You can’t delete any chapter from
your Life. At best you can choose not to revisit it!
I was
talking to a friend the other day who has a dysfunctional relationship with her
mother – quite the way I do. We shared notes on how much our world expects us
to brush aside the way we have been treated and pretend as if everything’s been
perfect with our lives. Now, here, I am not talking about clinging on to the
past and grieving over what has happened or the way things are. I am referring
to an expectation that most people have of you – which is, even if you don’t
want to engage in the dysfunctional relationship and prefer maintaining a
dignified silence and distance, you are expected to be nice and demonstrate
socially correct, often politically too, etiquette. Why?
The bigger
question is why is it not right to be away from someone who makes you unhappy
and in whose presence you just stop being yourself? Why must you grit your
teeth and put up with relationships where there is no relating with that
someone anymore, where neither party is happy? I believe that if people have
not been able to give each other dignity – for whatever reason – they have no
business being together. Period. There are really no two ways about it.
In our Tam Bram (Tamizh Brahmins – to boot, I am Palaghattan,
additionally, for no apparent reason that I contributed to!) culture, there’s a
euphemism for helping people ‘cope with dysfunctional relationships’. It goes
like this: “Ellaru aathuleyum
nadakarthuthaane!”. It means such dysfunctions exist all around us, in all
families, so just learn to adjust, accommodate and go on. To be sure, I see the
wisdom in such thinking. It is profound. We must as humans definitely accept
the diversity about, in and around us. But what if the person in question, with
whom you have no chemistry, continues to give you a hard time? What if each
conversation is abrasive, each action is manipulative and you just don’t enjoy
meeting this person?
The best
way then, from what I have learned from my own experience, is that in
everyone’s interest – yours, the other party’s and in the interest of the
extended circle of influence – two people who cannot get along well must just
stay apart. I have learned also not to carry any grudges. Or hatred. I have
forgiven myself. And those that I cannot stand and who have hurt me or betrayed
my trust. Even so, I cannot forget what has happened to me through experiences
arising from such dysfunctional relationships. I know I
can’t delete those chapters from my Life. So I have chosen not to revisit them!
Simple.
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