Give your children strong values and
teach them how to fly.
As a parent, these are your only two
responsibilities. Beyond this, they need nothing from you. The tragedy with
most parents is they try to define, decide and dictate the lives their children
must live. Resultantly, in their impressionable teens, when they develop a
certain independent thinking process and feel empowered through it, children
revolt against this repression. Generation after generation, it is the same
story. It is not that they don’t want to
respect you or don’t appreciate your perspective. It is just that they want
their space, they want to be left alone, to discover for themselves from
experience__whether good or bad is immaterial to them__what it means to live
Life on their terms.
To be sure, you__and I__lived Life pretty
much the same way. Through our teens we have also revolted when denied
permission, or done stuff secretly, or we sulked in protest. So, does it make
any sense for us to grieve that our children behave with us that way today when
we are behaving pretty much the same way as our parents did? The urge to control the lives of our children
comes from our tendency to imagine and from an overzealous sense of
overprotection. We don’t want our children to get hurt. And we don’t want them
to ‘re-live’ the, often banal, lives we have led or ‘go through’ our kind of,
often difficult, Life! But why? Unless a child falls down from a bicycle how
will she learn the need to balance herself well? Unless he burns his finger
playing with a lit candle, how will your child learn the properties of fire?
Going beyond the bringing up stage, age
0~10, when you have a certain, more intensive role as a parent to provide and
protect, recognize that your children are completely different, totally unique
individuals than you. Treat growing up kids as kids and they will behave like
kids__choosing to be always be childish and irresponsible over being prudent.
Treat them like adults and they will behave like adults__intelligently, with
maturity and grace. The most efficient way in which you can raise children in
their teens through young adulthood is to be their best friends first and
parents later. Consider this: you have already parented them; giving them,
among all other things, a good set of values and guiding principles. Most
children therefore in good, educated families are raised with the right set of
values. How is it that sometimes you begin to wonder why these kids find
difficulty in “continuing to be good”__at home__in the second decade of their
lives? It is not that the children have stopped being good. The truth is we
have stopped being good parents. We have become obsessed with their safety,
their security, their welfare__so much so that we have stopped trusting them.
The biggest casualty is trust. Any teenager__just like you and me in those
years__will have a crush on someone or will smoke or will drink or will visit a
porn site. It is not that the child has a devious design or desire to revolt at
this point that is taking her through these experiences. It is her bewilderment
with the world, her urge to discover and ‘sample’ all that’s on offer on the
world’s menu card. And unless she considers and ‘samples’ all how will she ever
be able to choose? When you react to this natural curiosity unnaturally, with
the view that it is an avoidable indulgence, when you express shock,
embarrassment, grief and anger, at your child’s “transgression”, you are
basically telling your child that you don’t trust her. Nothing can wreck a
child’s self-esteem more than knowing that her parents don’t trust her. Once
that trust threshold is breached, then the child, with all the raw energy it
can summon, wants to take you on. Either openly or covertly. And so the famed
generation gap, that we once cursed in our teens, reappears in our lives, in
our homes.
The right way to deal with your
soon-to-be-young-adult teen is to give him or her wings to fly. Have
conversations. Honest conversations. Tell them what you learnt from doing the
same stuff that you see them wanting to do. Tell them to go ahead do it
themselves. But invite them to share notes. Don’t feel embarrassed talking
about sex or about liquor or smoking or about anything ‘adult’ with your
children. That’s why being a friend to them is critical__being open, available
and inviting__always. Remember if you want your children to turn out well, the
best way is to not make the decisions for them: right from what they eat to
what they wear to what they want to do in and with their lives. This does not
mean you should not express your opinion. By all means do that. Just don’t
decide for them. Teach them what’s right and what’s wrong, don’t force them to
agree with you on either. Teach them forgiveness, don’t insist they do. Teach
them the value of money, but don’t demand that they avoid taking risks. Teach
them to love, care and be good, don’t expect that they immediately will.
Basically, don’t try to live their lives. Trust them and yourself that they are
your children. They will be fine. Keep
reminding them that the doors to your home and heart are always open for them,
24x7, so that when they do want to come back to share, to confess, to catch up,
to just cuddle up, they are always welcome. Being a responsible parent is a
good and important part of intelligent living! Responsible
parenting means grooming and leading happy, young adults to take over from you
at home!!
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