Celebrate Life, don’t cerebrate it

Life cannot be lived fully trying to make meaning out of it!

At one level Life is meaningless, in fact. You come with nothing. And you will go with nothing. So, what’s the point in doing anything about a Life which is meaningless? Undoubtedly, this argument will hold true if you bring logic into Life. But in reality you can’t apply logic to Life. And so you can’t derive any meaning.

A disciple asked his Sufi Master what is the meaning of Life?

The Master replied: “Can you tell me the meaning of a lotus flower? Or the meaning of a raindrop falling on you? If you can, I will tell you the meaning of Life.”

The disciple replied: “Master, a lotus flower is a lotus flower. And a raindrop is a raindrop. What’s the point in looking for a meaning beyond what you see, beyond what is.”

“Exactly my son. What’s the point in understanding the meaning of Life beyond what is? Life is what you experience, what you see, in a given moment. It keeps on happening, moment to moment,” explained the Master.

Life’s meaninglessness, inscrutable nature, makes it beautiful. Life has to be lived. Not understood. A 1000-rupee note is not an object of beauty. It has a utility. It has to be used. There’s meaning to money. But a lotus is beautiful. It is to be seen and celebrated. It does not have a meaning the way money has. Which is what Life is all about – it is a continuous celebration.

We miss this opportunity to celebrate each moment because we are leading our lives – working harder and longer than before – hoping that someday soon “everything will be fine” and we can live a perfect Life – happily ever after. The truth is everything’s fine with our Life, just the way it is, and a perfect Life may never be possible. So, in postponing the celebration, we are postponing living. Be sure, even on the day we die, our inboxes will not be empty, our to-do lists will still be pending and we will still be worried about incomplete goals and dreams in our lives! So, stop seeking for meaning in Life. Stop the cerebration of Life. Start celebrating it!

Don’t be in a relationship if you don’t relate anymore

If you have stopped relating to someone, step out of that relationship!

This is so important in a marriage when both husband and wife have stopped relating to each other – they must stop focussing on what each of them wants and instead look at what the kids need.

A couple we know have reached that point in their marriage where their differences are irreconcilable. Both of them are smart, intelligent and are earning well. They have been married for 17 years. And they have two young children – a boy who’s 12 and a girl who’s 6. Their differences have arisen from their individual definitions of happiness. The husband’s view of happiness is to work hard, earn well (he sure does), save a lot, stay at home as much as possible and immerse himself in his music – he’s a much sought after instrumentalist. The wife’s view of happiness is her career (she’s doing remarkably well too), a very active social Life, good shopping budgets, often dining at fine dining places and frequent, exotic vacations. Both of them have been unable, in all these years, to come to a common ground or definition of happiness. Especially after the birth of their daughter their different outlooks to Life have wrecked the peace between them. They have been sleeping in different rooms and end up having a fight over anything that they begin to talk to each other about. The boy, being at such an impressionable age, has been impacted majorly by their behavior and becomes violent every time his parents argue or fight among themselves.

Clearly the marriage between the couple is over. But they refuse to accept it. And continue to endure each other – while still getting at each other’s throats! This is causing the children to grow up in a very fractious environment at home. In all such unfortunate cases, parents must recognize that they have a huge responsibility towards their children. They have to ensure that the kids don’t grow up seeing strife at home. Even if it means the parents must separate for the kids’ sake!

Zig Ziglar (1926~2012), the great American motivational speaker, said this so well: “The greatest gift you can give your children is a happy marriage with your spouse.” And I believe if you can’t have a happy marriage then you must simply not have an unhappy one saying you are enduring it for the sake of the kids. In fact, if two people have stopped relating to each other – and that is evident when they develop different outlooks to Life or start sparring with each other – there is no point clinging on to labels like marriage or friendship or family. It is best they liberate themselves and each other.

Simply, no one can be happy trying to live Life based on another’s idea. When people come together in Life, as in a marriage, they bring their own individual ideas of Life to form a collective new idea for both of them. If this does not happen for any reason, and only a physical consummation happens, then there is no relating between them and so there’s no meaning in the marriage. In fact, marriage is at best just a label; a religious or legal framework in some cases, a social institution in some others! The word marriage does not make a relationship beautiful or meaningful. Continuing to relate to each other is what counts. Without even being married people can experience great love and companionship between them. And despite being married for years there are those who experience neither.

So, the key to living a full Life with anyone is to keep relating to that person. And when you do realize that you are not relating anymore, it’s best to let go or get out of it. For your sake, for everyone’s sake!

Let your divinity flow

The divine Godhead is in each of us. So, intrinsically, we all have this ability to be loving, be human and be compassionate. But all our conditioning, over the years, has suppressed this ability. We have become, driven by logic, and the what’s-in-it-for-me question in every transaction, cold, self-centered and so full of ourselves. Our self-obsession leaves us with no time or opportunity to love and care. However, a time will come, when all that conditioning will vanish, all the walls that we have built around us will be torn down, and what will remain is our true self – that which is capable of limitless love and compassion.

