Why faith in relationships is over-rated

The best way to have wonderful relationships is to do two things: never expect anything from it or from the other person and always respect the other person’s choice.

When we expect someone to be what we want them to be, we are not respecting the person as a special, unique individual. Where expectation comes, respect goes out, and agony comes in! Much of the problem in marital or personal relationships is because there is an expectation of faithfulness. While it is important that deceit or cheating must be avoided in any relationship – so honest, open conversations are always the best way forward in such situations – the nature of the expectation of faithfulness is an indicator that we have stopped respecting the other person. To be faithful cannot mean living someone else's Life. Or you cannot insist that someone live their Life as you want them to for you to be able to call them faithful. To be faithful means to be true to yourself, first doing what you want to do as long as it will not harm anyone else. When all people in a relationship are true to themselves, and don't harm each other, a harmonious environment is born that respects each individual in it. That's when relationships become meaningful and stand the test of time.

Osho, the Master, argues this perspective immensely well: "Who are you to demand faith from anyone else? Demanding faith is like demanding slavery. There's a misconception in people that love must be permanent. Only stones are permanent. To ask for faith is wrong. There was a season__the spring, the faith, the love arose in you. You did not create it. It was just a happening. Just like a breeze it comes and just like a breeze it goes. When it comes, rejoice. And when it goes, say good-bye. Millions of couples in the world know there's no love between them anymore. But for the sake of society, reputation, for respectability, they go on pretending they love each other. This pretension is the real sin, the real crime."

This is not to conclude however that love cannot be eternal between people. It can, as long as there is respect for the other person and there are no expectations, while being true to yourself first in the relationship.

Reflections on Life, love and loving on a 27th Anniversary!

Companionship makes this short journey called Life beautiful!

Faqt Char Din Ki Zindagi Hai Yeh, Mere Humdum

Kisi Ko Saath Le Lena, Kisi Ke Saath Chal Dena

      -  Nida Fazli, Urdu Poet, 1938 ~ 2016

Today is my wedding anniversary with Vaani! 27 years may seem like a long time. But for Vaani and me, it is not.

Vaani & AVIS: 1988

For us, since we met in October 1987, these 28+ years of knowing each other and 27 years of living together, have always been a ‘happening’ time. It is always in the present continuous. The first meeting, the first date, the first gift, the first touch...none of these is an event of the past or a distant memory…everything seems like it is still happening to us. And that, I believe, is an incredible blessing!

Indeed, finding love in Life is a blessing. Loving someone is not about marrying that person. It is not about providing and protecting. It is about a special friendship. It is about being there, no matter what happens. In the initial years of knowing each other, when Vaani and I were much younger, our physical presence with each other surely mattered a lot. We have kissed each other on public transport and have waited long spells for the other to join at meal times. I remember on my first overseas trip, to Tokyo in 1991, in an era when there was no WhatsApp or Facebook, I wept like a baby while calling Vaani over phone; I was missing her a lot. With the years going by, I am delighted to share, that intensity of longing and belonging has not diminished even a wee bit. Yet, we seem to have transcended the physicality of our relationship. We have blended, and remain, as soul-mates.

Vaani & AVIS: 2008

To be sure, the past decade has been tumultuous for us as a family and as a couple. Everything material has been taken away from us – work, business, money, gadgets, cars, gold jewelery, investments, insurance….everything that we once owned has gone away. We haven’t even been able to buy each other anniversary gifts – something that’s considered normal and customary – these past few years, and this year too, because we can’t afford them! Yet, despite the excruciating circumstances of a painful bankruptcy, between spells of pennilessness and those few times of finding some work, or money, to keep our nose above water, we have learnt to count on each other’s strength. That strength, to me, is the key to our special friendship, to our companionship.

Labels such as spouse are restrictive – there’s an unnecessary social and legal context that they bring along. Companionship requires no approval or consent. To me Vaani is my best friend. Someone who, I know, will be there no matter what I do or how I look. And I am sure Vaani feels for me the same way too. Even so, it is not as if we don’t disagree or critique each other. We do. I have taken liberties with her – thrown stuff around the house in bouts of frustration or have sulked at times when I have not been able to solve or address the problems that we are faced with. But Vaani’s style of leadership has been very empowering. She has always given me the time and space to sort myself out. I am a year+ younger than she is, but she treats me like an equal. And that’s what good friendship is all about, isn’t it? We have followed a simple, unstated, principle all these years: we never tell each other ‘I told you so!’ Which is, we may differ on approaches and views, but when we move forward, we are together in it. We don’t display any one-upmanship or indulge in blame games. That’s how we have been able to face what Life has thrown at us, that’s how we have hung on to each other on this incredible roller-coaster that we are on (much of it is chronicled in my Book ‘Fall Like A Rose Petal’/Westland, 2014; and in this film ‘Rise In Love’).

Vaani & AVIS: 2011

When I see so many relationships struggling around us, I feel that people are missing the companionship, that once was, between them. People drift apart from each other after falling in love and getting married because they have this tendency to subconsciously compartmentalize their lives – one part that was before the marriage and the other part that is after the marriage. So, in essence, the event of a marriage places a full stop; it pronounces the end of one phase of the relationship and begins another. This full stop is totally unnecessary. The truth about Life is that everything new, over time, will start seeming and feeling old. In the upheavals of everyday Life, therefore, romance does receive lower priority because the courtship is over, the marriage is done, dusted – and in some cases, sadly, dead too. That’s precisely why people who fall in love, fall out of love too. But what if you were to imagine that the marriage never took place? Won’t the loving be continuous then? That’s the way Vaani and I treat our Life – we married to fulfil social requirements, period. But we never see our marriage as a defining, epochal event. So, our companionship thrives; so, our loving is ongoing, it is flowing.

