An integral part of parenting is
having honest conversations with your child.
The
internet is agog with the story of Heidi Johnson, alias Estella, a single
parent, who wrote a letter to her 13-year-old son Aaron. There is nothing new
in this parent-child skirmish – it is played out in every home at some point or
the other. Except in Aaron’s case, his mother decided to teach him a lesson on
“his choice of wanting to be independent” by threating to charge him for rent,
internet and electricity. Estella posted her “offer”, that was contained in a
hand-written note to Aaron, on facebook. She was reacting to her son’s
statement to her that he was now “earning money” and hence was beyond her
“control”. Estella said she was open to this arrangement, and refused to accept
being treated like a room-mate and a door-mat, provided, Aaron paid for some of
their living expenses. She concluded her note with a beautiful
open-to-negotiate sign-off: “If you decide you would rather be MY CHILD again
instead of a roommate, we can negotiate terms.”
The letter went viral and has generated over a
100,000 likes and 200,000 shares. There have been people in favor of Estella’s
stand and there are those who are both criticizing and critiquing it. The
verdict is clearly polarized.
In my opinion, Estella makes a valid point. She
says, if you want to behave like an adult, who claims to know everything, then
let’s talk business. And I don’t think she’s wrong with this approach. Yes, did
Estella have to post her letter on facebook – well, that’s debatable. Even so,
she has clarified that she never thought her note, which she had intended only
for her family and close friends to see, would ever go viral.
Having honest conversations with your child is an
integral part of parenting. It is a responsibility. The way to have these
conversations is to be unemotional. And this is where Estella’s communication
scores. More often than not, parents communicate asserting emotional authority
or with the all-too-predictable I-know-it-all logic. Or they are dismissive of
a child’s desire for independence, exploration, adventure or privacy with a
how-dare-you attitude. Fundamentally, all parents must recognize that their
children are thinking, feeling, independent, individuals. They have a mind of
their own. They need not be inclined to live their parents lives – be it by way
of values or opinions or outlook or relationships or careers. Yes, it is a
parent’s responsibility to inspire and inculcate humane and ethical values in a
child. But beyond that the parent cannot expect the child to follow those
values to the “T”. Even so, surely, when there is a divergence between what a
parent expects and what a child does, the parent has to sit the child down and
have a candid chat. But that’s where it must end. If the child still wants to
do things her or his way, the parent has to let go. Clinging on to your parental
view or fighting the child’s choice is bound to create avoidable friction and
often has the potential to turn the child into a rebel.
The only way you – and I – have learnt in Life is
from experience. This is the only way your child too will learn. The
experiences will vary in context and intensity. But the learnings are often
very similar. So, let go and let your child simply be. Be a good parent, have an
honest conversation, but beyond that expect nothing. If your child takes your
advice, well, pat yourself for a job well done. If your child does not take
your advice, and decides to go her or his way, then simply wish your child well.
This is the best way to retain your sanity and inner peace.
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