One of Aesop’s fables teaches us this lesson beautifully.

At a riverside, a scorpion requested of a turtle, “Please carry me to the other shore on your back.” The turtle says, “Do not be foolish. Do not think me to be stupid. You may sting me in the middle of the stream, and I will drown and die.” The scorpion said, “I am not foolish; rather, you are foolish because you do not know simple logic. I belong to the Aristotelian school. I am a logician. So I will teach you a simple lesson in logic, a simple solution. If I sting you and if you are drowned and dead, I will also die with you. So be sensible, be logical. I will not sting you. I cannot sting you.”

The turtle thought for a moment and then said, “Okay! It seems sensible. Hop on to me and off we go.” And exactly in the middle of their journey, midstream, the sting comes. They both are sinking now. Before the turtle dies it asks, “Where has your logic gone? You have done a very illogical thing, and you yourself said that this is simple logic, you will never do it, and now you have done it. Tell me before I die. Let me learn another lesson from your logic.”

The scorpion says, “It is not a question of logic at all. This is just my character, just my nature. I cannot be without it. I can talk about it. I cannot be without it. I am incapable, really.”

In pretty much the same way, all our coldness, all of our self-centeredness are all mere masks. Each of us, truly, is created to be loving, caring and human. As Jalaluddin Rumi, the 13^th Century Persian poet has said, “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

So, go on, seek those barriers within you – and remove them. Let your divinity flow – unfettered and freely!

Learning to be content may not be easy, but is simple

Every day is a new chance to learn to be content with the Life that you have.

Contentment, you are made to believe, is important to survive this lifetime. Those who propound this theory have a valid justification for it. There’s so much that happens in Life that does not meet your expectation. In fact, you end up getting so much in Life, from Life, that you don’t want. A lot of what happens in Life also causes suffering – especially when you resist what’s happening to you! So, the wise among us, those who have seen more of Life, advocate learning to be content. Which is to learn to live with what is. Than crave for something which is not!

But to be content, though it is simple to understand, is not easy to practice. The mind will always encourage or seduce you to pine for what is not. So, contentment simply comes from disciplining the mind. It comes from acceptance and from a deep understanding of what Life is all about.

Osho, the Master, explains it thus: “To be contented means: don’t expect anything from life, just live it moment to moment, and whatsoever it gives is just fantastic. Life goes on pouring infinite treasures on us. And because of this mind asking for more, we remain blind to those treasures. Once this constant noise for more stops, then this chirping of the bird is enough. There is nothing in it and all in it.”

When you start your journey seeking contentment you will first struggle with it. You will fall. But the key is to get up, dust yourself and keep walking. When you experience contentment for the first time it will blow you away. You will want more it. Then nothing in Life will affect you anymore – you will not be swayed by pleasure and you will not be held hostage by pain. All you will want is for that “feeling” of contentment to be perpetual. And you will do whatever it takes to continue to experience it. This is the way to bliss – when the past does not matter, when the future is irrelevant. What matters is that you are here, now, happy and content, with what is!

When you simply “are” you are bliss

When you are (present) you will experience Life in all its beauty, its majesty!

Whatever you do, do it while giving it your fullest attention. It may be the most mundane task, like helping your wife take out the peas from the pod, but if you are mindful about it you will see what a beautiful creation a pea pod is. Mindfulness is integral to the art of intelligent living!  

Here’s a Zen story I have heard some time back that illustrates this point.

A Zen Master saw five of his disciples return from the market, riding their bicycles. When they had dismounted, the Master asked the disciples: “Why are you riding your bicycles?”

The first disciple replied, “The bicycle is carrying this sack of potatoes. I am glad that I do not have to carry them on my back!” The Master praised the disciple, saying, “You are a smart boy. When you grow old, you will not walk hunched over, as I do.”

The second disciple replied, “I love to watch the trees and fields pass by as I roll down the path.” The Master commended the disciple, “Your eyes are open and you see the world.”

The third disciple replied, “When I ride my bicycle, I chant my prayers.” The Master gave praise to the third disciple, “Your mind will roll with the ease of a newly oiled wheel.”

The fourth disciple answered, “Riding my bicycle, I live in harmony with all beings.” The Master was pleased and said, “You are riding on the golden path of non-harming.”

The fifth disciple replied, “I ride my bicycle to ride my bicycle.” The Master went and sat at the feet of the fifth disciple, and said, “I am your disciple.”

The ability to simply be, without letting your mind wander, without worrying, without analyzing, is the only requirement for you to be (in) bliss – and experience inner peace and joy!

Halt the cycle of hatred

When someone hates you and so hurts you remember that person needs your understanding and help, not hatred in return.

