A friend teaches me that true love means “compassion”

The compassionate are the richest people, they make this world so much better!

A reader, perhaps spurred by the flavor of the month, Valentine’s, asked me if love is a motivator or is it a responsibility. And I write this post to share what I know of what true love is.

Let us understand that love is fundamentally an expression of energy. The lowest form of that energy is when you make love, have sex; that energy is purely physical. That energy is also called passion. The next level of that same energy is love, where you go beyond the physical and feel for the other. There is give and take beyond the physical state in love and this is what makes people be with each other and thrive. And the third level of that energy is compassion, when there is something deeply spiritual that unites two people. And each only wants to be a giver. Each does not expect anything in return. This is the best and the purest state for a couple to be in. It may be possible that only the giver may be compassionate and the receiver may not reciprocate. But the giver goes on giving, with no expectation, with no complaints. So, the love that we commonly talk about at a romantic level, is mid-way between passion, plain love-making or sex and the deeply spiritual compassion.

Pure love is when all the energy in you transcends the physical, passionate, state, goes beyond the feeling stage and reaches the giving state, the compassionate state.

Let me share with you the story of my friend, who is now 50. I met him earlier this week, many years after he had separated from his wife. His wife actually had dealt with him rather unusually – taking over his property, deserting him and migrating to the US with their child. While she may have had her own reasons for her actions, my friend was devastated. He just could not reconcile, for several months, with what had happened. I remember him telling me: “I loved her and still love her a lot. She could have just told me that she wanted to break away from me and I would have walked away without a question. That she chose not to trust me with her decision hurts me more than her leaving me. And why deny me access to my own child?”

Over time, my friend immersed himself in his work. And all of us around him felt he had managed his emotional state pretty well. When I met him a few days ago, I asked him how he was coping. What he told me blew me away completely and my admiration for him has swelled. Here’s how the conversation went.

Me: “So, how are you coping with Life?”

Him: “Life’s beautiful. I married a Kashmiri woman whose husband died of cancer some years ago and adopted her son as my own.”

Me: “That’s wonderful. How old is the boy? And how has he adapted to you?”

Him: “The boy is 12 now. It’s been three years. He calls me ‘daddy’ and we are great friends. My wife and I are also great friends. To tell you the truth, I have a special and beautiful friendship with her. After her husband’s death, her in-laws were not supportive. They harassed her and blamed her for their son’s death (he was diagnosed with cancer within a few months of their marriage). She even contemplated suicide as she could not handle them nor get over her loss. She loved her husband a lot and did not see a meaning in her continuing to live. We have a mutual friend who asked me if I could consider marrying her so that she could get out of the tyrannical clutches of her in-laws. When I met her for the first time, she told me openly that she did not want to ever physically consummate our marriage. Because she still feels the presence of her husband in her Life. So, she told me that our own marriage may not work out. I liked her openness. And her concern for me. I told her we could still marry and be great friends. That’s how it all started and all three of us are very, very, very happy!”

Me: “That’s such a great choice and gesture. I respect you. But don’t you miss something: maybe physical intimacy? Maybe your first wife?”

Him: “Life’s not about sex and physical relationships alone. I still love my first wife. But she’s gone. What’s the point in pining for her or holding a grudge against her? I decided to channelize my love for her and my first child, who’s with her, toward my second wife and her son. Their presence in my Life keeps me anchored and their friendship keeps me going.”

Even as I recall this conversation here, I feel blessed and grateful that my dear friend reiterated for me a learning that’s so invaluable. Love’s not only about physical intimacy with a partner. There’s a special friendship that’s possible if you make the effort. And if nurtured, through sharing, caring and compassion, as in my friend’s case, it can take Life to a spiritual level, making it beautiful and meaningful!

So, as a Valentine’s Day message, let’s take away the need to evolve and attain the state of compassion, when you are only giving, with no expectation of anything in return. 

Forgiving someone is the best gift you can give yourself

Forgiveness means to accept people for who they are. Irrespective of their irrationality, of their attitude towards you and of their actions.

I recently met a business associate who had failed to fulfil his contractual obligation to my erstwhile (and now defunct) Firm.

It had been a messy relationship. He was paid a sum of money in lieu of his services that he never delivered. When my Firm demanded the money back, he stonewalled us and refused to even take my calls. I sent him a strongly worded email to which he never replied. So, it was in these circumstances that this person and I met at social event. He was courteous but he was both uncomfortable in my presence and, most certainly, unapologetic. Sensing his discomfort, I clasped his hands, and looking him in the eye said, “Let bygones be bygones. I know we have an issue pending. But I am not carrying any grudges any more. I am sorry if I have hurt you in any way over the episode we both wished had never happened.” That kind of lightened the atmosphere and we spent the rest of the evening drinking and chatting up! 

I am not even sitting in judgment of what I did as right or wrong. I simply forgave the person. Period.

I have learned from Life that nobody is bad. Nobody is out to fix anyone! People do what they do because they believe they are right in doing so. Or they think if they didn’t do so, something grave is going to happen to them. Or if they didn’t do what they are doing, they may not get what they expect from you. All irrational behavior by someone then is a manifestation of what they are thinking, their belief systems at that moment, which again is a reflection of the time that they are going through. Such behavior needs to be responded with compassion not hatred. These people need your understanding. They need your forgiveness, not your anger. Besides, if you think deeply about it, what purpose does anger serve? You burn in it, while the person at whom you are directing your rage is often totally nonplussed about how you are feeling.

