The way to live free from suffering

We suffer only when we try to control outcomes and do not accept Life for the way it is.

Last night I received a mail from a reader of my Book – “Fall Like A Rose Petal – A father’s lessons on how to be happy and content while living without money” (Westland, August 2014). He wrote saying that the story of my Life resonated with his own. He thanked me for the strength he gained after reading my Book. He confessed that he had been very upset with his own Life – being out of job, struggling to make ends meet and yet having to pay for his son’s education. He had for a long time held himself responsible and guilty for his “errors in judgment” that had led to his wife and son having to undergo so much stress along with him. He said at one point he wanted to delete his LinkedIn account because he didn’t want to connect with anyone.

Now, what has a LinkedIn account got to do with feeling defeated and lost in Life? Well, sometimes, it has everything to do with feeling depressed. I have been there and felt so too. Not just LinkedIn, you, when you are suffering from loss and failure – despite your best efforts – just don’t want to believe in Life or anyone or any opportunity anymore. You just want to go into a cave and not come out. You prefer the darkness in your Life – and love wallowing in self-pity. Indeed. Sometimes, suffering can, strangely, make you feel comfortable with all your pain and agony.

It is in such times that you must ask yourself the following questions: Is feeling depressed going to help you deal with your Life situation any better? Will ripping down a LinkedIn profile or quitting facebook or not wanting to meet anyone help you solve your problems? Will sulking ever make you happy? If you answer ‘yes’ to any of these questions, then your choosing to be that way is well worth it. But no one can honestly answer ‘yes’ to those questions. The truth is suffering is convenient. It does not require any great effort. Whenever there’s pain, suffering follows. You don’t have to do anything to suffer. Just hate and resist the pain – which is quiet natural again – and you will suffer. But if you want to avoid suffering, you must work on accepting whatever is causing you pain. And that’s a lot of work. That work becomes easier to do when you realize that there’s no point resisting whatever’s causing you pain, or hating the Life you have. Because resisting pain does not make it go away. Accepting it doesn’t make it go away either. But when you accept pain, or any situation in Life, you don’t suffer. When there’s no suffering, the mind is clear and focused. Solutions stand a better chance of emerging from a mind that’s free from clutter and is focused than from a confused, depressed state of mind.

Remember that you can only control your efforts. You cannot control the outcomes of your efforts. So, make all your efforts but accept the outcomes as they are. That’s the way to live free from suffering in Life!

To be happy, stop wanting and start being

There is no price to be paid for happiness. Yet it is the most prized and priceless possession!

I met a young man just now who said he had chosen to lead the marketing function for an institution that groomed next gen leaders, instead of joining a tech start-up, because the marketing role was closer to his idea of “happiness”. I salute the young man. How many people really care to follow their bliss, or choose to do what gives them joy? Most people’s choices are driven by the earning potential these choices offer than by the opportunity to be happy doing what they end up doing!

You cannot be happy by working harder, being more successful or by having more wealth. You can be happy only by being yourself. Your natural state is happiness. And if you are unhappy, it is in going back to that native state is where you will find happiness again. Within you. That state can be found by stopping to think who we think we are. You are not your degree, you are not your position, you are not your apartment or car or bank balance. You are you. Just you.

I met someone, a noted movie actor, sometime ago who was saying he was upset with the way certain sections of the industry were treating him. He was well past his prime but felt he must still be treated like a star. And he was suffering because of the way some young turks in the industry were ignoring him. His suffering came from his idea of himself. Not from his real Self. His real Self was pristine, past its professional prime, but beautiful, remarkable and talented. But his idea of himself as a star was hurting him. That was the cause of his unhappiness.

There is no blame game in this. All of us have a skewed idea of who we are. Because we are often asked this question – ‘what do you do?” So, we end up thinking that we need to have a calling card, a vocation, a social perch, a money-making crutch to answer a question that really means ‘who are you’ but is disguised as ‘what do you do?’. Now if you answered this question saying I am a doctor, a lawyer, an actor or a teacher, you are fine; you are socially correct and ‘respectable’ therefore. But supposing you said, in response to the ‘what do you do?’ question: ‘I live’ or ‘I enjoy’ or ‘I just be’, you would be seen as a ‘socially (in)different being’. But those answers are the ones that really pertain to you. And if you understand the question, understand the answers to be true, only then will you understand happiness.

Happiness is loving what is. Simple. So, stop wanting and start being. You will be happy. Instantaneously!