It is normal, when someone offends you or hurts you, to try and get even with that person. After all a hurt is always difficult to deal with, forget getting over! But there’s another way to look at the situation and the person. Hating and hurting require a lot of negative energy. So, if someone is causing all that hurt that you are experiencing know that the person is full of negative energy. Thich Naht Hahn, the Vietnamese Buddhist monk, says this very beautifully: “When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help. That's the message he is sending.”

I have learned from experience that hating or hurting in return never helps. It only keeps the cycle of negativity alive. To expunge the negativity someone has to break that cycle. And that person can well be you! Whenever I feel hurt or offended, I send a silent prayer to the person who has caused it. I also try and reach out to the person and see if we can talk things over. But sometimes the differences are so deep and immediately irreconcilable that a conversation may not be possible or help. In such situations, you can let go of the hatred brewing inside you by sending the person positive energy and prayer. Whenever I have done this, I have found my anger and my hurt dissipating. I feel peaceful. Simply, it is not relevant who started it or who is to blame. What is important is to recognize that clinging on to suffering is futile. It helps no one. While it may be ideal for both parties to cleanse themselves, if this not possible for whatever reason, at least one person – you – breaking free from the negativity is indeed a good step forward!

The essence of intelligent living is to be able to rise above hurt, hatred and suffering. And to live free, to live fully – a meaningful and blissful Life!

Lessons from the QSQT man!

Mansoor with Aamir at the Mumbai Launch of 'The Third Curve'

Last evening we attended the launch event of a very interesting book titled ‘The Third Curve’ by Mansoor Khan. Mansoor is someone who has always followed his bliss. Son of the legendary Bollywood filmmaker Nasir Hussain and a drop-out from  IIT-Bombay, MIT and Cornell (he never completed any of the courses he took up at these institutions), Mansoor is famous for all the films he made (he directed the first four and produced the last) becoming superhits – Qayamat Se Qayamat Tak (which made his cousin Aamir Khan a national sensation and Juhi Chawla a star), Jo Jeeta Wohi Sikandar, Akele Hum Akele Tum, Josh and Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na (which launched the career of his now famous nephew Imran Khan).  In 2003, Mansoor gave up Mumbai and Bollywood (returning briefly in 2008 only to produce Imran Khan’s launch film) and moved to Coonoor to take up organic farming and  set up a homestay (http://www.acres-wild.com/) – something he was always passionate about.

I learned two very important lessons from Mansoor. And I am happy to share them here with you:

1.         No matter what happens, stay calm: As we arrived at the Landmark book store, everything seemed set for Mansoor’s book to be launched. But, as we were soon to discover, that was not really the case. The audience had not yet arrived. And when they did, we were told the screen, on which Mansoor intended projecting a presentation, had not arrived. Soon, the folks at Landmark brought a vinyl banner which was turned around and hung on the backdrop to provide a make-shift white background on which Mansoor could project his presentation. Then a power cable had to be drawn to start up his laptop and projector. When everything seemed set, someone suggested the lights be turned off around the front of the house, over the ‘screen’. And someone, by accident, turned off the line that powered the laptop and projector. Phew! All of this led to the official start being delayed by a good 40m. But Mansoor was unruffled. He was clear what he wanted. And he went about getting it done his way. This was a book launch mind you. There was an invited audience, several of them potential readers of his book, and ticking off even a few of them could have left a lousy taste at the launch. But Mansoor’s down-to-earth demeanor (absolutely no airs despite being so unconventionally, professionally and financially, successful) and his cool-as-a-cucumber attitude won him many admirers in the audience! And once he started sharing the concept behind his book, he was on a song. Hearing him speak was like watching Sachin Tendulkar bat! It flowed from the heart!!!
2.         Be the change that you wish to see: Mansoor’s book, ‘The Third Curve’ is really about how mindlessly chasing a desire to exponentially grow money, over the last 150-odd years, has led to a phenomenal erosion of energy reserves in the world (he says 250 million years of sunlight reserves have been squandered since the advent of the Industrial Era, in just 150+ years!). He warns that the world, and all of civilization, is on the brink. He calls for urgent, immediate action. He wants us all to wake up and embrace the Green Life. Energetics, he says, and not just economics, can save the world! While his book, and his Talk, are refreshing and make you think, what’s inspiring is that Mansoor is not just prescribing a solution. At his farm, Acres Wild, he lives the solution. Acres Wild is an eco-friendly farm, that encourages a holistic and self-sustaining lifestyle – they grow their own vegetables organically and do not use chemicals, strive to increase bio-diversity and keep tillage to the minimum. If there’s one reason people may be encouraged to heed his clarion call, it will be because Mansoor leads by example!