To truly forgive means to give someone your deepest understanding. It means to let go of the need to judge, opine, analyze or justify and to simply accept the diversity in human Life. It also means to appreciate that people will think different, behave different from you, because they are different from you!  Besides, forgiving someone unburdens you of all the excess baggage of anger, hatred, grief and suffering that you will otherwise carry around. Forgiving someone who has hurt you is the best gift you can give yourself. Think about it. This awareness can make your Life beautiful!

Why forsake your freedom for someone else’s folly?

Some people you meet in Life will be cantankerous, scheming and unethical to the core. Let them be.

Recently someone we know worked in a despicable manner against our interest. It was hurting to see how we were treated and how our self-esteem was trampled upon. We did not protest. We did not whine. We did not rant. We did not fight. We merely exited from the relationship.

10 years ago, I would have kicked up a ruckus. I would have fought. I would have wanted to get even. I would have pushed hard to justify ourselves. I remember during one ghastly episode (which I have shared in my Book “Fall Like A Rose Petal”) with an unethical client, in 2003, I launched a 45-minute tirade against the CFO of the client’s company over the phone. It was a monologue – only I spoke, actually, I howled non-stop for those 45 minutes! When I was tired and done, and could bawl no more, the gentleman at the other end of the line calmly said, “Never waste your energy banging your head against a wall, AVIS. Not worth it.” But I did not heed his sage counsel. I threatened him and his company of dire consequences. For weeks on end, I tried to pursue options to sue them in international courts (they are an MNC). It was very late in the day when I realized I had I wasted precious time and inner peace on a dead cause.

Mercifully, I am not that way anymore. This is what Life has taught me: People will be who they are. And what they do to you, need not__and must not__change the way you deal with them. A common response we, good, ethical, warm and kind folks, have to such people is that we become depressive or angry or vengeful. This only creates more negative energy in us. And that, you will agree, is simply not worth inviting into your Life!

Here’s a Zen story which is awakening.

Two monks were washing their bowls in the river when they noticed a scorpion that was drowning. One monk immediately scooped it up and set it upon the bank. In the process the scorpion stung him. Unmindful, he went back to washing his bowl and again the scorpion fell into the river and began drowning. The monk saved the scorpion one more time and was again stung.

The other monk, who was watching this spectacle, asked him, “Friend, why do you continue to save the scorpion when you know it's nature is to sting?”

“Because,” the first monk replied, “to save it is my nature.”

So, stay true to your nature. And let no one affect it. This does not mean you must suffer in silence. There surely are other means to express yourself than to retaliate in a similar manner as the one who’s causing you pain. When you are filled with anger and act from that impulse, you breed negativity in you. When you are negative, your inner peace gets affected. When your inner peace is disturbed, you are held hostage by debilitating emotions. And that essentially means you are not living free!

Think about it: Do you really want to forsake your freedom because someone acted foolishly?

If you are lonely in each other’s presence, it’s probably best to separate!

Loneliness is a virtue if you are alone, a learning if you are in a crowd and a curse if you experience it in a relationship – particularly in a marriage!

Someone who read my recent blogpost on Bajirao Mastani (http://avisviswanathan.blogspot.in/2015/12/what-we-can-learn-from-kashibai-about.html) shared her perspective: “I don’t think Kashibai deserves to be deified for her choice of separating from Bajirao. Perhaps, she was uninteresting and very traditional, housewife-ish? Perhaps Bajirao found Mastani very refreshing, vibrant, oozing mohabbat from every pore…perhaps the trappings of being a Peshwa and being bound to tradition – wife, kingdom, mother, army – shackled Bajirao and he just wanted to break free? And Mastani’s offer to be his companion gave him that exit route?”

Hmmm….! In the absence of the real Bajirao, the real Kashibai and the real Mastani, you can’t entirely disagree with this reader’s point of view. Besides, if that is what drove Bajirao go with Mastani, nothing wrong with it at all. It is definitely a better choice than being lonely in a marriage – which, interestingly, leaves your spouse lonely too! In the movie The Lunchbox (Ritesh Batra, 2013), Lillete Dubey, who plays Illa’s (Nimrat Kaur) mother, poignantly alludes to how lonely – and dreary and traumatic – her Life has been until her husband’s passing away. In fact, she confesses, not in a grief-stricken state of stupor, but in a moment of absolute clarity, that all she really wants to do, to perhaps celebrate her new freedom, is to eat parathas! The reference to parathas is purely figurative. It could be anything that you love doing - anything except feeling lonely in a relationship, anything except suffering alone, anything except being shackled!

A marriage is nothing but an arrangement, equivalent of a business contract. If, for whatever reason, it doesn’t work out, the arrangement must be dissolved. There’s nothing to grieve about, feel sorry for or berate when a marriage fails. A marriage fails because the two people in it have stopped looking forward to each other. They can’t relate to each other anymore. They are lonely in each other’s presence. How much more banal and painful can it get? When you put up with loneliness of this kind in a relationship the entire responsibility of your suffering is yours. Remember: you have a choice. And that choice is to opt out.

