Stop “searching” for happiness, simply learn to “be” happy!

To be in pursuit of happiness will actually lead you to despair. But to “be” happy in the now, with “what is”, you only need to make a simple decision: which is to accept whatever you have and learn to love it.

Let's consider what are the common factors that make you unhappy: 1. Not getting what you want. 2. Not finding someone agreeing to your point of view. 3. Having someone work against your interest 4. Losing something or someone you love most 5. Fear, worry, anxiety of the unknown future 6. A memory of a past that you desperately want to relive. Now, look at these six factors once again. Ask yourself: 1. Do I really need what I want? 2. Is it necessary for someone to agree with me on everything for me to live with that person? 3. Is a detractor's scheming design more powerful than my integrity of purpose? 4. Can my yearning for someone or something bring back what I have lost, what is over? 5. Can I not replace Fear with Faith? 6. Can I really go back in time? When you ask yourself these sensible, practical questions, you begin to realize the futility of your search for happiness. You will then simply learn to be happy!

Happiness is not something that you can order. It is not something that you can dictate or demand be delivered to you subject to certain pre-conditions that you set. Happiness is what will dawn on you, that which will drench you, when you accept Life's pre-condition which is to decide not to set any pre-conditions! (If you don’t get it the first time, there’s no harm in re-reading the previous sentence.) Happiness, therefore, is a decision. Haven't you often caught yourself or someone you know searching for their reading glasses all over the place, while it is all along resting on their forehead? That's how absurd or banal our pursuit of happiness really is. It is who you__and I__are. It is in us and we keep searching for it, pining for it? How will we ever find it this way?

When you decide not to look for it and be it, you will find it – in the here and now. Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get. That decision to want what you are getting from Life, in Life, is the only one you need to make to be happy. So decide. Make an intelligent choice. And live happily ever after.

Comparisons get no one anywhere

Learn not to compare people or yourself with others. Know that everyone’s Life design, including yours, is unique.

The other day we were at dinner at a friend’s place. The conversation veered around the new Indian Super League that features football clubs from across the country competing in a never-before format. Someone wanted to know who owned the club from Chennai – Chennaiyin FC. When she was told that it was co-owned by the Bollywood star Abhishek Bachchan (AB Jr) she remarked sarcastically, “Now that he’s not doing well in films, he has taken to sports, is it?”

She then went on to berate AB Jr: “He’s not a patch on his legendary father. His father is such an iconic star. This guy pales in comparison.”

I am not going to defend AB Jr, though I must confess that I like him. People do have mixed views about him and his work – just as they do of any film actor. I believe, for instance, in Mani Ratnam’s Yuva (2004) and Guru (2007), AB Jr was exceptional. And he has been consistently good in several other films – although many of them have not been very successful at the Box Office. I haven’t met him personally but I know several people who have worked with him – and all of them uniformly attest that he is an exceptionally warm, friendly person, a livewire on the sets and a thorough professional. Indeed, AB Sr, the venerable Amitabh Bachchan, is a Super Star. And he is light years ahead in the business – not just ahead of his son, but of almost everyone else! So I wonder why we must compare father and son – and, therefore, constantly judge AB Jr with a clear, unavoidable bias toward his father?

All of us have this urge to compare ourselves with others and others with still others. Comparisons lead us to one of two outcomes – a superiority complex or an inferiority complex. Both outcomes are manifestations of the ego. The truth is that you compare yourself with others because you are egoistic. So, if you stop comparing, you will have effectively dropped the ego.

Osho, the Master, asks us to learn from nature. He cites the example of a man standing in front of a tall tree and saying that he feels small. There are so many small trees and shrubs around this tall tree – but they don’t express their “smallness”. They simply go on living, swaying in the wind and co-existing in the presence of the tall tree. Why does this man alone feel small in front of the tall tree? Osho tells us that only we, humans, compare. And that’s because we allow our egos to lead us. Similarly, we are the only species who judge others. A is better than B. B is inferior to C. AB Jr is not as good as his father. NaMo is better than Manmohan Singh. Shoba De is better than Arundhati Roy. And on and on we go. Passing judgment. Comparing people. And presiding over our ill-informed, half-baked opinions – reassuring ourselves that we are the most important specimen in our species.