The key to great companionship is to never let marriage take the center stage. Treat marriage, if at all you must marry, like just another date in your courtship calendar. Then the journey together, no matter what the circumstances you both are faced with, will be a continuous, never-ending celebration!

If you are lonely in each other’s presence, it’s probably best to separate!

Loneliness is a virtue if you are alone, a learning if you are in a crowd and a curse if you experience it in a relationship – particularly in a marriage!

Someone who read my recent blogpost on Bajirao Mastani (http://avisviswanathan.blogspot.in/2015/12/what-we-can-learn-from-kashibai-about.html) shared her perspective: “I don’t think Kashibai deserves to be deified for her choice of separating from Bajirao. Perhaps, she was uninteresting and very traditional, housewife-ish? Perhaps Bajirao found Mastani very refreshing, vibrant, oozing mohabbat from every pore…perhaps the trappings of being a Peshwa and being bound to tradition – wife, kingdom, mother, army – shackled Bajirao and he just wanted to break free? And Mastani’s offer to be his companion gave him that exit route?”

Hmmm….! In the absence of the real Bajirao, the real Kashibai and the real Mastani, you can’t entirely disagree with this reader’s point of view. Besides, if that is what drove Bajirao go with Mastani, nothing wrong with it at all. It is definitely a better choice than being lonely in a marriage – which, interestingly, leaves your spouse lonely too! In the movie The Lunchbox (Ritesh Batra, 2013), Lillete Dubey, who plays Illa’s (Nimrat Kaur) mother, poignantly alludes to how lonely – and dreary and traumatic – her Life has been until her husband’s passing away. In fact, she confesses, not in a grief-stricken state of stupor, but in a moment of absolute clarity, that all she really wants to do, to perhaps celebrate her new freedom, is to eat parathas! The reference to parathas is purely figurative. It could be anything that you love doing - anything except feeling lonely in a relationship, anything except suffering alone, anything except being shackled!

A marriage is nothing but an arrangement, equivalent of a business contract. If, for whatever reason, it doesn’t work out, the arrangement must be dissolved. There’s nothing to grieve about, feel sorry for or berate when a marriage fails. A marriage fails because the two people in it have stopped looking forward to each other. They can’t relate to each other anymore. They are lonely in each other’s presence. How much more banal and painful can it get? When you put up with loneliness of this kind in a relationship the entire responsibility of your suffering is yours. Remember: you have a choice. And that choice is to opt out.

I am not trying to suggest that all of us must break away from our marriages. All I am saying is that if you are unhappy, lonely and suffering in a marriage – or any relationship – exercise your choice to break free. The brutal truth is none of us has too much time left here. This Life has to be lived – each moment is to be celebrated and you must be happy every step of the way! When something or someone pins you down and makes you lonely, sad or unhappy, either get it or them out of the way or you get out of the way yourself! Simple!!

What we can learn from Kashibai about relating and relationships

Don’t cling on to any relationship that makes you unhappy. Just step out and free yourself!

I watched Sanjay Leela Bhansali’s (SLB) epic historical Bajirao Mastani earlier this week. True to SLB’s style it is awe-inspiring for its grandeur, finesse and story-telling. The film recounts, with some cinematic liberties taken, the story of Bajirao I (played brilliantly by Ranveer Singh), the Peshwa (Prime Minister) of the Maratha empire, between 1720 and 1740. In this time, while on the one hand Bajirao leads the expansion of the Maratha empire across the North, South and East of India, he takes Mastani (an amazing performance by Deepika Padukone), the daughter of the King of Bundelkhand, as his second wife. In the backdrop of the political compulsions that govern the Life of the Peshwa, SLB’s Bajirao Mastani tells the story of the unbridled love between Mastani and Bajirao – even as Bajirao’s first wife, Kashibai (a solid portrayal by Priyanka Chopra), comes to terms with losing her husband to this “other woman”. SLB’s work, as usual, is pure poetry on screen. The romance between Ranveer and Deepika makes Bajirao Mastani seem so real in front of your eyes – as if you are in the 1700s, in Pune, in the midst of the Maratha empire.

But the real hero of the story, according to me, is Kashibai. For a simple reason – she operates, all through the narrative, from her core of inner peace and as who she believes she is. Yes, she is shocked when her husband falls for the aggressive and maniacally-brazen Mastani – who, to compound matters for the staunchly Hindu Maratha society, is a Muslim! So, Kashi does grieve initially. But she soon chooses to stand her ground. She has done no wrong. She has caused nothing to warrant losing her husband to the “other woman”. It’s her husband’s choice. In one epic scene in her personal chamber, where Bajirao goes to take her leave before embarking on his final military mission, Kashi tells him not to ever come back to her room – meaning, to her! There was no drama as Kashi expresses herself. There was just a firm, stoic, acceptance of what is and a decision to move on – “you have another woman, that choice is unacceptable to me, we don’t relate to each other anymore, so, let us separate.” Even when she rushes to his side later, as he lies ailing, she has this clarity that she’s there as a caregiver and not as one necessarily in a relationship. And that perspective that SLB brings out, and which Priyanka beautifully portrays, offers a key learning for all of us.