I am not trying to suggest that all of us must break away from our marriages. All I am saying is that if you are unhappy, lonely and suffering in a marriage – or any relationship – exercise your choice to break free. The brutal truth is none of us has too much time left here. This Life has to be lived – each moment is to be celebrated and you must be happy every step of the way! When something or someone pins you down and makes you lonely, sad or unhappy, either get it or them out of the way or you get out of the way yourself! Simple!!

Whistle-Podu for Chennai and her people!

Sometimes words cannot describe the pristine human spirit at work.    

Photo Courtesy: Internet

As Chennai goes through a disastrous phase of dealing with a calamity of apocalyptical proportions, some of the images and updates that are coming via social media are so heart-warming. People are helping each other – food, clothing and emergency medicines are being arranged. Strangers are chatting each other up. There is so much damage, so much loss, so much gloom with so much water flooding the city – yet the streets are full of inspiring, touching gestures and stories.

Photo Courtesy: Internet

A young man on a two-wheeler offered to take me around the block just so that I could see how we could get some food to an elderly couple. I hear people are sharing their wi-fi passwords freely so that families can be in touch with their loved ones – the telecom network has sputtered to a stop. But internet connectivity, particularly through BSNL, is still on. A neighbor has cooked hot meals for stranded people and is busy going around in a truck distributing it.

My good friends Divya Srinivasan and Koushik Udayashanker have taken it upon themselves to go around comforting animals – street dogs and cats in particular, who are startled, frightened and hungry. And the young team of founders from The Postbox, Nikhil Joseph and Madhuvanthi Senthilkumar, are doing phenomenal networking on social media - connecting people, supplies and relief operations! I can’t find words to describe their compassion.

Vishal & Monika

For our part, last evening we took in a young couple, Monika and Vishal, whose home got flooded. We didn’t know them – we were tagged by a friend, whose friend’s friend knows them! Talk of the power of social media!

A lady with a Karnataka registration plate on her car was told by a gas station attendant this: “We are sorry you are having to experience our city like this. We hope you will be back when our city is on its feet again!”

There are so many, many, many more stories. This is a city of over 6 million people. And there may be that many stories out there today. I have no words to express how I feel just now. But I still have one word for Chennai and its people today! In typical ‘namma’ Chennai lingo: Whistle-Podu! 

If you want Nature to be kind to you, start by being compassionate to her

Be compassionate to Mother Nature. Because she is the reason why we are.   

Yesterday evening, when driving into Chennai, through the blinding rain, it just occurred to me that if Nature has struck back, it is only because we have been inconsiderate, irresponsible and reckless – as individuals and as people. Chennai’s been battered with seasonal rains, of a fury that has been not been seen so far – in at least a 100 years. I belong to this city. I was born and raised for most parts here. I have leave here 20 years on the trot. I have not seen rains like this in my lifetime – in 48 years!

Picture Courtesy: Outlook/Internet

And the reason – individual greed, lousy urban planning, poor civic administration and government’s lack of vision apart – is that we, as a people, are irreverent to Mother Nature. As my friend Sruti Harihara Subramanian posted on Facebook: “Mother Earth is angry. Let us go back to worshiping her and begging for her forgiveness. Let us promise to be tender and kind to her and no more take her for granted.” You can’t but agree with Sruti’s perspective.

Of course, when the rains stop and the floods recede, in a matter of weeks, when the blame game begins only to be drowned in the next big crisis, this episode, albeit historic, of Nature’s fury will also be forgotten. Sadly.

But there’s an opportunity here. Can we make a small beginning by being compassionate towards Nature? Reuse. Recycle. Save water. Save power. Plant a tree on your birthday or wedding anniversary. Send out positive energy through your daily prayers – thank Nature for all that you have been bestowed! Only when more of us do this, consistently, we can hope for Nature’s continued compassion. Only then can we hope to leave a better planet for our children to live in!  

“Laugh at Life, at your situation and at yourself!”

‘The Happiness Road’ is a weekly Series on this Blog that appears on Sundays where I share my conversations with people while exploring their idea of happiness!

This Sunday it’s a blessing to be featuring Manohar Devadoss, Chennai’s iconic artist, author and story-teller!!

Being Manohar Devadoss is not easy.

He’s 79 now. And blind.

Manohar & Mahema Devadoss at their Wedding
December 30, 1963
Photo Courtesy: Manohar Devadoss

He was married to his love Mahema for 45 years. She passed away in 2008. Of these 45 years, Mahema was a quadriplegic – devastated by an accident in December 1972 – for 35 years. And Mano, who began to have progressive, degenerative eyesight around then – leading eventually to total blindness – cared for Mahema for all those 35 years. If Shahjahan built the Taj Mahal for his beloved, Mano ensured – though his love for her, his compassion, his practical thinking, his toiling – that Mahema lived through those 35 years, unable to use her limbs, without a single bedsore! He also anchored himself to stay strong, alongside Mahema, as they raised their beautiful daughter Sujatha in the midst of their individual, physically debilitating, conditions.