Comparing yourself with others and feeling superior leads you to insecurity, and through that to suffering – because you never want to lose that social (superior) status. Comparing yourself with others and feeling inferior leads you to suffering because you are constantly pining to become something or someone that you are not. Bottomline – in either case, you are inviting suffering into your Life. You must realize that no matter how hard you compare yourself with others or judge others in comparison with others, comparisons have absolutely no use. You will be who you are. And people you compare yourself – or others – with will be who they are. Comparisons, therefore, are a total waste of time and precious personal energy. They get no one anywhere.

The intelligent way to live is to know who you are and simply be at peace with yourself. And even if you don’t know who you are, just being at peace with the way you are, avoiding comparing yourself with others, is the way to be! 

Don’t flee from Life, face it!

Have the audacity to face Life. Look your most difficult moments in the eye.

Last evening, we were visited by a family which has got mired in a web of circumstances. The father, who is a Director in a firm, had signed several personal guarantees for financial transactions on behalf the firm. The promoters of the firm embezzled the money and vanished. This gentleman now is having to face the consequences of the firm’s transactions and is accountable to the firm’s creditors for monies owed to them. His wife and two daughters brought him to us – so that he can get some direction on how to deal with creditors in a situation like this. The gentleman, with his limited wisdom and experience, and also fearful of the ire of his firm’s creditors, asked me if he too must “vanish” from the scene. I told him that I wouldn’t advise that he takes such a step. I said that he cannot disrupt the lives and education of his daughters and make them pay for his wrong choice of associating with that firm and for the firm’s questionable dealings. I advised him to seek legal opinion and figure out a way where he could disassociate physically from the firm. In the meantime, I advised him to meet all the creditors, individually, and explain to them why he too is a victim of the circumstances and why he doesn’t have the means to pay any of their dues.

“But taking that route means I will have to face the anger of the creditors. They won’t believe me. They will deal with me very harshly,” feared the gentleman.

“You don’t have a choice Sir. While they will be belligerent at first, they will also appreciate your proactive and responsible behavior. You will have to convince them of your sincerity and genuineness. This is your singular option right now and the only way you can, over time, get out of this mess,” I explained.

The gentleman and his family went away promising to act on my advice. Whether they do that or not is entirely up to them. I hope they will. Because running away from a problem does not make the problem go away. Facing a problem too does not make the problem go away. But when you face a problem, there’s no chasing, there’s no expending of precious energy wastefully. That energy can be employed in solving the problem instead.

But the normal tendency we all have is to run __ from challenges, responsibilities and consequences __ away from Life. Instead stand up and face it. Look at tough situations and say that you are going nowhere and you intend lasting the journey. When you do that, you will find no peak difficult to scale, no challenge impossible to overcome and no trouble that obstructs your path forward.

How do you get this quality called courage in you? By knowing that what you are going through is a test and that the lesson will appear only when you face the test and survive it. By knowing also that nothing is permanent __ not money, not Life, not troubles, not opportunities. When you face Life with such clarity and equanimity, you will be unshakeable. You will have what the world calls courage. And with courage you can last any journey, however impossible and treacherous it may be. Swami Vivekananda couldn’t have said it more appropriately: “Face the brutes. That is a lesson for all Life—face the terrible, face it boldly. Like the monkeys, the hardships of Life fall back when we cease to flee before them.”

Servant-mindedness makes living beautiful!

Self-Awareness, understanding the true nature and purpose of your creation, is not just a spiritual pursuit, it is a key ingredient for intelligent, daily living.

And Self-Awareness is not something that you acquire by abstinence. It is something that you attain by refusing to get tempted by Life’s myriad choices __ some of them ruinous, others plain distractions. Self-Awareness begins by just being aware. Of your breathing. Of the smallest detail in your surroundings. Of every nuance of your everyday Life. It is about learning to smile at yourself in the mirror as you brush every morning. It is about savoring every morsel of your breakfast. It is about noticing the color of the sky as you commute to work. It is about greeting a stranger with a smile today. It is about remembering what time your kids will get back home from school. It is about thanking Life for another day before retiring. These are just a sampling of everyday moments __ that all of us uniformly go through __ and yet don’t remember having gone through. Awareness begins with remembering these daily. That is when you start appreciating the beauty and equality in all creation.