In the order of the Master Plan, you will find peace

Don't try to disturb or change what Life has provided for you. And that may include how things turn out or how some people you know are behaving with you.

There’s nothing wrong with the ways events have happened, or are happening, or the way people are or even the way you are. Everything is just the way Life has ordered (some people will like to believe it as ordained) it to be. There’s a natural order to the Universe. To the way people, situations, events and even objects are placed. Each of these arrangements is perfect in their own way. To grieve about why things, events or people are the way they are is a sign of lack of understanding of Life!

Yesterday, an event that the Odyssey bookstore had organized for us – for my Book, “Fall Like A Rose Petal – A father’s lessons on how to be happy and content while living without money” (Westland, August 2014), was completely rained out. The organizers expected 100 people. But only less than 20 managed to brave the inclement weather. I was not disheartened though. And I encouraged the organizers too to take it easy. I said, “Everything is the way it should be. When you expect things to be any different from what they are, you invite agony into your Life.”

So, if you seek peace and happiness, just accept what is and you will never have a problem. I am reminded of a Zen story. A very wealthy man asked a Zen Master for a text which would always remind him how happy he was with his family. The Zen Master took some parchment and, in beautiful calligraphy, wrote: “The father dies. The son dies. The grandson dies.” “What?” exclaimed the rich man, furiously. “I asked you for something to inspire me, some teaching which might be respectfully contemplated by future generations, and you give me something as depressing and gloomy as these words?” he thundered. “You asked me for something which would remind you of the happiness of living together with your family. If your son dies first, everyone will be devastated by the pain. If your grandson dies, it would be an unbearable experience. However, if your family disappears in the order in which I have suggested they do, this is the natural course of Life. Thus, although you will have to face moments of pain, with each departure, the generations will continue, and your legacy will be long-lasting," explained the wise Master.

So, the Master Plan of your Life__and mine__is beautifully crafted, engineered, if you like, to ensure that we live, learn and leave in peace. Only when we wish that the cosmic design, the Master Plan, be different than what it is now, do we suffer. So, let everything __ people, events, situations __ just be. In the order of the Master Plan, that has no flaws, you will find peace. 

Life’s decree is our reality: live guilt-free

Journey through Life with zero guilt.

You did what you did. It's over. To carry that guilt in you is like holding on to a glass of water with your arm stretched out. Do this exercise. Fill a tall glass of water to the brim. Hold it in your right hand. Make sure your right arm is stretched. Stay that way for as long as you can. Observe your reactions as the clock ticks away. Within a few minutes your arm starts aching, your face starts twitching and you begin to lose the fun in the game, the exercise! All you can feel is the pain. This is exactly what happens when you carry guilt in you.

In doing what you did, if you caused pain or injury to another person, please do apologize, from your inner recesses. Don’t worry about whether or not the other person is willing to accept your apology. Forgive yourself too. And live with the consequences of your action, whatever they may be, in acceptance, than with guilt.

"No amount of guilt can change the past, and no amount of worrying can change the future. Go easy on yourself, for the outcome of all affairs is determined by Allaah’s decree. If something is meant to go elsewhere, it will never come your way, but if it is yours by destiny, from it you cannot flee," says Umar Ibn Al-Khattaab, (590 BC ~ 644 BC) who was a leading companion and adviser to the Islamic prophet Muhammad who later became the second Muslim Caliph after Muhammad's death.

Allaah, Jesus or Ram, whosever decree it is, understand that Life has a mind of its own. And Life's decree is our reality. Replace guilt in each situation with forgiveness__of yourself__and gratitude__to Life, for the experience and the learning. Live guilt-free!

“Unbroken” Spirit: An inspiration from our own “Magic” Johnson

Physical – and financial – limitations cannot debilitate your spirit if you choose to stay strong.

Every once in a way, Life will pin you down and nail your feet to the ground. You will feel crippled, beaten, battered and burnt out. That’s when you must make a choice – to stay strong. Staying strong is not rhetoric. It is an imperative in Life situations when you have no other evidence, except your own self-will, to assure you that you will prevail – no matter how grim your situation may be.