Temple Chariot
by Manohar Devadoss

Manohar & Mahema Devadoss
"A Quiet Courage"
Photo Courtesy: Manohar Devadoss

Despite such a challenged Life, spanning over 50 years, Mano has immersed himself in his art – he has drawn sketches of several temples and chronicled the architecture of his favorite city Madurai; his ink drawings on a heritage series of greeting cards are still a huge draw! And he has written books – two on Madurai and several oh Mahema. Most important, he has always been not just resilient, but has been – and is – happy. You will never find Mano “moping and mourning”. You will only find him smiling beneath his thick moustache, from ear to ear, as he gives you his fullest attention, even while not being able to see you.

Which is why I say, being Manohar Devadoss is not easy.

I ask him how he makes a lifetime’s hard work of accepting and living with adversity so easy – so inspiring.

He replies, “I am not sure my Life is inspiring. I have never tried to be inspiring. I have only tried to live with the way my Life has been. Perhaps, I have this natural flair to laugh at things that normally make you sad. Bringing in humor is a wonderful way to cope with a tough situation. Laughing at yourself and Life helps.”

Manohar & Mahema Devadoss
Photo Courtesy: Manohar Devadoss

Sure. One should learn laughing at oneself from Mano! On their 36^th wedding anniversary, on December 27^th, 1999, Mano gifted Mahema and himself a pair of rusted dumbbells. When Mahema looked on quizzically, Mano said, “You weigh like a sack of potatoes. My back is giving up. In order to lift and move you several times in a day, I need to strengthen my biceps. So, I thought this would be the best gift for us.” He recalls Mahema laughing unstoppably! But Mano went to work on his biceps – working over 700 lifts of the 12.5 kilo dumbbells daily! Result: during the next 9 years that Mahema was alive, Mano never had a back problem!! He says, “Here was a situation. Mahema was unable to move. I was unable to see. But I needed to make sure she was moved around painlessly. I was past 60 – not exactly young – and with a back condition. I had to think practically. I had to find a creative way to stay fit. Besides, working out is a happier way of dealing with a challenge than complaining about a bad back!”  “In fact, later on, I would remark to Mahema that she wasn’t weighing like a sack of potatoes anymore, she weighed just as much as a basket of flowers would!” he adds, laughing heartily.

Manohar Devadoss
Photo by Vaani Anand

It’s hard for me to describe what I feel for the man in front of me. He’s personally tossed up a special salad – with lettuce and walnuts in a fresh home-made mayo dressing – that he calls “Tulsania”. He’s gone to the grocer’s in the morning to shop for the salad. He insists that his helper at home whips up an apple milk shake – “with very little added sugar” – for Vaani and me. Looking at the way he is, the way he cares for you, the way he goes about his Life, you can’t say this man’s been through so much. He’s seen so much pain, so much stress, so much constraint, all through his Life. And yet he has the ability to laugh? So truly, genuinely, happily? I conclude that I don’t feel sorry for him. I feel love. I feel compassion.

The Tulsiana that Mano tossed up
Photo by AVIS Viswanathan

His daughter Sujatha lives with her husband and children – he is an American diplomat and so is always serving in another part of the world. Mano lives alone in their Santhome home in Chennai. Vaani is curious to know how Mano copes on a daily basis – now that Mahema is not with him anymore. Mano replies, “It was difficult. But then I feel Mahema’s presence. She is always there with me. I work on the endowments we set up to keep her memory alive, I write books celebrating her Life, I create art which sells and the proceeds go to support causes. You know, when Life has a Purpose, it is easy to deal with Life. Mahema taught me this. I live by this principle to keep myself going, happy and living in the moment.”  

Any fears, any insecurities? “Honestly, I try not to think of the future. Yes, but surely I don’t wish I have a paralytic stroke or something, especially at my age, with my eyesight being nil, I don’t want to cause any problems for people around me. I live each day as it comes. Ask me about today and I can tell you how I am feeling, how I am coping. But I can never say anything about tomorrow, nobody can.”

Mano’s Life is not just inspiring. It is awe-inspiring. You will not find Mano philosophical. You will not find him preachy. You will not find him extra-ordinary. You will not find him depressed – never. He’s the perfect embodiment of Zen which teaches us to live Life simply accepting what is – “when hungry eat, when tired sleep”.

That’s why I say, being Manohar Devadoss is not easy. But through the way he has lived his Life he shows us that being happy is easy. Mano’s secret of happiness could possibly be this – accept the situation, think practically, be creative and laugh – at Life, at your situation and at yourself!

Listen more about Mano and Mahema Devadoss’ beautiful Life in this audiobook, “A Quiet Courage”, by Charkha Books here - http://www.flipkart.com/quiet-courage-english/p/itmddg38um4zra4g

One of Mano’s books on Madurai is available here: http://www.amazon.com/Multiple-Facets-Madurai-Manohar-Devadoss/dp/8188661627

What I learnt from Tenzin Gyatso: “Stay Humble, Stay Happy, Stay Human”

Every once in a while, someone will come into your Life and make you sit up and appreciate the value of being human – and being happy.