The tragedy with most marital relationships is that they try to lock in, actually hold as hostage, people within a legal and social framework. Just because you are married to someone, you have to suffer that person for the rest of your Life – however disenchanted that person may be from you or however distant you may have drifted away from that person. There’s nothing wrong with marriage as a concept – except that the way it is insisted it is practiced has rendered it totally useless. The truth is, over time, everything and everyone changes. The circumstances in which people come together change. Biologically people change – with ageing. Emotionally people change. So, like Bajirao, people get drawn to new liaisons. To be sure, Bajirao here is not a gender-specific metaphor. There are so many contemporary women who seek meaning in companionship outside of their marriage – and there is nothing wrong with it. They key is not to feel trapped. It is important not to suffer. And Kashibai teaches us how not to suffer. She can’t relate to a philandering husband, she can’t accept her man sharing “love meant exclusively for her” with another person. Simply, she can’t relate to her new ‘Peshwa’. So, she divorces him by banning his entry into her chamber.

Kashi’s must not be as a reel-Life choice. In real Life too, indeed, it is so, so simple. If you are caught in a relationship that’s making you unhappy, just step out of it. Be open. Have an honest conversation with your spouse and opt out. There’s nothing wrong or sinful about such a choice. In fact, it is grossly unjust only when you kill your inner peace and happiness only to protect a relationship – per a social and legal definition – which is long dead, which is, seriously, not there anymore! 

Relating is the key to thriving at work and in Life

People are people. There are no right people and wrong people. You just either relate to people or you don’t.  

We met an entrepreneur the other day who leads a large organization. He has about 15 people reporting to him. Over the last couple of years that we have known this entrepreneur, he has forever been complaining about the lack of ownership among his leadership team. He is obsessing over how to sack the “laggards” among his direct reports – but, ironically, he hasn’t been able to do anything in that direction. Every time we meet him though, he only keeps complaining, fretting and fuming about his people. In a way, we sense so much negativity emanating from him – it makes me wonder whether he has a problem with his people of if he is the problem?

Contrast this with what Suresh Krishna, the CMD of Sundram Fasteners, shared with me when I met him recently for my Sunday Blog Series – “The Happiness Road”: “There are no right or wrong people. There are just people. And you have to take them along. This ability to take everyone along is what leadership is all about!”

I totally agree with Krishna. Seriously, whether it is in business, at work, or in family, don’t obsess over people and their behaviors. There are no right or wrong people. Everybody is right in their own way. In fact people do whatever they do because they believe what they are doing is right from where they are seeing it. To be sure, even you – or I – do things only from that perspective. So, there is no point in vexing over people like our entrepreneur-friend has been doing. You either relate to someone or you don’t. And people either relate to you or they don’t. And it is only when two people continue to relate to each other that they (can) work with or live with each other. It is, really, as simple as that.

I have learnt to employ a simple thumb-rule: no matter who they are, anyone who I cannot relate to, does not form part of my ecosystem. Whether it is a co-worker, a family-member, a school-mate, a neighbor or vendor, the day I have stopped relating to a person, I just let them go. This is my way of preserving and nurturing positive energy – and inner peace – in me.

When you agonize over people’s behavior, and your unmet expectations of them, you are filling yourself with a lot of anxiety, stress and, possibly, negative energy. This negativity festers in you and makes you inefficient, irate and, believe me, very, very unhappy. The only way to fix this situation is to drop all expectations you have of people, and to simply walk away – or let them go – if you have stopped relating to them. The key to thrive, at work and in Life, is to keep relating, than obsess over the reporting or the relationship itself! 

"Rise In Love" - A film inspired by "Fall Like A Rose Petal"

In early 2008, AVIS Viswanathan and Vaani Anand - soul-mates, friends, husband-wife, business partners - were staring at a bankruptcy of their Firm. A series of business decisions had brought them to the brink of penury. AVIS wrote a Book "Fall Like A Rose Petal - A father's lessons on how to be happy and content while living without money" which was published by Westland in August 2014. The Book shares, through letters AVIS wrote to their two children, Aashirwad and Aanchal, the spiritual lessons that the family learnt through their Life-changing experience - of hopelessness, of fear, of court cases, of police complaints, of insolvency, of pennilessness. Also of faith, patience, love, companionship, abundance and soul. 

'Rise In Love' is a film made by a young film-making student Shalu C. She was inspired by AVIS' Book and was keen to explore how "true love thrives in the face of adversity". In a world ridden with dysfunctional relationships, Shalu discovers that a rare magic and chemistry between Vaani and AVIS has helped them both deal with their complex, numbing Life situation strongly, even as it has kept this small family of four together, despite a storm ravaging their material lives.

The film is based on a series of conversations Shalu had with Vaani and AVIS and with people who know them very well. It's a film that teaches you to appreciate the beauty of companionship, that inspires you to be happy despite the circumstances, that tells why relating between people is more important than the relationship itself, that motivates you to face Life squarely and that shows you how you too can 'rise in love'!

PS: This film is not a complete re-adaptation of AVIS' Book nor does it attempt to portray all the challenges that Vaani and AVIS are faced with.

Don’t shut yourself to love

It is fine to fail in love in Life. The bigger tragedy is to not get any love or, worse, shut yourself to love.   

I read the story of a 62-year-old man from Bihar yesterday. In his early twenties he had an affair with a South-Indian, Tam Bram, girl. Her parents had her hurriedly married off to a Tam Bram engineer when they heard of the affair. Today, 39 years hence, the man still pines for her. He lives in Nainital presently but visits Hyderabad each year just to see her. He recently wrote this on facebook: “Today she has 2 kids; one son married and the other son is in the United States. She also has a grandchild, a girl. She lives in Hyderabad. Every year for the last 39 years, I have gone to see her. I don't meet her or make her even aware that I am there. I don't want her to feel embarrassed. I guess I live my Life through her. I never knew why she didn't have the courage to fight for “us” – something that I was willing to do. I guess I will never know. I am 62, unmarried, retired; I live alone in a three bedroom cottage, and today, when I reflect back, I wonder if I made the right choice?”

