect a Life free from challenges or problems is naivete. But if you have a companion who is walking by your side, every step of the way, no matter what you have to go through, consider that your biggest blessing! You will need nothing – and no one – more to face Life!

Friendship and Relating – the twin factors that make great relationships!

No one is inferior or superior. In a relationship, it is the relating which is important. Not who’s more powerful or articulate or successful.

The Airtel "Priya -Boss" Ad

A TV commercial for Airtel is making news in India for the wrong reasons. It shows a man taking orders from his boss, who is also his wife; while at the same time, she,  as his wife, offers to cook dinner and invites him to come home soon. The debate on social media is on, as one analysis on IBN Live argued, “whether the campaign enforces stereotypes, breaks established family roles, is a modern twist to same old misogynist propaganda or just neo-feminism riding on compromise.”

Watch the ad here. 

Honestly, I don’t see why there must be a debate in the first place. Why can’t a woman be a man’s boss at work while still offering to cook a meal for them at home? Why do we typecast people in specific roles – that a man should be the boss or should be the bread-winner or that a woman must primarily be a home-maker and not have a career of her own? When I got married, my wife used to earn a salary higher than I did – she worked in the computer education field while I was a journalist, earning a measly income that was determined by a government-regulated wage board! But this never really affected either of us. And then she gave up her flourishing career to stay back at home and help us raise a family. Again this decision never affected our love or respect for each other. I know a couple, both of whom have IIM-A degrees, where the wife is a high-flying software professional with India’s # 1 IT company, while the husband keeps the home and helps their young teenaged daughter cope with high school and now, recently, college. For years now, they both have kept these roles and continue to have a very happy marriage.

So, I don’t think a reversal of roles affects a marriage. Whatever be the role, as long as the friendship between two people is intact, they will continue to relate to each other. I, in fact, salute the Aritel commercial’s director, Vinil Mathew, for choosing to make such a sensitive film. To me, the ad celebrates friendship and relating. And these two are above everything else – even above the label of a “respectable relationship”. There’s no meaning in a relationship if people in it can’t relate to each other or enjoy each other’s companionship. What’s the point in strutting around trying hard to prove that everything’s normal, when nothing really is, to please a decadent society? It doesn’t matter who earns, who cooks, who does the dishes or who fetches the groceries – as long as the two people in the relationship continue to love each other and are willing to grow and evolve through Life – together!

Someone to walk into the sunset with…..

A marriage can be continuously exciting and romantic if the couple in it are relating to each other than merely being obsessed with ‘maintaining’ the relationship.

Yesterday I was watching this beautiful Hindi movie ‘English Vinglish’ (2012, Gauri Shinde, starring Sri Devi). At the end of the movie, Shashi, the housewife played so admirably by Sri Devi, talks about marriage and how it can be nurtured and kept relevant despite the pulls and pressures of everyday Life. I can’t agree with her more.

When you strip away all the frills and the individual or societal expectations, what you are left with is the friendship of two people who come together and decide to live, learn and walk together through Life. True friendship is really about being yourself and allowing the other person to simple be too. Actually you don’t need the label of a marriage to certify or consummate a friendship. We don’t do it in the normal course, with other friendships we may have struck with people from either sex. So, why does it become so complicated, ever so often, in a marriage? The answer lies in the contractual nature of the relationship itself – as defined and practised by society today. While no scripture or tradition prescribes this contractual arrangement, society, over centuries and generations, has ended up, in the garb of pronouncing marriage to be a ‘sacred institution’, turning marriage into a business contract. You give me this. And I give you this in return. If you are this way, then I promise to be this way. A marriage, in its simplest definition, has ended up being nothing but a conditional acceptance of their affairs between two people. Great friendships, however, are never conditional – they thrive on mutual understanding, respect, brutal honesty and compassion. As long as two people can be this way, relating to each other, despite the circumstances, their friendship will survive, grow and glow. Truly, in such cases, you don’t need a certificate, a label or any protection or safety net – legal or social. Of course, it is quite possible that sometimes, friendships grow through a marriage. So, it is not to be concluded that the institution is itself losing credibility.

I guess the moot point then is – how can two people try to continue to relate to each other without really worrying about the relationship?

This, from my own personal experience, and what I have learned observing couples over the years, is possible when the ‘relating’ is continuous. Life is a long journey. Couples experience at least 35+ years of togetherness in a normal lifespan. Now this togetherness can be a beautiful friendship or just a ‘co-existential’ drama enacted for both self and society. That is they “legally live-in together” but don’t connect, don’t relate at all. When relating is continuous – there are no terms, no conditions, no impositions. There’s an expectant air about everything. Pretty much like the early weeks of two people getting to know each other. Waiting for the appointed meeting hour. Letting go. Giving space to each other. Disagreeing at times. But agreeing to disagree. There’s nothing predictable nor taken-for-granted. Then, when everything’s fresh, despite the years of being together, then, the relating is continuous. Conversely, when the relating is continuous, the romance is still new and fresh.

Of course, Life’s design will challenge the greatest friendships. But only those that are built on the foundations of mutual respect and compassion__what I call relating__survive these challenges. Whatever label we give this friendship, I for one believe that walking hand-in-hand with someone you can relate to is the greatest gift you can have in Life. If you have that gift, celebrate and be grateful. If you don’t then stop kidding yourself. Have the courage to accept that while you may be in relationship called marriage, there’s no relating in it anymore. At least stop grieving, stop wishing your Life were different and stop complaining about your spouse. You are as much responsible for the non-relating in your relationship as your spouse is. And remember, you still have an option – if you still want to, you can go find that friend who’s out there waiting for you, and who can walk with you into the sunset!