On my Life’s journey I have met a few people who have had a profound impact on my outlook to Life and have inspired me to be happy. But this morning at the Extra Mural Lecture Series at IIT-Madras, The XIVth Dalai Lama, Tenzin Gyatso, invited me to look at Life and happiness afresh.

He raised the pitch and perspective to a higher-than-30,000-ft-level saying each of us has a responsibility to make this Century, the 21^st Century, the Century of Happiness. And even as he delivered this profound message, he ensured that he gently, beautifully, stirred your soul and made you realize that the real purpose of your creation – and mine – is to be happy!

Tenzin Gyatso: The XIVth Dalai Lama
Picture Courtesy: TIME/Internet

The Dalai Lama began by simply being who he is – he is simplicity personified. He picked up an apple, from a fruit basket that had been given to him by IIT-M Director Prof. Bhaskar Ramamurthi as a welcome gesture, and kept chomping on it all through his lecture. He said, “I prefer informality. I prefer all of us treating each other as humans. That way there is equality. You know, the moment I start looking at myself as a Tibetan or as a Buddhist monk, then I begin to treat myself with exclusivity. And let me tell you if I start referring to myself as The Dalai Lama – I am the only Dalai Lama in the world which has over 7 billion people – then it gets very lonely. So, I am just another human being like you. I like it this way. This is when we can have a conversation – you and me!”

He made a very strong case for humanity and happiness. He said that all humans, intrinsically, basically, are compassionate. And all human beings want a happy Life – and they have a right to be happy! All destructive emotions – anger, hatred, fear – are secondary. They arise in people only when their idea of happiness is disturbed. Each individual, he pointed out, has a responsibility: to go back to the basic human state of compassion, to have a vision to make this world happier and to develop the patience to attain this vision. “But it is a personal choice,” he reiterated, adding, “That is why the Buddha said, ‘You are your own Master.’ Your happiness is in your hands and in your actions – mental, verbal and physical actions. So, you can go to work on what I have shared with you or you can drop it.”

Tenzin Gyatso: The XIVth Dalai Lama
Picture Courtesy: TIME/Internet

He made us pause and think of religion and its role and purpose. He patiently elucidated what the various religions are trying to say. He led us to understand that each religion, and the multiple philosophies professed by each religion, may appear to be different. But ultimately all of them are promoting human well-being and happiness. Again, he championed that it was an individual responsibility for each of us to stay focused on the bigger picture of what each religion was striving to achieve. “The true meaning of secular is to respect all religions and their followers and respect all those who are non-believers (in religion) too. It is our responsibility to work towards religious harmony among the world’s people. That’s my commitment,” he said.

At 80, The Dalai Lama lives and leads his Life’s message from the front. Not in his spiritual role. Not in its political avatar. To me, he has relinquished both. The political mandate he gave up in September 2011 when he retired from the Central Tibetan Administration. And he is hardly interested in continuing in the spiritual role either, of being a reincarnation of Avalokitesvara – the Boddhisattva of Compassion. In an interview he gave a German newspaper in September 2014, The Dalai Lama has indicated that he is not keen on the tradition of the Dalai Lama, which has stayed for over 5 centuries, continuing any longer. In fact, he spoke about it briefly this morning too. “Even the Dalai Lama institution has become feudal over the years. It’s time for change. Which is why, I prefer dealing with people at a human level not as a reincarnation of Avalokitesvara,” he said.

My family and I – who are together for the first time in 8 years for Diwali – could not have found a more enriching experience on a Diwali morning! Just being in the presence of the man is such a blessing. Here’s someone who has stripped himself of all the trappings of power and exclusivity and has gone to the root of human existence to promote compassion and happiness among the world’s people. I don’t know of too many statesmen and global leaders who have been able to do that or are doing that. Which is why, perhaps, over 3000 of us in the audience at the Student Activities Centre at IIT-M clung on to his every word, having chosen to pause our Diwali celebrations.

They call him ‘His Holiness’. But I won’t call him so. As he chomped on his apple, and kept repeating how delicious it was, he taught us the value of being humble, being happy and being human. To me, therefore, Tenzin Gyatso is just a happy, humble, human being! And so he inspires me to be one myself! 

Look up from your ‘busyness’ to see the beauty in each moment

Stand, stare, pause, reflect…slow down and soak in Life. Don’t keep running, with no time to stop and smell the roses, as if Life were a race.

Hari and his friend

Yesterday, on our morning walk we saw a milkman feeding a stray cat. We paused and asked him why he was doing that. He beamed a big smile, said hello, introduced himself as Hari, and explained, “I just found her hanging around this neighborhood everyday as I made my deliveries. One day I offered her some milk. And since then we have become good friends. She comes by whenever I am here. I enjoy seeing her and feeding her. Poor thing, all she needs is some care and milk!”

Hari’s random act of kindness is so inspiring. It made me think. How often do we do something like that – which is to pause and care for someone who does not have anything to offer us in return?

Further down our walking route, my wife Vaani, an ardent lover of nature, birds, flowers and, in fact, of Life itself, pointed to a tall tree and its fall colors. I looked up, Indeed the patterns that the morning light was weaving through the leaves uplifted their colors. Vaani, who schooled at Rishi Valley, where her parents were teachers, said J.Krishnamurti (the philosopher who lived between 1895 and 1986; he founded the Rishi Valley School and The Krishnamurti Foundation) taught her, and her sister, “the value of mindfulness and observation”.