Clearly, this man is clinging on to his past. He has simply shut himself to love. It is fine to fail in love. Sometimes things don’t work out. Either before marriage or, as it often happens, even after marriage. The truth is marriage plays no role in helping two people relate to each other. When the relating stops, the relationship ends – whether or not you marry someone. In this man’s case, his beau succumbed to the pressure she faced from her parents – a story that has been played over and over and over again in many a Bollywood film right up until the late 1990s. In fact, films of those days merely portrayed what society was experiencing. By clinging on to what he believes is true love, the man has shut himself out for 39 long years. He need not have married again. But he surely could have been open to allowing himself to be loved and cared for.

Interestingly, this man and his story are but a metaphor. The learning from his story applies to all of us – whatever be our contexts. His is a tale of a lost relationship. But so many of us are trapped in the past too. We are clinging on to something which is dead. By holding on to what isn’t there, we are missing out on what is. And what is, is the perfect present – the now. Where love is in abundance. Where peace is in plenty. But to experience all of it, we must be present here – in the now.

Ask yourself: “What am I clinging on to?” Let go of whatever that hasn’t worked out or worked for you. Simply let go! Open yourself up and offer yourself to the opportunity in the moment. Then you will feel the difference. Your Life will be filled with love, peace and joy! 

Sometimes, it is best to lay a relationship to rest a.k.a Relationship In Peace – RIP!

Life is so incredibly demanding. Sometimes, you may have to have the most uncomfortable conversations even though you may never want to have them. But have those conversations and liberate yourself, despite the pain that they may entail, because without them, you will agonize, grieve and suffer.

Let’s take an example. You just don’t have the chemistry going with someone in your Life. You have tried. She or he has tried. But it has never worked out. Over the years, you find that your equilibrium is lost in this person’s presence. And you take ages to recover every time from that ‘encounter’, that ‘conflict’ or even that ‘chance meeting’. So, you are now in a hermit mode, having ‘retired’ after being ‘tired of trying’. Not out of ego, not out of hatred, but out of wanting to just anchor in peace. Peace for you and peace for this other person. And then you get a call from ‘a someone’ connected to both of you, inviting you to consider a truce; appealing to your sense of maturity, to your conscience to let go of ‘past issues’, of ‘baggage’, to forgive and to ‘resume’ ties. This is the time that you must take charge of your Life. Ideally, you may want to duck this peacemaker’s call or conversation. You may want to hide from this opportunity. But don’t. Stand there. Be in the face of it and evaluate the opportunity objectively. Examine if you believe that the chemistry with the person in question can ever be restored and made to work. Examine if you and the other person, both and not just one, really will benefit from this ‘reunion’. Examine if you will be happy meeting this person. If the answer is yes, and only if it’s a yes for all three statements above, proceed. Else, stay away. Peace, inner peace, for both of you, is more important than a sense of reason and victory for the peacemaker. Not that the peacemaker means any harm. Or is doing something for ‘showing off’ (not that there don’t exist such pretentious peacemakers on this planet!). But just that, it is important for each of us to know what chemistry works, with whom, when and where. And more important is to employ this knowledge intelligently and profitably for all concerned.

Chances are the peacemaker, and observers, will opinionate and even chide you for being ‘bull-headed’, ‘heartless’ and ‘unreasonable’. But you explain your point of view while remaining unmoved. Just double check if you are not operating from a position of ego and hatred by asking yourself the following questions. If there was an avenue for rapprochement, would you have waited for a peacemaker to broker a deal or would you have reached out? Do you wish this other person well or are you still seething with rage? Have you been at peace in all this time that you have stayed away from the relationship? When you ask and answer these questions, truly, honestly, you will be able to confirm if your ego is coming in the way or if peace is the way. If it is the latter, have the difficult conversation with the peacemaker, any observer or even the person in question. This conversation must be gone through to free you of any pangs of guilt, of any emotional burden. Don’t avoid it. “Remember”, as American novelist, Nicholas Sparks, writes in “Message in a Bottle”: “Nothing worthwhile is going to be easy.”

So, a simple rule of thumb to feel unburdened and free in difficult relationships is to 1. WANT the peace 2. HAVE uncomfortable conversations although you may want to hide from them. 3. DON’T operate from ego or hatred. 4. DO what’s right and best for both people involved__you and the other person. 5. DON’T try to be a martyr or a hero__just be who you are. And, fundamentally, recognize that it is sometimes perfectly fine__and the best thing__for some relationships to be laid to rest, a.k.a, Relationship In Peace__R.I.P!  

Simplify your Life: Trust only when and who you can

Each person who comes into your Life is a teacher.

Everyone is teaching you through not just what they know, but through their behavior. Some people teach you why you must never trust them. They have taught you this by repeatedly refusing to live up to the trust you placed in them. Eventually, you may have reached a point when you would have said that you can’t trust this person anymore. And yet you would have given this person one more chance. When your trust was betrayed one more time, you move from the can’t-trust to the must-never-trust zone. Please know, there is nothing wrong with you if you come to this conclusion. And there is nothing inhuman about this stance. To trust humankind and Life is indeed the best way to live. But to have your self-esteem trampled upon__that’s precisely what happens when your trust is betrayed__is foolishness. Remember if that person is a teacher, just as each person in your Life is, then you are being a bad student if you are not learning from your teacher! You don’t have to hate the person though. Just don’t trust.