All of us are quick to complain. Few people take action – Mansoor being one of them! His story is remarkable because he is following his bliss and he is being the change he wishes to see around him. Perhaps, that also explains how he can be so calm and unruffled – when things don’t exactly go to a plan! An inspiration for those who pause to reflect and are willing to learn?

Get Better from Life, not Bitter

You can either be bitter from Life or better from it.

A key reason why many of us turn bitter, over time, with Life is because we are not able to treat events as events. We hold on to them, analyze them, and regret them, refusing to let go. Let’s say someone says something harsh to you. In reality, it’s just an event. But if you keep mulling over it, wondering why it was said, and what will others – who heard this person say this of you – think of you, then you are surely going to end up feeling miserable. Chewing endlessly on by gone events, holding on to past grudges and painful memories, is a sure way to invite suffering into your Life.

I am reminded of the Zen story of the two monks who were walking in the Himalayas.  

A senior monk and a junior monk were traveling together. At one point, they came to a river with a strong current. As the monks were preparing to cross the river, they saw a very young and beautiful woman also attempting to cross the river. The young woman asked them if they could help her cross to the other side.

The two monks glanced at one another because they had taken vows at their monastery not to touch a woman.

Then, without a word, the younger monk picked up the woman, carried her across the river, placed her gently on the other side, and carried on with his journey.

The older monk couldn’t believe what had just happened. He simply stood there staring as his young colleague briskly walked up the hill. After re-joining his companion, he was still speechless, but seething with rage nevertheless.

An hour passed without a word between them. Two more hours passed. Then three. Finally the older monk could contain himself any longer, and blurted out: “As monks, we are not permitted to touch a woman, how could you then carry that woman on your shoulders?”

The younger monk looked at him, startled at first, and then, comprehending the full import of his senior’s question, replied, “Brother, I set her down on the other side of the river, why are you still carrying her?”

Unfortunately, many of us, even if we have grown older, like the senior monk, have not grown up. We still carry baggage from our past with us – principally, hurt, regret, resentment and grief. And so we stumble along through Life. Our painful memories enslave us to the past and ensure we stay bitter. And this way we remain unhappy – unable to enjoy the present moment, the now! This is true of a lot of people, a lot of the times.

Siddharth Varadarajan: No Bitterness

Therefore, it was indeed refreshing this morning, to read Siddharth Varadarajan’s (the former editor of The Hindu) views on his unceremonious exit from the paper, following some Boardroom intrigue at Kasturi & Sons Ltd. (KSL – the company that owns The Hindu) earlier this week. An online portal asked him if he was feeling betrayed. And Varadarajan replied: “There is no question of feeling betrayed. I came to this job with my eyes wide open. I had a great run as Editor of The Hindu, which is India’s finest paper, and am grateful to the KSL Board for appointing me to the post.”

Clearly, whatever be the event that you end up having to face in Life, you have two options. You can be bitter or better from it. If you choose to be bitter, you will miss the opportunity to live fully and to experience the magic and beauty of Life in each moment. If you choose to be better from the experience, you will find yourself soaked in abundance and inner joy!

Extraordinary pain is an opportunity to be reborn

Living through a painful period can seem, logically, impossible – but in reality it is not!

A 54-year-old man committed suicide in Chennai just two days ago, by jumping off the top of his five-storey building in George Town, because he found his chronic back pain of 15 years unbearable – especially after a pain killer injection that he used to take daily was banned by the government and was no longer available in pharmacies. The reason people give up on Life, or suffer a lot through Life, is because they want the pain to not be there. They want it to go away. Or they want to escape it.

Pain is not something that you can control. Just like your being alive is a fact, so is the presence of pain in your Life. The art of living is to be able to live in peace despite the pain in your Life. Why most people struggle with pain is because they work towards eradicating the pain or the source of that pain. Instead if they worked on witnessing the pain, as if they were a third party, they will realize that pain is harmless. And that surely pain does not have an agenda to cause anyone suffering. They will then be able to separate themselves, their true selves, from whatever is causing them pain.

A friend’s actions recently caught up with him – it appeared to all of us who knew him that he had let down his entire family – his grown up, young adult, children and his wife of 25 years. His actions, always questionable, led his wife to be arrested by the police. She was sent to jail for a few days until she was granted bail by a court. When she was released from jail, the lady, much to everyone’s surprise, came out calm and strong. Everyone had expected her to be suffering, to be worn out and beaten, because of her incarceration. Indeed there were physical scars of her trauma. She had not been eating in jail. And so had lost 8 kilos in 4 days. But her spirit was intact. She said, upon seeing me, “Your friend has let me down very badly. At first I was very angry. The pain was unbearable – both of being let down and of being in jail for no fault of mine. I wanted to end my Life. But then I told myself, that would be the easiest thing to do. Then I stepped back and looked at my Life. I can’t live with my husband anymore. I accepted that my Life has changed forever. I have now decided to divorce my husband and focus on my children and be available for them as they settle down and raise their families.” The lady’s stoicism comes from her sense of clarity. Which again comes from her ability to have “witnessed” her pain, her acceptance and her choice not to suffer.