It’s been 28 years since I have known Vaani. Initially, I could never understand why she always got so excited when she saw a tree or a bird or a flower. But over the last decade or so, ever since I was forcibly evicted from the rat race – thankfully, mercifully – I have also learned to pause, observe and reflect. I have learnt to appreciate Life better by slowing down. There’s great beauty in each moment, I realize now, provided you look up from your ‘busyness’!  

Besides, beneath all the chaos and grime that hold a big city in a stranglehold, there are still ordinary folks like Hari who teach us how to be compassionate and there are people like Vaani who remind us that it is possible to find beauty in the most unexpected of places.

The greatest wealth in Life is be able to enjoy the gift of this lifetime. In trying harder to run faster to get to a destination you think is your ultimate one, you are missing out on the scenery and the opportunity that each moment is offering you. I am reminded of W.H.Davies’ (1871 ~ 1940) poem Leisure. What he wrote back then is still so, so, relevant: “A poor Life this if, full of care, we have no time to stand and stare.”

You are truly blessed if you have genuine folks in your Life

There’s more to Life than money. If you look around you, the most genuine people are those who truly care for who you are and not what, or how much, you have.

Yesterday we were invited to a Tarot card reading session by one of our friends. At the end of the reading, which was conducted by our friend’s friend – someone who we didn’t know at all – when we asked to be allowed to pay for the professional charges, our friend told us that there wouldn’t be any charges. She said: “Sometimes we are guided to not charge some of our guests by our Masters and guides. Both my friend and I received the same ‘instructions’. So there wouldn’t be any charges. It is the Universe reaching out and blessing you!” Both my wife and I were moved by this gesture of compassion. Our friend, and her friend, need not have been so genuine. But they chose to be who they are. It is people like them who make the world so beautiful and Life worth living and looking forward to.

Vaani and I have found this to be true of all people who are genuine. They are ever so willing to trust you, help you and be there for you – unconditionally and often without you even asking for their support.

I remember one afternoon, three years ago, I was sitting in a café and working on the manuscript of my Book – “Fall Like A Rose Petal – A father’s lessons on how to be happy and content while living without money” (Westland, August 2014). I didn’t have much money on me. Just enough to have a green tea. I had ordered one and was writing feverishly on my laptop. It was well past lunch time. I was hungry but I did not have either the money to order lunch nor did I have money to go home (in an autorickshaw) and come back to resume my writing. Suddenly, a waiter brought me a soup and some carrot cake; when I expressed surprise, he pointed in the direction of another table where a friend was seated (we had smiled and greeted each other from a distance) until a while ago. My friend had apparently paid for my meal before leaving and requested that I be served. I was humbled. I wept as I ate my meal and as I thanked this friend over SMS.

We have found that for each person who does not trust us, or does not believe that we are going through a serious situation, there are several hundreds more – both friends and often times rank strangers – who are willing to help us with their compassion and understanding. We have come to realize that Life is not about what you own or how much you have. Your true wealth, which none can take away from you, is about how many of the people you know are genuine folks. And to have them in your Life is, to quote my Tarot reader friend, a big, big blessing!

Wear your Life on your sleeve

Don’t worry about being vulnerable. Share openly. Bare yourself. Believe me, there are more people out there who are wanting and willing to help, than those who you fear may want to exploit you.

Today, August 1, 2015, marks the first anniversary of the launch of my Book – “Fall Like A Rose Petal – A father’s lessons on how to be happy and content while living without money” (Westland, August 2014). A reader who walked up to me at the Odyssey bookstore the other day had this to say: “Thanks for writing the Book. What you shared made so much sense to me, as it will to many, many others. But you have shared so openly. You have been brutally honest. Don’t you feel vulnerable? Didn’t you think you will be judged? Don’t you feel insecure that your story, and its stark details will lead to people taking you for granted or even exploiting you?” I feel my reader’s point of view is founded on how we believe the world we live in is. This is how most of us see ourselves and the people around us. We imagine we are vulnerable and that the world is full of hawk-like people who want to exploit our vulnerability. From my experience though, I want to tell everyone – as I told this 

reader – that we are totally, totally, wrong if we hold that view.

Sharing makes people relate to you and your story. Sharing makes you draw on and gain from the positive energy that people around you are offering you. Sharing makes you realize that, not just you, but everyone out there is dealing with a situation – you can learn from them and they can learn from you. No one has exploited me or my wife Vaani because we have laid bare our Life in my Book or in my Talks or through Events we conduct to promote the idea that you can be happy despite your circumstances.

Several months ago, Vaani and I were summoned to appear in a court in another state. The law of that state stipulates that in a criminal complaint, such as the one against us, the “accused” must be remanded in custody immediately upon appearance. Of course, a judge hearing the matter, can grant bail to the accused against furnishing of relevant sureties. The judge who was hearing our matter was known to have a very inflexible outlook to matters relating to cheque bounces (such as the one we were accused of) and other economic offences. He always preferred leaning in favor of the complainant and encouraged parties to settle out of court – immediately – to reduce the workload on his already overloaded court. Now, we had no money. So, we could not take the out-of-court settlement route. This meant, per our lawyer, that Vaani and I would both be remanded into custody if we were to go by the judge’s approach to such matters. However, our lawyer, a 75-year-old patriarchal figure, agreed to make a plea for us to be granted bail upon appearance in court.

