You fail at something only when you
can’t – or refuse to – face the reality. Not when you try, fall and don’t
achieve the outcome you planned for.
I read
an interesting interview with American researcher, story teller and author,
Brene Brown, in a recent issue of TIME.
Her most recent book Rising Strong
has just been released and deals with the subject of failure. Brown tells
Belinda Luscombe of TIME, “We are
handling failure with a lot of lip service. When failure doesn’t hurt, it’s not
failure. He or she who is most capable of being uncomfortable rises the fastest…Shame
needs three things to grow: secrecy, silence and judgment.”
I can
relate to every word of what Brown is saying. I come from the view that nobody
fails at anything just because the outcomes are not what society expects or
what you want. Failure and success are but social labels. They come from
judgment. Now, why judge anyone for any reason in the first place? So, when
Brown says that one’s capacity to deal with being uncomfortable contributes to
rising strong, she’s right! What does being uncomfortable mean? It means you
don’t like what you are seeing. It means you are honest to yourself and are
seeing the reality as it is. You are not in denial. When you accept a
situation, you can handle it much, much better than when you don’t accept it. It’s
as simple as that.
A friend of ours is separating from her
husband. Now two people, mature adults, are concluding that they can’t be together
anymore. Where is the need for failure as a label to come in here? But it does.
The families of both people are labeling the marriage as a failure. And they
don’t like our friend talking openly about it. They are trying to cover-up the
separation as something that is bad, as if something grave has happened. But
our friend is very clear. She says, “Listen, it is not working out. I didn’t
sign up for this to be unhappy. I am very unhappy in his presence. I am moving
on.” This ability to face the reality, to accept an uncomfortable truth that it’s
all over (in the context of our friend’s marriage) – this is what determines
how strongly you rise from a setback. Earlier this week, actors Konkona Sen
Sharma and Ranvir Shorey too handled their separation – or their ‘failed’
marriage per a social definition – admirably. Here’s what Konkona tweeted: “Ranvir and
I have mutually decided to separate, but continue to be friends and co-parent
our son. Will appreciate your support. Thank you!”
We must all realize that things just happen
in Life. We don’t always get what we want. To feel shameful of a situation is
never going to help change it. Shame breeds guilt over what you may have done.
Covering up an outcome that you don’t like to accept doesn’t help either. It is
only going to accentuate your stress. And please don’t judge yourself. We all
try. And we often don’t get what we set out to achieve. The logical next step
is to try again – and try differently. It is not to sit and brood over what has
happened.
I would go a step further than Brown and
say there is nothing called failure. Or success. Both are subjective and are
defined by a society that judges people far too quickly without ever having
been in their shoes. I think you fail at something only when you refuse to face
it. When you face a situation, when you see and accept reality, your desire to
change that reality spurs you into action. Only through action
can there be change, progress – and inner peace!
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