Extraordinary pain – like betrayal, death, financial losses, a relationship breakdown, a health crisis – are all opportunities to be reborn. Through pain, you learn not to suffer. When you don’t suffer, despite the pain, Life becomes meaningful, beautiful, in fact, a celebration! If you want happiness and inner peace, don’t reject anything that comes your way. Least of all pain. Through rejection you suffer. Through acceptance, your inner peace, your bliss, flowers.

Hopelessness leads to awareness

To be hopeless is a great boon, an opportunity – use it!

We often come across situations where there is no hope. In such times, what stares at us is a wall or complete darkness. Fear and insecurity in such situations is a natural response. But the moment fear takes over, any chance of you coming out of that situation are eroded. So, even as fear lurks around, choose your hopelessness to remain focussed in the now, in the present. No it is not difficult. If you understand hope you will be able to understand what hopelessness truly means. Hope is an aspiration of a future which is yet to arrive. So, when you are hopeless, it really means you see no future. Which therefore only means that, since the past is over and the future doesn’t exist, what you are left with is the present moment.

As Osho, the Master, has said so beautifully: “When there is no hope, you are. When there is no hope, the present is.”

Which is why hopelessness is an opportunity to live in the present moment. For when you have nothing to look forward to, then you can only live from moment to moment. Having lived this way for months and years now, let me tell you, it is a beautiful, awakening, humbling experience. Because you witness how magically Life goes on, without you controlling any of the influences – particularly, money, food, clothing and shelter – that you have been conditioned to believe are key to living.  

Hopelessness is still a desire. When you are pining that there be hope. And when with your human mind and vision you can’t see one, you despair, but even then, from deep within your heart, you continue to hope. Which means you expect a change in the situation. But true awareness is when you have transcended expectation, desire, hope, hopelessness and are simply with Life, living in the now. That’s when you have given up expecting anything from Life. And you simply are.

Faith means Fearlessness

You can have faith or you can be in fear. You can’t have both!

Human beings are the only aspect of creation that can think – and hence we know that death awaits us sometime in the future. So starting with the fear of death, we fear every outcome that we dislike. Again humans are the only species that is religious – and so there are matters of faith for all of us that are sacrosanct. So, the question really is, why is it that we go on fearing, something or the other, while claiming that we have faith?

Now there is nothing wrong with fear or with being in fear. It is a natural emotion. You must allow it to rise within you. But you must also understand it completely. What are you afraid of? Examine your fear. And replace your fear with faith. Now, by popular definition and conditioning, faith is in an external, all-powerful God – the one who has created you and the Universe. So, if there is an acceptance in you that this God is more powerful than you, and which is why you have faith in this God, then why fear anything that may happen to you? Even more simply, since your creation, this lifetime, is a gift to you – you didn’t ask to born, right? – you must believe that you will be looked after and provided for by Life, or if you like, by your God. When you understand this, you will understand that the fear, anxiety, worry, apprehension in you is futile.

True fearlessness is not just your ability to face up to anyone or any situation in Life. True fearlessness is not the ability to take risks or to claim that you are not afraid of death. True fearlessness is the absence of fear – caused by a complete understanding of Life, of creation. It means knowing that there is no point in being attached or fear losing anything impermanent, perishable – and that includes Life itself. True fearlessness is faith. It makes living interesting and blissful!

You can’t be happy while choosing to remain unhappy about Life

Happiness does not need conditions to be met for it to flower within you. It just requires you to stop complaining about Life and stop being unhappy.

ANR - Picture Courtesy G.Ramakrishna, The Hindu

A couple of days back, The Hindu reports from Hyderabad, famous Telugu actor and thespian, Akkineni Nageswara Rao (ANR), called for a media conference on the sets of his forthcoming Telugu film, Manam. The entire Akkineni family comprising stars of three generations, including Nagarjuna, Amala, Nagachaitanya, Supriya, Sushant and his mother Susheela, were present alongside ANR. But only ANR spoke. He informed the shell-shocked media gathering that he was diagnosed with cancer. He said that his decision to go public with his condition was taken because somehow extended family and friends had got wind of his ailment! Soon people started calling him, making enquiries out of concern naturally. “But I don’t want to be reminded of it. I have lived my Life to the fullest and will continue to do so…the best way of looking at Life is with a smile….In cinema of yester-years, we have dramatized cancer and associated it with death. However, that is not the case now. Many people are wishing I will live to be a 100 years. With a lot of cheer, I hope to do so,” said ANR, now 90. ANR, who has already had an unparalleled 71-year career in films, having acted in 280 of them, said he hopes to continue to choose good roles that befit him. His family said that they had been advised by him to stop brooding, or wear sullen looks, over his illness and to create an atmosphere of happiness and cheer around him!