The other day a friend of mine called me to say that he was feeling disillusioned and defeated. He is out of job, has cash to last just three more months and is very anxious about his future. He said he feared if he would even be able to provide for his young daughter’s education going forward. I could empathize with him completely. I have been out of work – and out of cash – for over 28 months now. No matter what we try, and what we do, work, and therefore income, remains elusive. In fact, it is in the darkest hour of my Life, that I wrote my first Book – “Fall Like A Rose Petal – A father’s lessons on how to be happy and content while living without money” (Westland, August 2014). I am humbled that my Book’s been sold out since its launch and my publisher has gone in for a reprint! My friend asked me, how do I manage to stay positive, and how did I manage to write a spiritual, uplifting Book, when my own situation was “grim and grave”. I must confess I also get drawn into depressive spirals. People, situations, events – none of these are in your control. Anyone – or anything – can cause your inner equilibrium to be disturbed. But every time I am disturbed or am plunging into a depression, my awareness – spurred by my daily practice of mouna (observing silence periods) – helps me leap back into staying calm, peaceful and anchored. The other thing I do consistently is to look around me and get inspired by Life, by people and by nature. When I do that I discover, every single time, how blessed I am in Life – despite my circumstances. That way, I celebrate my blessings, feel grateful, pick up myself and move on!

Madathinakath "Magic" Johnson
Photo Courtesy: The New Indian Express/T.P.Sooraj

My latest dose of inspiration came from a story buried in the inside pages (sad – I would have preferred it on Page 1 as the lead feature in all editions) of this morning’s The New Indian Express. Ashwathi Krishna reports from Kozhikode (Kerala) about this amazing man, Madathinakath Johnson, who despite being crippled by polio leads a Life of dignity and creates value through his business. Johnson, now 45, was paralyzed by polio when he was barely six months old. But over the years of growing up, Johnson learnt to overcome his physical limitations. He set up a company, M-Digital, that makes energy-efficient lighting systems – LED lamps, solar-powered lamps and such – in 1993. Today his clientele are both from the institutional and retail sectors. His company’s products are available in 50 stores across Kerala. He starts his busy day with a prayer at 5 AM and believes that he must do whatever it takes to promote awareness of energy conservation and alternate energy sources – especially among the youth.

When I read the story, I told myself: “Bravo, “Magic” Johnson!” American basketball legend Earvin “Magic” Johnson was first called “Magic” in 1974 when he was a star at his school. He was given the nickname by a sports writer who had just seen the 15-year-old prepster notch 36 points, 16 rebounds and 16 assists. But to me, Madathinakath Johnson is our very own “Magic” Johnson! Reading about him this morning made my spirt soar. I realized, one another time, that it is so easy for us to drown ourselves in self-pity. The smallest of our unmet expectations can drive us to despair. When we are lamenting about what we did not get or do not have, we miss the opportunity to try out different things. If one route is not working, we fail to see if there’s another way of doing things. Our self-obsession with our problems leads us to imagine that we are cursed and doomed. That’s when, as I learnt to do, we must look around us and we will find not one, but a million, inspirations like Madathinakath “Magic” Johnson.

I inject myself with the spirit of people like “Magic” Johnson daily. That’s how I stay anchored, focused and on the path. That’s how, even if depression taunts and tempts me, I don’t succumb. That’s how, really, despite all that which may paralyze you, you too can ensure that your spirit is untouched – and unbroken!

Stay Humble, Stay Grounded: Life lessons from 3 legends

However high you rise, whatever you achieve, remain anchored.

Someone I know called me the other day to tell me that she had achieved a rare distinction – rarely accorded to any Indian. While I appreciate that she felt elated about her success – and she, undoubtedly, is entitled to that feeling – I couldn’t escape the streak of, evidently insolent, pride in her. It was almost as if she was telling me, “Look at me. See what I have accomplished. Very few Indians have ever done this.” 

I have no problem if people feel good about their own achievements. But to be bombastic about a success defeats the opportunity to be joyful about it!