When you don’t trust, there can be no relationship. You can still know the other person and not be in a relationship. Now, even if this is a parent, sibling, child, or spouse, it is imminently possible to stay this way. Because at the end of the day, the person is not trustworthy. And the person has taught you, given the empirical evidence you may have gathered through repeated patterns of behavior, that she or he is not trustworthy. Additionally, let me tell you, from my own experience, that it is also fine to let the other know that you don’t trust him or her.

So, please simplify your Life. If you have been let down repeatedly, know that you have a right to choose not to trust someone anymore. Exercise that right. Live your Life in peace and not in grief. Yet live leaving that person alone. Don’t fight. Don’t provoke. Just live and let live! 

Be in a relationship only if you can love, can relate and are happy

Don’t just cling on to a relationship for the sake of society – learn to focus on loving, relating and your happiness!

A friend of mine is going through a messy divorce. He developed an extra-marital relationship which, quite naturally, his wife objected to. My friend’s reasoning was that he had stopped enjoying being with his wife and found that he related better to his friend with whom he “wanted to spend the rest of his Life”. The three people in this story are in their mid-forties and are neither immature nor irresponsible. My friend’s friend, his lover, is divorced, and has a child; but she says she feels “secure and wanted” in my friend’s company. She’s not insisting that he marry her. All she wants is his companionship for the rest of her Life. My friend too sees her the same way. But my friend’s wife sees their relationship as scandalous and as a conspiracy to “rob her of all her wealth”. So, the divorce has gotten messy – my friend says he’s ready to accept a divorce immediately and is also willing to settle the financial aspects amicably but he simply refuses to allow “an extortion” by his wife. Therefore the matter drags on, for all three parties!

If you distill the issue, it all began with an extra-marital relationship. And I guess if you look around, there are so many of them, extra-marital relationships, going around us all the time. Except most don’t turn up in the open. Even so, why is the polygamous tendency of humans subject to so much scrutiny and scandal? Why is it necessary, from a social point of view, that people suffer in bad marriages than be happy in newer, and even multiple, relationships? If you consider history, man has been polygamous. It is society that has imposed monogamy as a preferred code of conduct. Just as you can’t wear round-neck tees, shorts and sneakers in certain old-world clubs, founded by the British, in India, if you have to live in most societies in the world, you have to be monogamous. But that really is suppressing people’s freedom of expression, is holding them hostage to dead relationships and is, quite simply, killing love and happiness.

What happens when two people come together is that they fundamentally enjoy each other’s company. It is their friendship that drives their being together. They may be different, as in most cases, but they can relate to each other. When that relating stops, one of them, or at times both of them, drift apart. When the drifting happens, they are not just seeking sexual satisfaction in a new partner, from a new companion, but they are looking to be happy with that other person. When they enjoy that other person’s company, they “engage” with that person. It is as simple as that. Now, while in some cases, people continue to relate to each other and enjoy each other’s companionship, in most cases, people stop relating to each other because both of them have changed. Or, at least, one of them thinks and believes the other has changed over time. Which is what is causing the lack of relating between them. Osho, the Master, says that marriage has ruined society. He champions a new world where there is no marriage – but where there are only lovers! This may seem like a radical idea, the way society is today – but isn’t it better having a world full of lovers than a world that’s infested with co-sufferers and broken homes arising from broken, or even dead, marriages?

The bottom-line in Life is to be happy. No matter who is causing you to be unhappy, you must simply move away from them. Suffering someone just to keep your image in an indifferent and couldn’t-care-less society is a grave injustice you will do to yourself. When you move away, or move on – if you will, have the courage to be open about your choice, have the integrity to go through a formal (if necessary, legal) and fair (especially if there are children involved) process of separation and be truthful to all concerned. By following through on your happiness, you may encounter strife in the short term, but in the long run everyone involved will be at peace. At the end of the day, isn’t that what really matters?

“Demanding faithfulness is like demanding slavery”

The best way to have wonderful relationships is to do two things: never expect anything from it or from someone and always respect the other person.

When we expect someone to be what we want them to be, we are not respecting the person as a special, unique individual. Wherever expectation rises, respect often goes out. Much of the problem in marital or personal relationships is because there is an expectation of faithfulness. While it is important that deceit or cheating must be avoided in any relationship, the nature of the expectation of faithfulness is an indicator that we have stopped respecting the other person. To be faithful cannot mean living someone else's Life. Or you cannot insist that someone live their Life as you want them to for you to be able to call them faithful. To be faithful means to be true to yourself, first doing what you want to do as long as it will not hurt or harm anyone else. When all people in a relationship are true to themselves, and don't harm each other, a harmonious environment is born that respects each individual in it. That's when relationships become meaningful and stand the test of time.

Osho, the Master, argues this perspective immensely well: "Who are you to demand faithfulness from anyone else? Demanding faithfulness is like demanding slavery. There's a misconception in people that love must be permanent. Only stones are permanent. To ask for faithfulness is wrong. There was a season__the spring, the faith, the love arose in you. You did not create it. It was just a happening. Just like a breeze it comes and just like a breeze it goes. When it comes, rejoice. And when it goes, say good-bye. Millions of couples in the world know there's no love between them anymore. But for the sake of society, reputation, for respectability, they go on pretending they love each other. This pretention is the real sin, the real crime."

This is not to conclude however that love cannot be eternal between people. It can be eternal. As long as there is respect for the other person and you have no expectations of that person, while being true to yourself first in the relationship.

Friendship and Relating – the twin factors that make great relationships!

No one is inferior or superior. In a relationship, it is the relating which is important. Not who’s more powerful or articulate or successful.

