The compassionate are the richest people, they make this
world so much better!
A reader, perhaps spurred by the flavor of the
month, Valentine’s, asked me if love is a motivator or is it a responsibility. And
I write this post to share what I know of what true love is.
Let us understand that love is fundamentally an
expression of energy. The lowest form of that energy is when you make love,
have sex; that energy is purely physical. That energy is also called passion.
The next level of that same energy is love, where you go beyond the physical
and feel for the other. There is give and take beyond the physical state in
love and this is what makes people be with each other and thrive. And the third
level of that energy is compassion, when there is something deeply spiritual
that unites two people. And each only wants to be a giver. Each does not expect
anything in return. This is the best and the purest state for a couple to be
in. It may be possible that only the giver may be compassionate and the
receiver may not reciprocate. But the giver goes on giving, with no
expectation, with no complaints. So, the love that we commonly talk about at a
romantic level, is mid-way between passion, plain love-making or sex and the
deeply spiritual compassion.
Pure love is when all the energy in you transcends
the physical, passionate, state, goes beyond the feeling stage and reaches the
giving state, the compassionate state.
Let me share with you the story of my friend, who is
now 50. I met him earlier this week, many years after he had separated from his
wife. His wife actually had dealt with him rather unusually – taking over his
property, deserting him and migrating to the US with their child. While she may
have had her own reasons for her actions, my friend was devastated. He just
could not reconcile, for several months, with what had happened. I remember him
telling me: “I loved her and still love her a lot. She could have just told me
that she wanted to break away from me and I would have walked away without a
question. That she chose not to trust me with her decision hurts me more than
her leaving me. And why deny me access to my own child?”
Over time, my friend immersed himself in his work.
And all of us around him felt he had managed his emotional state pretty well.
When I met him a few days ago, I asked him how he was coping. What he told me
blew me away completely and my admiration for him has swelled. Here’s how the
conversation went.
Me: “So, how are you coping with Life?”
Him: “Life’s beautiful. I married a Kashmiri woman
whose husband died of cancer some years ago and adopted her son as my own.”
Me: “That’s wonderful. How old is the boy? And how
has he adapted to you?”
Him: “The boy is 12 now. It’s been three years. He
calls me ‘daddy’ and we are great friends. My wife and I are also great
friends. To tell you the truth, I have a special and beautiful friendship with
her. After her husband’s death, her in-laws were not supportive. They harassed
her and blamed her for their son’s death (he was diagnosed with cancer within a
few months of their marriage). She even contemplated suicide as she could not
handle them nor get over her loss. She loved her husband a lot and did not see
a meaning in her continuing to live. We have a mutual friend who asked me if I
could consider marrying her so that she could get out of the tyrannical clutches
of her in-laws. When I met her for the first time, she told me openly that she
did not want to ever physically consummate our marriage. Because she still
feels the presence of her husband in her Life. So, she told me that our own
marriage may not work out. I liked her openness. And her concern for me. I told
her we could still marry and be great friends. That’s how it all started and
all three of us are very, very, very happy!”
Me: “That’s such a great choice and gesture. I
respect you. But don’t you miss something: maybe physical intimacy? Maybe your
first wife?”
Him: “Life’s not about sex and physical
relationships alone. I still love my first wife. But she’s gone. What’s the point
in pining for her or holding a grudge against her? I decided to channelize my
love for her and my first child, who’s with her, toward my second wife and her
son. Their presence in my Life keeps me anchored and their friendship keeps me
going.”
Even as I recall this conversation here, I feel
blessed and grateful that my dear friend reiterated for me a learning that’s so
invaluable. Love’s not only about physical intimacy with a partner. There’s a
special friendship that’s possible if you make the effort. And if nurtured, through
sharing, caring and compassion, as in my friend’s case, it can take Life to a
spiritual level, making it beautiful and meaningful!
So, as a
Valentine’s Day message, let’s take away the need to evolve and attain the
state of compassion, when you are only giving, with no expectation of anything
in return.
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