You will then realize that you are better endowed by Life’s blessings __ a better education, a better income and a better intelligence. The reality is that most of the time, you are unaware of your blessings and, besides, even if you are aware, you don’t use them for the welfare of others almost all the time. When you awaken, when you reach this stage of awareness of your true Self, you will find greater meaning to your everyday actions. Your Self-Awareness will lead you to understanding why you are here, on the planet, in the first place! You will then either stop doing all things that benefit only you or you will begin to take an active interest in serving others.

When you lead Life with such clarity, such servant-mindedness, you will find that every day is beautiful. You will then stop cribbing and start living! 

Be true to yourself: others perceptions of you are irrelevant

In any situation, be truthful than being tactful. When you are true to yourself, nothing – and no one – can embarrass you.  

Some weeks ago, we were at a wedding of a close friend’s daughter. It was among the top-billed weddings in Chennai that season. Our friend is a very successful professional and is very well networked in social and business circles. There were 3000 guests at the wedding and the traffic cops had a huge job on their hands regulating vehicle movement outside the wedding venue. As we were exiting from the venue, one of the families we know was also coming out. There was our friend, his wife and their two young sons. They don’t live in India. They had flown down from the Middle East for the wedding. Our friend’s wife was unable to reach their driver and so she wondered if we could drop them to their hotel before we went home.

“Hey can we squeeze in and hitch a ride to our hotel in your car,” asked the lady.

“Sure,” replied my wife, “except that we don’t have a car. And you will have to come with us in an auto-rickshaw. However, we will need to engage two auto-rickshaws if all of us need to make it.”

“What? You don’t have a car?” the lady exclaimed.

“No. We don’t. Not sure if you know this, but, we are going through a financial crisis. We sold our car some time ago. We now use public transport,” explained my wife.

The lady was aghast. She stared at me and my wife in utter disbelief. Here we were, all of us guests at a big, fat, rich, Indian wedding. It is that sort of an event where the clothes you wear, the perfume you use, the jewelry you flaunt and the vehicle you arrive in really determine how you are perceived by everyone else. And here was someone who says they used public transport to get here?

The lady did not hide her sense of shock. “Oh! I didn’t know this. Don’t worry, we will manage,” she said, trying to sound both apologetic and reassuring. The family soon found their car, while we found an auto-rickshaw. We all bade our goodbyes and went our ways.

Saying the truth as it is, in any situation, has always worked out for us. We prefer wearing our Life on our sleeves than pretending to be different from who we actually are. And, honestly, this is the best way to live. Be open. Be transparent. Be truthful.

One of the most important aspects of intelligent living to remember is that we are not what we wear, what we drive or where we live. All these are impermanent and perishable aspects of our Life. What is permanent, and will live on, even beyond our physical form is the real Self – our soul. And even if the soul theory doesn’t make immediate sense, a practical perspective to consider is that how we are perceived by others is really irrelevant in the context of our lives. If someone does not want to respect you as a human being because you no longer have the means to afford an upwardly mobile lifestyle, such a friendship – if you can call it one – is really flaky and meaningless. On the other hand, if people will flock to you only because you flaunt an “impressive and socially inspiring” lifestyle, then again they are not friends – they are opportunists.

I don’t mean to say that it is okay to dress inappropriately or disregard social customs or tradition. Nor am I saying that we should be apologetic – and brooding – for circumstances beyond our control. What I am saying though is that, in any context, just feel good and feel proud of who you are – the way you are! The simple thumb rule to follow is this – never project an image of yourself that you really are not.  When you are this way, you are at peace with your circumstances, with your reality. This is the key to happiness. If people around you are uncomfortable with you and your reality, well, it really is their problem. Not yours! Isn’t that plain and simple?

Finding inner peace in discomfort

Sometimes, you just have to learn to accept whatever – or whoever – you are uncomfortable with!

The last week saw a lot of theatrics by the Indian Prime Minister and his team in the United States. Indian media went gaga over his visit giving the impression that India’s finest hour had arrived on the global stage. For more pragmatic folks, and Modi critics, like me, while the “‘Namo’ste America” show – as billed by the venerable NDTV – had a lot of sound and light, phenomenal follow-up on the ground and actual results to be delivered over the next several months alone can determine whether Prime Minister Modi’s sarkar passes with an honorable distinction or not. Yet, here’s a man, who – despite having been morally accountable for Godhra, despite having left his wife without any ostensible explanation, despite all the charges of right-wing, read non-secular, activism he faces – is still India’s Prime Minister, the first one in 30 years to be a leading a government that has absolute majority in Parliament. Undoubtedly, he’s a fine administrator, a brilliant communicator and a leader who commands respect among his followers. Even so, to me, personally, some of his credentials are hugely worrisome: his not-so-secular stances, his presiding over the Godhra carnage, his abandoning his unsuspecting, submissive wife – these are factors that make me squirm with discomfort that he’s leading my country now.