ANR’s spirit is both unputdownable and inspiring. This is the way to be happy. Which is to just be in acceptance of whatever is happening to you and to remove all those conditions that make you unhappy.

But many people don’t get this simple way. They only want to be happy. But refuse to simply be. It is like someone who goes to a doctor and wants to become well and healthy. But what if the person takes the prescription and refuses to take the medicines? How can his or her health improve? It is so simple. If you have been living in a way which has made you feel miserable, to feel different, to be happy, you have to stop living the old way. You can’t be happy while choosing to remain unhappy about Life.

ANR’s situation is a cancer. To be sure, each of us has a different situation or circumstance to deal with. But all of us can be happy despite our circumstances if we choose to accept the Life that is happening to us now and stop being unhappy about it!

You will heal if you are free from guilt

Feeling guilty after saying or doing something that you ought not to have said or done is completely in vain. Grieving over what you have done is the most futile of all emotions. It is debilitating and shackles you completely.

What are the few things that we often feel guilty about? We get angry with someone and regret it later. We cheat and feel miserable when we reflect on our action __ especially when we are not caught cheating. We overindulge in loose conversation or alcohol or food in a social setting and say and do more than we must have. These occurrences are common place and all of us are prone to feel guilty after we conduct ourselves in the manner in which we did. The mind will insist that you have lost your self-esteem and that you must redeem yourself. This is when brooding begins and you start descending down a negative, depressive spiral. Cut out the self-pity and focus on what caused you to get angry, cheat or overindulge in the first place. You will find that invariably it’s your mind. When your mind controls you, you are but its slave. You are angry because your mind is telling you not to accept the situation. You are cheating because your mind is seducing you with its unputdownable logic that no one is watching, so you may as well cheat. You overindulge because you are succumbing to the temptation of the moment.

To free yourself from the mind controlling you, you don’t need to work on controlling the mind. Meet the mind, meet its desires, take them head-on and tell them you are infallible, indestructible, and that you refuse to succumb. It is possible because that is what your true Self is __ infallible, indestructible, invincible, infinite. What the mind has done, over years of education and conditioning is that it has told you that it is the Master and you are its slave. On the other hand, the Master is you. This does not mean you must control. Because whatever you control today will erupt tomorrow out of sheer suppression. You go on controlling your anger, one day, it will explode. You go on controlling your urges to indulge__be it sex or alcohol or food, whatever, one day, you will go on a binge. So, don’t control. Just meet the situation, challenge it and tell it who you are.

Believe me, initially, the mind will resist. It will fight tooth and nail. But slowly it will get convinced. And will obey you.  Because you are true. Because the real Self in you is acting. And all of this can happen if you can give up, let go of, feeling guilty. It’s over. It happened. You were a slave of your mind. Now, come discover your true self and focus on just being. You will heal and turn a healer for the world!

The whole idea of truth is that there are no versions!

Yesterday, I was with a friend who has got caught in a web of circumstances, all of them caused by his congenital tendency to lie. In fact his children called him a compulsive liar and did not want to do have anything to do with him, anymore. As my friend shared the list of choices he had made and the actions he had pursued, it appeared that he had unwittingly spun a web of deceit, some of them circumstantial – getting out of which now called for him to face the harsh realities of Life and which could take a long, very long time.

Why is it so difficult to face reality and speak the truth – in any context or situation? People chose to lie because it is convenient. Often times, people are even lying to themselves when they are refusing to see the reality and are in denial. Or they are dressing up the reality to show a different face to the world or themselves. But this is so hypocritical. The idea of truth is that there are no versions. Whatever is, is the truth. Analyzing a situation and arguing in your favour does not change the truth in any way. It only makes you believe that the situation you are imagining and conjuring up is the truth. This is the way that people fool themselves and get into a trap of covering up, lying and running away from the reality, until, as in my friend’s case, they cannot run or hide any more.

This is true of all situations in Life – of habits, in relationships, in business and even in the way we think and feel about ourselves and our emotional states. A simple principle to follow is to ask yourself if you are running away from something in Life and if whatever you know, see and feel is the truth. If it indeed is, irrespective of situation or consequence, simply stay with that truth. Life may appear to be complex with the truth but it surely will be peaceful. And when you are at peace with yourself, you can face anyone or any situation in Life!

To feel Life, stop feeling like a victim

The more you dwell on what you don’t have, the more you will wallow in the cesspool of scarcity. And feel like a victim.

Break free. The easiest way to think is that there is a conspiracy against us. Because it comes easy, this theory of victimization, we prefer being a victim, chained to imaginary circumstances, beliefs, even superstitions and, over a period of time, enjoy the suffering.