The judge heard our lawyer’s passionate plea. But rejected the appeal summarily. He then looked at Vaani and me, who were standing in the dock as “accused”, and said, “See, non-payment of monies due to a party can be construed as cheating. It is a serious offence. You have to make arrangements and make a commitment to this court as to when you can pay this party if you want bail.” Vaani and I looked at each other helplessly. And then looked remorsefully at the judge. I spoke: “Sir, we don’t have the money. And without the money, we don’t wish to make the commitment. I have only one request – my wife’s father is very ill (he indeed was in hospital at that time). She needs to be by his side. So, please grant her bail so that she can return to Chennai.” The judge did not reply. He looked at us sternly. He then looked at his watch, adjourned the court for lunch and advised me and my lawyer to see him in his chamber. In a few minutes we were with him in his chamber. He asked me to tell our story in 5 minutes. I took exactly that time and told him how we were in a dark abyss, with no way out in sight. I said it would be both impossible and incorrect to commit to any repayment to anyone until we were first able to find work that helped us survive and then find more work that will help us repay. The judge did not say anything. He asked us to appear in court in the afternoon. When the court resumed, he granted us both bail!

Vaani and I have found, again and again, that behind every person in power or authority, in fact behind every face, there is a beating heart and a personal story. People may not be willing to immediately share their stories just because you share yours. But they can relate to your story. Their relating to you and your story makes them compassionate. This is what the “milk of human kindness” is all about. So, we have never felt vulnerable or cheated or exploited. We have always found ourselves being understood and cared for. Yes, there have been – and continue to be – a few who judge us and refuse to trust us. But I believe even they can’t exploit us. Because when you lay yourself bare, there is nothing anyone can do to you anymore.

Wear your Life on your sleeve. Be honest. Share. Only then can you see what a beautiful world this is – full of kind, caring, compassionate folks! 

Everything is in your control when you realize that nothing’s in your control.

Let’s try and accept a simple truth that we can never be in control of what happens to us or of what people around us do. Much of our frustration with Life comes from trying to control everything and everyone around us. What we have control over is how we respond to situations and not really in the way the situations themselves occur! When we live our lives as if we are just witnesses, observers, we will be perpetually happy.

Osho, the Master, tells the story of the Buddha. The Buddha was passing through a village. The people of that village were against him, against his philosophy, so they gathered around him to insult him. They used ugly words, vulgar words. The Buddha listened. Ananda, the Buddha’s disciple, who was with him, got very angry, but he couldn’t say anything because the Buddha was listening so silently, so patiently, rather as if he was enjoying the whole thing. Then even the crowd became a little frustrated because he was not getting irritated and it seemed as if he was enjoying. The Buddha said, "Now, if you are finished, I should move – because I have to reach the other village soon. They must be waiting just as you were waiting for me. If you have not told me all the things that you thought to tell me, I will be coming back within a few days, then you can finish it.” Somebody from the crowd said, "But we have been insulting you, we have insulted you. Won’t you react? Won’t you say something?” The Buddha said, "That is difficult. If you want a reaction from me, then you are too late. You should have come at least ten years ago, because then I used to react. But I am now no longer so foolish. I see that you are angry, that’s why you are insulting me. I see your anger, the fire burning in your mind. I feel compassion for you. This is my response – I feel compassion for you. Unnecessarily you are troubled."

So beautiful, isn't it? Another's thoughts and actions are not in your control. What happens to you in Life is not in your control. When you awaken to this reality, you discover that you are in control ONLY of yourself! From that clarity, bliss is born! Then everything that matters fills your Life__love, peace, good health and joy!

The God you seek is in you, in me, among us …

Let’s stop seeking God, searching for God, hoping, in vain, to find God, outside of us. Know that we won’t find God there. Because the God we are looking for is within us__in you and in me.

There’s this parable of God calling his or her council of advisors, after creating humankind, and conferring with them on where God should be based, so that human beings may reach out in times of distress and need. There was a pre-condition that God stipulated though. That God must be within immediate reach and yet not so overtly visible. The first wise advisor said, “God, you must be behind the farthest star. There humankind will not find you.” “Not so,” said the second wise advisor, “One day human beings will learn to fly and then they will find you God. Hide yourself God, I say, on the floor of the sea and they will never find you.” “Not so,” said the third wise advisor, “One day the people will learn to swim and they will swim to the bottom of the ocean and then they will find you God. Rather, hide yourself God in the everyday lives of the people. No one will immediately know you are there. And yet, when they do need you, they can always find you within them, among them.” And so, God did precisely this. God hid among the people.