But do I – or others like me – have a choice?

The truth is he’s here to stay for five years – unless he or his government commits hara-kiri. The truth is that his government has the majority in Parliament to bulldoze whatever plans, policies or projects they may conceive. (Hopefully they won’t bulldoze non-secular ideologies down our throats!) The truth is the opposition, primarily the Congress (Disclosure: I am a forever Congressman at heart), is completely clueless on what it can and must possibly do. So, do we really have a choice?

PM Modi kicking off the Swach Bharat Abhiyan
Picture Courtesy: Internet

To be sure, some of the projects Modi has announced – particularly the Swach Bharat/Clean India campaign that he has kicked off today – are meaningful. And they are in sync with my own view as an Indian, that for India to transform, every Indian must transform. To cleanse India – figuratively, metaphorically and physically – we Indians must first clean up India.

So, over the past week, I seriously thought about my two views of Modi. Modi – the man, who I am very, very, very uncomfortable with for all the reasons that I have outlined. And Modi – my Prime Minister, who’s at least saying the right things, and some things, he saying them right too; things that were never expressed with as much clarity ever before. I realized that for my India to win, Modi has to win. My personal discomfort with the man cannot be the reason for me to be dismissive of his role as my country’s elected leader. When this clarity emerged in me, I found it easier to balance my personal discomfort with my view of our country’s much-needed, urgent – repair and rebuild – development agenda. I found myself at peace with this understanding taking root within me.

When we are uncomfortable with someone – or something – we have a choice to walk away from the scene. The other choice we have is to bury or swallow our discomfort and rally around or align with the person or the situation. Suffering though cannot be avoided in such a case. The third option is to accept the situation for what it is or the person for who they are and learn to live with that acceptance - and live in peace.

In the context under discussion, for instance, I realize that continuously criticizing Modi for the next five years for every move of his is only likely to make me more miserable. I also realize that I cannot support him at a personal level – I just can’t accept his value systems. So, I concluded that, while I am always going to be uncomfortable with his having been elected as our Prime Minister, I decided too that I am not going to expend precious personal energy ranting about him. Instead, I believe, choosing to stand with him on projects of national significance would be a more constructive approach. After all, the larger cause here is India’s development and progress and most certainly not who is leading India. Most definitely, I feel this approach will contribute to my inner peace.

Surely this approach will also work in any other context. The principle is very simple: When you are uncomfortable with a person or a situation, and if you can’t do anything to disengage completely, choose to accept whatever – or whoever – is and be at peace with yourself and your environment!

Your Life is more precious than your misery

To overcome betrayal, forgive and just wish the other person well. It is not difficult. It is simple.

Think of a situation when you have been let down, back-stabbed and left to feel like trash. It happened sometime surely in your Life. What was your response? Anger. Outrage. How-dare-you?: your mind keeps throbbing with this question. You sulk. You rant. You brood. At the end of it, your Life goes on. So does the other person’s. And what was the outcome of all that struggle? Pure misery for you.

Was all of this avoidable? Yes surely. All you needed to do was to wish the other person well and let that person be. You can also call this forgiveness. The person’s choice to betray you was their own. Why do you have to react to it violently? It is only when you react this way that you encounter misery. If you were to just accept the situation as is, wish that person well, I am not saying you will feel good, but definitely, you will not feel like trash or be miserable.

Know this: YOU WILL BE BETRAYED IN LIFE. Not ONCE, Not TWICE, but ‘n’ number of times! Yet, each time if you wish your detractor, your back-stabber, your betrayer, well, you can be peaceful. Ultimately, it is ONLY your peace that matters. When you are peaceful, Life in your circle of influence will be peaceful. When people see you peaceful they will retract from their positions of designed or happenstance hostility. Being miserable you cannot make the world a better place. Being peaceful you can make YOUR world better. You don’t have to be a martyr to do this. You just have to be human to see value in this proposition. Wish well, forgive and move on. The rest of your Life is more precious than you clinging on to your misery!