‘Yeh Dosti!’ - Inspirations from the ‘dostana’ between Kamala-Laxman and Shabana-Javed

Friendship over marriage matters in a relationship. This is what will help you journey together with whoever you are in love with!  

Kamala and Laxman
Picture Courtesy: Mid-Day/Internet

I saw a beautiful story in the Times of India (TOI), written by Radha Rajadhyaksha, on the companionship between Kamala and R.K.Laxman, that ended, in a physical sense, with the eminent cartoonist’s passing away, earlier this week. Kamala, now 89, recounts to Radha that Laxman was the first person to see her in her family, when she was born, even ahead of her own mother. She said: “There was a cosmic ring to our relationship. It was meant to be.” “We chose each other,” she reiterated, adding that the friendship bloomed over many summer holidays in her grandfather's Mysore home, where Laxman lived. I am touched – and inspired – that Kamala used the word ‘friendship’ and not ‘relationship’ in describing the way she related to Laxman. 

Shabana and Javed
Picture Courtesy: Internet

In another story I read last week, again in TOI - Bombay Times, renowned lyricist Javed Akhtar told Priya Gupta that his “friendship” with actor Shabana Azmi is so strong that “even marriage could not break it”! “Shabana is basically my friend. We happen to be married. We got married as people thought that you have to be married,” he confessed. I concur with the view expressed by Akhtar here. He’s been married twice – like Laxman was – but feels that it is his friendship with Shabana that has kept their marriage of 30 years going despite the fact that there are times when they differ from each other. He says: “If we are totally similar, then you should not live with a person who is exactly like you as you are enough alone. And if you are totally different, then too, you can't function together. So I think there is a right kind of balance between similarity and dissimilarity between us.” And that balance, as I have learnt from Life, comes from a good, strong friendship with your companion or partner.

I consider my friendship with Vaani, my soulmate, the biggest blessing in my Life. I have talked about how meaningful this friendship has been in a chapter titled ‘Rise In Love’ in my Book “Fall Like A Rose Petal – A father’s lessons on how to be happy and content while learning to live without money” (Westland, August 2014). I have understood that marriage is but a label, an unnecessary and avoidable sense of social security, a crutch that you cling on to. Over time, the crutch cripples you more than it enables or empowers you – especially when two people in a relationship are no longer relating to each other. My question is fairly simple – why do people who can’t relate to each other anymore continue to suffer in a relationship? Is it only to please a decadent society?

There will be so many more happier couples in this world if people simply chose to be with their best friends instead of getting married to people for the sake of family or society or both. Almost everyone has or has had a best friend – someone who you can trust, someone who is a critic, who holds a mirror, someone who you can fall back on, someone who is always there for you. If this person can be your companion for Life, as Vaani is to me, great. But if this has not happened, and you believe it can now happen, just go for it. Don’t think too much. Don’t hesitate. It is important, no matter what, to be happy in Life. If someone can contribute to your happiness, choose that person over everyone else. Because as you grow older, you will not just need someone to hold your hand, you will yearn for someone who can hold your heart. You will believe in wanting to create memories and not just assets. You will want to have inspiring, meaningful conversations and not just sex. You will want to celebrate each moment being with each other and not just an anniversary or birthday gifting each other some “thing”. For all these reasons and more don’t you think it makes more sense being with a friend than just a “legally acceptable” spouse? 

Forgiveness is an evolutionary process

While forgiveness is the ‘right’ thing to do, everyone struggles with it. You can avoid the struggle by considering the value forgiving someone brings you – it frees you from all the suffering.

I read a recent interview that author Chetan Bhagat gave ‘Bombay Times’. He talks about the turbulent relationship he has had with his father to Priya Gupta: “I felt he was not fair to my mother. Maybe, it was a result of his own inner frustrations, but he would not give her freedom and I had to write ‘2 States’ a) to understand where my father was coming from and b) to forgive him. It was difficult for me to forgive him, but ‘2 States’ helped me forgive my father. He lives in Delhi and I rarely meet him. I last met him at a family function two years back. Even if (I have) not forgiven (him) completely, there is no anger in me today and at least I have reached a stage of indifference. I am still working on it.” I can relate to what Bhagat is experiencing. I have been through exactly the same feelings in a few of my close relationships – forgiving is indeed difficult. But when you do forgive someone, it sets you – and them -  free!

What we need to understand about forgiveness is that it is not necessarily something that can always happen in a nanosecond. In most cases, it happens over time and through “waves of awareness”. The need for forgiveness arises primarily when you have been wronged or you feel you have been wronged. Since the issue begins with who’s right and who’s wrong it really is about gamesmanship between two, often unrelenting, egos. Then there’s enormous hurt to deal with – you keep wondering why you have been treated this way by the other person. Your asking why only makes the situation worse. Whatever has happened has happened; someone’s hurt you. Asking why, and seeking remedy or an apology or even an explanation – none of which is normally forthcoming – causes all your suffering. To really forgive someone you must cross all these barriers. You can do that only when you are “aware” that Life is too short to carry the burden of anger, hurt and grief. You, of course, know this truth about Life, but when you are hurt, you are simply not conscious about it. This awareness takes time evolving. But you can make a beginning by understanding that forgiving someone does not mean condoning their actions, behaviors or mistakes. It really means that you recognize and accept that they are human too and are therefore prone to making mistakes. Next, when you forgive, forgive unconditionally. Don’t sit in judgment of whether someone deserves to be forgiven or not. What is important is that you need to forgive for you to stop suffering, for your hurt to heal. Third, when, despite your forgiving, you find that someone is not sorry, don’t agonize. That’s their problem. Remember that when you have an expectation over someone else’s behavior, you will be the one to suffer when your expectation is not met. So, why invite agony? Finally, forgiveness does not mean you will be comfortable in the person’s presence or when you think about that person. This is particularly relevant to remember in close relationships where you cannot avoid interactions completely. What forgiveness does is it takes away the sting, it draws out your anger and, as Bhagat explains, it helps you to stay unmoved and indifferent.  

I have learnt from Life that every instance that involves someone hurting me has only led me to grow wiser and stronger. Until I learnt to forgive I would be bitter from such experiences. I now realize that while some episodes cannot be forgotten, forgiving is best in everyone’s interest. It have found that it makes me feel lighter and stay positive.

Today, as any other, is a good day to forgive anyone who’s hurt you or even yourself for what you may have done. Think of forgiveness as an evolutionary process. And go through it. Taste the freedom it brings you. It’s bliss.