The Airtel "Priya -Boss" Ad

A TV commercial for Airtel is making news in India for the wrong reasons. It shows a man taking orders from his boss, who is also his wife; while at the same time, she,  as his wife, offers to cook dinner and invites him to come home soon. The debate on social media is on, as one analysis on IBN Live argued, “whether the campaign enforces stereotypes, breaks established family roles, is a modern twist to same old misogynist propaganda or just neo-feminism riding on compromise.”

Watch the ad here. 

Honestly, I don’t see why there must be a debate in the first place. Why can’t a woman be a man’s boss at work while still offering to cook a meal for them at home? Why do we typecast people in specific roles – that a man should be the boss or should be the bread-winner or that a woman must primarily be a home-maker and not have a career of her own? When I got married, my wife used to earn a salary higher than I did – she worked in the computer education field while I was a journalist, earning a measly income that was determined by a government-regulated wage board! But this never really affected either of us. And then she gave up her flourishing career to stay back at home and help us raise a family. Again this decision never affected our love or respect for each other. I know a couple, both of whom have IIM-A degrees, where the wife is a high-flying software professional with India’s # 1 IT company, while the husband keeps the home and helps their young teenaged daughter cope with high school and now, recently, college. For years now, they both have kept these roles and continue to have a very happy marriage.

So, I don’t think a reversal of roles affects a marriage. Whatever be the role, as long as the friendship between two people is intact, they will continue to relate to each other. I, in fact, salute the Aritel commercial’s director, Vinil Mathew, for choosing to make such a sensitive film. To me, the ad celebrates friendship and relating. And these two are above everything else – even above the label of a “respectable relationship”. There’s no meaning in a relationship if people in it can’t relate to each other or enjoy each other’s companionship. What’s the point in strutting around trying hard to prove that everything’s normal, when nothing really is, to please a decadent society? It doesn’t matter who earns, who cooks, who does the dishes or who fetches the groceries – as long as the two people in the relationship continue to love each other and are willing to grow and evolve through Life – together!

Make sure what you say inspires and does not alienate

In Life__particularly in a relationship__never ever say or do anything that you cannot take back.

Almost anybody in a relationship will vouch for the fact that there will be ups and downs. When two people are together there are always bound to be disagreements. And sometimes the aftertaste of a disagreement may linger on. It is important at such times not to use public fora to vent your frustrations. Such issues and disagreements are best cleared and resolved in private. Even if they take a long time. If something is not getting resolved, you are probably addressing the person involved and not the issue. As simple as that. Because there's no issue that two people cannot sit across the table and resolve. So, barring praise for your spouse, partner, companion or friend, there should ideally be no other sentiment made in public. If you can't praise, be silent. But don't ridicule, rib or make statements to get even in public. This applies to marital relationships and also to professional and other personal relationships.

Ideally, the best way to look at someone that you disagree with is to look at what about them, despite all their weaknesses, inspires you. Look for the good in people, you will see and say only good. Because, as someone has wisely said, “A careless word may kindle strife, A cruel word may wreck a life, A timely word may lessen stress, A loving word may heal and bless.”

No Rights, No Wrongs, Only Learnings!

Don’t struggle with making Life decisions – career or relationship choices and such. Go with what you want to do the most and what you can do the best! You will either pull it off. Or you will not. Either way, you will learn!

A young friend is a brilliant musician. But his parents wanted him to pursue an academic degree. So, he parked his music career aside and completed a Master’s Program. Now, he’s employed and is looking to re-start his music career but his folks – and extended family – want him to apply for a better-paying job in the US and migrate as soon as possible. The young chap is vexed. He believes next they will insist that he gets married. “And that will be the end of my music career,” he bemoans.

I asked him why he didn’t think it was possible that he could just do what he wanted to do. “I am not sure I will be successful with music initially. There won’t be money in it as I begin. And my folks warn me that if I realize later that I cannot be a successful – and well-earning – musician, my professional career too, which is starting-up smoothly now, may stand derailed,” he confessed.

I asked him if he enjoyed his “professional job”. And he replied that he didn’t quite: “It is dull and monotonous. I know I will never be happy working at it.” And what about his music, did he enjoy playing and making music? “Oh! Totally! I don’t even know it when I am playing. I just lose myself. I am happiest when I playing or composing music,” he exulted.

I did not force my opinion on my young friend. I simply suggested that he must pursue what gives him joy, what he’s deeply passionate about – which is music. And that he must focus on becoming a world-class player. Money, I said, will come on its own when his music touches lives and creates waves!

Undoubtedly, there are many in my young friend’s shoes. Maybe not all of them are faced with a career dilemma. Some are dithering on relationship decisions as well. All I have to tell anyone who’s torn between “what’s right and what’s wrong” – as a decision – is to do whatever they feel is the best for them. Which again is defined as what gives them happiness. Nothing is wrong. Nothing is right. What we call as a great decision that resulted in us getting or doing something valuable, is really an amazing confluence of place, time and opportunity. So, when a decision works for you, you learn what to do! And what we call a mistake is the same__a combination of place, time and opportunity__this time to learn about what not to do.

When we let go of our fear and insecurity that our decisions may be wrong, and let go of our need to be right every time, we will find inner peace, happiness and success – in that order!

People are – and will be – different from you!

Don’t expect everyone to be like you and to agree to everything you say or do. Simply accept the diversity in people around you! 

Last evening I watched Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani (Ayan Mukerji, 2013, Ranbir Kapoor, Deepika Padukone) one more time. In one scene in the movie, Padukone, while examining her relationship with Kapoor, tells him: “Tum galat nahin ho; bas mujhse alag ho!” It means: “You are not wrong, you are just different from me!” I thought that’s a wonderful way to relate to people that we have relationships with.