Amitabh Bachchan: Picture Courtesy - Internet

Dr.A.P.J.Abdul Kalam: Picture Courtesy - Internet

One of the hallmarks of great achievers is their ability to stay grounded no matter how successful they are. On last night’s Kaun Banega Crorepati (KBC) show, a young contestant wanted to know what kind of daily routine the show’s superstar anchor, Amitabh Bachchan, led. “I lead a normal Life like you,” said the venerable Big B, “I go for a morning walk, I eat a simple meal of dal and rotis, I go to work and I blog in the nights. All my stardom is just part of my work. I don’t live any differently than anyone else.” I was not surprised with his answer. Bachchan’s humility is legendary. Years back, in the early ‘90s, when I was posted in Thiruvananthapuram (Kerala) for India Today, I had a chance to meet Bachchan at a Children’s Film Festival reception. I walked up to him and introduced myself. He extended his hand to shake mine and said, “My name is Amitabh Bachchan.” I was taken aback. I told him that everyone here, of course, knew him and there was no need for him to introduce himself. He quickly replied, “I wasn’t sure I was known around here. It is always better to not imagine that people will know you.” Amazing, isn’t it? The other person who oozes humility is former Indian President Dr.A.P.J.Abdul Kalam. I remember reading somewhere that when he became President, a former colleague of his from ISRO (India Space Research Organization) called him up over phone to congratulate him. Kalam’s friend is said to have started the conversation thus: “I wonder how does one greet the President of India?” Obviously, the reference was to whether Kalam’s name was to be prefixed with a ‘Your Excellency’ or an ‘Honorable Sir’. But Kalam is believed to have quipped, with his famed humility and wit, “Well, you just say ‘Hello’!”

Ilayaraaja: Picture Courtesy- Internet

I have come to understand that the difference between high-achievers and others is that the former are very evolved. They realize, soon enough, that all their fame and glory is not something that is entirely their doing, that their talent and success are a blessing from a Higher Energy, that everything is transient – including their success which makes them so famous. Music maestro Ilayaraaja says it beautifully, “None of us achieves anything. Everything happens through us.” Such a simple yet brilliant perspective to living!

In fact, I have learnt that when we realize that Life happens in spite of us, and not because of us, we awaken. And it is only the awakened who can stay anchored – and stay humble and grounded!

Make your work and Life meaningful, make them your prayer!

When your work becomes purposeful, it becomes prayer. When your work becomes prayer, you lose yourself in the work you are doing – and become the work itself!

Kailash Satyarthi
Picture Courtesy: Internet

The other day, I was reading an interview that 2014 Nobel Peace Laureate Kailash Satyarthi gave the Times of India’s Nalin Mehta. Satyarthi told Mehta: “Pride, honours and awards don’t matter much to me personally. I am not a saint but I’m driven by spiritualism, not political theories or mere emotions.” Mehta then asks Satyarthi: “Please explain your spiritualism.” And Satyarthi replies: “I am not a religious person. I’ve not gone to a temple or mosque in the last 40 years. I don’t worship in temples because I worship children — by giving them freedom and childhood. They are the true faces of God and that is my strength.”

Satyarthi personifies the “work-becomes-prayer” paradigm. I can completely relate to what he is saying. Most people, in fact almost everyone, work to make a living. Hardly a few, of the world’s seven billion people, work to make another Life or work to make a difference to others’ lives. It is only when you immerse yourself in your work, without worrying about what’s in it for you, that your work becomes purposeful. That’s when it becomes prayer. And unless your work becomes prayer, you cannot create value. You cannot become the work itself. This is evident mostly in the field of art – as Osho, the Master, has famously said, “When the dancer becomes the dance, magic happens!” So, you see that magic when Federer or Tendulkar play, you see that magic when Birju Maharaj dances, when Ustad Zakir Hussain plays the tabla, when Amitabh Bachchan acts, when Asha Bhosle sings or when A R Rahman makes music. The same possibility, to excel and create value, exists in other vocations as well. When you pour yourself into your work, when you offer yourself and your work as an offering to the Universe – you don’t just work, you create value. This is what Satyarthi was explaining as his spiritualism. And what he has achieved, is imminently possible by each of us. We too can create value and make our work our prayer. What we need to do is to stop earning a living and simply live – doing what gives us joy and do it consistently and well.

Your work becoming your prayer does not mean that you will not faces hurdles in Life. Satyarthi too has faced a lot of challenges in his lifelong efforts to deal with child labor in India effectively. But when you work with a sense of purpose that drives you, you remain unfazed. That’s when, despite all odds, you will figure out ways to keep ploughing on. As Harivansh Rai Bachchan has said in his immortal poem, “lahron se dar kar nauka par nahi hoti, kosish karne walon ki kabhi har nahi hoti” meaning “by fearing the waves, a boat can never make progress, those who keep trying can never fail”.

Whatever you do, do it with a sense of purpose. Make your work and Life meaningful. Watch it become your prayer. And feel the magic, as Osho says, of the work becoming you and you becoming your work!