This is not so much a parable as it is a truth. But we don’t and won’t believe in this too easily. Because we have been fed an overdose of evidence of God being an external source of energy and creation, of God being an “outside presence” in our lives. We have been brought up to believe that God must be feared. And so we fear an external retribution rather than feel conscientiously the energy of all creation within us. God must not be feared. God must be understood as being you, as your true Self. It was the famous Polish-French physicist-chemist known for her pioneering work on radioactivity, Marie Curie (1867 ~ 1934) who said, “Nothing in Life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.” So it is true too about God. To know God, fear less and understand more.

Kamal Haasan, renowned Indian actor and a genius in thought and expression, captured his philosophy of the God in us, in his beautiful 2003 movie ‘Anbe Sivam’ (meaning ‘Love is God’). In the movie, Kamal Haasan, tells co-actor Madhavan, that the seed of compassion that intrinsically remains embedded in each of us, gets activated when we feel compassionate towards any form of creation. That sense of compassion, boundless love, which flows unhindered, even if it is for a brief while, makes each of us godly! Say, when you feel for a hungry child on the street, or when you say a silent prayer when an ambulance passes you by, or when you read of a natural disaster or accident that has claimed several lives in another part of the world and you feel the urge to reach out and help, these are the times, when you experience your own godliness. If you pay attention to it, if you give that feeling of compassion for another human being more energy, it will stay with you longer. Which is, if you let go of desires pertaining to yourself, and let your entire being relate to serving another form of creation__even if it is immediately unconnected to you__you will know, feel and find the God in you!

Practice magnanimity: receive, embrace and transform hate into love

Don’t fight anyone, any situation in Life, by struggling, suffering and despairing. Feel deeply, practicing magnanimity, to understand the person, the situation, that is causing you distress. You will eventually prevail with love and compassion, than from fighting and engaging in a battle.

There are so many situations that you__and I__have encountered, and are perhaps even now facing, when people have been unkind to us. When they have schemed against us__in business, in families, at work, in the communities we live in__and have gained an upper hand by embracing falsehood and by using dishonest means. We have been devastated by the unfairness of people’s ways. And have become cold, numb and even turned cynical. We have lost trust in all of humanity perhaps too. We are suffering. Each one of us is. At times, it is not just individuals, but Life itself that has been ‘unfair’. A perfect Life has been thrown asunder by a health challenge or a devastating blow has been dealt to you by death snatching away someone that meant everything to you. You have never quite recovered from that tragedy. You are suffering. In either situation, the one caused by people around you, or the one in which Life dealt with you ‘unfairly’, practice magnanimity. Look at the person or situation deeply. Understand why that person is doing what she is doing. The truth is that a mother-in-law who is causing suffering to her daughter-in-law is actually suffering more. Her actions are actually a manifestation of her suffering. A boss who is trampling on his team member’s self-esteem, causing untold misery on the poor professional, is actually suffering more because of his own Life’s experiences. A rapist who outrages the modesty of a young teenager is actually representative of a mind suffering from a huge inferiority complex and craving for attention and love. The one who causes suffering is already suffering. Know that. And understand that if you respond with wanting to retaliate, avenge, fight, with I-will-teach-you-a-lesson attitude, you will only continue this chain of suffering.

Feeling deeply, practicing magnanimity, is what will break this chain. It may seem difficult and impossible. How can I be magnanimous in the face of deceit, dishonesty and a vulgar display of power, you may ask? I am not Gandhi, I am just a human being, you may argue. The truth is Gandhi was also a human being. A mere mortal. So was Jesus. But they did not suffer like you and I do. They ended their suffering by feeling deeply for those who perpetrated inhuman acts against them. When one side stops fighting, the other side HAS TO come on the path of love, awakening and peace. Hate cannot end hate. A fight cannot end a fight. Feeling can, magnanimity can.

The Buddha taught this to his disciple Rahula thus: “There are four great elements__earth, water, fire and air. Learn from them, Rahula. Whether people pour milk or fragrant liquids, deposit flowers or jewels, or pour urine, excrement, and mucus on the earth, the earth receives them without discrimination. Whether people throw into water things that are pure and pleasant or wash in it things of filth and stench, water quietly receives everything, without feelings of pride, attachment, grievance or being humiliated. Fire has the ability to receive and burn all things, including things of filth and stench, without grieving or feeling humiliated. Air has the ability to receive, carry away, and transform all odors, sweet or foul, without pride, attachment, grievance or feeling humiliated. Why? Because the earth, water, fire and air have the capacity to receive, embrace and transform. The earth can receive excrement and urine because it is immense. It transforms them into flowers, grass, and trees. Water has immense embracing capacity, is ever-flowing, and has the ability to receive and transform whatever it takes in. Fire has immense receptivity and the ability to burn and transform whatever people bring to it. Air has immense embracing capacity and the extraordinary faculty of mobility. If you cultivate your heart so that it is open, you can become immense like the earth, water, fire and air, and can embrace anyone or anything without suffering.”

Try responding to a person or situation you are currently grappling with in your Life, with the attitude of the four great elements__earth, water, fire and air. This does not mean that you merely accept, and resign to, a situation that is causing you grief or unhappiness. It means invoking your immense capacity to be magnanimous, to feel deeply, understand and, therefore, transform your current plight into an opportunity for abundant happiness. In fighting, you continue to be unhappy. And suffer. In feeling deeply and embracing with understanding why some people behave the way they do, you become bliss.