Much of your strife in relationships comes from wanting people to understand you, from wanting them to see your point of view and from wanting them to agree with you on everything. Now, this isn’t really ever going to happen. So we go on piling this impractical, unreasonable expectation on people around us and, therefore, we continue to wallow in grief and suffering when our relationships fail.

I have learnt this lesson the hard way. Initially, I used to have a huge problem in an all important relationship with my own mother. This caused me enormous grief and inner strife. But when I learned this lesson, I found my whole attitude change to one of acceptance – of our diametrically opposite ways of looking at and dealing with Life and of our different outlooks to how it must be lived. The day I stopped wanting to be right and stopped demanding that only my view be respected, I became peaceful. When I made my peace – over the way things were – I discovered how simple Life really is. I realized that we complicate it by expecting people around us to be a certain way.

Every relationship, in fact any relationship, is stressed when we try to apply labels of right and wrong or impose dos and don’ts to whatever’s happening in it. The best way to avoid that stress is to accept that people are, and will be, different. That there’s no right or wrong – there’s just a different point of view. And through such a simple, relatable framework, you build and sustain beautiful, ever-evolving relationships.

Nothing can ever be undone in Life

Never say or do anything in Life that cannot be taken back or undone. And you can take back and undo nothing!

This really means we must employ discretion at all times and never let anything be said or do anything that we will regret later. Scathing opinions are easy to roll off our tongues. Or, often times, we react in rage and anger, making choices and decisions that change things between us and other people – forever.

Some years ago, I used to be very trigger-happy. I had to say things as they occurred to me. And in one relationship, at least, I was keen that some decorum was maintained between me and the other person. So, I would hold a mirror. I would say the truth as it was. But this only made the relationship worse. The other person never understood anything – and never certainly understood me. So, here I was, to this person, for several years on the trot, irreverent, loud-mouthed, unfit and loathsome. It hurt me a lot that I was seen that way. So I resisted even more aggressively. Then, one day, in May 2009, we had a big, big, showdown. It was so intense, I would wake up with a nightmare thinking about it for weeks after that incident. It struck me, as I introspected deeply, that I had caused the distance between us to grow because of my insistence that the relationship be mended. I decided to give up that desire. And I withdrew into a shell. I have stayed there for a long, long time. Now, in the past few days, this person wants to revisit the relationship. The scars are there – very visible and so they remain unforgettable. I can’t forget what has been said about me or my family, I can’t ever forget how we have been treated at a very personal, human level. It’s true that I have evolved, so I have forgiven this person and I have moved on. But because the scars remain, and the wounds have been deep, I have given up hope that things can ever be improved between us. The fact that, once said and done, nothing can ever be undone in Life – especially in emotional, relationship contexts, only helps me continue to value my inner peace and forces me to stay where I am, in my shell!

When people anger us, they cause us to react in a similar manner. In our anger we say or do many things. These are further interpreted – they are never really understood – by those causing the situation in the first place. Then more anger gets expressed. More opinions are made and more negative energy is hurled at each other. Over time, a Great Wall, is built. And people begin to live on either side choosing to often wish the worst for those on the other side. Then, through a natural process of growth and evolution two realizations dawn: 1. That clinging on anger and hatred is futile. 2. That this is a big world and we are all small people. That our smallness is even more starkly evident with our “petty” disputes with people. But it is too late. Because a lot has been said and done, and because it can’t be undone, Life has to go on with the Great Wall growing longer, and often higher, with the passage of time.

I have learnt from Life that it’s always best to pause, to ask, in any potentially emotional and explosive situation, if what we are about to say or do is likely to do good to all concerned, if what we have to say is the truth and what we really believe in, if what we are choosing is what we always wanted. This kind of reasoning does not always help you get instantaneous clarity on issues but helps you with enough so that you can postpone making a choice or expressing an opinion immediately. Always a more reflective, informed stance on Life-situations, even if takes longer, benefits everyone concerned. At the core of our lives is the way people express and experience each other. Maybe, just maybe, if some thought can be exercised before saying or doing something, then there will be no need to seek to undo anything!?

Where does love go?

More than being in love, be love. Then you will never stop loving!

Someone wrote to me wondering, “Why do people, who fall in love and get married, fall out with each other?”  Good question. This happens all the time. Many factors contribute to a marriage or a relationship breaking up. But principal among them is the fact that the couple have lost the ability to love; not just each other – but to be loving themselves.

Let’s understand love and loving in the context of relationships.

When two people come together professing love for each other, all they are saying at first is that they love the way each other is, they love the experience and they love the circumstances that have brought them together. They soon start exploring each other – physically that is. People often talk of a great chemistry between young couples – that’s nothing but an expression of their sexual energy. Then they start experiencing the non-physical side of each other. It is this constant exploration that keeps them engaged in each other and together.

Then what goes wrong over time? First, when their exploration goes beyond the physical, they realize that they don’t like certain things about each other. “He smokes way too much and I hate his breath.” “She talks a lot and shops like a maniac.” Next, the way they experience each other has become predictable, boring. The thrill of meeting her at a coffee place or texting sweet nothings is no longer there. She knows he’s busy chasing deadlines and he knows she’s tearing her hair between her work and looking after the baby. Both know that they will be exhausted when they meet – even having sex then becomes a mechanical exercise, merely to meet a biological need. So, what’s there to experience anew? And finally the circumstances that brought them together have changed – people meeting and dating each other when single is a dramatically and diametrically different context when compared to them living together. Whether in or out of a wedlock, living together is a lot of work – the dishes have to be done, the meals have to be cooked, the beds have to be made, the floor has to be mopped, bills have to be paid. So, when circumstances change, the way people look at – and experience – each other changes.