Our choosing to remain victims is subconscious. While we bemoan our fate and lament our circumstance, in a way, we are also loving it. To arrest this self-proclaimed victimization theory, we must step up to the window, throw it open, and feel Life. Just as the fresh gust of wind from an open window will caress us, so will Life. Life is waiting for you to come seeking. But victims are not welcome. Life wants heroes__battle weary alright, but not grumpy, cribbing sort of folks.

Stopping to be a victim means stopping to blame someone else and taking charge of YOUR Life with an INNER and ABSOLUTE sense of responsibility.

Share someone’s Life with compassion – Make Your Day Count!

Yesterday while working with a team of managers, one of them spoke up. He said: “I wish we all knew what makes each of us cry. Then perhaps we will be able to understand and appreciate each other better so that we will never push the other person to the point that he or she will break down and cry!”

Forget knowing what makes people cry, in today’s fast-paced world, while we ‘know’ many people, we understand very few of them – and that includes people that we work with on a daily basis or that we share our lives with! The reality is that the distances between us is, often times, not just physical and is, in fact, even inversely proportion to proximity! The one reason we don’t understand, appreciate or celebrate people around us is we have not actually made the time to sit down with them and share their lives with compassion.

We all understand that there’s great value in touching lives. But we interpret this as only bringing pleasure or comfort into the lives of people we love or doing charity that impacts the lives of people we pause to look at or care for. This need not be the only way of doing things. You can make each day count when you can view each of the people in your circle of influence with compassion. And know that people carry as much of their homes to work as they do carry work home. That behind each beating heart is a personal story. That story very often is of facing up to pain, grief and fear with courage and hope. That each individual is working harder to make things better despite what she or he is going through or faced with.

When you look at people with compassion you will find something beautiful is happening within you. You experience inner peace. You also start radiating a warm energy that soaks everyone that comes into contact with you. After all, in the end, your Life will have been meaningful, not for the number of people whom you have known and who have known you, but by the number of lives you touched and the difference you made to those lives!

The crippling BOGO Offer – Self-pity and Suffering!

Self-pity can cripple and suffocate you unless you are mindful and aware.

We all love to pity ourselves for our conditions and plights. First, let’s accept it, pitying yourself is so, so comfortable. Because to be depressed, to moan and to dwell on what is not is so convenient. Say someone is rude to you, hurts you, then all you need to do is to have that sullen look on your face. And the whole world will come and pamper you, will cajole you, give you all the attention that your ego demands. And you, like the famous McDonald’s line – ‘I’m lovin’ it!’ – will love all that attention. Suppose you get over your hurt, your pain, people will soon stop referring to it. Your ego will then lose its sense of importance. So, your ego will force you to cling on to this debilitating emotion of pitying youself, because it wants to control you. Once in your ego’s stranglehold your suffering is complete.

But while you may wallow in self-pity, know that no change can happen unless you break free from that state. You cannot be pitying yourself, resultantly, take no action about what’s causing you pain, and expect to be free from your misery. Self-pity and suffering come as a BOGO offer – Buy One, Get One Free!!!

Look at yourself. Look around you. You will find so many people living miserable lives, only because they simply love pitying themselves. Poor things, they don’t understand their pain. Pain really is a cosmic wake-up call. It is a call for you to be alert. What happens, for instance, when you jam your fingers in your car door (ouch!!!) – don’t you instantaneously become alert? Until that moment you were not bothered. Driving, speaking on the phone, losing yourself to music, you were not even aware you were in your car. But the moment the fingers got jammed, you were shaken out of your stupor. You became alert. Now you can use that wake-up call and snap out of your reverie or you can choose to stay aloof, writhing in pain and then lament about how everything’s wrong in your Life. If you lament, you will be stuck in the door of your car – metaphorically. And the physical pain will translate into considerable anguish and suffering. But if you heed the wake-up call, become alert, vigilant and choose to move on, your pain may be there, but you will break-free, unstuck. This applies to every situation in Life.

The truth about Life is this: Self-pity is comforting but crippling. Awareness is liberating. When you keep on pitying yourself, you keep prolonging your suffering. When you stop pitying yourself, you not only end your misery, you make progress!

Patience is letting Life happen

We were visiting our friends for ‘Golu’ (the South Indian Dusshera/Navarathri festival) last evening. Our host, Janaki, complimented her husband Sabesh’s remarkable patience in creating a fabulous theme and design for their ‘Golu’ year-after-year. “It is believed in our family that when God distributed patience, Sabesh was the only one around,” she gushed!

Why is it that some people are extremely patient while several others are simply impatient? Is patience a virtue we are born with or is it something that you can develop, over time, with practice?

I was impatient with Life too, once upon a time. My first boss, my News Editor K.V.Mahadevan, at the Indian Express, 25 years ago, even wrote about me, well – not so glowingly, in his weekly column back then: ‘AVIS is a man in a hurry!’ Over the years of growing up, I have come to realize that patience is something that comes with a deep understanding of Life.

