When your child makes an unconventional
choice, celebrate, rather than worry!
Yesterday we met a
gentleman who said he was concerned that his son, after his 12th
grade, wanted to pursue a career in art. What the man was perplexed about was
that his child had never “demonstrated artistic talent” and yet he wanted to
join a foundational undergrad program in art and follow it up with a two-year
Master’s degree at some point.
I asked the gentleman
what exactly was his concern.
He replied: “I wanted my
son to have a basic qualification before
he embarked on a career in art.”
By basic, what the man really meant is, doing a conventional degree in medicine, engineering, pure sciences, math,
law or literature and such. And why does such a basic qualification matter? Because, as popular perception defines
it, starting career plans in these fields are more stable and income, earning a
living, doesn’t pose a challenge.
But what about doing what
you love doing? What about passion?
“Well,” said the man, “Passion
won’t go anywhere. You can always pursue passion later on in Life after you
earn some money and save enough to last your lifetime!”
The gentleman is not
alone. This is how most of the world thinks, works and lives. A majority of the
people believe Life must and will progress linearly. Which is you finish
school, go through college, get a job, earn an income, raise a family, build a
house, put your kids through school and college, retire and post-retirement you
try to follow your bliss – health and time (on the planet) permitting – and, eventually,
you die. Even assuming that this linear progression and its attendant monotony
is sufferable, there is no guarantee that anyone’s Life progresses along this
straight path. A health challenge here, a relationship issue there, a career
low or a fundamental skills issue (because you have opted to do something only
because it pays you and not because you love doing it) – all this and more
makes your Life path look like an ECG reading, often even treacherous to
survive! So, after battling Life’s ups and downs, when you finally have reached
a point when you can afford to go do what you love doing, you are either too
exhausted and Life-weary or you just have run out of time!
Now, this perspective is not just about the career
choices that your child may make. It is the best way forward for you – for your
own inner peace – for all your child’s Life choices.
A fundamental principle of good, mature,
intelligent parenting is to not try to live the lives of your kids. Simply, don’t
come in their way. Don’t try to protect them. Yes, it is a natural tendency to
tell them what you believe they must be doing. But say it suggestively and be
done with it. Don’t impose your views. Don’t sweat over them. Don’t worry for
them. Remember that they are individuals in their own right. They have an
independent, intelligent mind – after all, they are your children! So, they want to go out into the big, bountiful
world and experiment. They have a right to do what they love doing. And we must
never come in their way.
What is the worst that can happen to your child if
your child’s choice – of career or relationship or whatever – doesn’t work out?
Critically time would have been lost during the tenure of the “experiment”. But
how can you ever compute the value of the learning the experience will give
your child? The experience of immersing in what she or he loves doing, the
experience of selling a value proposition to the world, the experience of being
rejected, the experience of thinking out of the box, the experience of stumbling,
struggling, falling and standing up again. And how can you even put a value to
whatever is making your child happy?
Yes, if a child is embracing a ruinous habit or
when, for whatever reason, the child is straying on the wrong side of law or going
against the principles of humanity, it is your duty as a parent to stand up and
red flag that moment. But again, there are no guarantees that you will be heard
or that your sane counsel will prevail. So, we come back to the same principle –
suggest, advice and be done with it. Remember, in such cases, when you are not
heard, you have not failed. It is just that your child’s learning curve is
steeper!
I believe we can give our children only two things –
roots, foundational values, on how Life can and must be lived and wings, freedom,
so they can fly away. Why would you want
to keep your child entrapped in your shadow? Why would you not let her or him
just be, let her or him free, to fly away and touch the sky?
Well said. Very important post and a MUST read for every parents.
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