There lies the crux of the problem. Love, the way it is understood and practised in relationships today, is flawed. Whereas love is really about being compassionate for another person, no matter what the circumstance is, love today, sadly, has become an expression of selfishness and ego. Over time and through living together, when you find qualities in your partner that you can no longer tolerate or accept, you are basically telling yourself that you love yourself more. Which is why you find your companion’s tobacco habit or tendency to flirt or workaholic nature unacceptable. Which is why even sex has become boring. Which is why you cannot accept your partner in the new, changed circumstances. Consider the conversations that couples have after a few years of living together: “You no longer care for me.” “Do you know how much I do for you?” “You just don’t have the time for me or for the children.” “You are drinking way too much and I don’t like it.” “Is there someone else in your Life that’s taken you away from me?” All the reasoning is focused on how you are being treated by your companion. It’s your view. It is self-centered and does not immediately invite a mutual perspective. I believe the key lies in dropping your ego, your desires and your selfishness. Stop looking at what you like or what you want. A better way would be to simply observe your Life with your companion. And ask yourself what you both can do together – about whatever needs addressing. Magically, you will find the romance blooming again – irrespective of age, physical condition and circumstance.

I have learnt that it is more important to be love, and to be loving, than being “in” love. When you are “in” love, you can be “out” of it too. But when you are love – you are loving. Period. I learnt this from my wife. We too came together, 27 years ago, through a confluence of liking each other, enjoying the experience of being with each other and the carefreeness that our circumstances then allowed us. But soon things changed. I developed a ruinous habit of chewing tobacco, I became obsessed with my work and decisions I took with our business caused it to blow up and landed our family in abject penury. But my wife’s love for me has remained unchanged. When I understood why she continued to be loving – despite my excesses and the circumstances that we found ourselves in – I gained great insight. She is selfless and sees the entire journey as something that always involved the two of us. She never saw my destructive habit or my Work-Life imbalance or my poor and costly decisions as her problem. She saw it as ours. This is what I mean when I say you have to go beyond yourself – and drop your ego – if you want to be love and be loving! When you are loving, and not just in love, you are relating to the other person. You are not simply imposing conditions or demanding they be met. Instead your relating helps you make the exploration – that began when you first came together – an ongoing process, now in a new set of circumstances. And it keeps the experience of being with each other, for each other, engaging. Remember: Living and loving always happen only in the present continuous!

Of course, when you have tried hard, selflessly, to make your relationship work, and you have discovered that it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere, the best thing to do is to let go! Do it very calmly. Just let go. An important aspect of being loving and selfless is to give the other person, no matter how you have been treated, all the freedom and compassion. A divorce or separation turns messy because you ask, “What’s in it for me?”. Instead ask, “What can I give him or her that can make his or her Life better?” Being loving means giving the situation, the context, the relationship and the person all that you possibly can – physically, materially, financially and spiritually.

So, don’t ask where’s all the love gone? Just be loving. In your loving, and being love, you can make Life beautiful – for you, for your companion and for your precious family!

Not relating to someone is both natural and evolutionary

Someone asked me: “Does it seem possible that we stop relating to most people we know? The possibility makes one feel very guilty…”

I believe, as you evolve and grow in Life, it is indeed possible that you stop relating to people that you once used to relate to completely. But there’s no point in feeling guilty about this. It is simply the way of Life!

What must be understood is that just as Life keeps on changing, people too change. Not just in a physical sense, but attitudinally, culturally, spiritually. You have changed, I have changed, since we last took stock! As you grow richer with more years through this lifetime, your experiences make you different. Sometimes, they make you bitter. But more often than not, they make you better. Whether you get better or bitter with Life, and living, you evolve. Your outlook to Life changes. You see Life more clearly – and your view is shaped by your experiences. Over time, you understand people at a very basic level – not based on their social standing or their fame or their talent alone, but based on their motives and their values – which causes them to behave the way they do! Please know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with this change in you. It is as natural a Life-engineered process as biological aging is. Why grieve then over something unavoidable and natural? Why feel guilty?

It is a lack of understanding and appreciation of this truism that wrecks many marriages and relationships. People who have troubled relationships actually have a serious problem with relating to the people in those relationships. Because they don’t realize this and don’t accept this lack of relating as a natural aspect of personal evolution, they struggle in those relationships. We tend to look at people who have had multiple relationships or marriages with a certain disdain. But if you consider why they chose to opt out of those relationships, you will realize that they are actually displaying a high level of maturity. They are accepting that they are not relating to their partners or associates and are choosing to move on. It is those who refuse to see or accept this reality of lack of relating who suffer.

Guilt is a very debilitating emotion. It is pointless to be guilty about anything. What is wrong if after knowing someone for many, many years, you come to realize that you don’t enjoy their companionship anymore? Why is it important to be “wedded” to relationships? Are you relating to someone that you are in a relationship with is a more important question to answer than how to save or protect or even nurture that relationship. If you are not relating anymore, why punish yourself and the other person by continuing to be together just to showcase the relationship between you both? The relationship is dead already. It doesn’t make any difference to the relationship whether or not you are there in it physically. Because you have long dropped out at an emotional, soul level.

Review your Life and your relationships seriously. Make intelligent choices on who you can relate to and who you can’t. You don’t have to necessarily announce a severance of the relationships that you don’t enjoy anymore, but you can decide not to engage in them going forward. And definitely not at the cost of your inner peace. So, stop clinging on to what isn’t there anymore. Drop your guilt. You will then be soaked in happiness!