You are impatient only when you think you are in control. That you are causing the outcomes of all your efforts. That you are at the center of your Universe.

With our busy schedules and our Things To Do lists, we have all become so habituated to getting things done! The truth about Life is it is not ‘a thing’. So, it cannot be done. Life simply happens. You cannot get done with Life. You have to live it. And Life happens at its own pace, in its own time. Patience arrives when you discover that the whole Universe, the cosmos, is at your center, within you! You become patient when all the passion within you converts to compassion, to a deep-felt loving for all creation – when you are soaked in gratitude for the opportunity that this lifetime offers you.

Simply, being patient means just being. Be forever grateful for what has happened in your Life so far and be witnessing the happening, the unfolding of Life in the present. Patience is about letting Life happen, waiting expectantly, with curious eyes, with a deep longing, with love!

But the human mind will try to hoodwink you. It will convince you that this has not happened in your Life, or that, and will drive you nuts. So, patience is really the outcome of your ability to outwit your own mind. I have learned to tell my mind to shut up and accept what is. It’s not easy. Because the mind is like a monkey – it will keep wanting what you refuse to give it, again and again. But, nevertheless, it is simple – you have to keep on telling the same thing until you tire your mind out into submission. Practising daily silence periods, mouna, or mediation greatly helps. Because when you are silent you can hear the voice of your soul that is telling you to let go, to stop clinging on, to stop demanding, and allow Life to happen to you.

You too can sample patience. Here’s a Trial Offer! This Monday morning as you navigate your way to work through rush hour traffic, stop complaining. Just let the traffic happen. Go with the flow. Don’t curse anyone or anything. Don’t honk. Don’t cut lanes. Simply go with the flow. Feel how fresh you are when you arrive at work. If you can feel that energy in you, be sure, patience has arrived in your Life too. That’s all there is to it – patience is letting Life – well, traffic, in this case! – happen and not demanding that it get done!

Face your inner demons to change yourself

When you need to change yourself, you must face yourself – your inner demons and the brutal reality of your Life.

There’s a beautiful parable I remember reading in Daniel Gottlieb’s ‘Letters to Sam’. Once a man came back home late in the night to find that he had been locked out of his house. His neighbour saw him searching for the key under the streetlight and he too joined the search. Soon several other neighbors joined in the search wanting to help their distressed neighbor. After a while, one of them asked the man where he had last seen the key he was searching for. “Near the front door,” replied the man. The neighbor was puzzled. “Then why are you looking for it down here by the streetlight,” he asked. “Because the light is better here,” came the reply! Gottlieb shares the moral of this parable saying that when we are looking for answers in Life, we intuitively go where the light is better. Because it is convenient to search! But sometimes, says Gottlieb, for real transformation to happen, we must go where it is dark!

To be sure, no one likes to face the truth. The truth always is uncomfortable. Even thinking about it leads to a gnawing feeling arising within, doesn’t it?

Almost a decade ago I had a tobacco habit. For years since my early adulthood I had been chewing tobacco. I tried to give it up many times in those years. But every time I attempted, my resolve would break in few weeks because my mind would insist that I needed that habit, that crutch, to help me deal with the stressful Life I kept. So, I would capitulate and allow the habit to take over. But soon I would start feeling guilty – and depressed – with my inability to quit. Then one day, my doctor told me, that with the way my medical reports were reading, I would not live to be 40! I was 36 then. He held a mirror to me. And for the first time I faced my fear of my death. It was a very scary and, at the same time, awakening moment. I must confess that every time I popped tobacco into my mouth, I would always think of cancer and death. But I would brush aside the thought telling myself that since death was inevitable I would face it whenever it came. Besides, I vainly kidded myself that the habit helped me relax – when in reality it actually made me feel guilty and fearful, every single time that I chewed. But that moment in the doctor’s clinic was different. I clearly understood the import of what he was saying. I knew that if I continued this way, I was sure to die in the next few years, maybe as the doctor had estimated, by the time I was 40! I quit chewing that instant. I did not even heed my mind urging me to pop one last sachet of tobacco as I left the clinic and got into my car to drive back home. I simply quit. Period. When I look back now, I feel that it had been possible to quit – and abstain ever since – only because I had faced what I feared most – the reality about where I was headed with my habit and my lifestyle.

Interestingly, all of us know what’s right for us. We know the futility and the ruinous nature of some of the choices we have made and continue to make. It is our inability to face our realities that keeps us running down the path of escapism. The more we run, the more we live haunted lives. The more we run away from the truth the more we struggle to change, to transform.

It is only when you stop, turn back, and face your inner demons that you will truly transform. When you allow the truth about yourself to hit you, you will wake up to be the change that you wish to see in you – and in your world.